Disclosure
Of course the first person he talked it over with was Haldir. The archer stood still for a long time, simply considering what was said. “Based on what is known, it sounds like you are saying we need to find the Silmaril that is under the earth.” Relief spilled through Gilriant and he instantly moved to engulf the marchwarden in a hug. Haldir wrapped his arms around the younger elf. “Yes. I’m sorry for not talking to you about it before accepting the task.” Which would imply the Valar had given him a choice. It was more the topic came up and they all agreed he would be the best one for it. Pulling back enough so that the young elf could see his face Haldir gave him a look.
“You love your family, all of it. I realized very early on that being with you meant that someday we would be looking for a way to break the Oath. Which meant looking for the Silmarils.” He cocked his head to the side. “The freeing Earendil is new. However it is not surprising considering you have a what you call, a saving people thing. I am hardly going to let you do it without me. Didn’t Lord Namo say I was the one with common sense?” Gilriant let his forehead rest against Haldir’s. “You are.” A soft laugh escaped him. “Likely the only reason many are not making more of a protest about my choices and travels. I have you.”
After a beat he added, “So that means you are coming with me to talk with Atya and my brother, yes?” “Why would I want to miss that?” Which was true, Haldir seemed to enjoy watching drama unfold. Either that or he would be using it for some of the betting pools. “If Legolas is going to go with us I will need to talk to him and Thranduil about it.” The marchwarden pulled back a little. “Are you sure that is wise? The king is likely to try to forbid it.” Gilriant just gave him a little smile. “He can try, but I am not asking him for permission. Nor will I hide what I am doing from Legolas or his father. I refuse to.”
Long ago Haldir had picked up on the clues that whatever other task Gilriant had accepted first, involved Thranduil and Legolas. Yet he was not allowed to speak with them about it. So it was not terribly surprising that he would refuse to hide more from them. “You know you have my support. Is there anyone else that we need to involve?” The young elf hummed thoughtfully. “Need? No, though Cirdan may end up knowing at least a little because I will likely need to speak with Ulmo.” Which presented another issue.
“I need to gain more skill with my Sight, which suggests we should go to Lothlorien after our time here. But I also want to spend time in Mithlond.” Haldir tilted his head as he thought it over. “My thoughts are that if you have a greater ability to control your Sight, it will help with your tasks. Hedwig likes Cirdan too so is likely to be happy to take us to see him for short visits.” Gilriant’s expression sobered, “Which I am likely to need. Dealing with my Sight is rarely easy. I see most warnings or what is out of balance, and that is rarely pleasant.” Neither led to restful sleep or peaceful days. Those were the days he disappeared to go flying, Hedwig keeping him company. Or down to the forges to let the physical activity help drive the thoughts from his head.
“We will get through it, as we get through everything, together.” He was so lucky to have Haldir in his life.
*
They put the book back, sliding it into place on the shelf before selecting another to bring back to the table. Research was important. The more information they could gather in theory meant the fewer questions they would need to ask. Considering the topic often evoked strong emotions, this would be more ideal. Though the library here only had a few books that they had not already read. Still every detail helped as they managed to find a few things to add to their notes. “You have been spending a great deal of time here lately.” The smooth voice of Thranduil caused them to look up from their notes. “That I have.”
Being Faircoivar often had a steadying influence on their emotions. Of course they still did feel them. Just less extreme spikes of them and somehow it was easier to be patient. There was a measure of stillness within that had no need to fill spaces with sound or action. As they became comfortable with it, it also made it easier to resist answering unspoken questions. Like the one that the older elf just lobbed in their direction. If the King wanted to know, he would have to ask more directly. “Has our library been adequate for your needs?”
“Surprisingly, considering Erestor’s proclivity for collecting books, you do have accounts here that we do not have in Imladris.” Of course the converse was true, there were books Imladris had in their library that were not present here. The focus on the moment though to appeal to Thranduil’s pride. “Of course we do. We have an extensive collection here.” A small smile curled on the King’s face. “I was always taught to read every account that I could. The best way to form an accurate picture is from many viewpoints. Not just one. So this is very helpful.”
“Is there a particular topic that interests you? I’d be more than happy to make some recommendations.” Faircoivar let a small smile rest on their lips. “There are many topics that interest me. I’ll likely work my way through your entire library eventually.” Thranduil inclined his head. “Very well, if there is something I can assist with let me know.” The fact that the King was not pushing hard was a good thing.
It also prompted them to say, “There is a topic I would like to discuss with you soon. I want to gather my own thoughts first.” That had Thranduil straightening, “I would imagine it to be something serious then.” A statement rather than a question, yet this time they chose to answer it. “It would be considered so. It is also something I do not intend to rush into.” Which considering the urgency they felt about many things was actually somewhat surprising.
