October 1977
But it's just that I fell in love with a war
And nobody told me it ended
And it left a pearl in my head
And I roll it around every night
Just to watch it glow
Every night, baby, that's where I go
Just to watch it glow
A Pearl by Mitski
Remus was beyond exhausted, he was regularly falling asleep in his classes, luckily Lily or Mary would give him a firm prod and he would usually perk right up. The nausea however was off putting, and a week before the full moon he found himself in Madam Pomfrey's office, not by choice though, it was Lily who had all but dragged him by the ear. Luckily James and Sirius had been so caught up in Quidditch practice, his lack of appetite, especially around breakfast had went unnoticed by the two. (Sirius wasn't on the team but he was honorary co-captain to James's delight). Peter had noticed, however he was always cautious about angering Remus. The poor boy had been on the wrong side of Remus's moods several times, and did everything he could to avoid it. He would furrow his brows slightly at breakfast, but Remus pretended he hadn't noticed.
Madam Pomfrey seemed curious about his appearance, Remus avoided the hospital wing best he could. "Mr. Lupin how can I help you?" the kind woman asked.
"It's nothing really, Lily is just freaking out over nothing," Remus said, a mix of annoyance and embarrassment coated in his voice.
"You haven't eaten a proper breakfast in weeks, and don't think I don't notice you swirling around the food on your plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you really have. And besides, you've been falling asleep in lecture which is so unlike you Remus," Lily said perplexed at how Remus was acting so casual about everything.
Madam Pomfrey's brows furrowed at Lily's explanation," Thank you Miss Evans, you're free to go."
Lily didn't argue, she knew Remus wouldn't have been comfortable with her company and she quietly returned to her day filled with classes.
Madam Pomfrey muttered an incantation, flicking her wand in Remus's direction before nodding to herself," You're pregnant," there was no judgement, no shame, she stated it so casually.
Those words shook Remus right to his very core, and he was desperately hoping he had heard her wrong. His stomach did a flip at the thought of it all. If Remus had heard Pomfrey right, nothing about this situation was casual," Pregnant? You mean up the duff?" he asked fear prevalent in his eyes.
Madam Pomfrey chuckled," If you would like to word it that way, yes Remus, you're up the duff."
"But how? I'm a guy that isn't possible," panick started swelling in his throat making it impossible to breathe.
"Magic is a funny thing Mr. Lupin. It's not impossible, but I won't lie this is quite rare."
"I know all about rare," Remus murmured.
"If you don't mind me asking, who is the father?" her eyes were kind and her voice was so soothing, the mother figure he needed right now so desperately.
Remus hesitated, unsure of whether to tell her the truth. She reached out and rubbed his shoulder reassuringly, and he was suddenly reminded of his first interaction, how kind she had been to the 13 year old scrawny twat he had been. How she showed him kindness despite everything and helped him even with his 5X Beast Classification. How gentle she had been when tending to his wounds, how she had went above and beyond even though no one had ever asked her to. The closest thing he would likely ever have to a mother, and despite his issues with people in authoritarian positions, he trusted her wholeheartedly. "Sirius," Remus whispered, he didn't know how to feel or even how he was supposed to feel in this situation, this was all too much.
"Ah, I knew you two were a thing," she said smiling, she neglected to mention the 5 galleons that Minevera now owed her.
Remus cheeks grew hot, and he drew his gaze away from her, deciding to instead make direct eye contact with a patch of blanket that had a lose bit of thread. "I don't know anything about any of this," Remus whispered he shrunk into himself, the fear of everything suddenly sinking into him," Is the baby going to be a werewolf?"
"No Remus, only if they end up getting bit, like you did," her eyes fell as she said this and the making of frown lines were just visible on her face" It's going to be okay love, you have time to learn and to prepare. You're only 7 weeks and there's plenty of people and resources out there, including this one," she handed him a pamphlet labeled '10 Reasons to Stop Smoking When You're Pregnant.'
"I don't-,"
"Remus I'm not blind and I have quite a keen sense of smell, the amount of times you've come in here reeking of cigarettes, like right now."
Remus bowed his head in embarrassment," Yea," he murmured, not mentioning how much he would kill for a cigarette right now.
"I'm going to give you a potion for the nausea and I'm certain you'll be able to plow through some books once you've processed everything."
Suddenly Remus was back in his bed, he couldn't remember walking there. All he could think of was sleep, the dorm was empty, presumably everyone was in their scheduled classes. He closed the certain around his bed, welcoming the warm embrace of sleep, somehow managing to silence his racing thoughts.
