Snitches…
Harry wanted to love Christmas, he did. Harry loved Christmas at Hogwarts, every single year. Every inch of the castle was decorated, the snow covered the grounds. There were trees everywhere, the very air felt merry.
It was a very different atmosphere in Chicago.
Harry's house would have been empty of decorations if it weren't for Dudley. Harry had already been glum when it got closer and closer and Remus never returned, then Hermione's parents found a house near downtown Chicago, a neighborhood Lip called ‘the rich area'.
Mandy was staying with Hermione so Harry could ‘finish the remodeling', which sucked. Harry couldn't do much of anything when Hermione wasn't there to speed everything up with magic. Dudley liked working on the basement, he thought it was fun. Harry was supposed to be painting bedrooms - his, Dudley's, the baby's, and Remus's.
Except Harry didn't want to paint his room, he had painted enough of Dudley's rooms as a kid to not be keen on painting his either. He had no idea if Remus would ever come back, and he didn't know what color to paint the baby's room yet.
So Harry had eight gallons of paint and a sad looking Christmas tree in his living room on Christmas afternoon.
Dudley lounged on the couch beside Harry, his feet propped up on the coffee table and a cozy blue quilt wrapped around him. Harry was trying to watch the Christmas movie Dudley picked out, a gory horror movie, but he was getting antsy.
"Maybe I should call Mandy, check on her…" Harry said, toying with his phone in his hands. He had a text from Mandy, a photo of her and Hermione wearing bows on their heads in a nice looking restaurant. It said ‘Merry Christmas, your child wants tomatoes'.
Harry missed her, he missed both of his best friends who were off being best friends together. Harry missed Remus and he missed Sirius and he missed when people didn't leave him every chance they got.
Which… had been never, probably.
"Or instead…" Dudley snatched Harry's phone and tossed it to the recliner with a playful grin. "We could go to Kevin and V's? He invited us, said we should come for dinner. I think he got you a gift, bit in love with you he is."
Yeah, because what Harry wanted to do was watch Dudley and Ethel smile and flirt with each other. That was sure to fix his crummy mood. Harry already had to see Ethel and her son Jonah bringing Dudley the quilt he was using. Ethel made it for him; Ethel liked Dudley so much she made him a quilt.
She also made Harry a hat and gloves though, but Harry's weren't delivered with a chaste kiss to his cheek. It was sweet, Harry was happy for Dudley - Dudley turned out to be a good guy, a good cousin. Harry wanted Dudley to be happy, he just didn't feel like watching it that day.
Although… there would probably be something to drink at Kevin's…
"You go," Harry said, shaking off his own idea. He didn't even want to drink, that was how crummy his mood was. The only thing cheering him up was watching an evil version of Santa killing naughty kids on the telly.
And that was probably sick.
Dudley sighed and crammed a handful of popcorn in his mouth.
"Nah," he said, muffled from the food he was trying to chew while talking. "You'll just hang yourself in the closet."
Harry snorted and pointed at the orange prescription bottle on the bookcase, the one his doctor filled for him and Harry took because Hermione threatened bodily harm if he didn't.
"I'm not that depressed," Harry said. And he wasn't - it would be the last bad Christmas of his life. Next year he'd have his son or daughter with him, they would be there and Harry would make it as magical of a holiday for them as Hogwarts made for Harry.
"And if I was going to hang myself, you really think it would be in a closet?" Harry scoffed. He stole some popcorn and threw a piece at Dudley's head. "You're all the time trying to stuff me back in a cupboard."
Dudley chuckled and they settled in together to finish the film. Harry was hungry, but Lip had mentioned something about ordering Chinese food for dinner and it sounded like Harry and Dudley were invited. Harry might even be able to convince Lip to bring Chinese food and his siblings to Harry's house so it didn't feel so cold and empty…
Until Krampus snatched a kid out of their bed, leaving blood behind, and then suddenly Harry screamed because his house wasn't empty anymore.
Between the couch where Harry and Dudley were relaxing and the telly where Krampus was slaughtering a bastard little kid was an explosion of red sparks that nearly caught the sad crooked Christmas tree on fire. Harry scrambled for the tree, Dudley snatched their handy ‘burglar bat' out from under the sofa and —
"Dudley?!"
"Harry?!"
"Fred?!"
Harry's jaw dropped when he saw that the red sparks ended in himself and Fred Weasley standing in his living room. Fred was… he was…
Did he replace Harry with someone who looked just like Harry?! It wasn't a perfect replica, that bloke had a terrible scar, he was dressed all posh and rich. But it was close enough to be bloody offensive!
"Your tree's on fire," the imposter drawled, pointing at Harry's tree. Harry turned around and planned on extinguishing it with his foot or something, but water magically poured from mid-air and Harry felt as if it were transferred to his chest.
