I crave to say your name

James wanted a simple life, a wife, children, some job that would satisfy him enough and grow old watching his children grow up and then his grandchildren, simple, monotonous and easy, right?

The first time he saw Sirius' little brother was at his sorting, the sorting hat shouted Slytherin and he watched as Sirius tried to hide the pain in his eyes.

"I feel like he's becoming like them and I don't know how to stop it" Was the answer he got when he asked him hours later.

Now, as James watched him join the Slytherin table, he felt curious. Dark curls, pale skin and a calculated blank face, his resemblance to Sirius wasn't uncanny but it didn't stop him from seeing right through it.

Sirius had also talked to him about the problems at home one day when the subject came up about the scars on his back, his mother obviously the reason for them and his father as an accomplice. Sirius talked about noisy nights and shouting at the dinner table, he talked about beatings and whippings. Sirius also talked about his brother, about how he hated how calm he was in the face of the situation and how he accepted every word without protest, mostly he talked about him as something to be saved, someone to be rescued.

Lily had fire-red hair and her eyes were a bright green like a forest in summer. James would tease her by commenting on it and would end up delighted to see her eyes roll slowly and throw the occasional sneer his way. James felt that Lily would be the person he would marry, of course, if they got over the issue of Snape being a prat.

The second time he saw him, James was walking back to his common room in search of a book. A Gryffindor towered over him with a wand pointed in his face and he only responded with scathing glares. A look full of storms and anger like a hurricane in progress. James took one more step because he had this savior complex that lured him into trouble every time and before he took another step, the other stood up and pushed the Gryffindor with force obtained from anger and approached the wand tip now lowered to his neck to the point of pressing against his skin, he leaned his body forward watching the Gryffindor in front of him turn pale as words James couldn't hear were whispered, watching as the grey in his eyes turned cold and dangerous. As the Gryffindor fled in the opposite direction, he turned and their gazes met.

James was fascinated when all the hatred was directed at him and thought he couldn't be more wrong, Sirius was nowhere to be seen in him. Regulus' eyes glowed in such an intense and complex way that James felt he had to figure it out. Regulus ignored him by turning away and James didn't take his eyes off him until he disappeared.

The rest of the year was based on the same thing, James watching him through the dining hall trying to find what could be so interesting about him, passing him in the halls watching his eyes glare at him in annoyance. James watched him study and read in the library, finding himself fascinated when he discovered that Regulus was left handed. James had this curiosity running through his veins that made him unable to stop.

Still, James didn't feel like it was enough.

Regulus felt he was destined to be a puppet. He was, his parents had raised him to be one after all. His brother thought he knew he wasn't, his brother wanted to believe that he was meant for great things like him, his brother believed that he was meant for freedom.

When Sirius first suggested it was during the summer vacations before Regulus' first year. He was in his room reading while his mother and Sirius were fighting loudly, Regulus wasn't really paying attention concentrating on the main story unfolding in the book, when Sirius opened the door to his room shouting something else towards his mother before slamming his door. He sat on the edge of the bed sighing looking up at Regulus sitting against the headboard.

"I have an idea Reg" He began slowly, phrasing the words softly '"James offered me a place to stay at his house if ever this" He laughed bitterly "It would become too much, which has been going on for a long time" He paused for a few seconds "I want you to come with me" He finished looking at Regulus, sizing him up.

"What exactly are you telling me Sirius?" Regulus asked because his brother had never been much of an explainer and now he seemed to be saying something very stupid.

"I'm going to leave this house, Regulus" His brother blurted out leaving no room for retorts "I don't plan on coming back next summer with whatever Walburga is" His eyes filled with hope "I want you to run away with me."

Regulus blinked, waiting for the start of a laugh in his brother that indicated he was joking, he was surprised when he didn't and seeing his serious face made him feel an anger buried from deep in his bones.

"You want me to leave with you" He repeated unpleasantly, watching Sirius' glare fade "Forget it Sirius, get the hell out on your own" He went back to his book without actually reading anything as his brother stood in front of him angrily.

"You do even have an idea that the abuse we're living through isn't normal, do you? " His tone annoyed and incredulous '"Because it can't be normal for me to drop a glass of water and expect to get a slap, it's isn't normal for Walburga's bad nights to turn into whipping sessions, 'cause it's not normal for her to burn cigarettes on your skin when she's too drunk to reach for the ashtray" He stops him when Regulus tries to speak "No Regulus, you can't say she doesn't because I've seen the marks on your skin" His voice rises slightly, full of impotence "You can't pretend it doesn't happen, you can't read all afternoon ignoring the constant screams, you can't... you don't have to, because there are options Reg" He finished the sentence almost imploringly.

Regulus felt the resentment growing in him like a weed "Go away Sirius, really go away because you are the reason for all of this, because in the year you were away things calmed down" His words coming out cold and dismissive "Because you feel the need to defy our mother as if it is the oxygen you breathe, cause you are her main reason for her bad nights and her main problem when she drinks" He took a sharp breath seeing the hurt look on Sirius 'Because when you weren't here to make it all worse, it became quite easy to ignore the screaming that only comes when you return, because without you hanging around it's easy to do what they ask and easy to please them, because the problem most of the time is you"

Regulus had learned at an early age that if you were good enough you would be rewarded, if Regulus didn't argue or raise his voice his mother would warm his food, if he wasn't clumsy and took careful care of his face then his mother would let him stop after hours of practicing piano. If Regulus was the complete opposite of Sirius then he would be fine, Regulus didn't need to be saved.

"Please, Reg" His brother looked frustrated and pained as he ignored him and gave up walking out of the room, he didn't care.

However no matter how much he resented Sirius at that moment, no matter all the things he blamed him for. Because his brother was the same one he played hide and seek with when they were kids, he was the same one who helped him heal his hand when he cut himself playing with the roses, he was the same one who stayed with him when he had nightmares at night and waited for him to fall asleep, Sirius was his brother after all. When Regulus saw James Potter laughing with him during his sorting dinner he felt a rush of jealousy and contempt that ruined his meal, that was all he felt for James Potter when he saw him running in the corridors next to his brother, always being what Regulus would never be for Sirius.

He argued with his brother again a few days before summer break, before the end of his first year.

"I want to help you, Regulus" Sirius tried once more "Let me do it."

Regulus thought about it for a moment, he thought about getting on the Hogwarts express and leaving with the Potter's. It wouldn't be too hard because Walburga never went to pick them up, he imagined being impulsive like Sirius, to live by his own rules, he didn't despise it and it made him feel weak.

He wouldn't be like his brother, too cowardly to face the rules imposed on him.

"I don't need your help, Sirius" He turned around and his brother grabbed his arm.

"You can regret it Reggie, you will and it'll be okay" They looked at him softly and Regulus hated it "I'll be here when you to do it " He pulled out of his grip and walked away without looking at him a second time.

James' third year began and he was happy.

Remus thought he was crazy because Lily ignored him or they argued and James' smile grew, Sirius laughed and made fun of him immediately after and Peter laughed at his performances, James felt good.

The Slytherin Quidditch team tryouts began and James sat in the stands. He had said he was going because his intention was to see his competition that year, he was not.

Regulus' dark curls stuck to his forehead as he caught the snitch for the third time, steering his broom with precision and impressive speed. His eyes half-closed in midair and his face slightly flushed from the winter cold, to say that James was gawking was an understatement.

Once practice was over, Regulus noticed him and approached with an annoyed look.

"Did you miss something, Potter? Maybe your brain?" He said mockingly to him.

"Just looking" He shrugged as if the conversation wasn't making him dizzy "Last time I checked I was quite legal" He was stared directly and James felt the contempt in his eyes like a shiver of satisfaction.

"That confidence won't last long, everyone knows who the better team is" He left with a smug look on his face, James felt like he had won something.

Sirius was waiting for him in the common room when he returned. The fire inside was warming the room in contrast to the cold outside, James was sure it would start snowing soon and absentmindedly thought he needed to improve his heating spells as he sat down next to his friend.

"How's the Slytherin team, James?" Asked Sirius absently, completing a Herbology essay.

"They don't have good keepers but surely the beaters are going to make up for that fact" He looked at the fire remembering Lily's hair "Your brother got selected for seeker" He added because he knew Sirius would appreciate the information.

"Reggie has always been good at flying fast" He commented looking off into the distance, remembering something before shaking his head '"If you lose because of my brother I'll make fun of you forever, you know that, right?" He laughed nudging James by the shoulder.

"I'm going to win Sirius, I'm obviously the best" He shoved him back playfully, the humour draining from his face as Sirius returned to his essay '"Hey, isn't that the one that's due tomorrow?" His friend mocked as he pulled out a parchment in a hurry.

When the expected match arrived, Gryffindor was trailing 120 to 150, favor Slytherin. James was frustrated, Bludgers kept coming from all sides because one of his beaters had been sick and the replacement was pretty useless, thanks to that James had been about to be knocked off his broom more times than he had come close to scoring with the Quaffle.

He saw the Slytherin chaser score 10 more points in his favor and James glanced evilly towards his own beaters before taking the Quaffle and approaching the Slytherin rings, he absentmindedly noticed Regulus' curls a couple of feet up as a Bludger sent him swerving before attempting to score. James passed the Quaffle to his partner who had the clearest path and sighed as Slytherin managed to steal the ball again.

He saw the flash of Regulus' broom fly to a point below him at full speed with the Gryffindor seeker behind. Regulus was gripping the broom so tightly that he caught a glimpse of his white knuckles, his face was determined and victorious, almost as if he had already caught the Snitch. James didn't think long before stepping in the Slytherin's way. He really didn't want to listen to Sirius' mockery for the entire Easter break. Regulus slowed slightly when he saw him in front of him changing direction quickly with a frown, it didn't matter, that little bit of time had been enough to lose the lead he had and James watched as his team's seeker took the Snitch in his hands securing Gryffindor's victory.

