Chapter 1
Regulus decided when he was twelve, that he would never get together with his soulmate. You can only know someone is your soulmate when they’ve smiled at you, and so Regulus doesn’t smile at people until they’ve smiled at him first. Even then, he usually avoids it.
He doesn’t mind so much, now. It’s just the way it is.
Maybe, once, Regulus could’ve been able to fit with someone. To blend together with them. But he’s been chipped at since then. Reformed. He’s sharp now, edgy. He’d only make them bleed.
Sometimes that hurts. Even when you don’t know them, you can feel your soulmate. It’s called soul-shifting, as if, for just a second, your souls swap. Feel each other. Know each other.
Regulus hates that. He hates that his soulmate is so happy and he isn’t. He hates that his soulmate has to feel that sometimes. He hates that they’ll be alone forever.
But he knows this is better. It’s better, for them to miss something they never really had than to have him, and realise the only thing he’s good for is making them hurt.
And still, despite all of it, he’s desperate for them. Desperate for the happy, free feeling he has when they soul-shift.
It all hurts so much.
***
Regulus blinks his eyes open.
He’s lying on a cold, wooden floor. His room.
It’s dark now, everything glowing in that way it only does when it’s night time. Regulus lets out a soft groan, lifting his head. It swims for a second, but Regulus forces his eyes to stay open and sits up. He’s still in his jacket and shoes, phone lying just a few centimetres away from his hand. He reaches for it, checks the time. 01:29.
Regulus groans and rubs at the back of his head, a steady ache spreading through it.
It scares him a little, when he passes out like that. He always thinks, just as he’s losing consciousness, that he’s going to die. That’s not the scary part though.
What scares him is that usually, he never minds all that much.
Regulus stands up, stumbling to the desk and sitting down in the chair, legs trembling.
There are three mugs on his desk, all of them half filled with cold tea. He reaches for the first one and downs the liquid, hoping for the haze in his brain to clear a little. It doesn’t really.
Look, it’s not that Regulus is an alcoholic. He’s really not. He barely even really drinks. Usually once every three months, or something. It’s just that when he does, he doesn’t stop. Not until he just blacks out. Until all the feelings have left and he floats.
To be honest, that never takes too long. He’s a bit of a lightweight.
When Regulus feels as if the world has stopped moving, he risks standing up and only collapses twice on the way out of his room.
His two roommates are both fast asleep, as always, and Regulus locks the bathroom door before he starts running the bath.
As the water slowly fills the tub, he leans down over the toilet and empties out his stomach, hoping to make the unstable feeling in his throat go away. It sort of works, and he grabs his toothbrush, lazily brushing his teeth as he sits sprawled across the floor.
The warm water feels nice against his skin when he lowers himself into it and Regulus closes his eyes for a while.
He tiptoes back to his room an hour later, closing the door behind him and climbing into his bed. He doesn’t sleep, instead stares at his ceiling for a while. There’s this tingling in his chest and Regulus feels as if he’ll cry. It means his soulmate is thinking of him, and now he’s thinking of them and Regulus hates, hates, hates-
The tingling stops abruptly and Regulus lets out a huff of air. They must’ve fallen asleep, he thinks, and then he smiles.
At least they fell asleep with that warm tingle.
He can’t help it, really. Of course he loves his soulmate. They’re his soulmate. How is Regulus supposed to be okay with the fact that they’ll never know him? That he’ll never really know them? All they’ll ever have of each other is this. The tingle. Well, the soul-shifting, too, but Regulus doubts they enjoy that. He’d give up the wonderful feeling they give him if it meant they wouldn’t have to feel how he feels.
He’d give up everything for them and he doesn’t even know them. He doesn’t know if they’re a boy or a girl or both or neither, if they’re twenty or fifty-four (he hopes not), if they live in Germany or in Australia. He knows nothing, and yet he’s never known anyone better. He’s never felt more known, either.
And even though he’s not really sad, he falls asleep feeling cold.
Regulus leaves his apartment again at eleven. His roommates had left for… whatever it is they do by the time he woke up, so Regulus mostly just sat around and read. He’s reading his first graphic novel, ‘I am not okay with this’ by Charles Forsman. It’s pissing him off a little that he bought it yesterday and is already nearly finished, because usually books give him at least two days of peace, but he’s still enjoying it. He likes Sydney.
