The start
Regulus had known this would be a bad idea the moment Remus suggested it. He knew the reason behind it being that Remus wanted to try and mend his torn relationship with his brother. A noble effort, truly but in the end it would be pointless. He hadn’t forgiven his brother yet and a Potter family Christmas was not going to change that.
Potter . That was another complication. Regulus had met the youngest Potter in passing while at university and decided to hate him immediately. He was arrogant and loud, and worst of all he had taken his brother away. The idea of spending Christmas with two people he hated made him want to pull his hair out, but the alternative option would be spending it with Mother and Father. Their relationship had always been strained but now that Regulus had made it clear he would be ending the family line, well that had not been a fun dinner to say the least. And Dorcas would be there. If all else failed he could spend the whole week with Remus and Dorcas.
The plan was to arrive late on the 19th and spend the next week doing ‘family’ Christmas activities. Remus had tried to explain what that would entail but he stopped listening almost immediately once he realized he had little to no experience in the matter. There had been a time just a few months prior where Regulus would have laughed in Remus’ face at the idea of spending the hols together. But then there was The Dinner with his family and that changed things. Regulus had learned a long time ago that his life would forever be made of Befores and Afters.
Meeting Remus and becoming his friend had not been part of his meticulous five year plan. He was intending to save up while working at a small second hand book shop that Pandora had recommended. She had been adamant that he would fit right in, and even though she had not been exactly correct, he didn’t hate it. Now imagine his surprise when upon arriving for his first day the man training him was none other than Remus Lupin, close friend of the failure heir. He had almost walked out then and there but he really did need the money.
They did not speak for the first week, mostly because Regulus was worried Sirius was going to jump from behind a bookshelf. When that didn’t happen he began to relax slightly. It started out small, with a “Can you pass that book” here and there and then a coffee breaks. The long stretches of silence that filled their time together was never painful the way it often was with others. Eventually Remus, a man who was firmly against beating around the bush, said outright that he would not tell Sirius that he was there as long as he made it to work on time and didn’t smoke in front of the customers. Neither were a problem because a) he was never late and b) he didn’t smoke.
Now they were sitting in Remus’ car and Regulus was trying to not have a panic attack. He had not anticipated the fear and anxiety that was coursing through veins. This would be the first time he’d be around his brother in over three years, and Sirius no longer knew who he was. He was no longer the little kid who hid under his brother’s blankets when he had a nightmare. How was he expected to look at the people in that house and not hate them all? The house looked warm with smoke curling out from the chimney set in the back left side of the building and he was sure he was going to throw up. The rose beds just a few feet away from the car seemed like the perfect place to do it.
“They are all staring at us to see if you will make a run for it.” Remus speaks softly, maybe to try and prevent him from bolding and running the three hours to Barty and Evan’s flat. Regulus turned his head to the side and saw the curtains moving. Maybe they were looking at him. It would make sense, he should not have come here. He had to pull himself together because he refused to let anyone see how weak he could be. Smoothing out his face, he turned back to Remus.
“Best to not keep them waiting.” False confidence and cruelty were a shield that had kept him safe from Mothers sharp words and Fathers heavy hands when he no longer had Sirius as a buffer. It would prevent his brother from seeing the still fresh wound that had not yet scabbed over in his chest. His heart had gone with his brother and he would have to learn to survive without it. Regulus had alway been the lungs and Sirius the heart of the entity that was their brotherhood. Potter came along and took a long knife to its chest and ripped Sirius away from Regulus. That was one of many reasons he hated Potter.
“You can leave at any time.” Remus was not one for empty promises, but Regulus was not so weak that he could not handle this. Instead of replying he simply got out of the car. He does not need Remus’ sympathy or kindness. Those have no place with him or Sirius, they don’t and never will have the capacity to accept kindness nor did he feel he deserved it. Regulus knew there was only so much kindness in the world and he would not take it at the detriment of others.
He didn’t look over his shoulder to check if Remus followed him. When Sirius arrives, Remus will no longer be his to lean on. Potter took his brother, but Remus was never his to lose so holding on would be pointless and painful.
What must it be like to be Sirius? To have the chance to leave and become better because of it. Regulus was not better because he survived. He was so much worse and cruel and something deep in him, something important was broken. Remus may have invited him in the hopes of fixing their relationship, but Regulus was there for a different reason. Sirius would see him for who he was and not the boy he remembered and then he would be able to move forward. Regulus had always been the thing that held him back from being happy. He hated Sirius so much but maybe he hated himself a little more. Sirius would be happy without him. He would always be a sibling, a brother because that was not something you recovered from. He would just have to be Potter’s brother instead of Regulus’.
