Curiosity Is a Restless and Unscrupulous Passion (part 1)
A few days later it was Lily’s turn to pick a book. She decided The Sorrows of Young Werther was the best choice. Hope had written to Remus, saying it was one of her favourite novels and that she’d bought it when she was a teen, which meant Remus’ copy belonged to his mum; she’d also said once he came home, they’d discuss it over tea and biscuits. Remus simply smiled and thought his mum had a rather particular taste in books. Who would’ve thought his lovely mum loved such a sad book?
That same morning Peter complained once Lily delivered the books during breakfast, arguing it was most likely a boring girl’s book because who else would devote so much time to writing letters about sorrow. Sirius was still mad at him for the arguing that went down in the common room, so he made Remus a toast, and then pretended the pancakes on his plate deserved his undivided attention.
“Stop it, Pete” James retorted “If you don’t fancy reading it, don’t, but stop whining”. Peter finally shut up and Sirius could not be more thankful for his best friend.
“I’m sure I’ll like it, Evans” said Sirius, trying to cheer Lily up after looking at her annoyed expression. He’d taken a special liking to her seeing how similar their relationship with their siblings was, somehow fully understanding how James would never love anyone but her.
“Oh, trust me, Black, you’ll love it” said Lily finally smiling.
***
As it often happened, Lily was absolutely right. Upon opening the book, he read “Thou, good soul, who sufferest the same distress as he endured once, draw comfort from his sorrows; and let this little book be thy friend, if, owing to fortune or through thine own fault”. He felt personally called out. The night Peter had woken him up hadn’t been the only one in which Sirius dreamt of Remus. No, Sirius almost always dreamt of his Moony. Usually he didn’t remember the whole thing, but rather bits and pieces. Sometimes it was him and Remus holding hands in Hogsmeade, others he could picture Remus simply smiling at him, a warm feeling flooding through his entire body. Besides the vampiric dream, the one he could most vividly remember was both of them at a Queen show. He’d dreamt he confessed to Remus right after Love of my Life, but woke up before Moony replied.
Although he almost never fully remembered his dreams, the thing he could always recall was the warmth, the sense of rightness of being with Remus. He didn’t know what to do.
***
Sirius avoided his tumultuous mind by focusing on the novel, deeply understanding Werther’s despair of fancying someone and being unable to do anything to confess. The book did wonders to distract him from confronting his feelings directly by projecting his discovery onto the characters. He understood how Werther had fallen for Charlotte, admiring her strength, resilience, and beauty. He dwelled on how love worked. This “feeling”—he refused to call it by its name—had sprung from friendship, from getting to know Remus, both the good and the bad, and still knowing they understood each other in a way no one else did. Although his mind was restless, he needn’t pretend everything was okay because, really, everything was okay. He still talked to Remus about anything and everything, listened to him talking about the series he watched with his mum, how she’d been teaching him how to bake, too. They’d gone to Hogsmeade, kept on plotting pranks, and so on because the one thing Sirius was certain about was their friendship.
Sirius’ confusion stemmed from the fear of what could come next if he ever mustered his feelings out loud. He believed he couldn’t just tell Remus “Hey, Moony, I fancy you” at the risk of ruining their friendship. He’d be left in shambles if Remus shunned him out of his life for good. His life would be completely miserable without Remus Lupin int it.
If only Sirius knew Remus was in the same spot as him.
***
The last Thursday of the month finally rolled in, which meant everyone would gather in the common room. As destiny would have it, neither Remus nor Sirius were prepared for the conversation they listened to. Remus was descending the stairs towards the common room, but stopped a few steps before reaching the end of the staircase to finish writing his thoughts on the book, which meant no one would see him unless they came up said stairs. Once he was done, he took a step but stopped when he heard two girls talking about him. Curiosity got the best of him and he stood still.
Sirius, on the other hand, was coming back from the kitchen, after having asked the kitchen elves for some sandwiches for their meeting, as well as a slice of apple crumble Remus kept saying he wanted. He walked towards the stairs, knowing he had to leave the cloak in their room, but abruptly stopped when he heard someone saying Remus’ name.
It wasn’t uncommon for others to talk about the marauders, but this time it was different for three specific reasons: first, they had been laying low to maximize the surprise element of their next prank. Second, the voice belonged to a girl they knew. Sirius and Remus could recognise her voice because, yes, being a magical creature and an animagus came with its perks, too. Her name was Joanna and she was in fifth grade. They had seen her a couple of times at quidditch matches, as well as in the common room; the few times she’d spoken to them, she’d always been polite, but timid. Third—and, perhaps, most importantly— because her friend was encouraging her to ask Remus out.