The tube is almost empty and Regulus gladly takes a seat as far away from other people as possible, shoving his head phones in his ears. He can’t stand the noise tubes make.
Two stops into his journey, a girl gets on and sits down next to another one that’s opposite Regulus.
He watches as the second girl gives the first a polite smile and moves her bag, and the first girl freezes. The second looks confused, like she’s done something wrong, but then the first gets over it and grins at the second so widely Regulus worries she’ll hurt her cheeks.
They both squeal, loudly, and the rest of the ride, Regulus has to listen to them being stupidly in love even though they still haven’t said what their names are.
Stuff like this happens everyday, no matter where you are. Sometimes people clap but like, it happens so often Regulus doesn’t really see the point in celebrating it anymore. It’s like if you celebrate your birthday even though it’s your birthday every day of the year. Ridiculous.
With Lana del Rey blasting in his ears, Regulus walks along the damp ground and towards the miserable little coffee shop he works at.
As soon as he enters, his co-worker Sandy shoves him into the kitchen and punches him in the arm. “You’re late, you little motherfucker”
Regulus rubs at his arm and glares at her. “I’m like three minutes late”
“No, you had the morning shift today.”
Regulus blinks. “I did?”
“Yes, you did, bitch”
“Oh, well, sorry”
“Yeah, you will be. Now get at it, I’m leaving.”
Regulus nods and hurries out of the room and into the café. There aren’t all that many people here today, Regulus realises with relief, and he quickly pulls his silly apron over his head and turns towards the customer waiting at the till.
“Hi, sorry you had to wait.” It’s hard to be polite when he never smiles at people, but this guy doesn’t seem to mind.
“Hi, um, do you have hot chocolate?”
“Yeah”
“Oh, cool, c-can I have that, please?”
“Yeah”
“Great, um thanks.”
As Regulus starts making the hot chocolate, he watches the guy. He’s tall, with sandy hair and amber eyes. He’s covered in scars but not in a thug-who-sells-drugs way, but more like a I-know-I-look-scary-but-please-like-me way.
When Regulus has finished, he hands him the drink. “Here, two pounds, please.”
“Thanks, um, sorry, I only have a tenner”
Regulus nearly rolls his eyes, why do people always think it’s the greatest inconvenience when they don’t have change? Money is money, jesus.
“That’s alright, here” He hands him the change but then he sees something in the guy’s pocket.
“Is that the Song of Achilles?”
The guy looks up and then to his pocket, from which he pulls the book out. Regulus briefly wonders how fucking massive his pocket is, but he’s a bit distracted by the signature on the book.
“You got it signed!?” He can’t help how loud he is, but the guy just chuckles.
“No, no, my boyfriend did that, it’s not a real one.”
“Oh,” Regulus feels himself deflate rather pathetically and the guy smiles apologetically.
“You kind of look like him, to be honest. Weird how similar people look sometimes, huh?”
“Hmm,” Regulus awkwardly looks down at the till, not sure what else to say.
“Um, do you like the book then?”
“Oh, yeah, I love it. Have you read Circe?”
“Yeah, I honestly liked that one better. Not as sad.”
“Yeah…”
“Right, um, I should probably…” he gestures towards the door and regulus nods, “Yeah, see you around.”
The guy smiles and then he’s gone.
Regulus finishes his shift without having any other full conversions, and he honestly doesn’t mind. His head is killing him, and maybe the one with the shy guy was alright, but most of them are fucking awkward.
Regulus is surprised when shy guy comes back two days later, ordering the same thing, this time with Lord of the Flies.
Like the other day, they talk about the book, except this time shy guy seems to feel more inclined to talk about his boyfriend as well, which Regulus has mixed feelings about. He can’t blame people for liking their soulmates, but he hates that everyone gets to have one except him.
Over the next few weeks, Regulus learns that shy guy’s name is actually Remus. Regulus starts taking his break when Remus comes in and they talk about books for half an hour while drinking hot chocolate.
It’s nothing all that special, Regulus doesn’t really know anything about Remus, they don’t even have each other’s numbers.
He starts bringing his own books, and suddenly they’ve started some weird bookclub thing.