Amidst shouts of celebration, Regulus flew towards him, his brow still furrowed with a look full of that hidden anger that made James shake with anticipation.

"You cheated" He stated as he reached his side, no doubt on his face, he looked like something about to explode as his words came out with a sickening calmness.

"I just dodged a Bludger, I don't know what you're talking about" He answered him with the most innocent and fake look he could.

"There was no Bludger and you know it, Potter" Regulus spoke with a harsher tone and James could have fallen off the broom from how nice it was "You had to feel so worthless if you decided to cheat"

"I don't know what you're really talking about Regulus" The noise around them was silenced by the snort and withering glare from the other.

"Of course you don't, after all your intelligence doesn't work miracles" He swept him hatefully and James felt his skin quiver where he set his gaze.

The rest of the year was mostly based on Regulus glaring at him and James cataloguing every look, feeling the hair on the back of his neck bristle at the intensity and suppressed anger that hid amidst a storm in his eyes.

Regulus only returned home for the summer vacations, too worn out at the prospect of encountering his mother's instability and his father's silence to even consider returning for Easter.

James' fourth year began.

He was laughing with Remus, both spying from a corner of the corridor watching as Filch ran out of his office full of lit fireworks, the odd one going off and exploding in the corridor.

"Merlin, I don't want to know how Sirius got them" Remus muttered as he saw Sirius in the opposite corner laughing loudly as students began to gather around the spectacle.

Someone cleared their throat behind them and James smiled turning around, finding Professor Mcgonagall looking at them with a raised eyebrow.

"Professor, we were just passing by and saw explosions" James shook his head disapprovingly "I can't believe how some people do this sort of thing."

Mcgonagall barely glanced towards the fireworks lighting up the corridor, it was definitely a mess she didn't want to get involved in.

"Actually Potter, there is something I should talk to you about" She spoke directly leaving no room for a retort and left in the direction of her office, James shrugged at Remus' suspicious look. 

Professor Mcgonagall gave him a long and boring speech about improving his grades in History of Magic involving his future OWLs, which honestly James couldn't care less about, but apparently a curious Remus did.

That's why he was in the library one Saturday afternoon, looking for a History related book when he came across Regulus reaching for the same book as him a few shelves up. James raised an arm above him, grabbing the book as if he hadn't seen it.

"I was going to get it" Cold eyes met his along with a face contorted into an annoyed grimace.

"Too slow or too short?" James looked at him with the expression he knew he found most annoying.

"As if at any point in your pathetic life you've ever picked up a book that didn't have pictures in it, don't get smart now Potter" He replied back with that storm bubbling up behind him, James could have sighed just looking at him.

"Nothing to worry about Regulus, I bet you'll grow up over the summer" He looked at him with a totally expressionless face, obviously not impressed at all.

"Give me the book and stop calling me that, will you?"

"Well that's what your name is, isn't it? If it bothers you I can always call you Reggie" James makes sure to purr the nickname Sirius always uses, Regulus visibly shrinks back with anger flickering dangerously.

"I haven't given you permission to use my name, Potter" His last name slipping from his lips with distaste, James looked up at him feeling the familiar shiver run through his skin, opening up inside him like a drug.

James felt breathless as he spoke "Maybe you should because I'm not going to stop" Regulus looked at him, visibly buzzing in anger.

"Give me the fucking book, Potter" He didn't say, he demanded, looking at him as if he had every right. He uttered the words with that tone that James knew meant he was about to explode and James realized that Regulus was gorgeous. Not that he hadn't noticed it before, but now, in that moment, with that demanding look, dark curls falling over his forehead and flushed face, he struck James as extraordinary, something to be admired. The thought pulled the air out of his chest and he held the book out to him without thinking.

Regulus' eyes flashed in surprise before he gave him a grimace of displeasure and turned to leave the corridor.

I was surprised. It's the excuse James tells himself later when he thinks about why he obeyed him so suddenly.

They started fighting lightly after that, a few times a month as if it was routine. James felt this need to test his limits, see how far he could push it before Regulus quit. James was fine, he just liked to annoy him.

That's why James decides to sit in the chair next to him one day when he sees him in the library all alone. He seems to be doing research with a potions book open and a parchment next to him and James catches a glimpse of his fancy cursive handwriting before Regulus turns to look at him in disbelief.

"What do you think you're doing?" He spoke to him in confusion, James rests his elbow on the table and subsequently his chin on his hand.

"I'm bored, Reggie" He sees him tense towards the nickname and James smiles.

"Don't call me that" He sees the anger in his eyes as he speaks tensely "And I don't care in the smallest way how you feel Potter, so bugger off."

"Why? Is it hard for you to concentrate if I'm here?" James scoffs lightly.

"No, you're just insufferable" They give him a sharp look before Regulus begins to ignore him and focus on the book.

James is quiet for a while, mildly hypnotized as he watches him write with his left hand before he begins to feel a slight sense of anxiety at Regulus' silence. James picks up the inkwell on the table and turns it in his hands reading the mark, the instructions, the color and when he turns his gaze away and meets Regulus' again, he feels euphoric.

"Put the inkwell down, Potter" He says clearly irritated. When he doesn't, he hears him take a deep breath and James is having the time of his life "Potter, put the fucking inkwell down" A shiver runs through his body at the swear.

"Don't be rude Reg, just ask nicely and I'll give it to you" Regulus takes the bridge of his nose between his fingers and lifts his head slightly, obviously trying to gather patience, James sees his exposed neck and holds back the urge to touch a birthmark under his ear.

"You know, keep it, I don't need it" He replies sullenly and James feels minor disappointment before returning the inkwell towards Regulus, who looks at him in exasperation.

"I'm playing Reg, it's obviously yours" He mocks again with a wave of satisfaction at the look of pure hatred he receives.

In the Gryffindor common room James approaches Lily who is studying in one of the armchairs by the fire.

"Hey Lily" He sits down next to her and the redhead looks at him with a raised eyebrow "Do you think you could check my History of Magic homework? Remus is busy and you're the best witch of the generation and I don't want to fail" James honestly didn't care if he did fail but he had the perfect excuse 'Please?" James looks at her with pleading eyes and knows he wins as Lily sighs.

"The battle was in 1877, not 1867" Lily giggled at something else in her homework and James felt a pleasant sensation "Merlin James, do you even pay attention in class?"

"Only when I don't fall asleep" Lily's snort felt warm in her chest.

The days at Hogwarts continued their relatively normal course, where James would tease Sirius whenever Sirius would over stare at Remus during an explanation or when he was reading quietly in the common room and Sirius seemed captivated by how the fire seemed to relax Monny's body. The situation with Sirius and his fixation on Remus was subtle, especially since the latter didn't seem to notice anything at all. However, it all became more exasperating when Sirius began to take an interest in a Hufflepuff girl, which clearly irritated Remus every time her name came up in conversation, James and Peter, noticing this, always exchanged identical looks. 

Regulus thought the day was nice. It was early but it wasn't as cold as other days, in the windows you could begin to see the flowers starting to bloom, the lake was sparkling in the sunshine and at breakfast there were pancakes. It was a pleasant day until he saw James Potter come through the dining room gates whispering something over Sirius' ear to see them chuckling quietly afterwards, Regulus felt a tic in his eye.

"The elves must be happy if they decided to make pancakes" Barty muttered sitting down next to him "I heard that Dumbledore gave them more work somewhere in the castle, they only know how to be happy about it."

"I'd be happy too if that's all I ever used to do" Dorcas across from him replied, shrugging her shoulders.

"By Merlin, I hear there are pancakes?" Evan came rushing over to sit next to Dorcas "Hopefully Dumbledore will keep giving them work."

"Aren't you happy Reg?" Asked Barty looking at him skeptically "There's pancakes" He said as if that was all the explanation.

"I'm happy about the pancakes, why wouldn't l be?" He answered them barely looking at them, focusing on another figure in the dining room, his friends followed his gaze.

"Is this because of Potter? Again?" Evan asked him slightly surprised as he poured honey and jam onto a single pancake "What?" he muttered towards Barty as he judged him with his gaze.

"Nothing, your seasoning combination is quirky" Evan gave him a dirty look "But he's right, it's Potter, just ignore him" he said to Regulus as Evan muttered a "Fuck you" quietly.

Regulus knew that doing that was the smartest move he could make, it was obvious that James enjoyed getting on his nerves, Merlin knew he had nearly murdered him when Potter took the inkwell from him a few weeks ago but it was just that Regulus felt unable to ignore him. He knew how much Potter enjoyed the game they had, it was like he was trying to touch all of Regulus' buttons to see which one would turn on and Regulus couldn't help but fall for it every time, it was an inevitable thing that annoyed him because somehow, Regulus was used to having control over himself all the time and it scared him when James would snatch it away with a single word out of his mouth. Still, Regulus couldn't ignore him, his pride overtook him enough to simply stop talking back to him, Regulus wasn't going to let him win that easily.

"Go away Potter" Regulus approached him at a Slytherin quidditch practice, he hadn't even thought about it "It's obvious you're here to watch the plays, like the cheater you are" Potter looked at him smirking.

"Are you still at it Reg? Last year's match was totally clean" He leaned back casually, Regulus became even more irritated.

"It wasn't, you're a liar and a cheat. Deal with it and leave" He glanced at him and James relaxed even more against the bleachers.

"Regulus, it's a free space, don't be mean" The full name threw him off in that way he always did before letting it go "I know I'm a big distraction to you but I swear I'll stand still" James lowered his voice slightly, almost in a mischievous tone "I'll be good" Regulus went blank for a few seconds.

"Go Potter, or the captain will make you" Regulus left after that, shocked that James was in fact distracting him and hadn't realized it until the other had mentioned it.