Who did Fred think he was?!
"Who do you think you are, mate?" Dudley roared, clenching the bat hard as he stepped toward Fred. "You show up on Christmas with some twin replacement for my cousin? You're sick!"
"Touch him and die, again," the imposter snapped, glaring daggers at Dudley. There was real heat in his eyes, anger and something Harry didn't immediately catch, regret, maybe?
Wow, he looked so much like Harry. Dudley was Harry's blood cousin, but that bloke looked just like Harry. They could have been twins, really.
"Again?" Dudley didn't step back, bloody brave he was, but he glanced at Harry uneasily. "Did I die and you didn't tell me?"
"Not that I remember," Harry shrugged. He was a little stoned, not that much. Dudley looked alive to him, Harry didn't think he'd ever died before.
"This is fun!" Fred said, grinning widely as he took in the house. "So you live here? In a… muggle house?"
Maybe Fred was stoned.
"Yeah… which you know… because you were here like, what? Two months ago?" Harry said. He squinted at Fred, thought something was sort of off… he looked… different? A bit older? Older than he should be?
"Weren't you?" Harry asked, suddenly unsure. Harry thought it a few times, not too often - it wasn't worth thinking about too often, but Harry wished he had his wand.
Because that wasn't quite Fred Weasley… just as the bloke beside him was quite Harry… which made them strangers, magical strangers.
Harry was relieved suddenly that Mandy wasn't home. If anything happened to her… Harry would never forgive himself.
"Not I," Fred said. He waved his free hand out in a flourishing bow. "Fred Potter, not of your world."
Fred… Potter.
"You're…" Harry snickered, then he tried to clamp down on the snickers and that made him cough. Dudley patted Harry's back while he snickered and it seemed absolutely insane.
"You're married?" Harry asked. He waved a hand at the imposter. "To fake me?"
Fred was always outlandish and loud and made big gestures, but he really might have taken it a bit too far.
"I am not fake you," the imposter said. His face reminded Harry of Malfoy the way it twisted up in a sneer. "You are a version of me." The imposter looked around the room in blatant disgust, though he didn't look at Dudley at all. "A much lesser version," he added.
"Lesser? Screw you, mate," Dudley snapped. Harry liked that Dudley wasn't thrown at all by the imposter's story - Harry really had no idea if it was true or not.
"Harry's a bad arse," Dudley bragged, puffing his chest out. He kind of looked like Uncle Vernon when he did that, but Harry would never tell him so. "You wish you were as brilliant as Harry."
In return for Dudley's brags, Harry would definitely never tell him he looked like his father.
"Yeah?" Fred grinned from ear to ear and pulled imposter-Harry closer to his side. "My Harry is the modern Merlin."
"Wow." Dudley made a sarcastically impressed face at Fred. "The modern Merlin? Soo brilliant, Fred, really. Harry has an A in algebra."
That… wasn't as impressive at all. Especially since Harry cheated off Ian almost every time he had to turn in homework or make a study card for a test. If someone asked Harry to do algebra problems on the spot, he'd fail.
Modern Merlin was much cooler.
"The fuck is algebra?" Imposter-Harry scowled. "Is that some muggle thing? You do understand that an A is not an O, right?"
"Yeah, it's the muggle version of an O," Harry snapped back. "I'd think the Modern Merlin would know that."
"Why would I give a rats arse about muggle education when I'm the next Minister of Magic?" Imposter-Harry demanded. "What do you use algebra for?"
"Math, stupid," Dudley said, loyal to a literal fault. "Also who cares about being Minister of Magic? Harry's going to make a fortune selling stolen cars."
Maybe. Though Harry did tell Hermione that it was a joke, he didn't want her to go on another ‘be responsible, you have a child coming' tirade. Those were exhausting and Lip said that it was scam or be scammed in their neighborhood, Harry was only fitting in.
"Really?" Imposter-Harry seemed suddenly… well, not impressed, but certainly interested. There was a spark in his eyes, eyes identical to Harry's, when he looked Harry over again. "Are cars the only thing you steal?"
Harry shared a quick and bewildered look with Dudley before deciding that Fred was absolutely screwing with him as some idea of a Christmas prank.
"I can steal loads of things," Harry said, slowly sitting back down. If he didn't act worked up over Fred's antics, maybe they'd end sooner. "My mates and I robbed the copper from a house."
"I've got no fuckin' idea what that means." The imposter backed up a few steps and leaned against the wall, getting comfortable. Fred went with him and glued himself to his side, looking as sappy and in love as he did when they had been together.
"I robbed the military," the imposter bragged. "I stole grenades and weapons you can't even imagine."
Ooh… Harry thought about what that could be like… nobody would ever mess with him again, not if Harry had grenades. And didn't the American Military have even more weapons than others, supposedly? Wasn't that what they said in History?
