Loaded Questions
Israni stared for a moment, then suddenly burst from their stupor. “Kashvi! Arjun, what happened?” They desperately wanted to jump out of the bed, to run forward to them, but they knew they couldn’t. Those two kids were the one thing that mattered more than the world to them. Kashvi and Arjun, twins that were four years younger than Israni. They had been looking after the two since they were all orphaned at the ages of eight and four, and Israni raised the twins.
They were horrified at the blood seeping through Arjun’s fingers, dripping onto his robes and the floor. Kashvi had him by the wrist, and looked absolutely livid. Kashvi was always a quiet, kind-hearted girl, with soft features and long, wavy black hair, eyes that glittered with gold. Now, those pretty features were twisted, making her look dangerous.
She spoke up, dragging Arjun forward as she went. “Arjun decided it was a wonderful idea to get into a fight!” Her English was clipped, her thick accent seeping through in her clear anger. Madam Pomfrey moved forward, steering Arjun to the bed that wasn’t occupied by one of the two werewolves. James put his hand on his hip, speaking up before Israni could, looking almost stern.
“And why, would he have done that, pray tell?” James was close with the twins, and they both loved him the most out of all of Israni’s friends. Arjun grimaced, but didn’t speak as Madam Pomfrey waved her wand, fixing the broken nose with a pop.
“You know, James, that is a wonderful question, one I expect my brother to have a good answer for.” Israni’s voice was stern, although they weren’t upset. They raised those kids, and knew that they would never fight without a good reason.
“They were saying shit about Israni, okay?” Arjun threw his hands up as he spoke. “Language, young man.” Israni, James and Remus all said at once. It would have been funny, if not for the current situation. “What do you mean, saying things? Actually, don’t tell me. I’m sure I already know.” They sighed, rubbing the bridge of their nose with the unbroken hand. Arjun had the decency to look sheepish, although Israni knew him well enough to know he didn’t really mean it. He looked prideful, almost.
“Kashvi, do me a favor and hit your brother over the head for me.” Grinning, Kashvi did exactly that, glaring at him with a look that said “serves you right, idiot.” Arjun groaned, rubbing the back of his head. “What was that for?”
Sirius spoke up this time, smiling slightly. “Pretty sure that was for getting into a fight, little guy.” Arjun crossed his arms, frowning and looking all the world like a pouting child. “I’m not little!”
“Sure, Arj. Whatever you say.” Peter elbowed James when he spoke, looking exasperated but still entertained by all of it.
Israni shook their head, leveling a stern look at Arjun. “When did I ever teach you that fighting was the answer to anything?” Arjun and Kashvi both opened their mouth to speak, but Israni put up a hand, silencing them. “Nevermind. Don’t answer that either. But seriously, you shouldn’t be getting into fights here, Jun. We can’t afford for you to be expelled. Do you understand?” He did look guilty now, nodding and looking down at the floor.
“Did you at least win, though?” Israni glared at Remus when he spoke up, wishing he wasn’t injured so they could ask someone to hit him over the head too. Arjun’s grin said it all, and so did Kashvi’s. No matter how annoyed Israni was, they couldn’t help but be a little proud.
“He did. Loser got himself hit, though.” Kashvi elbowed him, effectively pushing him off the bed. He bounced back up, about to charge forward, before James reached out, grabbing the collar of his robes. “Nope. Not in the infirmary, mate.” Arjun looked up at James from where he stood almost two feet above him, a hopeful look on his face. “Later, then?” At that, almost everyone in the room, excluding Madam Pomfrey, who had moved to the side, called out at once. “No!” Kashvi laughed, before looking over at Israni. “Isra, are you alright? You look more tired than usual this month.”
Israni sighed when the happy mood dropped quickly. “Maybe that’s because you and your brother are taking years off my life, Vi.” She looked a little sheepish, rubbing the back of her neck. “Sorry.” Arjun looked up from where James still had him by the collar. “Yeah, sorry Isra.”
It was really hard to stay mad at them, wasn’t it? “It’s fine. Just don’t let me catch you fighting again, Jun. That goes for you too, Vi.” They both nodded quickly, eager to accept the forgiveness. “I won’t, I swear.”