“I do believe I’m getting better at being patient. Either that or more used to looking at it from a point of longevity.” A slightly frown formed on their face as they thought it over. “That is a good thing,” Thranduil commented softly. “Knowing you have time to choose a course of action or thought.” Faircoivar’s expression smoothed out. “There are benefits to taking your time, as much as there are to knowing sometimes time can cost you more than you wish to pay. Just another type of balance to learn.”“Not everything needs to be about balance,” Thranduil observed. “Though it is a good thing to have.”
An amused look settled on the young elf’s face as the red bled out of his hair. “It is. This is good too.I want to thank you.” The King’s eyebrows lifted. “For?”
“Caring about me.”
That actually caused Thranduil to frown faintly. “You do not need to thank me for that. I have every reason to care about you and your well being.” There were many different answers he could have for that. Gilriant had never been blind to who and what he was or what he could and did do. “I am aware there could be multiple motivations at play, yet I have also always seen the care you have shown me. I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge it. Thank you.”
That seemed to give Thranduil pause, if he did not quite know what to think about it. Still his voice was quiet in reply. “You are welcome.”
*
In the end, the conversation could have gone way worse than it did. Of course it probably could have gone better but Gilriant was going to focus on the positives first. Like no one needed a trip to a healing hall after. Erestor was looking forward to what the young elf requested of him. Atya had eventually calmed down, mostly. To be honest if he could have avoided it, he probably would have. But he needed information that Atya may have.
He of course started by closeting himself in the Library for the first few days of his visit to Imladris. Picking over what details he could find in the books. Erestor kept a careful watch on him, but didn’t ask. More drifting by in the background in case he was needed. Teacher trusted him with the books and it certainly helped that he had never done any pranks in the library. He in fact had played them on the twins when they dared to cross that line.
When Gilriant was ready, they met in Elrond’s office. Of course his brother was there, Erestor, his Atya, Glorfindel in case someone needed to sit on Atya, and of course Haldir. Arwen was taking a turn at distracting Legolas for some reason. He wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to know what the two were up to. She had that look of mischief in her eyes that told him not to ask. Not unless he was really sure he wanted the answer.
“So what was it that you wanted our help with?” Elrond carefully closed the door and turned around to look at him. “Two things, the first is likely to be a project for Erestor but it is best if many assist as they can.” The seneschal looked on in interest. “How may I be of service?” I need a book to explain elves to non-elves. How we view the world, how we interact with it, how we view different relationships and interactions.” At his teacher’s raised eyebrow Gilriant smiled. “The immediate goal is to give it to the Ainur as I am finding many of them just don’t understand elves.” That earned him a long look. “I see.” Gilriant gave them a small smile.
“While the Valar wanted me to learn from them, they also are learning from me. More and more I realize they just do not understand how elves think, or work. They do not realize the harm some of their actions can inflict, not the depths of it anyways. Which is why I say they need to understand how we interact with the world. Hopefully they will then start to consider or reconsider some of what they do and say.” There were thoughtful looks on most. “I would say you are correct, from what interactions I had.” Being twice born, Glorfindel had been through Mandos’ Halls, thus had some interactions there.
“You said the immediate goal, is there a long term one as well?” His teacher was great at picking up the small details. “In the long term I want to get one from each race. Helping us understand each other may help relations between all the races. Yes this may take away some of the mystery, but if it also takes away some of the misunderstanding, would it not be worth it?” Elrond inclined his head. “Agreed. Though I wonder what it is that you had to explain to the Valar that was harmful?” Now was going to start the tricky part.
“That condemning an elf to spend every night carrying a star across the sky was detrimental to said elf’s well being.” Elrond sat down slowly as the room was bathed in silence as everyone except Haldir absorbed his words. Gilriant had already discussed every bit of his visit and implications with his bonded. “I may not agree with everything that Earendil did, but he, at least, thought he left his children in safety when he initially went to seek out aid. He fought for everyone. That I can understand far more readily than other actions. So I asked them why they were punishing him. That I considered his task a punishment surprised them.” That Manwe and Varda were willing to listen to him was a step forward. Now if they would continue to consider how their actions might be seen by the various races it would be well worth any headaches that occurred.
“They are willing to let me try another solution.” Gilriant braced himself as he continued. “Especially as I discovered the three are out of balance. Since that is my domain, I was tasked with finding out why and fixing it.” Elrond inhaled as Maglor stared at him. “Hinya, please tell me that doesn’t mean what I think it does. Please tell me you aren’t seeking out the Silmarils.” The pleading in his father’s voice almost made his resolve waver.
“I’m seeking out a Silmaril. There is only one I need to locate and discover the truth of. The other two are relatively easy to find.” Perhaps not the wisest of comments, but he refused to hide what he was doing from his family. “No!” Getting up from his seat he moved to grasp Gilriant by the shoulders. “I will not lose one of my sons to the madness that is seeking a Silmaril! I forbid it!” While he could feel the concern from Haldir, he simply sent reassurance back. The support was appreciated but he could handle it. Especially as Glorfindel was coming up behind Maglor and reaching to put a hand on the bard’s shoulder.