"No." Dudley kicked Harry's foot, yanking him from the brief daydream he'd been captured in. Dudley shook his head when Harry glanced at him. "Grenades and babies, Little H. They don't mix well."
Ah. Yeah, there was that.
"Babies?" Fred raised an eyebrow. "You've got a baby?"
That more than anything settled the matter for Harry. Whoever Fred and the imposter were, that was not the Fred Weasley that Harry knew. Maybe he was a prank, maybe not, but no way that Fred was that casual about Harry's baby that he already knew about.
"They'll be here this summer." Harry pulled out the photo he'd been carrying around since he and Mandy got it to show them. "See? That's their head, body, their little arms."
They were tiny and perfect, the one good thing in Harry's craptastic life.
"You're having a baby?" The imposter wandlessly and silently summoned the sonogram photo from Fred and he gaped at it. "Who'd you shag?" he asked, more accusingly than Fred had asked.
"Er… Mandy," Harry said, shrugging. Everyone knew that, everyone from Harry's neighborhood, Harry's life. It was never a secret.
"Who the fuck is Mandy?"
"The girl that's pregnant with Harry's baby," Dudley said, sounding a second away from adding a ‘duh'.
"That's… kind of brill," the imposter said. Harry's sonogram was sent back to him a second later, after the imposter looked one more time, without more wandless magic.
"Is it?" Fred turned to the imposter and Harry saw his smile stretch across his face. "So… babies?"
"Not us." The imposter grimaced and Harry watched his fingers twitch at his side. It was the same twitch that Harry had when he wanted a cigarette, which he wanted even more while participating in an insane conversation.
And who was there to stop Harry from hopping back up to snag his cigarettes off the kitchen table and lighting one on his way back in the living room? Not Remus, not Hermione. Mandy wasn't even there as a deterrent against Harry smoking in the house.
Imposter-Harry (Harry Two? He looked older, maybe he was Harry One?) eyed Harry's cigarette hard enough that Harry flipped the pack to him along with his lighter.
"Show off," Harry muttered when Imposter-Harry lit up without a lighter.
"Magically superior, thanks," Imposter-Harry snarked. He was snarky in general, Harry kind of liked him. "Did I see a tattoo on your wrist?" he asked Harry, pointing his cigarette to Harry's left arm. "Surely you didn't tattoo your fuckin' forearm."
Harry couldn't help the flinch at the mockery in Imposter-Harry's tone. No, technically Harry didn't tattoo his forearm. It had been branded and then tattooed over the top of it.
"Come on," Imposter-Harry wheedled. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
Not of Harry's world… could they really be from some other world? Some life that could have been Harry's if he had married Fred?
"Fine." Harry held his cigarette between his lips so he could yank up his shirt sleeve. The tattoo wasn't so bad to look at, not since Lip added on to it. It was beautiful in its own way, Harry very nearly liked it.
Imposter-Harry did not like the tattoo.
"You're fuckin' kidding me!" he howled, scowling at Harry fiercely. "You got the Dark Mark?"
"Not bloody voluntarily," Harry snapped right back.
"It's not like he said ‘oh, please, Mister Voldemort, may I be kidnapped and tortured?'" Dudley jumped in, glowering as darkly as the imposter was. "Piss off, mate. You've got no idea what he went through."
"You let yourself get kidnapped?" The imposter scoffed and Harry felt his blood boiling inside of him. "Weak, isn't it? I bet old Timmy laughed in your face when he branded you."
Harry could take a lot of shit, he could. Harry had taken shit and taken shit and taken shit. But for that - that fake him to stand in his living room and mock Harry on his failures? On his biggest regret?
No, Harry didn't have to take that.
Harry inhaled deeply on his cigarette and had what seemed like a moment of complete clarity between himself and Dudley. When Harry put his cigarette out in the ashtray on the side table, Dudley casually moved around the other way to block the imposter's exit.
And then Harry slipped the brass knuckles Mickey once gave him over his knuckles and punched Imposter-Harry in the face with all of his might.
There was a really satisfying moment where Harry heard the crunch of bone and saw the blood that started pouring from the imposter's nose. Then Harry found out that the imposter apparently came from a world where he used his fists as often as his magic and full brawl broke out.
Dudley lunged to grab Fred to keep him from joining the fight and Harry would have to ask later how long Dudley had been wanting to slug Fred in the stomach because it sounded painful. Harry had his hands full though because Imposter-Harry didn't have any problem at all with grabbing Harry by the neck and using that hold to get his own hit in.
Harry could take a hit though, Harry took hits all the time. The problem that the imposter didn't seem to expect was that Harry was sick being hit and he had no reason to not take out what felt like a year's worth of anger out on the imposter.
