Dinner
Dinner was a grim affair, for Regulus at least. Those around him laughed and threw food when Ms. Potter was not looking. It was mainly Potter at Sirius. He had finally decided to show his face. Sirius had been there when Regulus came downstairs a few minutes after Potter. There was no reason to have people think they had come down together.
Sirius had not looked at him. For the first time in Regulus’ life, Sirius shied away from confrontation. There must have been a deep seeded hatred that lived within his brother the way it did with Regulus. It was a hard thing to come to terms with, being an object of distaste for someone who had once been your guiding star but he had overcome worse discomforts.
Now they sat around a table, Remus on his left and Dorcas on the right. There were jokes that passed over his head because he had no place to laugh at them. He didn’t know why an English essay would be funny to Potter, but when Sirius mentioned it there was a loud crack of laughter. Sirius laughed the same as when he was young, unabashed and sure in himself. It made Regulus feel smaller than he already did. Their childhood was filled with harsh words and years of gaps of things that must have been far worse than what they remembered, but what Regulus did remember was his brother. Every second of their time together had been a chance for him to feel wanted without having to try. Until he did have to try. Until he had the choice of leaving and he chose to stay.
There was no point in regretting his choices, Regulus had no intention of going back and changing them. He was himself because of the life he lived and there was reason to crave a thing he could never be.
“So Regulus, what are you studying?” Ms. Potter’s voice was soft and still managed to cut through the low murmur of talk. His mother never had to yell, but silence fell out of fear and not love the way it did here. “I hear you go to the same University as Dorcas.”
The idea that this woman knew anything about him was off putting. Regulus had never spoken to her directly and had planned to keep it that way. If it would not be considered disrespectful he would have stayed quiet. That did not seem like an option at the moment, he was a guest who stood out like a sore thumb but he was still a guest.
“Double major in Astronomy and Literature.” Barty had laughed in his face when he found out Regulus planned to double major. It was hard to articulate his need to pay tribute to the part of him that loved the stars and died when Sirius left while still honoring the dream he had as a child before he learned that he should hide what brought him joy.
“Oh wow! That sounds like a lot of work, but I’m sure it’ll pay off.” Ms. Potter smiled as she spoke and there was no hint of disregard in her voice as if she truly meant what she said. “James wanted to do something with Astronomy but it had too much maths for his taste.”
“Mum!” Potter cried out looking as if he had been sold out. That made sense considering an ineptitude in something as important as maths was a weakness that one would not want shared. Regulus tried to push down the pride he felt knowing he was better than the person who stole his brother, even if it only had to do with maths, even if he was lesser in every other aspect. “You can’t keep telling people that I’m bad at maths, everyone already thinks I’m dumb.”
“Aw darling, no one thinks you’re dumb.” Ms. Potter reached across the table to pat Potter’s hand in a gentle manner. Regulus had never experienced that kind of support, his mother had not believed in gentle parenting because it raised weak minded children. There was no point in wishing for a different upbringing seeing as he was already weak, god only knew what he would have been like if he had not had the stick structure his mother enforced.
“Who’s going to tell her?” Dorcas asked with a wicked grin. She was tied to this group through her girlfriend's relationship with them. It had been a shock to Regulus when she first started dating Marlene, mostly because it brought people Sirius knew into Regulus’ universe. Marlene was nice enough but also quick witted enough to keep up with Dorcas.
“Oh don’t be cruel.” Mary said as she slapped Dorcas’ arm. Everyone in this house was one cohesive family. Either people were dating or acted like siblings. There was no place for Regulus to fit without it being obvious that he should not have come. It was a comfort to have his aloneness, every person lived and died alone so why try and change the middle part. “We all know the slow one is Sirius.”
That comment starts the laughing back up again. If he were someone else, somewhere else Regulus might have laughed as well. The thing about Sirius was that he was bloody brilliant without having to try or apply himself. It truly infuriated Regulus.
The comment on his intelligence got him to look up from his plate. It wasn't that he had been quiet, simply that he never seemed to want to look at Regulus. Maybe he was ashamed of who Regulus had become. Because he had turned out to not be their mother despite what his brother would say anytime they fought. No matter how many times he tried to explain his reason for leaving, Regulus knew that it could have been different. If they hadn’t had their fight, if Regulus had been a bit older. Again he caught himself wishing for something that had never existed. He wished for a brother that cared more for him than for a far off dream of freedom.