Regulus returned home for the summer, the house was quiet and cold despite the hot weather outside. His mother was smoking on the couch, she barely glanced at him before ignoring him again and Regulus was relieved that that was her welcome.

He went up to his room, to his neat and tidy desk, his bed spread out and a few pictures spread out on his nightstand and bookcase, then looked out the window until his father returned from work. He stood there until his parents started fighting and suppressed a shudder when he heard his mother walk up the stairs toward his room.

Fun was not a word he would use to explain his summer vacation.

James fell back into the same routine as always for his fifth year, he and Sirius avoided doing homework until they couldn't procrastinate anymore or until Moony already stressed about OWLs forced them to do it. He also had a lot of fun the day he saw Lily leaving frenetically in the middle of an argument with Snape, but the fun went away as soon as James smiled and Lily looked at him irritated, still she looked stunning.

Then it happened that Sirius was attracting a considerable amount of girls and where he didn't hesitate to flirt with at least half of them. Which led to Remus and Sirius fighting almost all the time and James was sure they didn't even know what they were really fighting about. Peter also got a girlfriend and would disappear for hours at a time.

It was Christmas break when James' father started to get sick and in the middle of January, the potions and medications stopped working on him. Sirius was sad, in some ways he was the closest thing to a real father he had ever had but still during the vacations he would do that thing of making him laugh. James couldn't understand how he was able to even try because the thought of the inevitable loss of his father was spinning around in his head in a mixture of feelings like fear, emptiness and anger and sometimes it was too much. James felt like he could break down at the mere mention of the situation and how close the future was getting, almost as if time was slipping through his fingers and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

As soon as James returned to school, he concentrated on quidditch so he couldn't think, he would train until his tense muscles couldn't take the pain and he would fly so fast that he had to be asked to stop. James became more impulsive and his answers more violent, James found himself getting annoyed with everyone when he least wanted to and sometimes he just wanted to hide in his bed all day.

Regulus felt the change more than seeing it.

"Where are you going?" James caught up with him in the hallway as Regulus was returning from the library to the dining room to meet his friends.

"None of your business" He replied indifferently without even acknowledging his presence to the side.

It annoyed Regulus that James always had a way to find him just when he was alone. When his friends would go off to get something in the common room and leave him, he would magically appear, or when Regulus would talk to a professor for so long he would leave the classroom and the only one waiting would be James. Obviously Regulus wouldn't ask him about it, he had enough pride to admit that he was curious.

Potter began to walk backwards in front of him, Regulus wanted to strangle him.

"If I didn't care I wouldn't ask you, dah" Regulus felt his tone of voice more strained than usual.

"I'm going to the dining hall, Potter" He quickened his step to see if James would too, when he did, it surprised him a little that he didn't even glance back once. He stopped abruptly when the situation felt ridiculous, James did the same "Stop following me."

"I don't want to" He replied with a short smile and barely mocking voice. Regulus examined him slowly looking for something wrong with him.

"You think you're so smart but at some point you're going to trip and I'm going to mock you" He continued walking at a normal rate with James blocking the way a little.

"I don't need you to worry about me Reg" Potter joked and Regulus rolled his eyes.

"On the opposite, I don't think I could care less about you" He replied in a cold voice without looking him directly in the eye.

James stops abruptly causing Regulus to do the same to avoid crashing into him, their gazes meet and without separating them, James takes a step closer to the front. The distance between them calculates Regulus is about one foot, but what puts his senses on alert is not only the difference in height that makes him have to lift his chin and slightly raise his gaze to cross his eyes, but how defenseless he feels, almost like a prey knowing that he is about to be hunted.

Regulus looks at him challenging, the thought of simply rounding on him and walking away never crosses his mind, it was pride, he'll think after spinning it around in his head later. James looks so intently at him that Regulus thinks he is seeing right through him, looking at every thought and feeling he has ever had in his life and examining them as if they are the only thing he exists for. Regulus feels a shiver at the thought.

"Not even a little bit?" James raises an eyebrow with an amusement that Regulus finds suddenly dark.

"Not even at all" If Regulus' voice breaks slightly at the closeness, it's no one's business, perhaps except James who looks at him as if he's discovered a secret.

The next time they saw each other it was a coincidence. 

Regulus had heard that Professor Slughorn had something for him and since he had some free time, he had decided to go. The dungeons at that time of the afternoon cooled his skin and it was refreshing considering Regulus had spent most of the day in the yard with his friends. Pandora had joined them and had commented something about re-energizing in the sun and so had ended up studying under the sun's rays for the rest of the time. Regulus had made rather fun of the reddish hue on Evan's skin until Barty touched Regulus' neck and felt a not very pleasant burning, it was Dorcas' turn to tease them when they admitted to not having used protective spells against the sun.

He opened the door to the Potions classroom after a light knock and stepped into the room. He caught a glimpse of Slughorn tidying some things and Potter's messy hair on the first desk in front of the professor, he seemed to be writing lines on parchment and Regulus refused to meet his gaze as soon as Slughorn greeted him.

"Regulus, good to see you!" He exclaimed.

"I heard you were looking for me Professor" He nodded slightly in greeting as he approached to his desk.

"Ah yes, Madam Pomfrey had asked me to make some potions for you and I just finished preparing them" His face turned thoughtful as he looked towards the supply closet "Give me a second and I'll hand them over" And he left, leaving them alone.

Regulus scanned the room. The chairs looked slightly out of place, as though the last class had recently ended, the professor's desk was littered with essays that Regulus assumed he had been grading before his presence and he slowly examined the walls before finally settling his gaze on James Potter.

Potter was leaning against the desk with a clear face that read that he would rather be anywhere else, he was writing almost lazily and when his hand trembled softly against the paper, he set the quill aside and shook his hand, closed his fist and extended it repeatedly wanting to relax it. 

Regulus didn't even notice his gaze on him until he spoke.

"Reg?" They looked at him curiously and Regulus felt caught.

"I'm not surprised you're in detention" He answered him firmly and arrogantly, like the tone could erase Regulus' gaze on James. 

He moved closer to him so they were facing each other with the desk in between and it took Regulus a little longer to read what he was writing due to the position.

I must not mess with my classmates' potions in any way."

Slughorn didn't believe me when I told him it hadn't been me who had altered Snape's position" Potter shrugged.

"Given your record I wouldn't be surprised if it hadn't been you at all" He looked at him hostile and Potter looked at him indifferently, it was the contrast to how he would have been looked at a few months ago that made his skin crawl. 

"Then you'll never know the truth" Her tone came out mocking with a slight smirk.

James carefully stood up and walked to where Regulus stood, he walked around the desk and Regulus turned in the same spot so his back wouldn't be to him, it looked like a mirror to how they had been the last time. James slowly approaching and Regulus refusing to step back. He stopped almost at the same distance tempting Regulus to move away and raised an arm by his side with frustrating slowness, picking up something on his desk behind him. James was clearly smiling in amusement and his eyes glittered brightly as his arm brushed against Regulus' side and he pulled out the parchment he had been writing on. Regulus jumped slightly at the contact which felt like a burn, not necessarily from the sun and the sting made his breath catch for a few seconds in confusion before James shot him one last curious glance and turned away from him and walked towards the professor's desk.

Regulus felt the loss of James and the cool air of the dungeons stopped feeling refreshing and went to something to be cold about, a shiver ran through him and he suppressed it as Slughorn entered the room again with a potion in each hand.

"James! I almost forgot about you" He said putting down the potions to pick up the parchment he held out to him '"Time in detentions flies quickly" Potter grimaced irritably.

"Sure, see you on Monday Professor" James gathered his things giving Regulus a quick glance before leaving the classroom.

Slughorn watched him leave and a loud sigh came from him, Regulus walked over to the professor expecting to get what he had come for.

"Poor kid" Slughorn slightly shook his head in pity "Finding out your father has weeks left before he dies must be hard" Regulus tensed as the information filled him and he felt like he had completed a puzzle he didn't know he was putting together "Anyway, take your potions kid and remember the essay on toxic ingredients is for Tuesday's class" He was dismissed from the place so quickly he felt like he never got in.

His head thought of a thousand things on the way to his common room but at not a single moment he remembered that the potions were for the wounds on his back that had reopened in quidditch training. He didn't even remember that they were a product of his father's or his mother's laughter and screams when he didn't make noise at the pain.

James found a new way to tease him that exasperated Regulus every time. Occasionally in his occasional teasing he would do that unexpected touching thing, he didn't know if he could categorize it as touching since it usually consisted of friction, but it burned and hitched his breath just the same. Regulus felt her skin against his like something inexplicable, something that was a tiny touch that grew all over his body and made him feel totally uncovered and unprepared. James would brush a piece of lint off his shoulder in the middle of an argument or bump his foot against his almost lazily to smile when Regulus moved slightly and quickly, wanting to pull away, however, he would never move enough to completely remove himself, refusing to be the one to pull back first.

It wasn't until James disappears completely that he feels uneasy.

"Yes! I heard it was two weeks ago" Regulus overheard a Hufflepuff as he walked down the corridor "Poor James, he was always so close to his father."

"Do you even know him?" Asked his friend, clearly fed up and Evan pushed him to keep moving forward, avoiding him from hearing the rest of the conversation.

When they reached the common room Barty looked at him in confusion as Regulus dropped onto the couch and Evan pulled out a parchment and a book, starting an essay.

"Potter's father died. He won't be around for a while, isn't that what you wanted?" his friend shrugged at Dorcas' incredulous look.

"I didn't want his father to die" Regulus replies indignantly and frustrated.

"No, but those things happen. The point is you seem almost more obsessed with him now that he is gone than when he used to be" Barty plops down next to Evan and when he reloads all his weight on him he snorts but doesn't pull away.

"That's not true" Though it sounds like a lie even on his lips. Barty drops the subject rolling his eyes and the silence that settles between them has Regulus wanting to say it again.