In most movies when bad things are going to happen, the sky is grey and weeps for the poor sod who had to be there. Regulus’ life was not a movie and so the sky was clear and made sure that he could not hide under a coat or umbrella. It made sure that he was unprotected from the storm that was his brother. He would drown, because Sirius had promised to teach him to swim and left before he ever could. Regulus would drown and it would be at his brother's hands.
The door in front of him was rounded at the top and an ugly, bright red. Regulus was partial to green and so it was easy to hate the house. Hate what it stood for and hate it because he was never going to be welcome there.
Remus came around from behind and opened the door.
“Remus!” a small boy shot out the door like a bat out of hell and latched himself to Remus. He couldn’t have been more than ten and it made Regulus uncomfortable to have him there. Children were loud and cried and made a mess of things. Mother and Father may have been cruel but they did not put up with loud and messes. “You took ages!”
Past the gut churning scene was an entry hall filled to bursting with people. Potter was the first Regulus noticed. Hair a mess and smile wide. He never had to worry about his place in Sirius’s life and Regulus hated him for it. Sirius was not next to him so he must not have been there yet. Because if he was there he would have been glued to Potter’s hip. Or maybe he was there and decided it was best for both of them to stay away. Best not to think about it.
Scowling, Regulus took stock of everyone else. Mr. and Ms. Potter stood behind their son. Regulus did not trust them. Two people did not live together as long as they had and did not grow to hate each other. Something about their soft eyes and softer laughs put Regulus on edge. It was worse when Kind people became Cruel than when Cruel people simply became what they already were.
A woman he didn’t recognize was also there. She was older than Potter but younger than his parents. She smiled at the small boy and so Regulus assumed that she was his mother. They had the same hair. Next to her was Lily. Regulus did know of her vaguely. She had been friends with Sirius in school and that meant that Regulus did not like her. She was also a ginger and everyone knew that gingers were heartless beasts sent from hell. Though at uni she had been a constant in the library. Regulus had not minded sitting near her because she would glare at anyone who spoke too loudly. That hardly balanced out the ginger thing though.
Dorcas and Marlene were slightly away from the rest of the group, leaning against each other and the wall to the right of the door. Regulus took some comfort in seeing them. When Remus was distracted with his brother, he could spend his time with Dorcas. They had never spoken much one on one but when Pandora got everyone together, she would be there. They had spoken which was more than he could say about Sirius. Who wasn’t even there. If he had been a different person it might have hurt him. But there was nothing that his brother could do to cut him deeper than he had three years ago. Him not being there for Regulus was nothing new.
“You look like shit.” Dorcas had a dry sarcastic way of speaking. She was the kind of person who would be mean when you first met her and then even more when you got to know her. The only person Regulus had ever seen her be kind to was Marlene. He didn’t know much about Marlene other than that she had been good for Dorcus. That was enough for him to at least respect her.
“That shirt makes you look like a middle aged white lady who lives in a gated community.” Regulus really did hate that shirt. It was Christmas themed, as it seemed most of their outfits were. Remus had moved to go stand next to the woman he didn’t know while holding the boy on his hip. That meant that Regulus had to move into the house or continue to stand just outside the door and let cold air in. Mother would have already yelled at him to either come in or close the door.
He came inside.
“At least I am festive, you look like you’d rather be at a funeral.” Dorcas was looking at him and not smiling and so he did the same. No need to look at the people he could feel staring at him. They were unimportant. The lesser of two evils when compared with his parents.
“I would. Spending a week with you sounds worse than spending the rest of my life with Bella.” That was a bold face lie. Bellatrix was a crazy bitch. She had come over two years ago for Christmas and gone through his things. He got her back but it was still annoying.
“Spend the rest of your life? You finally decide to follow in your family's footsteps and get with your cousin?” The words were a dig at him and his shortcomings. His inability to marry who Mother wanted for him. Dorcas had heard plenty about that when he was last at Evan’s. It was enough to get him to stop scowling. It was a rather funny comment, he could admit that and if they were alone he might have laughed. They were not alone.
“You would know best about following family tradition, what with all the drinking you do.”
Dorcas does laugh at that. It was well known, at least well known to him, that she had spent a few months at an inpatient rehab. That was one of the only things they had ever spoken about. She had asked him if she was weak for wanting to go and he had said yes, but that being an alcoholic was more embarrassing. Pulling away from Marlene, Dorcas wrapped her arms around Regulus. He didn’t do hugging and she knew that. She seemed to not care.