Let himself be kidnapped? Weak? Harry was a lot of things, but he wasn't fucking weak.
"Stupid, arrogant, dick," Harry snarled, knocking the imposter into the bookcase and sending them both to the floor. Harry struck him with every word he spat, as hard and fast as he could. "Who fucking asked you?"
Not Harry. Harry certainly didn't invite him to crash Christmas and insult him. If Harry wanted to be insulted, he'd listen to his own thoughts, thanks.
"You hit like a first year." The imposter spit at Harry, with was fucking sick because Harry's health class had just done a unit on all the diseases that could be passed through spit and the last thing Harry needed was an STD.
Just for his comment, Harry hit him in the throat, knocking the air from his body and then moving away from retaliation. If he wanted to keep fighting, whatever, but Harry could fight all night if he had to.
Imposter-Harry didn't seem very inclined to continue the fight. He sat up and rubbed his throat, smearing the blood that was probably as much Harry's as it was his. It only took him a moment to realize that Dudley had Fred caught in a fierce headlock though and then Harry realized that their fight had been nothing.
All the imposter had to do was curl his upper lip and hiss under his breath before Dudley hit the floor on his knees, every muscle straining as he screamed.
It was the cruciatus, Harry had seen and felt it enough to know. Harry started yelling, grabbing for Dudley and trying to do something to help him, and within a few seconds it ended.
"I told you to not touch my husband," the imposter said, waving his hand over his face lazily and healing the injuries that Harry left. "Fred, surely it's almost time to go."
Fred was breathing heavily as he pointed toward the imposter's shoes, pointing out the red sparks that covered him that Harry just noticed.
"Alright there?" Harry murmured to Dudley when he offered him a hand to help pull him to his feet. Dudley's eyes were bloodshot, his nose had a small trickle of blood coming out of it, but nothing permanent.
His fingertips would tingle for a few hours, Harry knew that. If it lasted longer, the tingling could last for days. It took almost a week for Harry's leg to stop twitching after he'd been rescued from the basement he'd been captive in.
"Fine," Dudley panted. "Are all wizards such dicks?"
"Mostly my wizard," Fred bragged, winking at them both from his place beside the imposter again. "It sure was lovely to meet you chaps. I can't say I'm unhappy that neither of you exist in our world, I'm sure we'd have the best lunches."
"And I can't say that I'm unhappy you're leaving," Harry scoffed. "Maybe you'll be like Lupin and stay gone."
Forever. Gone forever. Remus was never going to return and Harry needed to accept it.
"Oh, I dunno." The imposter was sizing Harry up again, even though there were sparks nearly past his waist, traveling upward and hopefully taking him very far from Harry's life. "You weren't so bad. Good luck with the baby, try to not let their mother die in birth. It's traumatic as fuck, isn't it?"
Harry blanched at that horribly fucking morbid statement and then rebounded quickly enough to smile fakely at the imposter Harry who really was a complete dick.
"Thanks. Good luck with being Minister of Magic, try to not turn out like Voldemort, will you?"
It was meant to be a jab about the imposter using an Unforgiveble so easily, it was not meant to be a compliment.
"Timmy wasn't so bad as Minister," the imposter said. Harry could barely hear him through the sizzling sparks that were covering his face. "He had some good ideas."
Harry's jaw dropped and that was the last thing that the imposter said before the red sparks overcame him and he and Fred both disappeared with a final sizzling sound.
Did he really just…?
"Harry…" Dudley was blinking at the place where the two had been, the blood from his nose was dripping off his chin as proof that it hadn't been all Harry's imagination. "I am so glad that guy isn't my cousin."
"Yeah," Harry agreed faintly, bemused by the entire thing. "Especially because I think he might have killed you in his world, Big D."
"You know what?" Dudley turned to Harry very seriously, his green eyes wide with the realization. "I reckon you're right, Little H."
Harry snorted, then Dudley chuckled. Harry started to laugh, then groaned from a gut-punch that was going to ache for days. That only made Dudley laugh harder though. Within a minute of the insane imposters being gone, Harry and Dudley were clutching on to each other for support while they laughed their arses off about the whole thing.
"Jesus." Harry wiped a tear of laughter from his face when he finally had control of himself and he slapped Dudley on the back, grinning broadly when it made Dudley grunt in pain. "C'mon, Diddiekins, let's go to Kev and Veronica's. If we're lucky, Kevin got me booze for Christmas."
And even if he didn't, Harry would text Lip when he got there and have him bring Chinese food, his siblings, and something to drink.
Just because some of Harry's favorite people weren't there for Christmas didn't mean Harry didn't have plenty of other people to spend the day with.
As long as it was never ‘Fred Potter' and Imposter-Harry again then it would be fine.