“Atya, this isn’t the same as what the family has been through. I am under no oath that will drive me to actions against my will. I am taking this slow and carefully. There is no time limit on my task.” Fear and fury warred in Maglor’s eyes. “No! This should not have been put upon you. Those wretched jewels have cost us far too much.” Gilriant could see the tremor in his father’s body even as the bard held him fast. “Atya, it will be okay. I can have help with this. I will not be forced into actions I cannot abide. Please, trust in me.”
“Elrond, tell him, tell him what folly this is.” Maglor shifted his gaze to his oldest child only to see the hesitant look there. “You cannot be considering this. You know what harm seeking them out has done.” Gilriant could see his brother trying to choose the best thing to say. “I think, this is a possible way to lay all of our family's troubles with those things to rest for good.” Their father stared at him and then jerked his hands back from his grip on the youngest’s shoulders. “No! I forbid this!” Stalking towards the door he flung it open swiftly leaving the room. Glorfindel paused to put a hand on Gilriant’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll stay with him. He’ll calm down eventually.” The captain then exited the room following the bard.
With a sigh he started to sink down onto the armchair behind him. Haldir slipped into place to hold him. “It will be alright.” While Gilriant knew that Maglor would not react well to this, it still shook him. He blinked to see that Elrond had kneeled down in front of him, grabbing his hands to stop the tremors in them. The young elf hadn’t even realized that they were doing so until his brother moved. “Haldir is right. It will be okay. Atya is upset, which you anticipated, correct?” The young elf nodded slowly. “Yes, I knew he would be. But I could not hide this from him. It is okay if he doesn’t want to help at all, I still have to do this.” Blinking he could feel a few tears slide down his cheeks. “You understand, right brother?”
“I understand that you feel you must do this. I even understand why, and to a certain degree agree with what you want to do.” Elrond continued to hold his hands, looking into his younger sibling’s eyes. Projecting calm and reassurance. “However this is a large task along with many other large tasks which have been laid upon your shoulders. I know you are of age, but you are still very young. Too young to have this degree of responsibility. Atya is afraid for you.” Gilriant gave a shaky exhale. “I know. I anticipated he would be upset. I don’t know why I am so upset. You should go help Atya, he needs you.”
“And I will go to him, after I am certain that you are alright. Glorfindel is with him, he is not alone.” Gilriant started to open his mouth only to shut it with a snap when Elrond continued. “Don’t tell me that you are fine when clearly you are not.” Which, fair, and just showed how well his brother knew him. “Atya is not rejecting you.” The young elf closed his eyes as a pair of tears slid down his face at those words. “He is just overwhelmed and afraid. Once he calms down he’ll likely try to smother you with attention.”
“He’s right.” Gilriant opened his eyes to see Erestor had moved over. “The most difficult thing when your father has processed this will be getting him not to try to follow you everywhere. It is also okay to be upset about his reaction. You are still a young elf. And even if you were not, it is not easy to handle your parent being upset.” With a nod the young elf let himself learn more into Haldir’s hold.
“You were right to tell us right away. If you had gone about it without doing so, that likely would have provoked a worse reaction.” Elrond gently reassured his brother. “I’m proud of you for coming to us. Thank you.”
There was a commotion in the hallway and they looked up to see Legolas slipping into the doorway. Arwen peered through a moment later. “You are upset, what’s wrong?” Chagrin Gilriant gave the older prince an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you. I should have kept things from leaking through. I’ll be fine, really.” Raising his eyebrows Elrond got up letting Legolas shift into the position he had been in. “No, I want to know when you are upset. You never need to apologize for that.” Elrond exchanged a glance with Erestor.
“I think you are in good hands, I’ll go find Atya.” Gilriant nodded looking up at him. “Please do that. Thank you brother.” Elrond smiled, “I will always be here to support you. No matter what.” Moving back out of the doorway he lightly put an arm around Arwen guiding her away from the doorway. “What happened?” Erestor trailed behind them after noting Legolas’ rather earnest expression.
“I don’t know Ada. We were talking with the tailor. I wanted to discuss possible sindarin fashions. I thought it would be helpful to have a full wardrobe for everyone here so they need not worry about baggage.” Elrond nodded, that was a good idea. Especially if the woodland prince intended to continue to visit. “Very thoughtful.” “He just stopped and went still, then excused himself and left. I followed him to your office.” A muscle in Elrond’s jaw flexed as he considered the implications. “Interesting, well I suppose the two of them being good friends could have accelerated the depth of the connection between them.” Erestor observed cheerfully.
