I’ll call your mom
Regulus Black knew that he would die.
It wasn’t a surprising revelation, or a shocking prophecy, by any means really, it was simply a statement. A realisation that had been settling in under his skin, after years of living in Grimmauld Place.
Regulus was weak. He had been born sickly, which made him extremely susceptible to illness of any kind. Any cold or infectious diseases, that made others spend a day in bed at most, left him bedridden for weeks.
He was also, unfortunately, extremely fearful. Not only of the rational things, that everybody was scared of, like cancer or serial killers, but of the irrational as well. In his head he made up rituals, of how many times to flip off the light switch or check if the stove had been turned off. Everything had to be done until it felt just right, because otherwise he felt as though the world might collapse. Regulus couldn’t explain it, rationally, in any way whatsoever and yet every night he left open certain doors and counted the steps he took to his bedroom door. Heaven forbid he took one too many and something bad happened as a result of it.
In conclusion (and much to Regulus’ dismay) it could be said that Sirius had gotten everything.
The healthy immune system and mind. The confidence. That way of walking, that had the entire rooms attention on him in an instant. Their parents respect. And most recently an entire new family.
Yes, Sirius had always been destined to get what he desired in the end, and Regulus got what was left.
Therefore, it hadn’t been hard to come to understand, that Regulus would inevitable die.
If his frail body didn’t kill him, his parents, who had never bothered to hide their displeasure at having such a pathetic son, would. He knew they would and had made his peace with it.
It was, however, only recently that he had decided how he would die, which brought him here. To the astronomy tower at midnight, looking out at the pitchblack sky.
The stars were shining brightly today, not a cloud in sight and he felt somewhat comforted to at least see Sirius one last time. Said star was as always the most prominant and easy to spot of them all. Or maybe that was simply because he was used to looking for Sirius. Wether that was in the grand hall at dinner, during family parties, or in the dark sky.
Sighing, Regulus stood up from where he was perched at the towers edge. He wasn’t going to jump. No, he just wanted to see his brother before he left to go to the lake and drown in the icy water. He wasn’t under any illusion that death by drowning would be any less painful, instead he was afraid to make a spectacle of himself.
He didn’t want people to see his body, broken, bend and bloody lying under the astronomy tower, didn’t want them gathering around him, whispering their theories of what caused his death.
‘Was he pushed?’
‘No way’
‘Isn’t he the black heir?’
‘Why would he do that?’
And then there was the matter of his friends.
Regulus shivered, thinking of Pandora crying out at the sight of him. Of Barty holding Evan as they both sobbed. He wasn’t stupid, he knew he would be missed, and he hated the thought if it, hated that he let people get close enough to get hurt in the first place.
He had known of his impending death for a while now, after all. Infact he had decided to kill himself four years ago.
When it had all become too much, when the thoughts in his mind became obsessive and wouldn’t let him rest, he found comfort in knowing it would be over one day. When Sirius had left, it was insurance, that the feeling of being left behind wasn’t forever and when his parents told him he was expected to take the mark, he knew it was his only way out.
His point being, that he had let people get close (wether that had been accidental or a result of his own selfish desires, he wasn’t sure) and so, he had thought it might be a mercy for them all, if his body would be nowhere to be found. If it were to get pulled under the lakes shiny surface, by whatever creature or wildlife would watch him struggle for breath. That way they’d all be done with it.
Regulus Black would die how he had lived. Unseen.
He stepped onto the ledge, leaning out into the wind, looking up at the stars in all their cold, graceful beauty one final time. He wouldn’t fall, he knew that. But he would die. Just not here.
That was when he heard clattering.
He turned around abruptly, almost loosing his footing in the process, to see who had come in.
‘Bloody hell’ He cursed, quietly, because of all the people that could’ve been standing in the doorway, it had to be Remus freaking Lupin.
‘Regulus come down from there’ He pleaded, his face pale and his brows furrowed in worry. He was standing amidst a broken inkwell, two pieces of parchment, and a pool of blue ink, staining the floor. Stupidly, the words only made Regulus grip the stone harder. ‘We can talk about it’
He thought about staying up there, in stubborn defiance, but what good would that do? He wasn’t going to jump either way.
‘Relax, Lupin’
‘Relax? Bloody hard to relax, when you are standing there on the edge like that’ He said, watching with careful eyes as Regulus stepped from the window back into the room.
‘So, the stars weren’t as easy to see today’ He lied, easily. ‘I had to get a little closer’
‘A little closer?’
‘Yes Lupin, a little closer. Now if you don’t mind, I have better things to do than debating wether or not I’m going to kill myself with you.’ He spit back, trying to push past the gryffindor.
Remus gripped his arm, as he did so, preventing him from reaching the door.
Unfortunately, though and because whatever entity existed apparently had a hatred for Regulus specifically, that action caused his sleeve to ride up.
Regulus could hear the stifled gasp, even as his back was turned.
Because, today of all days, he had decided to not glamour away his scars. Because today, of all days, he had decided to cut, again.
‘Regulus?’ Came the quiet question.
He felt himself shatter.
No one was supposed to know. He was supposed to die with this secret. They were supposed to think he had been kidnapped or gotten lost in the forest, when he didn’t turn up for morning classes.
He wasn’t supposed to turn up for morning classes…
In hindsight, Regulus thought, he probably could have seen this coming. He hadn’t ever gotten anything he wanted from life, so why would death be any kinder?
‘What’ He spoke, still unable to turn his head and look at Remus’ expression.
He expected shouting. His mother had shouted when she’d seen his scars, before she had realised that she didn’t have to care. That him hurting himself, meant one less thing on her plate
Remus didn’t shout. Instead, he gently pulled Regulus into a hug, tugging the sleeve back over his arm.
And Regulus broke fully, then and there.
—————————
They had sat down, sometime during his sobbing. He wasn’t sure when exactly, and Remus had taken to rubbing soothing circles on his back. Now, they were sat in silence. Regulus with bloodshot eyes and Remus with his brows still furrowed in worry.
‘Are you ready to talk about it?’
‘I don’t want to’ He replied, petulantly, leaning against the cold stone. He did not care if it made him sound childish. He was supposed to die today and now, the only control he had ever possessed had been ripped from him.
‘Regulus, you’re arms are cut up’ Remus objected.
Self-consciously he tucked his arms closer to his chest, pulling the sleeves tighter around them. ‘Why do you care?’
‘Because you are Sirius’ brother’ It would always come back to that in the end, wouldn’t it? He mattered, but only in relation to Sirius. People cared, but only because of Sirius. ‘And because you are clearly in pain’ Remus, added.
‘So what if I am?’
‘Then you get help’ He anwered, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. If you got hurt you’d get patched up, not locked in the cellar, until your back hurt more from the stone floor, than it did from the curses.
‘What if I don’t want it’
‘You get it anyway’ They sat in silence for a while after that.
It was only when they got up to leave and ‘patch Regulus up’ in a nearby bathroom (because Remus carried bandages for some reason and understood that Regulus didn’t want Mrs. Pomfrey involved) he noticed that one of the parchments had a piece missing.