“Don’t let them get to you, Pads, we all know you’re plenty smart.” Potter had laughter in his eyes and the lines of his face. It caused him to look older than he was. There was a part of him that was proud to know that he would stay young because he lacked the kind of joy that aged a person.
“See! At least one person loves me.” Regulus could not see Sirius’ face because he refused to look up.
“Should Prongs and I switch rooms? I know how you love your alone time with him.” Remus spoke through a mouthful and it annoyed Regulus. He truly was in enemy territory. There was no one here for him to look to in this situation, no face was safe from the love that made the room suffocating.
“Oh don’t get jealous now,” Sirius seemed to have regained the ability to speak, just not to his own flesh and blood. “But if you’re offering, I will never say no to time with my soulmate.”
“Whore.”
“Cunt.”
“Now, can we please mind the language.” Mr. Potter spoke for the first time. His voice was low and smooth as if he was about to do a voiceover for a nature documentary. “We have a guest and I cannot have him thinking I raised a bunch of heathens.”
Did he raise them? Could he have been around Sirius enough to impact him as a person. That made Regulus upset in a way he could not put a name to. This man who in Regulus’ mind didn’t even have a first name had spent more time with his brother than he had. Life really was unfair.
“You don’t know Reggie like I do,” The words stilled the breath in his lungs, “he already knows what kind of person I am. No one blames you.”
And then he laughed.
Regulus decided it was time to lift his head. Looking at the person in front of him who did not know him. Who should not call him Reggie, because that wasn’t his name. Cruel. This trip was like dipping his hand in boiling water. He didn’t think it could hurt more than it did at the beginning, but then his skin melted off and now the water was pulling at his bones.
Sirius was laughing and smiling. There was none of his mothers anger that could be found. He could hide it the same way Regulus could hide his yearning to be kind. Meeting Sirius, no one would know that he could pick out the thing you hated most about yourself and ensure everyone saw it. It made Regulus feel crazy, because how could he explain the speed that Sirius changed from a clear sky to a hurricane.
The first time Regulus heard his brother yell at him it felt like the burning of his own great library. A library filled with all the made up futures where they would be okay when they made it out of that house.
Regulus had not meant to upset his brother, he had just wanted to try on his cool jacket. Regulus was no older than six by this point. The fights Sirius had with their mother had not yet started and so Regulus had no way to prepare himself for how anger twisted his brother's face. That was the day he knew his brother had their family in parts of him that love could not cut out. Everyone says siblings are meant to fight but Sirius did it differently.
The fights would start with yelling and shaking and the fear of a fist connecting with his face. Then it got quieter. Sirius would whisper, “I’ll never forgive you” and “Mother would be so proud of her spare.” The first person to love Regulus was also the first one to teach him shame. Regulus had not cared what their mother wanted until Sirius told him to. Until Sirius said he was the worst of her, her dog more than he would ever be.
Their names should have been switched. Unfair that Sirius would be Orion’s dog and Regulus the bravest of the lion. Names were meant to have power, truth to them. That was what the Greeks believed. Mother believed a name was a promise. Sirius broke that promise when he left, and Regulus broke it when he stayed.
“No, I don’t. Your idiocy is all your own.” Odd that he can speak with such ice while his insides are melted by molten water.
There was a second of quiet that felt out of place in a house that had been loud since Regulus had arrived. He had not meant it as a joke and felt satisfaction knowing he had knocked the grin off of Sirius’ face.
“See Da?” Potter smiled at his father. It was odd that Mr. Potter did not feel the need to correct the slip. Surely calling a parent something as informal as Da would result in a punishment. Parents were not friends, they were judge and executioner. “Regulus doesn’t think less of you, maybe less of us, but not you.”
The physical similarities between Potter and his father were striking. Regulus had always looked more like his mother and acted like their father, while Sirius was the opposite. Potter had his mothers dark hair and his fathers curls. There was no particular reason for Regulus to notice the texture of Potter’s hair other than the fact that it was obnoxiously messy.