He awoke nauseous and starving, the grumbling in his stomach was almost too much to bear. He remembered the potions stuffed away in the bottom of his book bag and chugged it, the taste wasn't as bad as he was expecting, but there was a sort of bitterness. He was still quite nauseous, but it had alleviated slightly and he hoped he could manage to keep something down. The entire group was in the Great Hall, he was just in time as he sat beside Lily and across from Sirius. She shot him a questioning look, and he shook his head, he would deal with her later.
He didn't want to tell Sirius yet, he was worried that everything he had spent building the past 6 years would be for not. Being friends with a gay pregnant man would be too much, and he was certain Sirius would hate him. He wasn't expecting Sirius to stick around, but he would figure it out, Remus always did. Despite the thing inside of him being absolutely microscopic Remus felt terribly protective of it, he had already made up his mind he was keeping it no matter how hard this proved to be. No matter how unworthy and uncapable he felt of being his, this baby was his and he was going to protect it no matter what, even if it had been cursed for a monster as a father. He couldn't get rid of it or give it up for adoption, he knew himself, and he knew he wasn't capable of that. Remus knew first hand what growing up without parents was like, and his child would have at least one. He would be there for this baby no matter what, it wouldn't end up in a boy's home like him, and even if he didn't have much money the love and need to care for it would make up for that tenfold.
Even with this decision Remus was scared shitless, he had never really thought about children, especially at this age and quite frankly they made him quite nervous. He had only seen a handful of babies and they looked so delicate, not to mention the prospect of giving birth was beyond terrifying. He decided he would look at this pregnancy as he did any school assignment, with research. Of course he would end up saving all the research about actually giving birth for the later months, he didn't see a need in spooking himself about the matter now when he had plenty of time for that later.
It was hard to sit through dinner, he was able to eat more than he had in days, but the burden of the secret he was carrying was heavy. He knew he had promised Sirius no more secrets, but he couldn't tell him, not yet. He swore to himself that after Sirius's birthday, after one last big hoorah, he would sacrifice his community for the sake of his baby. Either way they were trying to come up with an epic prank, and Remus was more than willing to bask in the nostalgia, to be reminded of his early years in Hogwarts.
It had felt like they had come up with everything, and it felt as if some of their pranks were becoming quite repetitive. Remus was trying to come up with more muggle mean based pranks, it would be perfect, especially for the pure blooded students, give the half bloods and muggle borns a good laugh. "You're overthinking it," Remus stated plainly after Sirius had mentioned magically coloring the entire castle in Gryffindor red.
"Well I don't see you coming up with anything Moony," Sirius said a bit too sassily for Remus's liking, but he ignored it, deciding to focus his attention on the wave of nausea that was suddenly overwhelming him.
Sirius and James then when off on their own private tangent, playing up the colored castle idea, and making it more wild with each pass. They were clearly turning it into a joke, something the two boys did when they were struggling with a cohesive idea. Remus was formulating a plan, but he needed some time, and a cigarette. He didn't know how, but he knew that a cigarette would cure his nausea. "I'm going for a smoke," he stated as he left the table.
Sirius and James both stopped with their joking long enough to go "See ya Moony," before belly over laughing at their ridiculous made up antics.
"Wait Moony, I have some questions about the notes we took in Potions today," Lily said rushing up to him.
Marlene and Mary flashed her a questionable glance, but she ignored it, linking her and Remus's elbows as they walked to the common room.
They said nothing as they walked, the silence wasn't uncomfortable, but Remus would be lying if he said he wasn't nervous to actually tell someone about the thing growing inside of him, it bubbled inside of him causing his heart rate to quicken. Remus grabbed a fag off on his nightstand before opening up the window to blow to smoke out of it, James would still be upset, but at least he was making some sort of attempt to minimize the smell.
Lily's eyes were glaring into him as he took his time taking a long draw, exhaling slowly. The nausea immediately became much less overwhelming. He took a deep breath, his hands shaking slightly. Lily gripped his shoulder reassuringly," What's wrong Remus."
Remus hadn't cried, he hadn't given himself the opportunity to really process. Tears started pricking the corners of his eyes, he made no effort to wipe it away. He wasn't going to beg Lily to do anything, he would just request it and hopefully, hopefully, she would agree. "Before I start, I'm going to tell everyone, I just want to wait till after Sirius's birthday."
Lily tilted her head in confusion, her eyes thick with worry. He took another drag of his cigarette, a tear rolled slowly down his cheek and his lips quivered as he exhaled the thick smoke. "I'm pregnant, with Sirius's baby."
Lily gasped, putting a hand over her mouth and pulling him close," Oh Remus."
"Yea," he whispered as he sobbed into the smaller girl's shoulder.
