Lonelier Days
When Israni woke for the second time, it was to the harsh feeling of a rennervate spell. It forced their eyes open and forced the pain back to the forefront of their mind. It was Madam Pomfrey who cast it, the matron of Hogwarts, a kindly lady that had tended to Israni since their first days at Hogwarts. Her soft face was marred with a look of worry, and it pained Israni to see it. “Madam Pomfrey.”
They were still sprawled on the floor, having barely moved since they woke however many hours ago before losing consciousness once again. It was impossible to tell the passing of time in the windowless room, although every second there seemed to feel like eternity. The matron’s response was soft, concerned. “Hello, dear. Can you stand?”
Israni sighed at that, almost looking slightly disgusted. “I hate to admit it, but I don’t think so, Madam. Not this time.” They grimace as they speak, the pain white hot but somehow still bearable, as it always was. Madam Pomfrey frowned, still crouched by Israni.
“Should I call down one of the boys? They returned with Remus a few hours ago.” Israni looks almost pained at the thought but nodded the best they could. Seeing this, Madam Pomfrey stood, looking slightly grim. “Try not to move much, dear. I bandaged your wounds while you were unconscious, but there was only so much I could do. Try not to fall back asleep.” They don’t respond, just giving a slight nod and staring forward. Israni watches as the matron leaves, sighing deeply.
The day or so right after the full moon was always the hardest, a looming despair that threatened to overwhelm them constantly present. There was nothing they hated more, nothing that disgusted them more than what they became on those nights, what they’d done. Their skin felt tight, suffocating, and an ache deep in their bones that had nothing to do with pain.
It was tempting to scratch at their skin, tearing at it until it bled more, for some sort of relief from the suffocating feeling that was raking through them. It was horribly stupid, but they lifted their hand, pressing their finger against one of the two gashes on their chest through the bandage.
They let out a small gasp at the pain, but it was a relief, the lightning bolts distracting them. There was already blood soaking through the thick cotton bandages, staining the clean white surface with a dark crimson, and the amount only increased at their pressing. Eventually, when it got to be too much, they stopped, dropping their hand to the ground.
It was stupid, and absolutely no help, but that had never stopped Israni from doing it before. It was a bad habit, pressing against their wounds after a full moon like that, but Israni couldn’t be bothered enough to care. It wasn’t something they liked to admit, these habits, especially the ones that left neat rows of scars on their arms that they never allowed anyone to see. They were inexplicably careful, never doing it near the full moon, knowing the fresh cuts would be easily noticed by Madam Pomfrey.
No one ever noticed if they were just small, though, because what’s one more scar on an already ruined body?
They lay still for what felt like three lifetimes, although it was likely only a few minutes. Finally, when they had just started to get restless, toying with the idea of trying to move, the thick door of the room swung open, revealing two figures. One of them was Sirius Black, a French wizard with long black hair and soft grey eyes that were lined with a bright red wing today. The other was James Potter, a Desi boy with brown skin like Israni’s, a white, straight-toothed smile and curly black hair that was stuck in a permanent mess.
They both seemed to hesitate at the door, and looks of concern were etched onto their faces as they took in the sight of their friend on the ground. It was James who spoke first, sounding almost tentative. “Rani?” Israni almost smiled at the nickname, but a permanent grimace stopped them.
“Yeah, Jamie. I’m here.” Their voice was hoarse, raw from screams. The two rushed forward simultaneously, crouching at Israni’s side. “Hey, love,” Sirius spoke, his voice a slight whisper. “We’re here to help.”
Israni sighed at this, the idea of moving already painful. “Let’s get this over with, then.” The two boys nodded, and they shifted, Sirius taking a firm hold on both their shoulders and moving them so they were sitting up.
They couldn’t help a gasp at the harsh pain that arched through them, but did their best to collect themselves, lifting their arms to wrap around the shoulders of each boy, James on their left and Sirius on their left. The two were both fairly strong, and with a soft “Ready?” from Sirius, they hoisted Israni up to their feet, shouldering most of their weight.
Israni did their best to take some of the weight, but found themselves unable. They were only slightly uncomfortable having the two boys touching their bare torso, the only thing they had on being a pair of shorts and bandages wrapped around their stomach and chest. The best they could do was cooperate as the three began to move forward, leaving the room of the werewolf’s nightmares.
It was painful, having their right arm slung over Sirius’ shoulders, as it was most definitely broken. Despite that, they made slow progress forward, both boys careful not to rub against any of the visible bandages. Israni took soft limping steps, but couldn’t do much, as Sirius and James both seemed determined to take all of their weight.