That's not true.

But Regulus feels uneasy. James hasn't bothered him in two weeks and it unnerves him. Because his appearances fall like clockwork, every so often, and now it's as if the clock has broken down and Regulus feels useless looking at the little hands trapped in a number, almost expecting them to magically move again making the same annoying noise he dislikes. Except that in fact the clock is not broken, the clock is missing and Regulus expected to hear the absent noise.

"...And my mother screamed because she didn't know my father was an animagus and she was so scared because she thought a peacock had gotten into her house" Dorcas said a week later at breakfast and Barty laughed lightly.

"I heard that a first year saw a deer near the castle and he's absolutely sure it's an animagus because deer don't usually come that close to the school" Barty said as if he was saying something confidential.

"First years are always making stuff up" Evan steals Barty's pumpkin juice taking a sip and Barty's color turns pinker as he looks away and pushes him slightly.

"Reg" Dorcas snaps her fingers in front of a distracted Regulus "He's not there" And returns to the conversation normally " Although I saw a black dog myself near..."

Regulus' gaze falls back to the Gryffindor table and the empty space that has yet to be filled and Regulus feels angry as he does every time he realizes he's looking for him. How is it that even without him circling around him it seems impossible to get him out of his head? Why does he have to keep bothering him even from a distance? and worst of all, why does he come down to the dining room every morning expecting to see him? James fucking Potter was a pain in the ass even when he wasn't and Regulus was so angry and frustrated that it honestly scared him.

Regulus also turned his head as a laugh similar to James' could be heard nearby and he almost imagined that Barty's touch burned just like James'. Regulus felt upset when a month passed without seeing him and he realized that the silence in the halls was louder than ever. He realized that his fights had become so routinized that he had begun to look forward to them, and now that he didn't have them, he missed it.

He also thought he was going crazy when the only nights he could sleep were when he went over his last fight in his mind. At how James had sat next to him again in the library and pinched his arm to get his attention, at how Regulus had given him that attention by pinching him back and how James had said "You're so childish Reg" in that ironic, dark voice he had recently adapted that Regulus couldn't decide if it was more tolerable or more annoying. Regulus was definitely losing his mind and the one to blame was James Potter.

----

The sun covered his eyes waking him up for another day and the annoying sound of an owl wanting to get in through his window echoed in his ears like breaking glass. James got out of bed with a sultry slowness, because that was how the last few days had felt, fuzzy and uncomfortable. He went downstairs after letting the owl in and tossed the letter on his desk with all the others unopened and avoided looking at his father's study as he had for the last month.

"Do you want coffee James?" His mother asked softly, James also avoided looking at her because seeing her face with dark circles under her eyes and puffy reminded him of his own suffering.

"Yes, thank you" He sat down on the bar stool slightly lost in thought.

"Have you studied these days? OWLs are always difficult exams" James nodded '"Remember to pack your bag before tomorrow, I don't want you to be late as usual" His mother kissed his forehead before returning to the kitchen.

James had had no motivation to go back, he found it hard to imagine himself laughing in the common room again or trying to do homework and being distracted by Lily giggling with her friends on the side. James didn't want to go back to the gossip that definitely was waiting for him and the constant pressure of exams that seemed to make everyone unstable. But there, in the middle of a Slytherin vs. Gryffindor match, James knew that his one motivation was enough.

Regulus didn't even disguise his surprised look as soon as James rose into the air and lined up in the chaser position as usual, before they threw the Quaffle to see who would get the ball first. James smiled at him suddenly funny enough to remember anything from the past. Regulus looked away from him for a few seconds before bringing it back and James was even more amused that a glint of confusion flashed over his eyes the second time.

James had arrived that morning only to get to the match and had eaten breakfast as early as possible to avoid the typical laments that had him, at that point, quite sick of it. Sirius had hugged him and James had told him he was sorry he hadn't been allowed to go home with him, since technically it wasn't very legal to host someone who ran away from home without telling anyone. Peter and Remus had beaten him for not answering their letters and worrying them and then taking turns hugging him. James let himself be comforted by each of them and smiled slightly at the others, except Lily. James let her do whatever she wanted which was even a brief nudge as soon as he realized he was past the stage of well wishes and condolences.

"James Potter returns after a month away from school and is doing his best scoring another point for Gryffindor" The commentator is new as Remus had quit that year wanting to concentrate on the OWLs but it was a bit sad that the pitch wasn't filled with obvious favoritism and the odd swear word that escaped him in the midst of the excitement "Mulciber steals the Quaffle and dodges a well thrown Bludger, the Gryffindor keeper catches it before it enters the ring and directs it towards. .."

James sees Regulus move overhead and his eyes connect once again, sending a rush of adrenaline over his skin before the Quaffle is thrown towards him and he has to move towards the hoop. When James scores again, the cheers of excitement from the stands triple, making him feel his mind clear and fresh compared to the last few weeks.

When the score is 110 - 150 in favor of Gryffindor, one of the Slytherin beaters hits a Bludger and it speeds towards one of the chasers, just as he is about to dodge it, the Bludger abruptly changes direction towards James, hitting his broom with such force that it makes an indentation in the wood about to break it in two. James hasn't even been falling for a second when a hand grabs him and instinctively James pushes himself one last time on his broom to get on the other, Regulus trembles slightly as James holds onto him around the waist to keep from falling. 

The Bluger however, doesn't stop there and starts furiously punching anything in front of him. It crashes into the Ravenclaw stands and a chorus of not so excited screams now fills the pitch as the professors try to stop the ball and as it crashes into the Gryffindor hoop it bounces back into a beater who batters it by muscle memory and flies over the Slytherin stands, causing more panic.

"How is it that you just got back and immediately disaster breaks out at Hogwarts?" Regulus asks him in shock, raising his voice to be heard over the shouting.

"It's a gift, Reg" James tries lowering his voice against his ear and marvels as Regulus is jolted again and his face blushes for an instant. James decides it's a nice color.

"Don't play with my patience Potter, I'll throw you off the broom" James squeezes his hands tighter against Regulus' waist just because he can and because the trembling under his fingers rewards him. Regulus tries to elbow him backwards and James laughs.

"But you asked" He replies playfully, forgetting about the Bludger and hearing Regulus snort.

"I didn't know you answer everything you're asked" He can feel his eyebrows raise and his sarcastic look without even seeing him.

"Only if you're the one asking" He mutters again against his ear and is surprised when he hears a low, short laugh. James feels his heart beating faster and not even Dumbledore's voice saying that the Bludger was already held and cancelling the match slows it down. He decides not to think about why that affects him so much.

"Merlin, was that a laugh? You laughed Regulus?" He refuses shaking his head directing the broom down slowly and James feels his skin prickle in anticipation.

"I don't know what you heard Potter, but I assure you there is nothing about you that I find the least bit entertaining" James hops off the broom as soon as it hits the ground and a not so hostile look meets his.

Before he can answer, James' team surrounds him and he can only shoot him an amused glance before walking away.

The day after the game, the excitement dies down and James once again feels that pressure in the background. A pressure that hasn't been removed since the day of his father's death, however, he can feel it loosen slightly in the face of conversation with his friends and a less irritated look coming from the Slytherin table and James thinks he'll be fine.

Lily and him get closer after that. Almost as if she remembers that James is more than just an annoyed boy after seeing him at the loss of her father and possibly it also has something to do with the constant fights he's seen her in with Snape. James isn't complaining, any excuse to spend time with Lily is welcome in his eyes.

"... Remember? And then there was this fireworks explosion on the way and it was pure luck that Slughorn let me go to look for the culprit" Lily would comment to him one day as they walked to the dining hall together. Since Sirius and Remus were already there and Peter was nowhere to be found, she had joined him during the walk.

"Wait" James stopped, looking at her incredulously "You mean the ones from last year in Filch's office?"

"Yeah, just those" She looked confused before putting the facts together in her head "Don't tell me that..." She laughed as James nods smiling.

"Yes! It was Sirius who got them in Hogsmeade" They continued walking and Lily looked at him with a joyous glare that shook James' stomach "Remus was so worried that someone had seen him, he threw the remaining ones into the lake" Lily let out a shorter laugh.

"Merlin, I can't believe it. I refuse to owe you a favor for that" She shakes her head with an amused tone and James can't take his eyes off her for a minute, maybe that's why he doesn't notice Snape as quickly as he would when they turn down the next corridor.

"What's the matter, Potter?" Snape stops in front of them, glaring at him contemptuously '"Hoping to score points with the dead father story?" James freezes before a rage fills his blood. 

He feels the hallway shrink as his hands clench into fists and his ears cover for a few seconds.

"Oh, Sev..." Lily manages to say, disappointed, before James interrupts her.

"What's your problem? Snivellus?" He uses the derogatory nickname even though he doesn't usually use it when Lily is around and sees Snape turn red with anger.

"My problem is you, Potter" He replies curtly "Always thinking you're charming, strutting around the castle like you own it.... When in reality you're just a stone in anyone's shoe" James laughs unpleasantly and sees Lily tense up more at his side.

"Don't mirror your insecurities back to me" Both their gazes clash with hostility "We both know what you're really upset about and I find you rather pathetic with your miserable excuses to interfere"

"James" Lily grabs his arm as people begin to gather around them "Stop it, you know he's being a prat"

Snape glances at Lily and an irritated grimace passes over his face. James raises both eyebrows in her direction with a haughty grin in provocation.

"And why do you think I would want to intervene between you and Evans?" Snape utters Lily's last name with contempt "We both know she's never going to love you the way you want her to"

"James" Lily tells him insistently, he ignores her.

"And who do you think she's going to love? You?" He snorts as if humored by the implication 

"The lack of love in your life has clearly affected your brain if you think you're even a viable option for anyone in life, so, forgive me, if I don't care in the slightest what you think regarding Lily" He feels the change in the atmosphere before Snape says it.

