Loaded Answers
It was a whisper, their eyes squeezed shut in pain. Every sound was electrified, the gasps of James and Sirius sounding more like crashing waves eroding a beach. They knew they would be disgusted, horrified they would try and do such a thing. They couldn’t stand to look at either of them. They knew they didn’t deserve their friendship, knew that neither boy would want anything to do with them now that they knew.
Their heart was beating in their throat, and it felt like something was filling their head, making it feel dizzy and almost static. The few seconds of silence felt like eternities, longer than any lifetime Israni had experienced. Eventually, the loud silence was broken, the first person to speak being Sirius, even though he technically hadn’t been a part of the conversation.
“Love… why would you- no, never mind,” He paused for a moment, seemingly taking stock of things before speaking again. Israni had opened their eyes, but they weren’t seeing anything, staring almost through the wall in front of them.
“We don’t hate you, Rani. We couldn’t hate you.” This brought them back to the present, and their head whipped around, turning to stare at Sirius. His eyes were soft, a sort of forgiveness there. Israni couldn’t speak, didn’t bother trying. Sirius glanced down at where Remus’ hand had gone limp in his, and made a decision, standing and walking the few steps to come up to the side of their bed James wasn’t sitting at. He crouched down, moving to be at eye level.
His eyes were sad, but there was still a soft, reassuring smile on his face. “It’s okay, love. Really. You didn’t have to hide this from us for so long,” He reached out, brushing a few fingers over their right arm, where it wasn’t broken. He lifted his hand, holding it out in the direction of their unbroken arm, hand still grasped by James. He held their gaze, and his voice was soft when he spoke.
“Show me, Rani. It’s okay, I swear.” He didn’t have to say what he was asking for, Israni just knew, and so did he. They could almost feel James’ confusion, but he didn’t resist when Israni gently pulled their hand from his, holding out their arm to Sirius. He took it gently, running his fingers over the rows of scars there. It was obvious what they were from, being far too great in multitude to be anything else.
James seemed to catch on, and he dropped his empty hand to the bed, staring at their arm. The scars there were layered on top of one another, a myriad of jagged lines crossing paths, marring the brown skin underneath. After years of them building upon one another, there was almost no skin left untouched, and they knew it wasn’t a particularly pretty sight. Some of them were red and angry, clearly new, and Sirius avoided touching them, knowing.
He looked up at Israni, his eyes holding an intensity they couldn’t understand. His touch remained against their arm, soft, but there nonetheless. James, who had been silent the whole time, spoke, his voice nearly a whisper.
“Chandra… why?” They couldn’t help a flinch at the question, and James seemed to regret it immediately. “Never mind, sorry, just…” he didn’t continue, still staring at their arm that Sirius hadn’t yet released.
It felt odd to them, being so vulnerable, and it wasn’t something they enjoyed. Deciding enough was enough, they smoothed their face out, gently pulling their hand from Sirius’ grasp, tucking it underneath the sheets that had been pulled over top of them at some point.
Both boys looked a bit dejected at that, but seemed to decide to let it slide. Sirius stared for moment longer before sighing, standing up and brushing a hand across their shoulder softly. “Try to get some sleep, Rani.”
They nodded, still silent, and he smiled before turning back to go sit beside Remus, taking his scarred hand in his own. They watched them for a moment, the soft rise and fall of Remus’ chest almost soothing, in a way. Eventually, Israni looked back to James, and the sad smile plastered on his face made their chest hurt.
“Sleep, Rani. I’ll be right here.” Israni nodded again, but didn’t voice that they almost wished he wasn’t there, knowing they wouldn’t sleep well. Despite that, when James took their hand, it was reassuring, and they were grateful for his presence. "Achchhe se sona." *Sleep well.* The soft Hindi was kind, something fragile in it Israni couldn’t quite understand.
They let their eyes fall shut, relaxing some. They knew good sleep was unlikely, but they would do their best anyway.