“He would have to think of you at all to think less.” Dorcas was looking at Sirius as she spoke. Maybe Regulus wasn’t totally alone. She would understand the anger he felt at everyone playing nice like the whole dinner wasn’t some huge act. At least at home everyone showed their anger and did not pretend to have moved on. They held their grudges out for everyone to see. “Me on the other hand, I can’t have Reg thinking I associate with you lot.”
While his eyes were trained on Dorcas, Regulus could feel someone else boring holes into the side of his head. It was likely Sirius. His eyes always made Regulus feel like he was under a microscope. They would have to talk at some point during his stay but he did not want it to be in front of everyone. No one deserved to see the kind of person Regulus was when he begged for his brother to pick him just this once. To do something other than look at him, to please just this once grab his hand and bring Regulus with him. The only person left alive who could make Regulus do that was his brother. What a weak, pathetic person he was.
“You can’t pretend to hate us when you invited yourself.” Marlene laughed as she spoke. That comment sparked an argument on whether or not Dorcas considered the people at the table her friends or not.
There had been a time when Sirius first left that Regulus hoped he would never see his brother again. When all he wanted was for Sirius to suffer the way he had to now. Then came something worse than anger. Then came the loneliness of his birthday. He had not realized he believed Sirius would reach out until he hadn’t. Strange how a person can be missed in ways outside of their presence in someone's life. How a brother can be missed in the closed door across the hall.
Regulus tried to stay angry but he never did get what he wanted. Soon it shifted to a numb disbelief and then finally a dull acceptance. He had finally done something so terrible that not even his brother could forgive him. The intention was to force Sirius to stay, to prevent him from spending the Holidays with his new friend, but instead Regulus had been the final straw to push his brother out of the house for good.
Only once did he try to reach out. A year and a half after the house became quiet, he had sent a letter to Andromada in the hopes that she would know where his brother was. It arrived back a few weeks later with “Return to Sender” on it.
How was Regulus meant to look at someone like Sirius and not feel like he was drowning. He had regained some of his hatred but it wasn’t the same anymore. Now he had to also deal with the shame of being the thing that hurt Sirius far more than their parents ever could have. His rage was permanently intertwined with his guilt. Had his brother been the one to ask him to come or had it been Remus’ idea in its entirety? It was clear that at least a few people did not want him there, but was his brother one of them?
It had become difficult to pick one feeling to settle on. To hate Potter and hate his brother but also want to have what Potter had. He wanted his brother back because he had been Regulus’ far before he was ever Potter’s. He was jealous and weak and that made him vulnerable. That was a dangerous thing. Much safer to lash out, to build up a mountain of ice between them and call it disdain.
Ensuring his face was blank, Regulus looked to his brother. He had been correct, he was staring. Since leaving home Sirius seemed to have lost the ability to hide away his feelings the way Regulus did. Because there, plain as day, was not anger but something far worse. On his face, as if it had always been there, was longing. The kind that one harboured for years and only grew stronger as the source of it came closer. It was not what Regulus expected to see.
He had to ask himself if this upset him or gave him hope. Hope for what exactly? That they could go back to being brothers as they had been before? That was not an option for them. There was too between them for things to go back to how they had been. The only reason they had worked was because there was a common enemy. Without fear holding them together, without something they needed to protect each other from there was nothing there for them. So Regulus decided to pack away his feelings in his chest.
Long ago Regulus had created a city and named it Troy. He would stow away anything that was too big to exist within himself. The first entry into Troy had been the love he had once felt for his brother. Regulus made his own Trojan horse out of hate that was large enough to hide how much he cared. In the dead of night, Troy let the horse in and it never came back out. At this moment, at this dinner table, Regulus put together another horse. This one was made of indifference and it held within it a torch made of hope. Troy had become densely populated with hidden feelings, it could take one more. Regulus just had to have faith that the city would not burn until he was alone enough to rebuild it.
There was nothing Regulus could say because he had long since forgotten how to be gentle. He instead chose to be nothing and to do nothing. If Sirius wanted things to be different he could be the one to reach out this time. There was nothing Regulus could do to change the kind of person he was, he was cruel and rough around the edges. Sirius once said his favorite thing about Potter was that he was so different from anyone he had ever met. Kind and quick to smile. If that was the kind of person Sirius wished to surround himself with then there was no changing the dynamic between them. That was fine.