“I know you will anyway, Jun. Just be careful.” After Israni finished speaking, James lifted Arjun up by his collar, bringing him up to eye level, narrowing his eyes at him. “Listen to your sibling, you troublemaker.”
It was a funny sight, Arjun dangling by his collar. He stuck his tongue out at James, wriggling a bit and effectively falling from his grasp. Sirius laughed, and Israni could see Remus and Peter smiling with barely restrained laughter as James stood for a second, watching Arjun scramble away before he shot forward, calling out after him. “Get back here, you rascal!”
Remus and Peter burst out laughing, joining in with Sirius. Israni couldn’t help but smile, chuckling lightly. “Run, Arjun!” Kashvi called out, but didn’t move from her perch on the infirmary bed. Arjun ran out of the infirmary with James close behind, both almost the same speed despite the fact that James was far larger and was four years Arjun’s senior.
It only took a few seconds for them to return, James with Arjun tossed over his shoulder. As they passed Remus, he laughed at the two, causing Arjun to flip him off from behind James’ back, although all this did was make Remus laugh harder.
“Arjun Ishaan Adair! I saw that!” Israni called out as James tossed him on the bed beside his sister. James flicked him on the head before walking away, going to lean on the foot of Israni’s bed. “I don’t know what you did, but I figured it deserved a flick.” He glanced over at Israni, questioning. “You would be correct, Surya.” Israni said, using their corresponding nickname for James, which loosely meant sun in Hindi. It had always felt fitting, and went with his moon nickname for them.
Israni sighed again, exhaustion creeping in from all sides once again at the lack of entertainment, now that everyone was calm. They glanced over at Remus, who was staring at the opposite wall, looking as weary as Israni felt.
Sirius seemed to notice this, and stepped forward, walking over to Remus’ bed and placing a hand on his arm, leaning down some to whisper in his ear. Everyone else just watched, unable to hear anything, with the exception of Israni.
Their heightened senses allowed them to catch most of the conversation, which mainly consisted of Sirius asking Remus if he was okay, and Remus whispering reassurances back to him. Despite that, Sirius tilted his head up, pressing a soft kiss to Remus’ forehead, muttering something in French Israni couldn’t understand.
He straightened then, turning to address the rest of the room as if they hadn’t all been staring at him. “I think it’s high time we let these two rest, yeah?”
There were a multitude of muttered agreements throughout the room, although Remus and Israni both remained quiet, sharing a look only the two of them could understand. Madam Pomfrey pushed forward from where she was standing in the corner at that, nodding her agreement.
“I agree with Mr. Black,” Israni noticed the almost imperceptible wince that Sirius gave at his last name, as he did every time all the professors used his last name, with the odd exception of Mcgonagall. She was always a very perceptive woman.
Israni reached out to where he’d moved to stand near their bed, not looking at him but subtly putting a gentle hand on his arm, a quiet reassurance. He glanced down, something imperceptible in his eyes, before looking back up but not pulling away from Israni’s touch.
“It would be best if you all left.” James and Sirius both opened their mouths to protest, but Madam Pomfrey raised her hand silencing them both. “I am well aware that the two of you will not leave. The rest of you, though, need to go. Shoo.” She pushed Peter, Kashvi, and Arjun out, not before Peter could give the two in beds a soft smile. As Kashvi passed, she reached out, softly brushing her hand against Israni’s forehead, smiling but silent, then leaving.
It earned them confused looks from everyone but Arjun, as no one had seen them do it before. It was a quiet thing between the three siblings, an odd habit they had. Israni used to comfort the twins often when they were children, rubbing a gentle finger up across the bridge of their nose and forehead. It was something that they found security in, for an unknown reason, and it was now a small gesture between the siblings.
The three left, and the doors shut behind them, the noise causing both Israni and Remus to flinch simultaneously, earning looks from Sirius and James. Eventually, Sirius moved away from Israni’s touch that had remained on his arm for so long, smiling down at them before going to be near Remus a few feet away.
James hadn’t moved from where he was leaning against the end of Israni’s bed for a while, and remained there, quiet. Madam Pomfrey turned from where she shut the doors, going and grabbing two potions before returning, standing between Remus and Israni’s beds, a stern look on her face.