“I’m telling you, I don’t know if I’ve the guts to ask him on a date!” Joanna groaned.
“Well, you’ll never know if you don’t give it a try, will you?” stated her friend.
“I guess” she admitted. “But are we even sure he likes girls?” almost whined Joanna.
“What do you mean?” her friend retorted, her brow furrowed.
“Y’know, he’s always with Black. It seems as though they are joined at the hip”, Joanna lowered her voice. “What if they’re… queers”, she pretty much whispered.
“Oh”, the friend simply replied.
“Yeah, oh” Joanna sighted. “Have you seen the way they look at each other? I mean, Sirius’ eyes always follow Remus. He looks at him with even more devotion than James Potter looks at Lily. And that’s quite the accomplishment. And Remus doesn’t really smile, but when he’s near Black he always laughs. Let’s be honest, Sirius is nice, but he’s not that funny. I mean, it’s ok if they are, you know, into each other. But then there’s two problems: I’m not a boy and most importantly, let’s say Remus likes girls, boys, and so on; I could never compete against bloody Sirius Black!”
“Perhaps you’re right” was all her friends could muster.
“I mean, good for them if they are together, but I’d rather not embarrass myself asking out someone who already has a parter!” concluded Joanna. “Now, let’s go. We still need to check on that potion, lest we want Slughorn nagging us tomorrow”. Both girls shrugged and hurriedly exited the Gryffindor tower, blissfully unaware of the panic both of the aforementioned boys were feeling.
Remus and Sirius could hear their voices getting further, both stood frozen, mere meters way from each other, both unaware of each other’s presence. Their eyes widened in panic. This was bad. Remus ran to their room and locked himself in the bathroom. A few minutes latter, Sirius entered their room, took off the cloak, tossed it on James’ bed, placed the food also on the bed and screamed “FUCK! I’M SO BLOODY FUCKED!”
It was one thing to know he had a crush on Remus, but it was a completely different one to know that apparently everyone but him knew about it. Even worse, what if Remus did want to go on a date with Joanna? The possibility of Remus dating someone else hadn’t even crossed his mind. There he was, panicking, when he heard the bathroom’s door opening and saw Remus.
Sirius opened his mouth, unsure of what to say but at the same moment they looked at each other, brown meeting blue, Peter came into the room and said “There you are! James is looking for you, Sirius. Don’t know what he wants, though. He didn’t say”.
“PETER, WHY DO YOU…” groaned a frustrated Sirius. “Nevermind. Yeah, ok, I should go” he babbled. “I guess. I better go talk to him. Prongs, that is”. He then grabbed a sweater, avoiding Remus’ eyes.
“He said he’d wait for you near the lake” mentioned a confused Peter. “C’mon, Remus, James also said we had to ask Lily if she needs help for our book club later today”, he looked at Remus, whose gaze was glued to Sirius.
“Sirius?” whispered Remus, unsure of what to do.
“I… Moony. Sorry. I just… Talk to you later, Moon— I mean, Remus.” Sirius said awkwardly, still not looking at Remus. He then gave Peter a tight lipped smile and almost sprinted towards the stairs.
“What’s that all about?” Peter looked at Remus, who stood there dumbfounded. He ignored the question because, surely, he hadn’t just heard two girls saying Sirius looked at him with such devotion that surpassed James’.
“C’mon, Wormy, grab the tray of sandwiches. Let’s give it to the girls so I don’t end up eating them all before our meeting” was all Remus offered before exiting the room without waiting for Peter. The shorter boy simply followed his friend, not asking further questions to avoid the drama that was surely unfolding.
***
Sirius tried to run away from his feelings quite literally. After hearing James wanted to talk to him, he’d asked no further questions and ran as fast as his body allowed him to. For a second he thought it would be easier if he turned into Padfoot and let his instincts take over; his mind would quiet down. The dog knew he had three pack members, but was well aware he’d always follow the wolf. Wherever he went, Padfoot would follow suit; he felt like his sole purpose was to ensure the wolf’s safety and happiness. Chasing after the moon together gave him a sense of fulfillment he couldn’t describe. Sirius, however, kept running as a mad teen merely because he wasn’t keen on people wondering why a huge, black dog had appeared out of the blue. He ran so fast his lungs were burning once he found James by the lake. His best friend sat on the grass, the complete antithesis of an anxious Sirius.