"Believe me, I couldn't care less about a common mudblood."

A silence fills the hallway.

Lily stands motionless for a moment before a gasp is heard in the crowd and Snape looks regretful for a few seconds, before revealing a hostile face again.

"How dare you" Lily's voice sounds bitter and hurt as she raises her voice 'You are a disgusting person, Severus" She shoots him a look of pure disgust and turns away, pushing against the crowd to leave.

Without her present, James feels a hatred grow from within him that leaves him trembling and considers hitting him very seriously.

"Are you happy, Snape?" He slurs the words with a dangerous calmness and moves towards him pushing him by the shoulders. The other doesn't even feign to defend himself as he stumbles backwards slightly "I bet your blood beliefs have taken you a long way. I never considered you one of them but I shouldn't have guessed considering how despicable and stupid you are."

"You're not far off that comparison" Snape says weakly and James sees red as he pushes him back harder.

"You're disgusting, I'm not surprised by the fact that your mother killed herself in second year. If I had a bastard son like you too, I would have done it too" He spits cruelly and Snape's face loses all color on top 'In fact, I think I would not only have hung myself, I probably would have..."

"You don't get tired of talking, do you Potter?" Regulus' voice interrupts him, it fills his ears like none in the crowd ever had and James sees a warning in his eyes. Those eyes that had surely seen the entire discussion, the storm filled eyes that James still didn't know why he adored "You're done" Regulus declares, his voice firm, almost like a command. His body is tense, stopping James from continuing to talk and say things he'll feel a little guilty about later.

James' hatred doesn't subside but slowly softens, as if Regulus were covering the feeling with a blanket. He shoots him a subdued look before stepping out of the circle made around him, just before he hears Mcgonagall arrive and disperse the crowd.

The image of Regulus, the words '"You're done" coming out of his mouth spin around in his head the rest of the time and unable to stop the thought an irritated feeling covers his body. Between the OWLs and the stress of taking them, it was their last interaction before summer break.

----

Regulus is an intelligent person. He is the best in his generation beating the Ravenclaw's by a few points. Regulus is praised by teachers and has never had a detention in his life. He speaks loud and clear when he has to and is quiet when he must. Regulus is hostile and cold, he is also careless and smooth. Regulus has Ancient Runes as an elective at Hogwarts. His favorite fabric is silk. Regulus is a good seeker in Quidditch. Regulus doesn't cry often.

The first thing Walburga says to him when he gets home for the break is " I heard what you've been doing" And Regulus doesn't have time to think before being dragged into the living room and listening to his mother scream for a good 10 minutes about blood purity and how Pandora "Didn't fit the standards" on how Regulus had been seen conversing with her and all the dishonor he was bringing to the family. When he was compared to Sirius he knew the situation was all fucked up and wasn't at all surprised when his mother decided it would be a good idea to whip him for making her remember him.

His back took two weeks to heal with barely enough potions to heal a scratch.

"Why aren't you asleep?" Walburga asks from the couch one night when Regulus came down to the kitchen.

"I was thirsty" He replies with rehearsed calmness.

"Come" She orders him and Regulus hesitates for a second before walking over to her as he would at his own funeral. His mother is smoking and he feels a surge of relief that doesn't last long as he sees an ashtray next to him "Let's play a game" The words frighten him but he doesn't say anything as he nods. Walburga pulls out her wand and lights a fire at the tip "Uncover your arm, if you remove it and step away from the fire, I will kill you" She isn't even drunk and that scares him more.

Regulus doesn't even hesitate she won't as he shows her his bare forearm, clears his throat and takes a deep breath.

"Your aunt's research is finally paying off" She tells him as she brings the flame close enough to his skin for him to feel the heat "She's only missing a pain scale before the fire and I thought you might be useful for once" The heat becomes overwhelming starting to sting the more she brings it closer. Regulus flinches "Tell me when the pain feels like a number 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 and I'll let you go."

Level 2: The itching turns to burn and Regulus closes his fist trying to think of something else. The tapestry on the wall shows peeling away at the edges.

Level 3: His skin feels tender as a prickling sensation spreads through the area. Regulus stops breathing as the smell of burning flesh reaches his nose and nausea rises up his throat. The carpet at his feet is filthy, Kreacher must be getting lazy.

Level 4: The heat feels suffocating in a combination of burning and pressure. A raw panic overcomes him and he fights the urge to move as he trembles violently. The couch is filled with ash.

Level 5: He feels like something wants to escape from inside his skin and knows that blisters are forming.

"It's a level five" He says in desperation, his voice cracking as he utters the number. When her mother doesn't stop and the fire continues to burn her skin, he feels an urge to cry from impotence, his chest tightens and he closes his eyes tightly.

Without even thinking, he instinctively pulls his arm away. His heartbeat increases rapidly and he can't help but look at his mother in horror, expecting anything from her.

Walburga laughs.

She takes another drag on her cigarette and sneers at his face.

"Merlin, I'm obviously not going to kill my heir" She exhales the smoke with a smile and Regulus feels the revelation as a shock grinding his body "Don't be stupid, Regulus."

When the third nightmare wakes him trembling that night, he decides not to go back to sleep. He tries to let the air fill his lungs like it used to before and a few tears spill from his eyes as despair consumes him.

The burn leaves a pink scar on his skin.

He has been on vacation for three weeks when an owl comes in through the kitchen. The sun has already set and there is cool air outside. Regulus moves to open the window but Walburga steps forward, taking it first. She opens it slowly, expressionless and reads it for a few minutes that Regulus considers endless. She looks up and drops the letter on the table for Regulus to approach. When he does, he immediately tenses and backs a few steps away from his mother, pretending not to be scared wasn't going to save him this time.

"Isn't that the girl you were never going to talk to again?" The cruel pout on her lips makes Regulus feel his eyes sting.

When his mother takes her wand and mutters "Crucio" twice in a row over him, Regulus admits it.

When he swallows the screams the first time and when he lets them out the second, he feels broken.

He swallows his pride and ignores the shame with eyes wet with terror as he packs his things that night. He does it quickly, afraid to think it through and letting his instincts guide him.

He walks out the front door as he hears Walburga going to sleep and his muscles tighten and contract painfully.

Regulus thinks of constant guilt. He thinks of opportunities not taken and broken silent children. He thinks of sharp screams and weak feelings. He thinks of perfect faces and insignificant control. He thinks so much that Regulus feels a wave of self-loathing so strong he feels like he's drowning in it and forces himself to go over every fact when he feels like he stops breathing.

Regulus is an intelligent person. He is the best in his generation beating the Ravenclaw's by a few points. Regulus is praised by teachers and has never had a detention in his life. He speaks loud and clear when he has to and is quiet when he must. Regulus is hostile and cold, he is also careless and smooth. Regulus has Ancient Runes as an elective at Hogwarts. His favorite fabric is silk. Regulus is a good seeker in Quidditch. Regulus doesn't cry often.

He repeats it until he remembers he is someone outside of that house and he repeats it when he remembers he has a future.

Regulus is an intelligent person. He's the best in his generation....

And he repeats it and repeats it and repeats it and repeats it.

----

James is sitting in his father's office. Now that he's stopped avoiding it he feels like he can't go out most of the time and he's fine, his father's scent is long gone but he's fine. He looks out the window to his left and at the small drops of water that started falling recently. It's late, James reckons it's going to be 11pm in no time but Sirius had been laughing most of the afternoon with his mother about some muggle magazines that dinner had been delayed and they had barely finished eating. James could still hear Sirius' voice in the kitchen slowly putting things away.

The doorbell rings and James flinches, stepping out into the living room just in time to hear Sirius shout an "I'll get it" and see him cross to the door. The door opens with a slight creak and Sirius tenses seeing the person on the other side. James shakes his head curiously and understands why when he sees Regulus outside his house.

"I'm a smart person, aren't I?" his voice is weak and his gaze seems lost for a moment. Sirius snaps out of his stupor, grabs his arm and pulls him inside the house wrapping him in a hug.

James sees Regulus shaking, not very hard, a barely perceptible tremor that makes him feel sick. He sees his hair slightly wet from the rain, a few drops of water sliding down his neck and for some reason that fact makes his body weak.

It doesn't stop raining all night and continues into the next morning, almost as if the weather is also sad. James doesn't know what time it is when he wakes up, the clouds are gray blocking out the sun and he stares out the window for a moment absentmindedly remembering the same eyes. He gets up when he has no longer any reason not to, slowly walks down the stairs feeling the cold floor under his bare feet and regrets not having put on shoes. He hears mumbling coming from the kitchen, as he enters he finds his mother making breakfast and Regulus helping him.

"Now put it on the pan, a little slower.... Yeah, like that " His mother was saying to the other and laughed warmly as Regulus almost dropped the omelet as he flipped it over "Oh James, so glad you showed up. Could you start setting the table? Thank you!"

Regulus looks up and their eyes meet for the first time since he arrived, since James felt like he was watching something illegal, something too intimate and private to stay. Regulus looks at him carefully, James thinks maybe he's waiting for him to say something about his presence and can only shoot him a curious look.

"Didn't we have the same thing for breakfast yesterday?" James complains averting his gaze from the other and speaks towards his mother. Regulus' presence unsettles him and that fact disturbs him slightly but he doesn't plan to do anything about it. His mother raises an eyebrow at him and James lets out a chuckle raising his hands in a peace sign "I was just commenting anyway."

Sirius walks into the kitchen with his face glowing and James can't help but notice the difference between him and Regulus.

"Puddlmere United won against the Tutshill Tornadoes a few hours ago" He looks at James with a sassy grin "You owe me money Pads" He turns to his brother with the smoothest face "James always bets on the worst teams, it's a given I'm going to win money every time"

"Hey" James glares at him, indignant.