“Here, Mr. Lupin.” She handed him one of the two potions, and he eyed it for a moment then handing it to Sirius for him to hold for a moment. Sirius glanced at the label, and his face tightened for a moment. He set it on the table beside Remus’ head, then went to sit on the bed, pressing slightly against Remus. He leaned forward some, resting his clasped hands on his legs and leveling a look at Israni that immediately told them what was in the bottle.
They sigh deeply, and Madam Pomfrey turns to them, an almost hard look in her eyes. “Rani?” James spoke up from where he stood, shooting them a questioning glance. It seemed to take him a few second to take stock of the situation before he sighed, shaking his head some and moving to come up to Israni’s left side, leveling the same look at them.
It was pressuring, the stares of everyone in the room. Even Remus, as soft hearted towards Israni as he was, was giving them a look. Their skin itched, a feeling they were all too familiar with. The desperate need to scratch at it, to try and get out the thing that felt like it was crawling beneath the surface, was almost impossible to resist, but they clenched their fists, finding relief in the discreet pain that shot up their right arm from the break.
It was the easiest relief, the hardest to notice by anyone else. The silence was heavy, leaden with a gravity that felt like it was dragging them six feet under. Eventually, after a few tense moments, Madam Pomfrey sighed, still looking at Israni with that heavy stare.
“You need to take it, Mr. Adair.” Israni couldn’t help a flinch at that, and James reached out, pressing his fingers into their hand, unfurling the clenched fist and holding it. Israni hated it when people called them that, used “Mr.”. Still, they knew their preference wasn’t easily understood by the older teachers, and they could’ve let it slide without a reaction if it wasn’t for the loaded sentence it was used in.
They shook their head, causing the room to release heavy, frustrated sighs. James didn’t speak, just looking down at them with something like disappointment.
It was another sleeping potion, and their aversion to them was unwavering. They couldn’t do it, couldn’t let that feeling wash over them again, taste it in their throat. They knew they would throw up, sob, break. Just looking at the potion was a struggle, but something they could manage with some resistance. The memories were harsh, ones they couldn’t relive. It was horribly confusing to everyone around them, why they suddenly completely stopped taking the potions after Christmas break in 5th year, and they wished they never started taking them in the first place, so they wouldn’t have to bear the disappointed stares every month.
Everyone had been putting up with it, albeit not happily, but it seemed they were fed up. “You need to take it, Rani. When was the last time you slept, truly?” Remus stares at them, his eyes holding their gaze even though they wanted to look away.
“Recently enough, Moony. It doesn’t matter, because I won’t take it.” They didn’t like talking to their friends like that, being so stubborn, but they couldn’t help it. It wasn’t something that was negotiable.
“I hate to inform you, but it does matter. You need to take it.” Madam Pomfrey was the next to speak, her voice stern. She held out the potion, in a manner that clearly showed she wasn’t going to back down either.
Israni couldn’t help but flinch when the bottle was pressed closer to them, and it didn’t go unnoticed. James squeezed their hand, his expression changing from the painful disappointment to one of concern. Sirius sat up a bit straighter on Remus’ bed, no longer leaning on his knees, his eyes assessing their movements. Remus seemed to look them over, silent now.
Madam Pomfrey appeared to be the only one who somehow didn’t notice the flinch, and shook the potion in the bottle a little bit, ever insistent.
Sirius spoke up now, his tone different after seeing their reaction. “Why… why won’t you take it, Rani? What’s changed?” His brows were furrowed, and he looked like he was trying to decipher something he didn’t understand.