Someone behind them coughed. Right. No matter how much he wanted to pretend, they were not alone. He was surrounded on all sides by backstabbing brother stealing bastards, he was mostly referring to Potter. If he could just spend his time with Dorcas he would survive, but sadly he would have to be under the same roof as people who clearly did not want him there. That was nothing new, he knew that he was an afterthought if he was thought of at all. It would hurt if it wasn’t better that way.
“Good to see you two know each other.” Lily sounded like she was both disapproving and attempting to salvage the holiday before it had even begun.
“Are you kidding me? Reg and I have been causing trouble since he was a wee little Freshman and I was an all knowing Sophomore.” Dorcas had laughter in her eyes and mockery on her lips. There had been one night where Regulus was drunk and cried to his friends about missing his brother. Thankfully Barty had been too inebriated to remember and Evan was decent enough to not mention it. Dorcus on the other hand made a point to bring it up any time Regulus tried to be all high and mighty about anything.
There was the option for Regulus to lash out and bitch at her, but that would just end with him having no one to talk to during this trip. So instead he stayed silent and looked at her with mock hurt in his eyes. It never worked on her, but it did with Sirius when they were little. Regulus would complain about being stuck with Barty once Sirius went to school and it was enough to get Sirius to send more texts while he was away. There was no reason for his brother to fall for his fake sadness now seeing as he was not there yet.
“It’s good to see you again, Reg.” Potter’s voice did not sound stained and when Regulus looked at him, he was smiling. Regulus despised having his name shortened. Mother and Father had a strong distaste for it when he was younger and Sirius called him “Reggie”. Now anytime someone called him anything less than Regulus, he would be taken back to that house.
It had been too long since Potter had spoken and Regulus was making it more awkward than it needed to be. Maybe if he were a better person he would try and dispel the tension but he did not wish to set the expectation high. And so Regulus pulled the shudders up and hid behind his own shadow because he no longer had Sirius’ to hide behind. Staying silent, he moved over the stand near Dorcas because he knew it would be best to stay away from the small boy.
Nearly three hours in and Sirius was still missing. Regulus didn’t mind all that much, he instead spent his time in the small attic room he would have to himself. There were sounds from downstairs of laughter and the occasional shout. Someday Regulus would stop tensing up at raised voices but that day was not today. He had brought a few books along with him and had decided to start the hols off by rereading The Midnight Library. It was one of the first books he read when he left for Uni and it still held a close place in whatever was left of his heart.
At some point, he knew that Remus would come up to collect him for dinner and he would have to face the world he had chosen. He couldn’t help but think about what he would be doing if he had been with Mother and Father instead of Remus. Likely he would still be hiding, but less out of apprehension and more out of fear.
Before he could go too far down the spiral of thinking about his own cowardice, Remus was knocking on his door. Except it wasn’t Remus there to collect him. Someone far worse was there to collect him, but Regulus had not known this before he told them to come in.
“We are about to have dinner, so whenever you are done reading feel free to head on down.” Potter looked different in the dark of Regulus’ room. There was no sun smiling down on him, instead shadows pooled around his nose and eyes. They made him look his age instead of the man child Regulus always thought of him as.
“Well if I come down when I finish reading, I will stay up here until I have to go back to Uni.” Regulus ensured his voice was monotone and did not reflect an emotion, neither good nor bad. Instead of seeming offended, Potter simply smiled and leaned against the doorframe. He was a head taller than Regulus but had an ugly habit of slouching.
“Oh but how we would miss you. This house has far too much joy and without you we would forget what the real world is like.” There was no malice to his words. Regulus wished there had been, he wanted one sign that the hatred was reciprocated. That would make things easier for Regulus.
Barty and Potter were oddly similar in first impressions. Barty was loud and overly touchy, but that was mostly directed at Evan. It had taken months for Regulus to speak to him as if he wasn't a bumbling, snotty fourth year. Potter had not proven that he could be anything other than what Regulus thought he was.
“Are you going to stand there waiting for me, because I would rather you piss off.” And there it was. A small frown pulled at Potter’s mouth. Regulus had hoped that the frown would turn his face ugly and cruel the way it did his Mothers. It did not. He looked like a kicked dog who did not know what he had done wrong. There was no way he did not know what he had done, he must have been pretending in order to gain sympathy. Again it did not. Regulus felt nothing but contempt and some deep feeling that slept in his chest from the moment Regulus had laid eyes on Potter. A feeling of hatred that pushed him to obsession.
Potter turned and headed back down the stairs, shoulders slouched again. As if for a moment the weight of the world had lifted from him, and Regulus’ words had reminded him of it. His shoulders seemed broad enough to hold the world as long as he had the chance to rest every now and then. Regulus refused to be that safe haven for him.