Sirius opens the window as soon as it stops raining and an owl comes in a few seconds later. The howler doesn't even begin to hoot as it is incinerated by his mother. A heavy silence fills the place and Regulus tenses for a moment before his mother speaks again "James, the table" She says in reminder "Sirius, help him and don't let him get distracted" She scoffs.

"You don't have to take it all out on me, you know?" But James sets the table anyway.

A few hours later, the sun is clearing the clouds and a sultry heat blankets the house. Regulus sits in the living room looking out the window with a distracted air as Effie (As James' mother had asked to be called) drags her son for some shopping to Diagon Alley.

The Potter house is big. It is made of dark bricks with some light details, the roof is covered with brown tiles, it is surrounded by well-kept gardens and a stone path leads to the front door and a dark gray wrought iron gate. It is not like Grimmauld Place, it isn't cold, dark or dreary, it isn't silent in the way you can hear even the smallest pin drop from the table. The Potter house is full of pictures, in them you can see James and his family or James and Sirius. It has a floor to ceiling window in the living room that lights up the entire room, the dining room is not overdone and has a table that is not too big but not too small, the kitchen is also beautiful. Nothing looks old or dangerous and it is warm when it has to be.

Regulus feels out of place.

He glimpses out the window a part of the garden filled with white orchids and Regulus thinks about everything and nothing at the same time. When Sirius plops down beside him on the couch, Regulus tenses momentarily before forcing himself to relax.

"The first thing I noticed when I got here were the candelabras" Regulus turns to look at him but Sirius is leaning back against the backrest, raising his head and looking at the one above them "The glass instead of the classic black metal seems most lively to me" He is comparing them to the ones at Grimmauld Place, just as Regulus was comparing the whole house " Surely you didn't see them last night but when they are on, the glass reflects the fire and the room doesn't look dark nowhere" Regulus says nothing to that and Sirius neither asks him for an answer. Silence fills the house again until his brother speaks again "What changed your mind?"

Sirius turns to look at him from his position and Regulus doesn't dare hold his gaze for long. He knows his brother is talking about his proposal in his first year and how he had turned it down not once, but twice. His mind flashes back to the pain in his back, the burn on his arm, the cigarette marks and excruciating pain on the kitchen floor. He thinks about pretending he didn't hear the question, deflecting it and talking about the gardens, he decides to soften the answer.

"You know, usual stuff" He turns to look at the chandelier so he doesn't have to look at him. It was a very nice candelabra.

"If it had been the same as usual you wouldn't be here" Sirius' voice becomes stiff "What did Walburga do this time, Regulus?"

He looks towards the orchids again, he knows his brother is frustrated. When Regulus came in last night and broke down in his arms they didn't talk much about it other than the quiet murmurings of his brother saying he would be fine. He had slept in the guest room and had gotten up early, because sleep no longer meant rest for him.

"It's not relevant now, Sirius."

Regulus wants to tell him everything, wants to tell him about the dark nights after he left. He wants to blame him and say that, his parents forgot that Regulus was the perfect boy and every little thing started to fall on him like it was his fault, he wants to tell him that every whipping and every burn on his body was because of him, he wants to tell him about the days he spent without eating by saying he didn't know where he was, Regulus wants to blame him so bad that he thinks it could hurt him.

But he doesn't, because it was no one's fault but his own.

"I don't understand how you still protect them even after all this time" Sirius sounds hurt and irritated, Regulus looks at him.

"I don't but it doesn't change anything you knowing that" He says bitterly and emphasizes the words "It doesn't make any difference, Sirius" His brother looks at him completely to his face.

"It does, Regulus. We could file a lawsuit, take the case to the ministry.... They can't get away with it that easily" Regulus doesn't want to laugh but he does, because it's absurd that they're even talking about it and it's absurd that his brother is even considering it. Sirius looks sick for a few seconds at his laughter but Regulus doesn't stop.

"Do you think that would get us anywhere? Merlin, Sirius" He shakes his head in disbelief "With the contacts they have, the ones who would end up in Azkaban would be us and probably the ministry would laugh at the attempt" He snorts feeling his head hurt, his brother takes several deep breaths and softens his tone.

"Then at least tell me" He says almost pleading 'Tell me you hate them, tell me you regret it, tell me something, Reggie" His gaze feels heavy on him and Regulus looks away again because it's not fair he feels like crying again.

"I don't regret it if that's what your thinking" He says because it's the fact he can give him at that moment, it's the only thing he feels he can give him now "I don't regret not running away with you years ago" Sirius inhales sharply.

"You don't regret it?" he sounds incredulous, almost angry and Regulus hates that the tone of voice makes him want to hide "You're saying you'd do it all over again if you had the chance? You're saying you wouldn't change anything?"

"I'm saying I don't regret it, Sirius" He shoots him a cold look "We're not talking about hypothetical situations, we're not talking about what would happen if.... We're not, shit happened, yeah. I'm the one who has to live with that at the end of the day" He speaks sharply and wonders where all this anger is coming from "I have no use for regret if it was my fault from the start" His brother returns a horrified look to him.

"It wasn't your fault, Regulus. None of it was your fault..." But Regulus is tired, he feels like he hasn't slept in a long time and the headache is getting worse.

"I don't need a psychomage, Sirius" He interrupts him and can't help but getting up and leaving.He locks himself in the room where he slept and when the door is lightly slammed he has to remind himself that Walburga is not around to yell at him about it.

The following days are strange, at least that's how James feels about them. The tension between Regulus and Sirius is so delicate that James feels it every time he enters a place where the both of them are together. They're usually in complete silence with each other, not an awkward silence, but the tension of a thousand unspoken words between the two of them is obvious. Sirius looks at him back the way he did in first year, as if Regulus was still trapped under the shadow of his parents and maybe he was, but James knew he was definitely not the same person Sirius swore he needed to be saved. Regulus never seemed to return his gaze and their maximum interactions between them was mostly based on passing the salt around the table.

James doesn't talk to Regulus much but he usually feels the need to be close, so that's what he does. If Regulus is sitting reading in the living room, he comes over and lays down looking at the candelabra on the ceiling, listening to the other's breaths as if it were songs. If Regulus is in the kitchen learning to cook with his mother, then James sits at the counter and chats with his mother until she has had enough and Regulus watches quietly. If Regulus is in the guest room that is now his, James stares at the door for a few seconds before walking past it. It feels like an inevitable thing, like Regulus is a magnet that draws him to it all the time.

"I miss Moony" Sirius was laying on his bed as he organized his desk.

"Do what we all do and send him a letter" He replies absentmindedly.

"You know I'm not going to" He rolls on the bed and lets out a pitiful moan that sounds rather exaggerated "He's mad at me and I don't know what I did. If you know you have to tell me" They look at him hopefully.

"The letter idea doesn't go away, you know?" James laughs at his friend's whine. He reaches over and hits him with a pillow to make room for him on the bed. They both lie shoulder to shoulder looking up at the ceiling "I should write Lily?" he thinks absentmindedly out loud.

"Yeah, why not?" Says Sirius nonchalantly "I should write to Moony anyway.

"Mmm" James thinks he should repair his father's record player, it broke a while ago and hadn't been touched since.

"Regulus is different" Sirius comments a few minutes later, as if the thought has been going around in his mind for a long time "I mean he obviously is, I didn't try very hard to get close to him after I ran away because I thought he probably didn't want me around and he was obviously going to change during all this time" James turns his face to look at him in profile. Sirius speaks carefully, shaping his thoughts and translating them into words "But now.... Merlin, he feels completely different now" His eyes look lost "I don't know if he's falling apart or if he's planning to burn down Grimmauld Place. Lately his expression tells me nothing and he tells me nothing and I can only remember when we were kids, in how I used to read him with every look and every feeling.... It's strange that I can't do it anymore" He finishes almost to himself and James doesn't say anything because he doesn't think he should.

The rains began to fall harder as the days went by, hitting hard against the windows and watering the flowers in the garden, it was cold during the nights and the heat was unbearable in the afternoons. His mother was happier too, she wouldn't say it but having more people in the house slightly eased the lack of his father, James had noticed that she was smiling more these last few days and it felt like taking off a weight he didn't know he was carrying.

One day James sees Regulus in the kitchen, by himself. He goes to him because he is like a moth to the light and sits at the counter as he normally does. Regulus moves quietly, grabbing the occasional thing from the drawers and occasionally looking at something on the stove. Every step and every move he makes is more confident, he doesn't hesitate as much compared to the first few days and his body lacks the recent tension. James shouldn't be so fascinated to see it but he does.

James looks down at the chocolate chips hidden among a couple of ingredients and reaches out to grab a handful when Regulus swats him away.

"Don't touch anything, Potter" He warns him pointing a finger at him "I'm going to use them and I have no use for it if you finish them."

"You just hit me" James looks at him indignantly '"Now you have to give me the whole bag in compensation" Regulus snorts and shoots him a not at all surprised look.

"It was a barely a slap" And he turns around pulling something off a shelf.

"Don't underestimate your strength, Reg" His eyes roll and James loves it.

"Don't overestimate my patience then" Regulus gives him a distracted look and it doesn't seem fair that he feels a shiver just from that, James laughs.

It feels like they've broken the surface of the ice over a lake, not necessarily on purpose. Just at the moment where the ice starts to crack and make a delicious sound into your ears. Where you can feel an amazement at the cracks, fine lines connecting one to another making an incredible pattern and where you momentarily forget that it is something to be afraid of. It's a liberating feeling, almost as if all your sins have been exempted and you are the free person you were meant to be.

Regulus makes it feel that way, as if every problem in the universe has been solved and every worry has been eliminated.

From that day things flow slower, quieter. As if summer is apologizing and softening the heat in compensation.