Israni just shook their head slightly, at a loss for words. James looked like he wanted to speak, opening and closing his mouth some before apparently coming to a decision. “Aap ise kyon nahin lenge? Aap mujhe bata sakate hain, aap jaanate hain. Ve ham jo shabd kah rahe hain use samajh nahin pa rahe hain.” *Why won’t you take it? You can tell me, you know. They can’t understand what we’re saying.* He switched to Hindi, knowing no one else in the room would be able to tell what they were saying. It made Israni’s chest ache, his kindness making it hard to hide things. Despite that, they weren’t going to back down.”Main aisa nahin karoonga, jems. Ma- main nahin kar sakata, theek hai?” *I won’t do that, James. I- I just can’t, okay?*
Israni was doing their best to ignore the stares of everyone in the room, although they didn’t seem bothered by the use of Hindi. They seemed content to wait, hoping James was working it out. Although, after Israni’s response, when James let out an exasperated sigh, everyone seemed to realize he wasn’t getting anywhere. “Rani…” James didn’t let go of their hand, but the disappointment in his eyes had returned.
“There’s no point in arguing with me. I’m not going to take it, and you can’t force me to.” Sirius seemed to eye them at that, considering. They glared at him, and when he narrowed his eyes instead of backing down, Remus reached out, placing a hand on his arm. They seemed to have a silent conversation, one that ended with Sirius reluctantly sighing. Madam Pomfrey shook her head, looking exasperated at their insistence, but didn’t appear to want to push them further, slipping the potion into one of the pockets in her robes.
“Either way, you both need to sleep. Remus, you can take your’s now. Israni… just try to sleep.” She sighed again, shaking her head and walking away, going to the private office in the infirmary.
Sirius stood from the bed, sending one last glance to Israni before turning back to Remus, getting the potion he had set on the bedside table and uncorking it for him, handing it over. Remus seemed to hesitate, looking over at Israni, almost in a way that said “I feel guilty taking this when you won’t.” His look was easy to read, and Israni grimaced slightly before turning away as he downed it. It didn’t take long for his breaths to even out, and Sirius crossed the room, going to get a chair and placing it by the bed, sitting down and reaching out, grabbing Remus’ hand as he slept.
James and Israni watched this, and when Israni looked up they could see a soft smile on his face. He glanced down, and his smile seemed to falter some, before he gently pulled his hand from Israni’s, going to grab another chair and placing it by their bed, practically falling into it. He grinned at them, although it felt forced, almost as if it was just something he felt he had to do, to be as he always was, eternally happy James Potter.
Israni just stared at him for a moment, and his grin faltered, turning to a soft smile that seemed much more genuine, which they were grateful for. They lowered their voice some before they spoke, even though there was no chance Remus would wake up.
“You look… wary, Surya. Something wrong?” James sighed, shaking his head some, the soft smile never faltering.
“No, nothing’s wrong, per say. Just,” he heaved another sigh in the middle of his sentence, pausing. People seemed to be sighing a lot today.
“Why won’t you take them, chandra? What happened? Please, you know you can tell me.” Israni couldn’t look at him, knowing the look on his face- based on the sad tone of his voice- would have hurt them. “James, I…” Their voice faded away, failing them. There was no response they had for him. They couldn’t tell him what really happened, why they wouldn’t take the potions. They had hidden it for too long, and it was far too late to tell someone, no matter how badly they wished they could.
They kept their eyes off him, their head tilted down as they fidgeted with the sheets under their left hand, the right one nearly impossible to move now after their stunt of clenching it for so long. They could feel his gaze on them, focused on the hand that was moving. He reached out, gently grabbing ahold of the hand, stopping its movement.
“Please, Rani. We can’t help you if you don’t tell us what happened.” They stayed silent, but they truly wanted to answer. It was on the tip of their tongue, and they wondered, briefly, what it would be like to tell him. Tell him what happened in that dormitory bathroom, when no one else was there.
They finally looked up at him, their own eyes unreadable. He squeezed their hand, the look on his face encouraging, begging them to answer. Sirius had looked up by now, still holding Remus’ hand but listening into their conversation.
They opened their mouth, but for a moment, no sound came out. Eventually, they spoke up, their voice quiet and almost strained sounding. “I just can’t. Not after…” They trailed off once again, struggling to finish the sentence. James didn’t speak, silently allowing them to collect themselves. “Last year, fifth year- it was- was over Christmas break, when Remus and Sirius wen to your house, and I stayed and I-” They broke their sentence off abruptly. The stares of James and Sirius were heavy, but they ignored them, pushing back the memories that threatened to overwhelm them.
“I- I… overdosed.”