They could feel the boys exchanging concerned glances, but they all kept quiet, a seemingly silent agreement between them not to speak of it. An agreement Israni was grateful for as they made their way to a hidden corridor that lead to the infirmary. They were also grateful for this passageway, as not only was it far shorter than trekking up the stairs through the castle to the infirmary from the dungeons, it also did a wonderful job of hiding their prone form from prying eyes.
Israni took pride in having a constant strong demeanor, and their current state wouldn’t have done anything to help that. As they walked, they couldn’t help but wonder how Remus was. After a few minutes of silence, Israni speaks up, a small amount of concern laced through their voice, steady but hoarse. “How’s Remus? Is he alright?”
Sirius and James both exchange a smile, easing some of the tight worry in their chest. It’s James who speaks, clearly happy. “Yeah, mate, Moony’s alright. He seems to get better with every moon, with our help. He’s even-“ He cuts himself off abruptly, looking slightly sheepish, almost guilty.
Israni immediately knows why, knowing all three of Remus’ friends felt bad they weren’t any help to the other werewolf. “It’s alright, James. He needs you three. That’s brilliant, truly.”
Israni didn’t voice that they were honestly grateful the three animagi didn’t join them, secretly horrified at anyone witnessing the monthly transformations. Sirius gives them a soft smile from their side as the three keep moving forward, slowly but surely. The rest of the walk was quiet, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable; it just felt right.
Israni’s silence was due in part to the pain throbbing through them, as it made it rather hard to carry an intelligent conversation. Eventually, they exit the passage, emerging behind a statue right beside the infirmary.
The distance to the doors was only a few feet, and standing in front of them was Mcgonagall, her usual stoic face revealing only a small bit of worry. When she spotted the three Sirius and James supporting Israni, she turned and pulled open the doors, ushering them inside.
“Hello, Mr. Potter, Sirius. I see you’ve brought Israni with you.”
The professor appeared mostly indifferent, but Israni could hear the concern that leaked into her voice. Israni had always been close with Mcgonagall, ever since the kindly witch took them shopping in Diagon Alley because the orphaned child had no means to.
They never understood why Mcgonagall was so kind to them, but they noticed Mcgonagall often loved the students that had no one to love them.
They would have spoken up, told the professor not to worry, but at that point it was everything they could d to remain conscious, even with the assistance of Sirius and James. Their head was hung, and breaths slightly ragged as they were supported forward, carried to a bed.
Even though they didn’t bother looking up as they moved, Israni could practically hear the grin in James’ voice as he spoke, responding to Mcgonagall’s statement that Israni had almost forgot she made.
“Hey, Minnie! Your observation is, in fact, correct.” Israni didn’t have to see Minerva Mcgonagall to know she was shaking her head, sighing at James.
Once the three of them reached the bed, Israni was gently lowered down, hissing slightly at the feeling of having their wounds jostled slightly. The ache in their arm was the most extreme, only furthering their hypothesis that their arm was likely broken.
The temptation to close their eyes was immense, but they fought it, instead looking up to see James, Sirius, and now Peter standing over their prone form. Their concerned smiles were a sight for sore eyes, and Israni attempted to return one, although it likely appeared more as a grimace.
It only took a few seconds for Madam Pomfrey to approach, shooing the three boys away, although they remained hovering to the side, watchful. It was then that Pomfrey spoke, although the words were merely a courtesy, not ones that truly required a response. “I’ll get started now, dear. Hold still.”
With that, the nurse fell silent, casting muttered diagnostic spells under her breath. The sight of the wand made Israni feel slightly twitchy, as all magic seemed to right after the full moon, when their instincts were high. Despite that, they lay still, slightly tense against the pain, especially in their arm. After a few moments, they look around, their eyes searching. Once they spotted what they were looking for, they spoke up, their voice quiet.
“Remus?” Remus was laying in the bed on their left, propped up against a few pillows. It appeared as if he had been watching, and when they made eye contact, he smiled. “Hey, Rani.”
Israni noticed he didn’t ask if they were okay, or how they were feeling. They liked that about Remus, how he always knew the answer, never felt the need to pester like the others. Their concern was sweet, but it was occasionally overwhelming, and they knew Remus understood that better than his mates.
They returned his soft smile, eventually turning back to look at Madam Pomfrey, who appeared to still be working. She had replaced the bandages now, and the new ones were a clear white, none of the crimson blood staining them, although Israni didn’t doubt that would likely change.