“There you are”, James greeted him with one of those warm smiles he always had. He frowned after not only seeing how out of breath his best mate was, but also sensing how tense Sirius was. “Everything alright, mate?” he immediately asked. “You look as if you’d seen Bellatrix rescuing a kitten”. Sirius snorted, seemingly feeling his lungs working again.
“I’m loosing my mind” was all Sirius offered before laying on the grass and covering his face with his hands.
“Talk to me, Pads?” offered James as he took one of Sirius hands and squeezed it in an attempt to comfort him.
“It’s just. I heard two girls talking. They said something about Remus” began Sirius, his gaze focused on the cloudy sky.
“Go on”, James encouraged him “Is Moony ok?”
“One of them wanted to ask Remus out” groaned Sirius.
James chuckled and Sirius looked at him in disbelief. “Well, can you blame her? Our Moony’s quite smart, funny, and a handsome lad. He deserves to date and such” he reasoned.
“I guess” said Sirius as he tried, but miserably failed, to smile. The mere thought of Remus with someone else made him feel sadder than he wanted to admit. “They said something else”. James looked at him expectantly.
“Prongs, you’re my best mate, I trust you with my life. I want to ask you something and I need you to be as honest as you possibly can be. Doesn’t matter if it’s not what I want to hear” pleaded Sirius.
“Are you ok?” James tried again. “Did they say something about you being a Black? About you brother or your awful cousins?” concern evident on his face.
“No, my bloody family has nothing to do with this. She, the girl, I mean. She said I look at Remus with a devotion in my eyes that can only be rivaled to yours when you look at Lily”. Sirius could feel his face burning and got the urge to drown himself in the lake. That seemed easier than having this conversation.
“Pads, are you really asking me that?” James chuckled, his concern morphing into amusement.
“I believe I just did. Yes.” Sirius groaned again and for a moment James wished he had a camera on him so he could capture Sirius’ expression. James laughed and Sirius punched him on the arm.
“Stop it! I’m trying to be vulnerable here.” Sirius said as he shoved James again.
“Sorry, sorry”. He put his hands in front of him as a sign of surrender. After a couple of seconds he thought the best option was to slowly guide Sirius out of his existential crisis. “Pads, are you panicking over a mere comment? That is unlike you”.
“What kind of a question is that? Of course I am panicking!” Sirius tugged at his own hair in frustration.
“So you do you fancy our Moony”. It wasn’t a question.
“I do. Who wouldn’t? He’s Remus! He’s so lovely, and smart, and kind!” almost shouted Sirius.
“Oh, okay. I thought you hadn’t even considered the idea” James replied.
“I hadn’t, not until recently. After the bookclub I dreamt of Remus". Watching James smirking, he added “Don’t you dare ask, James Fleamont Potter! Or else I’ll run away from you and find Lily this instant to tell her of that time in third year when you got a fever, thought you’d die and wouldn’t stop talking about her. Remember how you didn’t stop whining until you made me promise I would tell her word by word “if I die, tell Lily I could live a thousand different lives in a thousand different universes and would never love anyone but her” before crying yourself to sleep?”
James paled as he simply nodded. “Fine, I won’t tease you. But, really, if you already know you like Remus, why are you asking me?”
“Do I really look at him the way you look at Lily? If so, why didn’t you say anything to me?” Sirius glared at his best friend.
“I guess I never thought it over. But it’s not just you. Moony looks the same at you” replied James.
“No, don’t do that to me”. Sirius shook his head “Please, mate. Not now. I’ll drown myself in the lake if you’re taking the piss on me” threatened Sirius as he stood up.
“Sit down, you dramatic twat” said James. “Why are you so worried?”
“Because I…”, began Sirius, “what will happen then if either of us says nothing? Or even worse, what will happen if one of us says something?”
James sighted and said: “Remember when mum told us we’re two halves of the same soul?” Sirius nodded and James kept going “I guess it’s the same thing with you and Remus. If I’m half of your soul, he’s half of your heart”.
Sirius opened and closed his mouth, absolutely dumbfounded. “Don’t overthink it, mate” James offered him a small smile. “I’m sure you both will figure it out and you’ll be Mr. Moony”.
“For Merlin’s sake, you did not just say that” Sirius grimaced.
“I did and I stand by it. Just mark my words”. Now James was taking the piss out of him. “Are you feeling better?”
“I was until that last bit” answered Sirius.
“Let’s go then. Book club’s waiting for us”. James stood up and extended his hand to Sirius.
“Prongs, what was it you wanted to talk about?” asked Sirius.
“Oh”, replied James, “You’ll see son enough”.
They walked back to the castle with a comfortable silence settling between them.
Sirius’s mind, however, was still a mess.