Curiosity Is a Restless and Unscrupulous Passion (part 2)
On their way to the common room, Sirius thought he’d somehow adverted his crisis; however, once he saw Remus, he knew he hadn’t. For one, he refused to believe James. He refused to let himself hope. Sure, he knew his best friend wouldn’t lie to him, but James wasn’t Remus. James would always try to cheer him up because, unlike Sirius, he believed in directly approaching his problems. The only way he could be certain Remus fancied him was to ask the boy himself, and he wasn’t keen on it. That was the logical thing to do, but he couldn’t. He’d made James promise he wouldn’t say anything to anyone, not to Peter, less to Remus.
What if Remus did want to date the Joanna? What if Remus didn’t want to deal with Sirius’ mess? He himself believed he wasn’t worth the trouble. Why would Remus want to be with someone who couldn’t even properly express his feelings? Worse of all, Sirius could tell there was something off with Remus. Once he noticed Remus avoided his gaze, he properly panicked. If he had heard those girls talking, there was a real chance Remus had, too. He hadn’t seen Remus, but then again, he wasn’t really paying attention at the moment. James had ran to their room, arguing he had to get his copy of the book. Sirius fought the urge of running away, took a deep breath, and walked towards Lily, hoping his nervousness wasn’t evident on his face.
“Alright, Evans?” he began.
“Hello to you, too”, answered Lily. “Thanks for getting the sandwiches” she smiled.
“Anytime”, he said absentmindedly.
“Are you okay?” she frowned.
“No, not really”, he sighted once again. “Have you ever discovered you fancy someone so much that the mere thought of it scares you?”
Lily’s frown deepened as she casted a mufliato and asked “Is this you way of asking me if I’m serious about James?”
“If you’re WHAT now?” The day kept on getting more confusing by the second.
“James said he’d tell you” Now they booth looked at each other dumbfounded.
“He did say he wanted to talk to me, but I was, no, I am sort of having an existential crisis” Sirius offered.
Lily chuckled. “Of course he’d try to cheer you up. He always does that with people, doesn’t he?” She shook her head, a fond smile on her face. “See, Black, I need you to not make a fuss out of this, but as of a week now, James and I are properly dating” she explained, sternly looking at him whilst blushing.
Sirius was speechless, but happy beyond belief for his friends. He hugged Lily tightly and kissed her forehead. “Oh, Evans! Can't believe that bastard did it!” he smiled so hard it hurt.
“Neither can I” she replied hugging him back. “But it just makes sense, you know?” He nodded. “Thanks for not screaming” she smiled again, “We agreed today to tell all of you, but I haven’t gotten the chance to tell the girls”.
“Evans, Evans. Lily. Lils, rest assured I will scream and make a proper fuss out of it, but I will wait until you both tell everyone”. Well, now it made sense why James had been even more positive than he usually was.
“Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?” Lily asked.
Just as Sirius was about to answer, they saw their friends approaching them.
***
This time around everyone sat in a different arrangement. They had agreed to meet in the room of requirement to avoid people eavesdropping on them as it had happened the previous month. Mary sat next to Sirius, who still didn’t know what was going on with Remus, so he said nothing. Lily, Marlene, and Remus were next to each other on the other couch; James grabbed a cushion and placed it next to Lily, and Peter had chosen a chair. Sirius was completely sure Remus was avoiding looking at him. They were in front of each other, but it seemed Remus’ book needed his full attention, only Sirius could see he wasn’t reading, he was merely skipping through the pages. He was also bitting his lower lip in the way he only did when he was nervous or uncomfortable.
The discussion began with James saying “Well, lads, I’m still not sure if I liked this one. It’s pretty depressing!” Everyone nodded in agreement.
“Don’t you think it’s beautiful, too?” wondered Mary, “It’s just, there’s something moving about him sacrificing himself to make sure he doesn’t hurt his friend or his loved one”.