Potter was now arguing with the woman who had a child while Evans and Mary laughed at him. Dorcas spoke to Marlene in a soft voice that was only for her. Everyone seemed occupied in their own worlds, having moved past the tension Regulus caused. That was everyone except Sirius. He had never been known to be contemplative, but that was the only word to describe how he was now. Regulus wished he could read minds and just know what was going on in Sirius’ head. Was he still angry or had he moved forward into acceptance the same way Regulus had?
That was how Regulus spent dinner, barely touching his food and wondering what everyone else at the table was thinking.
Evans found him as people began cleaning away the leftovers to make room for whatever game they had decided to play. Regulus planned to sequester himself away in his room to read or if he is feeling generous, reach out to some of his friends to let them know how things were going. Pandora had been supportive of him coming but everyone had some level of apprehension. Pandora, Evan, and Barty had all had the misfortune of seeing him panic about seeing his brother again, so it would be good to check in and show that he was still breathing.
Ms. Potter had given him the job of taking out the trash to ensure the food scraps did not stink up the kitchen. He willingly went because he had no reason to disrespect her, if someone else had asked him that would have been a different question.
Outside by the trash bins was where Evans cornered him.
“Why did you decide to come visit for the hols?” Her tone was not accusing but Regulus was sure there had to be something under it, some motive that explained why she had followed him outside. “Sirius has been talking about you coming for weeks now. We are all glad it’s finally here just for him to shut up.”
Regulus chose to not answer right away, instead he focused on getting the trash up away and securing the lid back on the bin. Evans was almost as tall as him but the way she looked at everyone around her made her seem taller. As if she was about to start interrogating everyone at any second. Regulus decided he did not like it in the slightest. All he wanted to do was go back to his room and read.
Evans allowed for there to be silence a few more moments before speaking again. “It’s not that we don’t want you here, it’s just that you don’t seem overjoyed at the idea of spending time with us.”
That wasn’t exactly wrong but that didn’t mean Regulus was going to give ground. No matter how nice she was trying to appear, he could see through it. She didn’t want her holiday to be ruined by a sour mood hanging over the house. His mother had always told him to either be happy to be there or be silent. That meant he had to participate or not be seen by guests. Somewhere deep inside of Regulus he still felt the need to hide away when he wasn’t happy. The issue was that others could see him, could feel how unhappy he was on a fundamental level almost constantly.
“Lupin asked me to come.” His tone flat and uninterested. The best defense against future questions is to be seen as unapproachable. Evans should be shown exactly what kind of person he was from the start. There was a rising sense of displeasure that Regulus could feel pouring off of her. It was clear she thought she was doing him a favour by trying to talk. That was her own misconception that he would not allow to persist. “There is nothing else that holds the least amount of interest to me.”
“Not even seeing the only family that has ever given a single fuck about you?” And there it was, Evans had finally shown her hand. It wasn’t that he was surprised she only cared to gain information for his good for nothing, promise breaking brother, but he wished he could have avoided it all together. Surely the house was large enough to allow for them to ignore each other for the entirety of the holiday. “All he wants is to spend time with his baby brother, you could stop being a stubborn shit for a week.”
“Do not pretend to know a single thing about my relationship with anyone, least of all him.” He spoke slowly to ensure she would not miss a single word, she needed to get it through her head that there was no fixing this. Especially if Sirius couldn’t even talk to him on his own. “He is a coward and an idiot if he thinks sending others in his stead will get him anywhere so I suggest you remember your place.”
There was a name he wanted to add to the end of that, something his mother often used to describe children of lesser families. It had been a major part of his vocabulary until Dorcas had hit him for it. Now he tried to refrain from saying it, not because he felt bad, but because an insult like that was simply low hanging fruit.
“Know my place? Have you lost your mind? You are a guest here and should remember that before you go spouting classist nonsense.” Evans face had gone red with anger and before he got a chance to explain it had less to do with her being poor and more with her being a no talent waste of space, she had turned and stormed off.
That was one way to be left alone.