She wrapped her arms around his neck as he crutched over awkwardly. "It's going to be okay Remus I promise. James will be so happy and-"
"But what if it's not, what if Sirius leaves me and I have to raise this baby alone. This baby has a monster for a father and-"
"That won't happen Remus, and you know it. Your condition will not matter to your child." Lily said looking at him seriously.
"What if I turn them or-" Remus said his eyes wide as he ruffled his hair.
"Remus you have people who love and care about you, that baby will be safe and beyond spoiled. I know you can't see this right now but it's a gift, a happy surprise even," she said softly her green eyes studying him as she rubbed his lower back softly.
"Just please give me time," his voice came out broken and he sounded so small despite his tall and lanky build.
"I won't tell anyone Remus," she said giving him a small smile.
"Not even James?" Remus questioned.
"Not even James, I promise. This is your news to share, just know I am here for you no matter what."
"Until the evidence is obvious under my robes," Remus murmured.
"That's not true and you know it," Lily said threateningly.
"I know I just-" he sighed running his hands through his brown hair.
"This is a lot Remus, I won't lie, but we all have your back, and we still will once you break the news."
"After Sirius's birthday, I promise. It's in less than two weeks, I just need time, just in case," he felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders, the burden now being carried between the two of them.
Lily nodded," Well you need to stop smoking those death sticks, they're terrible for you and the baby," she said grabbing the small white cylinder and putting it out.
Remus huffed at her but didn't put up much of a fight. Once Lily Evans had something in mind, that was that," That's what Pomfrey said," he then pulled out the pamphlet she had given him an annoyed expression clear on his face.
Suddenly James, Peter, and Sirius busted in. Remus quickly shoved the pamphlet in his pocket. He needed to redirect. "I have a prank idea," he said casually, before pulling out and lighting another cigarette and plopping himself on his bed.
Sirius snatched it straight from his fingers, before putting his arm around his waist. Remus rolled his eyes at the pretentious behavior, but secretly he found it enduring. Lily gave him a glare, but he still continued to pull another one out of his beat up metal container, lighting it and then wrapping his arms around Sirius. "So what if we did a prank that was more muggle means based," he said simply as he took a small drag.
Everyone nodded, especially Lily, who had a wild grin starting to grow on her face," Go on," she ushered.
"Saran wrap the toilets, obviously we use magic to make it quicker and for a larger scale scene."
"Saran wrap?" James asked confused.
"It's like this clear stretchy plastic," Lily explained.
The 3 pure bloods slowly nodded, still a bit confused. "That's not all of course, we could cover all the desks in bubble wrap."
Lily started laughing," I love it, this is so harmless but the confusion would be hilarious."
James was suddenly in seeing Lily's enthusiasm," I like this Moony! We could also make the paintings sing muggle songs, that always rials people up."
Sirius's face lightened up at that," Okay guys, now we're rolling."
"What about instead of the desks, we cover the dining hall in bubble wrap," Peter chimed in.
"Bloody hell Wormtail yes!" James said patting him firmly on the back, Peter grinned ear to ear.
"We would have to sneak off to a muggle town to buy supplies, but seeing as we have both head boy and head girl that won't be too hard," Remus said grinning at the excitability that was bouncing off the walls of the room as they busted into full prank mode.
They continued to conspire for the rest of the night, but they moved it down into the common room, no one suspected a thing despite the pamphlet that was crinkled in his pocket.
.....
He tried to avoid all of the marauders, but Remus found himself avoiding Sirius the most, not being able to keep his gaze, the secret burning a hole in his throat. He kept himself locked up in the library or lied about have tutoring sessions. He felt terrible every night when he crawled into Sirius's bed, long after the other boy had been asleep. His secret was hidden right under the shared duvet. He found himself avoiding intimacy, the guilt of it all being too much, but he still waited. "After Sirius's birthday," he would whisper to himself when he dropped his gaze away from Sirius in the Great Hall or avoided talking to him in the hallway. He was grumpy and irritable and hiding this secret made all of his symptoms feel exponentially worse.
.....
He couldn't sleep, the full moon was tomorrow, he was wound up despite being so exhausted. He grumpily went downstairs, apologizing to Sirius who had murmured incoherent nonsense. Their relationship was tense, and everyone knew it but refused to say anything, they always worked it out, this time would be no different. He grabbed the book he had been hiding in the common room behind a loose brick on the fire place, the book cover was transfigured to look like a book on Arithmetic, but the inside contained details of pregnancy, mainly female but there was bits and pieces about male pregnancies. The material was a lot less interesting when he was reading the treat he was in for, but it calmed him down greatly to know what to expect. He brewed himself a cup of tea, enjoying the quiet time of the common room, the only thing that would have made it better was Sirius, but at least one of them was getting quality sleep.