…
James watches as Israni’s breaths finally evened out, their muscles relaxing some from the constant tense state they always seemed to be in. Their face lost its hard edges, and they looked peaceful.
His thoughts were racing, the events of the day catching up to him. He couldn’t help but wonder why. Why would Israni do something like that? How could he not have noticed? There was a small part of him that wondered if it was his fault, if he had done something, not been good enough. He knew it was completely irrational, but that didn’t stop his thoughts from running rampant.
He felt a heavy guilt, and it weighed him down. He should have seen, should have noticed something was wrong. It had clearly been going on for years now, and he hated himself for not realizing it, for letting his friend suffer. He felt like he was at fault, for no real reason. He just did.
James looked up, glancing over at Sirius. The French boy was pushing a bit of amber hair out of Remus’ eyes, smiling softly. He looked so deeply in love, it almost hurt. James had just recently started dating Lily, and he wondered if he looked like that when he was with her. He knew he felt that way, at least.
Sirius seemed to feel eyes on him, and looked up, turning to James. He glanced down at Israni for a moment before looking back up, his face looking grim. James decided to voice his thoughts, his voice tentative. “Pads… what are we supposed to do here?” He was quiet, trying not to disturb Israni’s sleep, knowing they slept lightly.
“I’m not sure, Prongs. I feel like we should tell someone but… it feels like a betrayal of trust at the same time. I really don’t know.” James nodded, agreeing with Sirius’ words.
“D’you think Moony should know? He’s their best friend.” James asked, unsure.
Sirius looked down at Remus, his face unreadable. “I think so, yeah. But I also think we shouldn’t be the one to tell him. It feels like we kind of backed them into a corner. I don’t think they would have told us if we didn’t pressure them so much.”
“You’re probably right. Still… it was important, apparently. I don’t know how we didn’t…” James trails off, once again looking down at Israni. Their face had lost its peaceful look, twisted into something that resembled pain. Their breathing wasn’t as even anymore, but they were still asleep, so James didn’t say anything.
He sat back into the chair he pulled up, but didn’t let go of their hand, even though they weren’t holding his back. He resigned himself to watching them, now quiet.
…
It was only an hour later when they began to stir more, muttering something as they slept, catching James’ attention. They looked pale, their brown skin taking on an almost sickly pallor. He reached out, pushing a piece of their green-dyed hair off their sweaty forehead. He had always found their love for green entertaining, as they were a Gryffindor. They had died their hair in sixth year, just the two front pieces into an emerald green that complemented the deep black of their almost-mullet.
Suddenly, they thrashed in the bed some, still muttering. It caught Sirius’ attention, and he looked over, concerned. James pulled his hand from theirs, reaching out as if he would shake them awake, but just hovered over them, unsure.
When they thrashed again, tangling themselves in the sheets, he finally made his decision, reaching over to try and shake them awake. He quickly regretted it.
…
Israni had been hopeful for peaceful sleep, but they quickly realized it was a false hope when they were dragged into a nightmare.
Some of their nightmares had to do with experiences, a burning house, crying children, painful transformations. Some, though, were like this one, an assault of emotions and a heavy darkness that had no shape but somehow haunted them.
They felt like they were being dragged down, their skin torn at by invisible hands, pulling them deeper into something that wasn’t even there. They wanted to scream, cry out, sob, but it felt like something was squeezing their throat, ripping at their vocal chords, trapping their words deep inside them.
They could feel their skin ripping, pulled open and burning with poison. Someone was screaming, but they didn’t know who. They were being dragged deeper, pulled into an inky darkness that was drowning them, killing them slowly, filling their throat. Someone was calling out to them, their voice a static in the background. They thrashed, struggling against invisible bonds that weren’t even there. They wondered if this was how they would die, forgetting it was only a nightmare. Everything felt so real.