There is something about the simplicity of his new life that falls like a dead weight in Regulus' stomach. The way there are birds singing outside his window every morning, how the sun streams through the curtains and how the gardens full of life are the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes make him feel sick, as if the whole situation is about a mistake. The feeling of doing something wrong when he helps Effie make breakfast or when he takes a book from the shelves of an office and sits down to read it in the living room comes over him so strongly that sometimes he has to take a moment to breathe.

The first time Regulus had something burned in the kitchen he stepped back a few paces away from Effie, he hadn't even thought about it acting on instinct. When she laughed at the disaster by disappearing the food Regulus felt uneasy, not receiving a consequence left him expecting one and when 10 minutes passed and not a single scream was heard, he didn't feel relief or feel calm, no, Regulus felt confused.

The abuse in his life had abruptly stopped and now he was expected to get used to a life that everyone called " normally" How was Regulus supposed to live without the daily abuse if it was the only "normalcy" he knew? How was he supposed to get used to soft, soothing words if irritated, angry looks were all he'd ever received? How was Regulus supposed to do that knowing that guilt hit him every time his body began to relax around every person in the house? How would he do it if he couldn't feel happy without avoiding the stab of discomfort that threatened him at every turn...and more importantly, when would it happen?

Regulus didn't know how to exist without fear and now that there was no reason to feel it, he felt wrong.

The sun was beginning to set and the sky was reflecting it in shades of pink on the horizon when James had fallen next to him on the couch, he hadn't made a sound, just a small thump against the canvas but to Regulus his presence always seemed the loudest. Regulus' body relaxed involuntarily, something he seemed to do more often around him that Regulus tried to ignore completely.

"What are you reading, Reg?" The question came out of him with complete curiosity, the teasing tone he used when he tried to tease him was nowhere to be seen. Regulus doesn't take his eyes off the book but answers anyway.

"Runes of blood and time" His voice comes out calm, without the biting or exasperated tone he hasn't used in a long time in James' presence, Regulus cannot help but feel weirded out by that.

"Oh, isn't that the one about the wizards who created a rune that heals wounds by returning them to a time before they happened?" He looks up and meets his wondering gaze.

"Uh-huh" He doesn't ask about it but he knows James saw the curiosity in his eyes.

"My father was working on similar research and had me read it to get more points of view" He shrugs and his face changes slightly to a more somber expression before it disappears again.

"What it was about?" The question slips out of him as if they do that everyday, talk without insults in between. It feels so natural it unsettles him "Your father's research, I mean."

"His department studied the origin of magical corruption and possible ways to control or reverse it" He explains quietly, his eyes move to the window behind him and back again, probably remembering "He analyzed runes and all kinds of magic that was manipulated and transformed into something darker, my mother hated it when he tested in the house but it was pretty interesting to watch"

"What kind of tests? Like trying to change the original design?" He wondered if it was something someone else tried, James nodded slightly.

"He was evaluating its interaction with the body's magical flow and trying to modify it to avoid contamination" He pointed to the book in his arms with his head " He worked a bit on the rune in that book after it started to fill the patients body with dark magic affecting their thinking" Regulus gave him a sour look "You still weren't up to that part, were you?" He smiled slightly, almost apologetically.

"Did they work it out?" James thought about it for a while, tilting his head in that characteristic way Regulus had begun to notice.

"No, the test subjects died before they could find an explanation and the ministry refused to continue it."

The next day James walked into his room after knocking and dropped a couple of files in front of him on his bed.

"It took a while to find them but they are the beginnings of his research" When Regulus asked him why, he only answered with "I know you're interested in the subject" As if Regulus hadn't spent the whole night obsessing over the story, as if James didn't knew.

The tension between Sirius and him softens, not like they've talked about it and everything will start to go back to normal, no, it softens in the way that both involved don't want to talk about it but can't stay away all the time. At least it helps that Effie stops giving them worried looks from the end of the table.

"No Prongs, more to the left" Her brother's voice came from the kitchen "Lift it up"

"I'm lifting it Sirius" James spoke as if he was carrying something very heavy "If you'd help a little then maybe we'd get it done quicker."

"I'm helping James, imagine you accommodate it and it's crooked or doesn't look right. I'm doing the heavy work" The other's snort came shortly after.

When he comes out and finds his brother and James moving what looks like a completely black and large square all over the living room he doesn't even avoid grabbing the bridge of his nose between his fingers, inhaling quietly.

"What do you think you're doing?" James jumps at his voice almost dropping the object, Sirius turns to look at him startled.

"You hadn't left with Effie and her friends?" Regulus looks at him incredulously.

"Why would I go with Effie's friends?" his brother shrugs '"What's that supposed to be anyway?" James dangles the strange object somewhere on the wall and his forehead glistens slightly in sweat, Regulus averts his gaze as a drop falling down his temple catches his attention heavily.

"It's a muggle television" He replies with excited eyes "It's like a magic painting that shows moving pictures but without magic" Sirius nods excitedly. Regulus thinks about how they look like dogs with a new toy.

"Where did you supposedly get..." He thinks about it for a second "Forget it, I don't want to know."

"It's supposed to work with..." James reads what looks like an instruction manual "Sirius, where are we supposed to get the electricity from?" they both stare at each other with the same grimace of someone who doesn't think twice about things.

Regulus doesn't know how two hours later he ends up between them watching the screen showing frightened muggles with an assassin chasing them with an axe. He also doesn't know how his brother has the ability to evaluate every moment and every dialogue and where he gets the strength to not tell him to shut up, he realizes he doesn't know a lot of things when at some point in the movie James approaches bumping his shoulders and the incomparable ardor he brings with him that in the back of his mind he missed becomes something incapable of ignoring that snatches Regulus' ability to think rationally and into something he desperately tries not to lean on.

----

James brings a cat into the house. It was a black cat with grey eyes that had somehow managed to sneak into the gardens, it was small, couldn't have been more than a few months old and as soon as James saw it, he knew it must be his, not only because it had features very similar to a certain person but also because it was cute. So James had brought him into the house, even on the night his mother discovered him and sighed loudly, he wouldn't let him go.Now Stormy (Short for Storm which he would stop using once he stopped having a baby face) moved around the house as if she owned the place, he had discovered she was a female too and she was a cute cat. Sirius refused to interact with the her because she meowed at him every time she took her place on the couch, his mother began to love her once the cat hair replies on her furniture lost their argument when she researched spells and James had a nameplate made for her. Regulus on the other hand, didn't want the cat, the first few days they both looked at each other from opposite sides in the room and Regulus looked like he could drive her out of the house himself, then Stormy started to love Regulus, really love him, she would follow him everywhere and meow for his attention and James sincerely understood her, but Regulus just looked at her irritated. They found themselves trying to get over it anyway.

"Potter, make your cat stop staring at me" He told him one day while he was reading under a tree in the garden and James had gone flying as an excuse to be close by.

"My cat loves you, Reg. Deal with that" He stopped barely flying a few inches above the ground, Regulus looked at him unimpressed and James smiled loving the feeling of his eyes on him.

"Then get her away from me" Stormy meowed lightly.

"She's not doing anything to you" He chuckled because the wrinkle on Regulus' nose as he looked down at the cat seemed the cutest thing to him.

"It makes me uncomfortable" James gave up flying anymore, he got down and walked over to take Stormy in his arms and sit down next to Regulus.

The cat settled into his arms and closed her eyes pretending to sleep.

"Pleased?" He turned his face to look at the other and repressed the urge to move closer as soon as their eyes reconnected.

"Better" Replied Regulus arrogant that he had accomplished his task and James found himself unable to look away.

"Did you know that cats express their love through their gaze?" He softened his voice lowering his tone slightly "I think Stormy has a crush on you" Regulus raised his eyebrows slightly and James knew the information didn't surprise him but he found it humorous.

"You'd be surprised how so insignificant your cat's feelings are to me" Despite the indifferent tone mimicked the volume of his voice, James allowed himself to move closer letting their shoulders collide together and was delighted when Regulus didn't pull away like he would have before.

"My cat has a name, Reg. Don't be mean" Their faces didn't seem close enough despite the few inches between them.

"Your cat has a very ridiculous name" He muttered with intent but James didn't really feel it.

"What is it about Stormy that you don't like?" he smiled because the whole situation seemed so silly to him and Regulus looked at him relaxed.

"It's childish" James let out a low chuckle.

"Her name is Storm, but she's still little" The corners of his lips twitched as if they wanted to smile and his gaze was full of amused disbelief.

"It's still ridiculous, James."

A few days later a drizzle was covering the house, drops so small James wouldn't have noticed if Sirius hadn't commented. His father's office was a mess because James was examining every case he had worked on and filing the most interesting ones, he had piles scattered all over the floor, some marked confidential work that James didn't care in the slightest that they were and he would read through them superficially and then sort them into different piles. It was an entertaining thing to do since he had fixed the record player buried at the back of the place and soft music was playing from somewhere in the office. James had his mind everywhere and nowhere as he hummed and turned pages barely looking at them actually, sad memories came and went as if he was filing away moments and the little patter of rain came from the window.

He had been playing a game of one-on-one quidditch with Sirius most of the afternoon and he bet the other was sleeping soundly, putting off writing the letter to Remus that he had said he would write. Her mother had gone out again because going out with her friends every week had become like a habit and the house had been so quiet he'd had to repair the record player, then he'd seen one drawer and then another and it had ended up on the floor at some point.He didn't hear Regulus come in until he saw him in front of him mimicking his stance on the floor and picking up the first stack in front of him.

"Not that one" Regulus looked up and James pointed to the one next to him "That's yours" Regulus raised an eyebrow at him as he took the mentioned pile.

"Why is this one mine?" he asked opening the first file.