By the time the sun came up and James made his way down for an early round on the quidditch pitch, Remus felt terrible. He quietly walked upstairs to take a nausea potion before crawling into bed with Sirius, even if he couldn't sleep, he desperately needed a lie down. Sirius quickly curled himself into Remus, as he played with the boys perfect raven hair.
Remus did eventually fall asleep, but he woke up with a pounding headache and his nausea was back full force. He reasoned it had to be the full moon, two changes clashing with each other leading to what could only be described as the worst hangover in Remus's entire life, despite not having a sip of alcohol. "Breakfast Moony?" Sirius asked him as he watched his eyes flutter open.
"I'm not feeling too great, must be the moon," he grumbled," I think I'm going to stay up here for the day."
Sirius looked at him concerned, but decided not to push it, Remus was typically explosive around full moons and he wasn't wanting to be on that side of things, especially with everything. He didn't understand why Moony had pushed away so suddenly, they were fine and then they weren't, but he couldn't push it. Remus only opened up when he was ready, and it was obvious he wasn't, and despite everything Sirius decided to be gentle. On top of that the daily nausea, and Remus being more short tempered then normal, something was up, but Sirius was willing to wait it out. "I'll brink you up some food when I get a chance, alright?"
"You're the best Padfoot," Remus said as he covered his head with the duvet, wanting to be enveloped in darkness.
Sirius had decided to bunk off for the day, and spent the day cuddled up in bed with Remus. For once allowing the taller boy to be the little spoon. His company made the day just so much better, and when Sirius placed a hand on Remus's flat stomach a twinkle of butterflies went shooting through him. He thought about telling Sirius right then, but the anxiety of it all was too much, and he was scared. They didn't talk about the random space Remus had created, they just enjoyed each other's company, and for that Remus was so grateful. He was unsure of what he did in a previous life to deserve the ethereal beauty that was Sirius Black, and he hated himself for always trying to push him away," If he stays, I'm going to do better," he promised himself as Sirius gently traced his scars sending tingles through Remus's skin.
Remus usually hated turning into the wolf, but tonight he was more than excited. Just a few hours of turning off his brain and playing in the Forbidden Forest with Padfoot, what could be better. His nausea had subsided, replaced with an insatiable hunger, as he put plate after plate away to everyone's amazement. "I don't understand how you stay so skinny," Mary said, sighing" My metabolism is shit."
Remus ignored the stares, deciding to revel in the fact he didn't feel like throwing up, and it was shepherd's pie, oh how he loved shepherd's pie. He didn't even need his evening fag, he felt great, energized even. Sleeping the day away had paid off and now the wolf would get to play, and the baby was getting some desperately needed nutrients, a win is a win.
No one was late tonight, the number of detentions had dwindled, the stress of NEWTs, quidditch, and prefect duties dwindling the number of pranks. James immaturity had melted off of his like baby fat, and he was this new responsible individual that Remus was glad to be friends with. Of course, the big prank was still in the works, Remus had restarted up his study group and had invited a few muggleborn first years to help, someone had to teach the younger generation how to pull a proper prank, he had reasoned with the other marauders.
It was the same old routine, they all sat around waiting for Remus to turn as he sat wrapped in a blanket. Tonight the other three where discussing the upcoming match against Slytherin, James was dead set on winning, and Peter was talking passionately about strategies. Remus found it quite boring, however he enjoyed the normalcy of it all and he wouldn't have the conversation topic be anything else. He was scared this would be his last full moon with company, and he would have to go back to the monster inside mutilating himself in frustration again. He would worry about that when the time came.
The familiar sharpness in his back came along with the stiffness in his joints, he groaned in pain as he hunched over, the werewolf taking over. His friends quickly switched to their respected animagi and he transformed into a beast, his man form gone for the night.
He awoke shivering, his entire body ached. The memories as a wolf were quickly fleeting, all he could remember was chasing Padfoot and rabbits, he could still taste some of the remaining blood in his mouth, not that he minded, it was pleasant. The wolf always enjoyed the gamey feel of the small prey. When he finally opened his eyes Sirius was attempting to dress him. "We had a good night aye?" he asked when he noticed Remus was waking up.
Remus smiled slightly and nodded, still weak from everything. Sirius then left, leaving Remus will a small kiss on his lips and a grin.
He slept the morning away, when he awoke Madam Pomfrey had sent him off back to his own dorm, nothing about the baby was mentioned, and for that Remus was grateful. Sirius cut the rest of his classes, deciding a better use for his time would be sleeping directly on top of Remus, the side of his face resting on his chest. Once again Remus got those butterflies in his stomach, he hoped Sirius was an honest man, and that they could be a proper family, but he was too nervous to test the waters. He welcomed sleep, he would worry about his future later, always pushing things off for later.
This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
-Secrets by one Republic