…
When Israni screamed, James was on his feet, immediately reaching out and putting his hands on their shoulders. He was vaguely aware of Sirius rushing over, and was sure he heard Madam Pomfrey coming out of her office.
“Israni! Rani, wake up!” He tried to shake their shoulders, but it was pointless with how much they were thrashing around. Sirius joined him, moving to hold their legs down while James held their shoulders.
Remus stirred from the commotion, his eyes opening blearily until Israni screamed again, and suddenly he was wide awake, shooting up in his bed. Madam Pomfrey rushed forward, pulling out her wand and pointing it at Israni’s chest. “Rennervate!” The spell was usually only used for people who were unconscious or in a deep sleep, but it seemed necessary in this situation.
Israni shot up, throwing off James and Sirius, causing them to stumble back a few inches. Still, James recovered, quickly coming forward. Something he would soon wish he didn’t do.
Their eyes were wild, almost unseeing, and when James came closer so quickly, they reached out, punching him across the face, sending him flying to the floor. “Rani!” Sirius and Remus called out at the same time, Sirius moving to kneel beside James, who was clutching his nose.
This caused them to pause, blinking some, finally looking around. When their eyes landed on James- who was now being pulled up by Sirius, clutching his bleeding nose- they gasped.
“James! Oh my gods, did I do that?” James straightened, pushing Sirius away a bit, and nodded, standing still when Madam Pomfrey approached, putting his nose back into place with a wave of her wand, cleaning the blood with another spell.
“It’s fine, Rani. I should’ve known not to come up to you so fast.” He was right about that. The Marauders all knew fairly well that Israni was likely to be violent after a nightmare, oftentimes still stuck in their head. The four boys had delt with it before, especially James, since his bed happened to be closest to theirs in the dorms. Each dorm housed everyone in that year in their house, which usually only added up to about five to eight people once they were separated by gender. Their room, the sixth-year boy’s dorm, housed just Remus, Sirius, James, Peter, and Israni.
All five of them were used to nightmares, as Sirius and Remus both also got them often. It wasn’t the first time Israni had punched someone after being woken up, although it hadn’t happened in a while since they accidently gave Remus a black eye, and the four boys started being more careful.
“Still. I’m sorry,” They glanced over at Remus, wincing when they saw he was awake. “Sorry for waking you, Moony.” He shook his head a bit in response, a weary smile on his face that just made Israni feel even more guilty.
“It’s alright, really.” The room falls silent then, and Israni is relieved to notice that no one asked what their nightmare was about. It’s because they understand, know that they won’t and can’t talk about it.
Eventually, Sirius moves, breaking the tender silence. He walks past, brushing a soft hand on Israni’s shoulder, smiling, before moving to stand by Remus again. James doesn’t move from where he stands at the foot of Israni’s bed, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed casually.
It looks almost like he’s trying too hard, like he’s faking a calm disposition. His shoulders are tense, his smile looking a bit forced, although it would be almost imperceptible, if it wasn’t for the fact that Israni was a very observant person.
They were very aware of James’ habits, how he was always so determined to be happy even when he didn’t need to be, something Israni couldn’t really understand. They could understand hiding your feelings, sure, but pretending to be happy just wasn’t something they did. Not a lot of people noticed how harsh James was on himself, constantly taking blame for things that weren’t even remotely his fault.
They wondered, briefly, if he was blaming himself for their attempt, their self harm. It seemed like something he would do, and they resolved to ask him about it later, when they were alone in the dorms.
Madam Pomfrey had just been standing there, watching the five students in an almost awkward way, as if she didn’t really know what to do with herself. It wasn’t her fault, of course, and Israni didn’t hold it against her.
Eventually, the matron sighed, looking around the room. “I’ll leave you all to it, then. I don’t expect you to sleep right now, but you need to at some point.” With that, she turned on her heel, leaving without waiting for a response.
Everyone seemed to eye each other, unsure of what to say, before Remus broke the silence, grinning a bit.
“Anyone want to play wizards chess?”