“I cried a lot”, said Lily, “As the book went on I couldn’t help but feel heartbroken for him. Once he said ‘I have so much in me, and the feeling for her absorbs it all; I have so much, and without her it all comes to nothing’, I sobbed”. True to her words, there were tears on the corner of her eyes. Remus gently squeezed her knee and she placed her hand on top oh his.
“I don’t know if Werther ever had a chance to be happy”, spoke Peter, “seems to me he was meant to be miserable regardless of anything: he hated his profession, he disliked the people who surrounded him, he didn’t want to fulfill his family’s expectations, and Charlotte would never be his”.
The conversation flowed between almost all of them, only Remus and Sirius remained silent. Sirius was baffled at how much he could relate to a character written two centuries before he came into the world. A person who hated the expectations his family had of him, who knew how fake every member of the so called “high society” was, who found comfort in nature, surrounded by people who had completely different upbringings. He also couldn’t help but imagine how terribly devastated he would be if Remus did in fact became Joanna’s—or anyone else’s—boyfriend. He would never say a word, but just like Werther, he’d be the most miserable person on the planet.
“Pads?” he heard James’ voice “What do you reckon? You haven’t said a word”.
“I know you said you don’t agree with him taking his own life, but I do”, he finally spoke. “I understand how he knew he’d be miserable wether he lived or died. Only death seemed better, for he wouldn’t have to wake up every day knowing the person he loved was with someone who wasn’t him” he explained, his eyes briefly lingering on Remus. “How tragic would it be to discover you love someone who might never be yours?”
”But wasn’t that also selfish of him?” Remus retorted. “Don’t you think Charlotte would be heartbroken without him? She didn’t love Albert, it’s clear she felt something for Werther. She did kiss him”.
“She did, but wouldn’t that hurt even more? Wouldn’t that kiss haunt him for as long as he lived? Did he even had a chance at happiness after knowing what could have been if, perhaps, he’d been honest with her shortly after they met?” Now he was looking at Remus.
“But then again, he didn’t say anything, not util it was too late. Marriage was the only option she had. And Albert seemed nice enough. I’m convinced both Charlotte and Albert would be heartbroken after finding out he committed suicide. They did say “It's true that nothing in this world makes us so necessary to others as the affection we have for them”. Of course they would miss him terribly” Remus retorted.
“Are you saying you’d make the same choice as Charlotte? To stay with someone “nice enough”, who could offer you a comfortable life, even if that meant letting the love of your life go? Didn’t it matter to you when Werther clearly stated ‘sometimes I don't understand how another can love her, is allowed to love her, since I love her so completely myself, so intensely, so fully, grasp nothing, know nothing, HAVE NOTHING BUT HER!’” Now Sirius, beautiful and dumb Sirius, could clearly picture Remus next to Joanna and something inside him shattered.
Remus scowled. “I never said that, I understand why he did it, but that doesn’t erase the fact that the action itself was selfish. Wouldyou do it?”
Without missing a beat he answered “Would I kill myself if the love of my life got together with someone who wasn’t me? Yes, yes I would. He summed it up perfectly with “I do not think of you; you are always before my soul”. Why would I want to see another person doing everything we’re meant to do? Like finding a flat, moving in together, going grocery shopping, visiting both the forsaken French countryside and the stupid German Schloss, attending a bloody Queen show to hold hands and scream from the bottom of our lungs Love of my Life until out throats are raw?”. Only when he felt Mary tugging his hand did he realise he’d raised his voice and noticed how everyone, especially Remus, was looking at him.
Sirius inhaled and exhaled in an effort to calm himself down whilst James tried to defuse the tension by awkwardly laughing and adding “Well, if you put it like that, yes, I’ll definitely kill myself if Lily ever leaves me”.
“I don’t think I ever will”, Lily immediately replied, taking his hand. Mary and Marlene screamed “WHAT?” in unison, and Sirius took the chance to simply leave the room whilst Remus tried to process everything Sirius had said.