At this point, Regulus would probably say they’re friends. Maybe. At least acquaintances. And that’s sort of… nice. Regulus hasn’t ever really had a friend who’s a boy. He always had to play with the girls, even though he hated them. All they wanted to do was pretend to be princesses or fairies and wear dresses.
Of course, later on, they’d all call Regulus a fairy for a very different reason. Whatever. The point is, Regulus likes having a friend who’s a boy, too. That is until Remus asks if he wants to meet his other friends.
“Oh, um, I dunno.”
“How about just my boyfriend first? He can be normal if he really tries, I promise.”
“I…” Remus looks at him with these big, pleading eyes and Regulus wants to hit him a little. “Fine, sure, bring your stupid boyfriend.”
Remus grins, “You’ll love him, I swear.”
“I thought you said he’s loud and can’t sit still”
“Well, yeah, but you’ll still love him”
“Sure”
“Shut up.”
“He’s your soulmate, right?”
“Well, duh”
“Alright, I was just making sure, no need to be sassy”
Remus blinks at him, then smirks, “Did you just call me sassy?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know what it means”
“No”
Remus chuckles and stands up, “well, whatever. See you tomorrow. Sassy.”
Regulus throws a crum at his head and feels satisfied when it lands in Remus’ hair, even though he doesn’t notice.
As Regulus gets ready for his shift, he briefly contemplates quitting and running away, but Sandy would kill him.
Remus and his boyfriend aren’t there yet, and Regulus busies himself with refilling the coffee beans.
The morning is slow, and Regulus spends half of it scrolling through pinterest under the counter. He’s just turned around to get himself a glass of water, when he hears the bell on the door jingle. Regulus fills his glass, chuggs it and places it back onto the counter.
“Reg?”
When Regulus turns around again, three things make his heart stop.
The first is the fact that there are two extra people with Remus instead of one.
The second is that the one holding Remus’ hand is his motherfucking brother.
And the third is that the other guy, who’s giving him a shy smile, is his motherfucking soulmate.
Regulus completely forgets about Sirius for a second, just staring at the guy, his entire body screaming. He’s taller than Regulus, with messy brown hair and brown eyes and gold glasses and dimples and there’s this overwhelmingly warm feeling in Regulus’ chest and then the guy shudders slightly because he’s feeling the tingle and now Regulus is feeling the tingle and he’s going to fucking pass out.
His internal panic is completely ignored though, because Sirius promptly screeches, “Reggie!?”
“Uh…”
The guy looks away from Regulus and Regulus wants to grab his face and pull it right back. Never stop looking at me.
“Reggie, what the fuck?” Sirius is suddenly in front of Regulus, with that air of his that’s explosive. “What’ve you done to your hair!? You look like a boy.”
Regulus cringes, and both Remus and his fucking soulmate seem to catch on immediately, though neither is fast enough to interrupt Sirius.
“No, like, really Gina,” Regulus shudders at the name, “you actually look like a boy, how are your cheeks so different? And what happened to your tits, I mean they used to be way bigger”
Regulus flinches, he can’t help it. The whole fucking café is staring at them now, and Sirius just won’t shut up.
“Alright, Pads, maybe-”
“Also, if you don’t mind, what the fuck are you doing in a fucking café? What happened to marrying some rich prick twice your age? Guess you’re not mummy’s little princess anymore-”
“Sirius-” Remus is trying frantically to get Sirius’ attention, but his eyes have gone hard in a way that’s painfully familiar for Regulus.
“Did you finally realise how shit they were, or did they realise how useless you are, huh, Gina?”
“I-”
“I bet mum couldn’t wait to kick you out, though I wish she hadn’t, you deserve to have to live with her-”
“Sirius.” The guy, Regulus’ soulmate, stands in front of Sirius, blocking Regulus’ from his view. He’s whispering at Sirius, but Regulus can’t hear and he doesn’t want to. He only needs one look at Remus, who’s looking back at him with apology and guilt laced into his eyes, before he scrambles and flees to the back of the café. He’s crying now, he knows he is and he hates it. He hates how much he cares. He hates how much everyone else cares.
I’m a boy, I’m a boy, I’m a boy, I’m a boy-
Take those trousers off, Regina, you look like a lesbian.