"Cause those are the ones I catalogue for you" His gaze rose again but James was taking another and turning the pages carefully "They're the rare and rune related cases that I know you're interested in" He set the file down and sorted it into the curse pile and picked up another again quietly shaking his head to the beat of the music. Regulus' silence grew and James looked up at him meeting his gaze already set, his heart gave a jolt, they looked at each other for a few seconds that seemed like thousands and James felt countless things at the intense gaze that met him before Regulus rested his eyes on the record player behind.

"I didn't know those still existed" He nodded at it before looking down at his stack "My grandfather used to play it at Christmas dinner when we were kids and I remember hating every song and missing them when they realized it was a muggle artifact" A light chuckle was heard "The look on his face seemed so betrayed that Sirius laughed so hard when we left" He didn't look back at him but James felt warm all the same, Regulus wasn't forcing himself to share memories with him, he was telling because he wanted to.

"My father bought it once and spent hundreds of gallons on music. When it broke last summer he was devastated and promised to fix it later" James picked up another file feeling the same twinge of pain in his chest.

"Cissa saw it in the trash the next day and I think she still keeps it."

"He showed me how to fix it last Christmas."

And neither spoke anymore for the rest of the time, the music flowing and changing between the two of them and Regulus laughed derisively again as James sang one part of the song and the singer sang another. Effie sent them to sleep when she arrived a few hours later and the sky was already dark.

----

Regulus hated James' cat, she would get between his legs when he walked and also would meow at times outside his room to get him to open the door for her. She was annoying, even Sirius had made peace with her by buying her a toy mouse that moved around the house and she never tired of chasing it. The first few days had been fine, they ignored each other and Regulus had thought they had come to a mutual agreement, it wasn't until the cat started following him around and glaring at him with annoyed eyes that Regulus realized that wasn't the case. James loved her, taught her tricks and gave her fish-shaped cookies when she did them, bought her one of those things cats use for climbing and scratching and when he held her in his arms he watched her with unbearable tenderness.

The cat meowed scratching at the door from outside as Regulus was organizing the things he would be taking to Hogwarts for his fifth year, he had bought more things in the time he had been there because he had forgotten some other things at Grimmauld Place. It was kind of sad that her broom had stayed there but he had arranged with Barty to go and buy one in Hogsmeade as soon as they got back, then he would surely buy a better one.

The cat meowed louder and when Regulus opened the door to tell her to leave she slipped through a gap in his feet, he was so happy that James had decided not to take her to Hogwarts so she could stay with Effie. For the first time Regulus didn't feel a desperate desire to leave and for the first time he would actually miss things about the house, like the view he had towards the white orchids in the living room or in the lessons Effie was giving him regarding cooking that he found calmed his mind.

"Don't get on" He said to the cat when she made a pretense of wanting to get on his bed like she was on James', he closed the door and when he turned around again, the cat was already on top "I'm going to sell you one of these days and no one will miss you" The cat ignored him, it's not like he had expected a response anyway.

He would miss what his room was like now, in the way it wasn't a perfect square and the bed was too soft, in how the planks were wooden and therefore not cold in the morning, he would miss the window sill too, in how it had a cushioned shape and was wide enough to sit comfortably, in the views he had when the nightmares got him up before the sun came up and he could appreciate the sunrise better than anywhere else.

He tossed a pair of robes onto the bed and the cat meowed in annoyance.

"I don't like you as much either."

At the bottom of his now empty drawer he found the pack of cigars he had bought for owl, he took it in his hand and opened it pulling one out, the smell immediately filled his nostrils and reminded him of his mother. It was the reason he had bought them initially, to feel her fascination with smoking, to try to understand her and therefore try to understand himself.

He picked up the muggle lighter he had once found lying around the school and lit the cigarette in his fingers. He opened the window on the sill and sat down with one leg bent and the other stretched down, the first puff felt like fire entering his throat but as he had never been burned on that side he only coughed lightly, it took him one more try before he stopped coughing and for a moment he thought Walburga would have been proud of him just for it but dismissed it as he doubted his mother could feel pride towards any of her children. The smell did not cause him reassurance but neither did it cause him fear as he would have expected, just a distinct odor that brought back all sorts of memories.

The obnoxious cat meowed again and James opened the door to his room fixing his gaze on his pet before moving on to Regulus, he made no expression at the cigarette in his fingers but closed the door behind him after entering, running a hand over the cat's head before pointing at the object in his fingers.

"If my mother sees you smoking she's going to kill you" And he walked to the windowsill sitting on the opposite side of it, his legs identical to his own.

Regulus felt calm as he did whenever James treated him like he wasn't something that was about to break, unlike Sirius or Effie's careful glances. Somehow James was the only one who didn't see him disappointed when a more hostile tone escaped his brother one time or another, James didn't demand things from him, James didn't expect anything from him and by feeling like he didn't owe him anything, the more he felt like he wanted to give him things back.

"I wanted to see if it was as fascinating as Walburga made it seem" He speaks indifferently.

James steals the cigarette from between his fingers and Regulus doesn't know why but he lets him. He watches him take a puff, his eyes never leaving his, looking at him with that reflective, dark gaze he got after his father's death that Regulus can't help but feel warmth for, his lips exhale the smoke and he follows every movement without thinking.

"And it is?" James shakes the ash with a quick motion in his hand against the open window and the air blows the remains away.

Regulus takes the cigarette back, his fingers brushing together for a moment causing the clog in his breath and James' head tilting as it always does when something strikes him as curious or when he's thinking hard about something. Regulus thinks about his question, he looks out into the dark night, the stars above the sky and lets the smoke invade his lungs, he thinks about the slight burn it leaves and the taste that lingers on his tongue.

"No" He turns his gaze to James again, their knees collide as he stretches his leg against him and Regulus wants to cry because the sting of that action never diminishes and Regulus never desires it any less " I'm opining that the act is rather overrated."

"You didn't like it?" James pushes his leg harder against his and Regulus blinks slightly lost.

"I'm not fascinated" His voice comes out weak.

James leans over him, their faces incredibly close as he takes the cigarette and taking a puff, barely turning a little so he doesn't burn him. Her deep, slightly darker eyes pierce through him and he returns the cigarette between his fingers. Regulus half-opens his lips as James lets the smoke out against his face slowly and Regulus inhales sucking in as much as he can and lifting his chin slightly. He hears James' breathing and the small inhale harder he takes when Regulus gives him a crystalline look, sees his pupils dilate when Regulus blows the smoke back at him without bothering to turn his head towards the window, Regulus shivers when James' eyes get wet from this very one and for a moment Regulus wishes a tear escaped his eyes so he could wipe it away with his fingertips.

"It doesn't fascinate you" He repeats whispering as if there is a larger meaning in those words. Regulus just wants to pull him closer, wants the smoke to leave his lips again and this time, as he inhales, none of it escapes from him. Regulus almost whimpers at the thought and forces himself to stick his back as much as he can against the wall behind, as if the inch it grants him would cover him from the desire spreading down his spine like a virus. James smiles teasingly at him, as if he can see what he's thinking and would like to do something about it.

"Prongs?" His brother's voice rings out in the hallway. James moves away from him slowly and leans his back against the opposite wall unconcerned, Regulus doesn't grab him by the neck pulling him closer to his face like he wants to.

"Here" He raises his voice to be heard through the door and breaks any contact between him and James, his leg comes back away from his body and his gaze jumps to the door as soon as Sirius enters.

"What are you doing in the room of.... Why is my brother smoking?" Regulus had forgotten about the cigarette in his fingers and tosses the leftover out the window. Sirius' tone of voice is not angry but accusatory "You saw my brother smoking and you didn't stop him?"

James' look is expressionless "He can take his own decisions Pads" He stands up without looking Regulus back and puts a hand on Sirius' shoulder before leaving the room, the cat jumps off his bed and follows him.

"Taking Walburga's way, then" He says grumpily and Regulus feels a pang of anger.

"You don't know what you're saying" He averts his gaze to the window, watching Sirius is always complicated.

"No" He sighs and sits down where James had been moments before, but instead, he turns his back to the window and turns his face to look at him '"No, I'm sorry" His back slouches as if the conversation was tiring him "But it's just that I don't understand you at all"

"I know" Because he does but unlike James, talking to his brother is not easy, it is not easy to gift him with memories and thoughts as it is with the other "I'm trying to understand her, Walburga"

"Why would you try to..." He starts noisily but Regulus shoots him an unhappy look.

"Let me speak" Sirius doesn't seem to agree but agrees "I can't think that... she did all this for no reason" The words feel raspy against his throat "I can't think that everything that happened to me.... everything I went through, everything she did to me was for no purpose, Sirius" He inhales deeply and catches a whiff of cigarette still in the room.

"But it was, Reggie" His brother's voice is soft and Regulus feels even worse for it.

"I know" He looks down at the floor when Sirius' gaze is too sympathetic for his liking and his voice comes out slightly choked "But it's not fair."

"No, it's not" And his brother takes him in his arms but Regulus doesn't want to break anymore.

"When does it go away? The feeling of living a stolen life?" He asks because that's what it feels like to live in the Potter house "When does the hours of suffering and constant pain disappear?" His voice cracks and Sirius hugs him tighter.

"It doesn't Reggie, you live with it and it gradually lessens" He murmurs "It doesn't go away."

Regulus realizes he has to deal with it, he has to stop running from his memories and stop jumping at the screams and he has to face it. The very thought brings him down because he doesn't want to think that his parents have a part of him and he has a part of them, he feels that he can never fully escape from Grimmauld Place and now that he is forced to see it, it burns him like the fire did on his skin that night and this time Regulus has no way to pull away but Sirius squeezes him and he also realizes that he will not leave, that his brother will hold him through every moment of the pain until he gets used to it and it's that what gives him the courage to let go and let loose on him.

It is right there where Regulus feels the summer end. The next day passes in a whirlwind of trunks and tears on Effie's part, but it is just there that Regulus feels one less weight under his shoulders.