She seemed to have moved on to their arm, waving her wand over top but never touching, much to Israni’s relief. She eventually paused, looking up at them. “It looks like you’ve broken it dear, and, as I’m sure you’re aware, this is the second time in three months. Not only that, but it’s the fourth bone you’ve broken, total. It’s concerning, to say the least.”
Israni could practically feel the concerned eyes of Remus, James, Sirius, and Peter on them. They glanced over at Mcgonagall, who stood to the side. Instead of concern, though, she just had one eyebrow raised, in true Minerva fashion. They sighed, turning back to the matron.
“Sorry, Madam Pomfrey. I don’t mean to, really.” The witch sighed, shaking her head some and looking at Israni with pity. They hated pity.
“I know, dear.” She seemed like she wanted to say something else, but just shook her head again, turning and going into another room to get potions. It only took a few seconds for someone to break the silence, and it happened to be Remus.
“Fourth in three months? Isra, why didn’t you tell us?” His voice held a worry in it, one that Israni knew they didn’t deserve. Everyone was staring expectantly, awaiting their answer. “I- I didn’t want to worry any of you. And it’s not as if it hasn’t happened before, you know.”
Remus shook his head, holding their gaze with something like determination. “You should tell us, Israni. Those sorts of things are important.” At that, Sirius nodded, stepping forward slightly. “Moony’s right, Rani.” The other two marauders nodded in response, something that looked almost like disappointment in their eyes.
Rani looked down, sighing. “I know. Sorry.” They felt a hand reach out and ruffle their hair. It was James who did it, and Israni looked up, glaring at him. “It’s okay, chandra. We know you didn’t mean it.” Israni’s anger at his touching of their hair quickly dissipated at the use of the nickname.
James was the only other Desi student at Hogwarts, beside Irani and their two siblings, and he spoke Hindi, often using the word for moon as a nickname for Israni. It was one of the reasons they were so close, and they would often sing together when they were bored. He had almost no accent in his English, after being raised there for so long, and Israni always said his Hindi sounded weird, but they didn’t really mind. It was fun, having someone to talk to. That, and his mother’s cooking made it all worthwhile.
“Thanks, Jamie. I’m still sorry, though.” Now, it was Peter’s turn to speak up, and Israni thought it might be the first time they heard his voice that day.
“Don’t be. We get it, really.” With that, Madam Pomfrey reentered, saving them from having to answer.
She once again shooed the three boys away, and Israni noticed Mcgonagall quietly slipping out, a small smile on her face. The matron quickly drew their attention again, holding four different potions.
They recognized three of them, one being pain relief, one being skele-grow, although only a small dose, and one being a sleep potion. The last almost made Israni recoil, but they refrained from the temptation.
“Hear you go, dear. I’ve got a pain relief, skele-grow, nutrition, and a sleep potion, even though I’m sure you won’t take it.” So that’s what the potion they didn’t recognize was. “Why would I need a nutrition supplement? It’s not something I think you’ve given me before.”
Madam Pomfrey frowned slightly before answering. “Because you haven’t needed it before, dear. But apparently, you do now. Here.” She held it out, and Israni took it with a small amount of suspicion.
They didn’t even bother looking in it, just quickly downing the potion. They were used to the bitter tastes, but this one wasn’t terrible. They took the next two without question, sighing some at the almost immediate relief the pain potion provided, and grimacing at the horrific taste of the skele-grow, something they would never get used to.
They eyed the last potion, knowing what the matron’s next request would be. “I won’t take it, Madam Pomfrey.” Everyone around them seemed to sigh at once, almost exasperated.
“I wish you would, dear. You need uninterrupted rest, if not just to heal.” Sirius piped up at that, shaking his head. “I don’t know why you won’t take it, Israni. You always did before.”
They wanted to flinch at that, but remained still. Before. Yes, they had always taken them before. Before they got desperate, before they took five in the bathroom of their dorm over Christmas break in 5th year.
They didn’t tell anyone, and never would. But they also couldn’t stomach the idea of taking another one. It was self-explanatory, they thought, if they could just tell one of the others. But they wouldn’t.
“I just won’t, okay? I don-” Their sentence was abruptly interrupted when the infirmary doors swung open, revealing two Hufflepuff second years, a boy and a girl. The girl looked absolutely livid, and the boy was clutching his nose, dark, thick blood seeping between his fingers. The only problem was, those two second years were Israni’s brother and sister.