Why on earth do you want to cut your hair, you’ll look like a boy.
Stop whining, it’s just a dress. Put it on, now, or you’ll regret it later.
In and out
In and out
In and out
In and out-
In-
In and-
In- and-
“Regulus?”
He’s curled together on the floor, head between his knees, sobbing. He’s pathetic.
For a second he thinks it’s Sirius, the voice sounds so familiar he figures it has to be, but he realises it’s not when the person sits down next to him.
“Is it okay if I touch you?” They whisper, holding their hand out between them. Regulus can’t bring himself to reach out, so he nods, and they scoot closer, putting an arm around his shoulders.
You’re so warm.
“Hi,” they say, a smile in their voice and Regulus smiles into his leg. He can’t help it, but he has to.
I’ll just make him bleed.
“Hi,” he answers, when he’s sure his voice won’t betray him.
“Do you like cats or dogs?”
Regulus nearly has to laugh, how ridiculous is that? Why is that something he’s asking right now?
“Cats.”
“Hmm, you seem like a cat person.”
“Do I?”
“Yeah.”
I’m literally already in love, god help me.
“What about you then?”
“Both, equally. You shouldn’t compare cats and dogs, I think. They’re so different, there’s really no point.”
“Then why’d you ask?”
“First thing I came up with, sorry,” he laughs as he says it.
Regulus doesn’t answer, just tries to relish the feeling of his arms around him as long as he can.
I’m never going to feel like this again.
“He didn’t mean any of that”
Regulus would roll his eyes if it were anyone else, but he has this awful need to believe every word he says.
“I mean, he wouldn’t’ve said any of that if he’d realised.”
“Most of it wasn’t about that, though”
“Well, he didn’t mean that either.”
“You’re very sure of yourself.”
“It’s okay, I’m right.”
Regulus is so close to laughing then. He wants to, or at least smile, something, so that he knows he found it funny, that he understood, but he doesn’t.
“What’s your name?”
“James”
James, James, James.
“That’s a nice name.”
“Really? It’s kind of a shit name.”
“No, it’s perfect,” As soon as the words leave his mouth Regulus blushes, furiously, but James just laughs and squeezes him a little tighter.
Regulus still hasn’t actually lifted his head from his knees and he decides now is probably as good a time as any, it has absolutely nothing to do with James laughing.
His eyes have crinkled slightly, dimples showing and he’s so warm.
How am I supposed to let you go?
Just then, James shudders again, and then his laugh turns into a soft smile. He closes his eyes, sighing, and then looks at Regulus.
“Don’t you love the tingle?”
Regulus feels it in his own chest now, and can’t do anything but nod.
“I can’t wait to meet my soulmate. I know it’s a bit weird but I feel like I already love them more than anything.”
“That’s not weird,” Regulus whispers.
“Do you feel like that, too?”
“Yes.”
James smiles. “Do you soul swap a lot?”
“...not really.”
“Yeah, me neither. My soulmate’s always so sad and I hate it. I used to try and think of them every single day so that the tingle might cheer them up, but I think it’s only gotten worse lately. I don’t really know what to do.”
He looks like it’s so important to him, to find some way to help his soulmate- to help Regulus.
“Maybe, when you meet you can just… love them?” That’s the best Regulus can come up with, and he says it so fast, terrified James will hear the crack in his voice.
He’s never going to know it’s me. He’s never going to be loved.
James smiles a little sadly. “Yeah. Definitely.”
“Guys?” Remus pokes his head into the door, “oh, there you are.”
He walks inside, sitting down in front of them. “Reg… I’m really sorry, I swear, I had no idea-”
“It’s okay.”
“None of that was okay, I just- I’m really sorry but I kind of had to tell him, or he’d just never shut up. I’m sorry, I know it sucks to be outed like that-”
“It’s fine,” Regulus starts pushing himself up, out of James’ arms even though he wishes he didn’t have to.
“I- I should probably leave, so…”
Both Remus and James stand up but Regulus keeps walking, backpack on one shoulder and out the backdoor.
It starts raining while he’s on the tube, and by the time he gets off, it’s pouring. Regulus barely acknowledges it, just keeps walking even though he’s getting completely drenched. He feels numb and cold but at least he’s not crying again.