Elrond made a mental note to have a talk with Prince Legolas later. For now he had his Atya to find and talk down.
*
Since they were there anyways, later Gilriant went to check on Mellessin Lindir and Aliramdir. Okay mostly the baby but that shocked no one. It soothed him to hold the little girl and sing to her. The alert and intelligent look in her eyes surprised him a little. Then again, he was aware of the fact that elven babies mentally developed much faster than their human counterparts. It wouldn’t be too long before she started trying to talk.
It didn’t exactly shock them when they felt the subtle changes in their shift and saw the red sheen add to their hair. Faircoivar didn’t so much as pause in the singing, just continued to walk with the baby. Aliramdir just giggled and grabbed at their hair. They did eventually have to hand the baby back when she started to fuss. Mellessin accepted her with a smile. “It will not shock me if she ends up a musician, considering everyone who sings to her.”
With a light laugh Faircoivar settled in a chair. “Perhaps, but I know regardless of what she chooses she will be very loved.” They watched their friend, “How are you doing? I know this all must be overwhelming.” Carefully starting to nurse the baby, Mellessin's smile stayed in place. “It is, but everyone has been so helpful. Almost too helpful but the stick has come in handy.” Her grin got even bigger at that statement. “Well I am glad the gift from the forest and I came in handy. The trees were happy to donate to a good cause.”
Cocking her head to the side Mellessin asked, “Wait, the trees donated the staff? You didn’t have it carved?” Apparently they hadn’t explained it fully. “I asked if the tree was willing to donate wood for a long staff to assist my pregnant friend. The branch landed at my feet. I’m not entirely sure if it was my magic, or the forest’s that created the carving. When I picked it up the excess wood just fell away.” The elleth looked over at the stick resting close to her. “Well, I am doubly honored then. When I no longer need it, you should put it somewhere for the next person to get pregnant.”
Arching an eyebrow they responded, “There is no real way to know that what I did made your pregnancy possible. It may not happen again.” She gave them a look. “You should give yourself more credit. When it does happen again I reserve the right to tell you I told you so. Both you and Elrond admitted it was possible.” They inclined their head in acknowledgment. “Well I can say I would be happy for there to be more. I like not being the youngest anymore.” A laugh escaped Mellessin, “I am sure you are.”
After a moment she looked at them, “May I ask what triggers it when you shift genders?” The question didn’t surprise them. They would be curious too if it happened to someone they knew. “Tauriel tends to be a deliberate choice, for the most part. I feel it, and more consciously choose to be female and invoke it. I’m still figuring out what it means to be balanced between the two. While I can consciously control the shift, sometimes this one just happens. It's a very connected and peaceful state of mind.”
“So some of them are connected to specific feelings?” Faircoivar considered the question carefully. “That’s not inaccurate. Being my male self has lots of associations with people and events in my life. I likely will be that many times in my life. It’s not uncomfortable at all. I just sometimes feel different, or more. I am very lucky to be able to have these gifts and have these choices.” Mellessin nodded to show her understanding. “I’m glad you can. So you could stay in any one of them long term if you really wanted to?” They smiled, “Of course, they are all part of me. Just different ways of expressing that.”
“So you could safely stay female and it wouldn’t stress you out?” Their eyebrows knit together as they considered the question. “I suppose, though, I would be upset if I couldn’t shift back at all. I like being able to be different.” “But you could safely be pregnant and carry a child.” Now Faircoivar blinked. “Ah, I had yet to consider that factor but I believe you to be correct. That would require me to wed a male though.”
Mellessin laughed, and then looked at their face, “Oh, you are serious.” While they weren’t exactly sure what kind of face they were making, Faircoivar did take their time answering. “I’m not completely ignorant of potential. I’m just not ready to consider it seriously. So I won’t. That’s not to say something won’t develop, I just am not comfortable letting it progress beyond a certain point. Not yet anyways.” That was the closest they would get to openly acknowledge anything right now.
“I think that’s very wise of you. You have plenty of time for that.” Mellessin smiled at her friend. “Doesn’t mean I won’t tease you about it.” A soft laugh escaped Faircoivar, “I would hardly expect otherwise.” After a moment of consideration they added, “Thank you for asking, and bringing up the possibility. I am sure you are not the last person that will have questions, so it will help when others ask.”
A hint of mischief sparkled in her eyes when she asked, “So when do you think Maglor and Glorfindel will wed.” With a groan, the red sheen faded from his hair and he mocked glared at her. “I cannot believe you asked me that. I do not want to think about my Atya wedding Shiny.” A merry laugh answered him. “Now if you want to talk about them getting married, I’m not entirely sure except the two of them are not allowed to do that without me.” She grinned, “Considering how long it took to get them to this point, I’m better it will take another person being blunt asking why they haven’t yet before they get betrothed.”
“Or it will be something we don’t expect at all.”