He tries to keep walking when he passes the supermarket, he really does, but he ends up lying on a bench in the rain with four empty bottles of wine.
[Sandy]: yo motherfucker what was that?
[Sandy]: like maaaan that was soo much tea
[Sandy]: also its totally cool ur trans like no worries man u slay
[Sandy]: andddd that sunshine boi jim or whatever asked me for ur number and i gave it to him, just fyi, hope u dont mind lmao
[Sandy]: r u like alive tho?
[Sandy]: anywho text me when ur breathing again
Regulus has to vomit twice before he can even properly open his eyes. He tries to read the texts he’s gotten but even the tiny glimpse of light from his phone nearly makes him pass out, so he puts it back down and slumps together on the bench.
He’s so cold, he’s sure he has hypothermia or something, and he thinks he’ll drop dead before he makes it back home.
Regardless, he pukes one last time before trying to stand up. Regulus looks around and finds his backpack under the bench that’s miraculously not too wet, but startles violently when a black cat shoots out and clambers up his arm. He falls over, landing on his ass and the black cat sinks its claws into his jumper.
When his mind catches up, Regulus sighs and tries to gently pry the cat away from him, but once he sets it on the ground, it just launches itself right back onto him, a distressed meow sounding from it.
They repeat this a few times until Regulus decides fuck it and just brings the cat along.
It clings to his chest as he stumbles down the street, his entire body feeling unstable.
When he finally reaches his building, he digs through his bag to find his keys, and only then does he read the texts on his phone. He groans, loud enough for the cat to hiss, and then starts the never ending climb up the stairs.
Neither of his roommates are home, as usual, and Regulus doesn’t waste a second in throwing himself into his bed.
The cat, which is apparently his now, settles on his pillow, turning into a loaf shape and shutting its eyes in a way that makes it look all cosy. Regulus can’t bring himself to be annoyed at the loss of his pillow and just uses his arm instead.
He doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t want to think about James asking Sandy for his number, because he knows it’s just for Sirius. James doesn’t actually want Regulus’ number. Regulus doesn’t want to think about Sirius either. He wants to believe Remus that he wouldn’t’ve said that if he knew, but how couldn’t he know? Regulus literally chopped off his tits, how much more obvious could he be? Why does everyone care that he’s trans? What does it matter?
And why does it hurt so much that Sirius cares? He’s done this before, he’s over his family. He’s over it. He has to be.
Who does Sirius think he is, anyway? How is he the good guy here? He left Regulus. He just fucking left.
Regulus knows things were hard, their relationship wasn’t what it used to be, but would have never just left like that. And then blame it on Regulus, too? After Regulus gave up everything for him? He was good, he want to an all-girls school and got top marks and did extra curriculars that he hated, he dated people he hated, he read things he hated, he talked to people he hated, he did everything that made him want to fucking die, so that their parents wouldn’t be so upset that Sirius didn’t. And for what? Sirius doesn’t just get to yell at him, misgender him, out him to an entire café, insult him and then make him have a fucking meltdown. And he definitely doesn’t get to know Regulus’ soulmate when Regulus can’t. None of that is fucking fair-
Regulus startles when he feels the tingle. It feels a little different now, like his soul knows James is only just out of reach. It feels sort of persistent now.
Go find him. Bring him back to us.
Regulus squeezes his eyes shut, but then his phone buzzes and he turns it over, only to see the message and groan again.
[unknown number]: hey, it’s James :)
[unknown number]: r u ok?
Why? Why? Regulus is literally going to start crying. And yet, the pull in his chest makes him type back.
[regulus]: yeah, fine
It’s bland and maybe a little passive aggressive, but it’s the best he can muster right now, especially with this horrible headache.
[james]: u sure? :(
[regulus]: totally
Okay, now that really did sound sarcastic.
[james]: alright… so, um, about earlier, are you going to talk to Sirius?
[regulus]: why?
[james]: u don’t have to, obv, but like i think he’d like it
[regulus]: i’d like it if he had a brain and yet…
[james]: pleaseeee?
[regulus]: i don’t think its a very good idea
[james]: what if i’m there too? we can all just have a coffee
Who is he kidding? He’s physically incapable of saying no to James.
[regulus]: fine