One Cut

One cut.

James only needed one sharp cut along his wrist to end his pain. The suffering which he had endured for years could finally be over, with one cut.

As he took the blade to his wrist and did one painless slice, his vision went blurred and his eyes glossy. He wasn’t dead, nor unconscious, just sinking down into a pool of his own blood as he waited to bleed out.

It seemed like it had been hours since he had been in there, so naturally his roommate was growing concerned. James couldn’t make out the expression on Remus’ pale face, nor the screams and cries which left his chapped lips upon the groosum sight of a fully clothed, bleeding out James.

That was the moment that he fell unconscious, and the next thing he knew he was being shipped away in an ambulance to what James could only assume was a hospital.

The next few days went by with him slipping in and out of consciousness,  if his parents were still alive they would have been leaving flowers every day. The only person to visit was Remus, who never had the chance to speak to James as whenever he entered the room James would either be asleep or pretending to be.

How could he face Remus after a pathetic attempt at a suicide?

The doctors escorted Remus out of the room and began to discuss things between each other;they obviously thought that James was asleep.

“He has bipolar disorder and a history of therapy sessions through secondary school, here it says that the boy isn’t new to harming himself or others,” A female doctor’s voice said.

James had been caught for self harming himself before through the scars which he had left on his arm, however harming others was only him getting into fights over pathetic arguments, nothing note-worthy, he thought.

“He will have to be escorted to a psychiatric facility until further notice,” A male doctor with a deep voice spoke from next to James’ bed, “We can have him taken by tomorrow.”

A mental hospital? Just great. You try to kill yourself a few times and suddenly you’re a harm to yourself and others. James didn’t want to be around all of those crazies, but then again, who was he to call others crazy?

That was how James ended up in a psych ward, throwing a pillow up and down as he lay on his uncomfortable bed. His roommates in the facility weren’t all bad, though.

There was a boy with brunette hair and piercing holes along his lip, ears, nose and eyebrows from before he had entered. Everybody called him Crouch, but James knew him as Barty. He was in for stabbing three civilians and then stabbing himself in the stomach, accidentally missing any vital organs. He wasn’t put in prison because of his diagnosed bipolar disorder, much alike James’.

Another boy in there was called Lovegood, but he was known as Loony. He was placed in there for attempting to jump off a building, claiming that God had chosen him to lead humanity towards salvation, or something along those lines. When James had told Loony that he didn’t believe in God, the white haired boy tried to strangle him! It makes it hard for James to sleep in the same room as him, especially with the constant praying all night.

The final bed was empty, but Barty told James that there were rumours of a new patient being transferred to this ward from another, so hopefully they wouldn’t be in their room. More roommates meant more trouble.

James’ first visit from Remus happened a month after being sent to the psych ward. Visits were held in a small room with no windows and one light. There was a rounded table with two uncomfortable chairs on both sides of it and a security camera flashing in the corner. James had made it a habit to flip off the cameras whenever he entered.

It felt awkward at first, but Remus warmed up and didn’t pry about James’ mental health, instead filling him in about things that were happening at their college.

“Do you have any friends here?” Remus asked James near the end of their visit.

“There’s Barty, Marlene and Lily.” Marlene and Lily were both girls, so James only saw them during leisure times and lunch, but they were both great. Much like Barty, Marlene had piercing holes all over, including a closed up one on her tongue and cheeks. She had a blonde wolf cut with hot pink highlights, and whenever she was allowed to, she would wear eyeliner and eyeshadow. Marlene was in there because of psychosis, meaning that she had dangerous hallucinations at times. She was found in the streets, having not eaten for days, sobbing in a secluded alleyway and repeating to herself over and over, ‘He’s following me.’

Lily, on the other hand, was the perfect girl before being admitted. She was different than the others, a ray of sunshine inside and outside of the ward. She had perfect grades, a line of girls and boys who wanted her, perfect looks and a warm personality. She had been emitted for depression and self harm, a danger to herself. The pressure of being perfect all of the time made her crack. Sleepless nights caused her to develop insomnia. Underperforming in tests made her feel angry, causing her to take it out on her own skin.

James understood that feeling.

In a way, the feeling of the burn was addictive, seeing the blood trickle made him feel better about everything that he had done wrong in his life whenever he had depressive episodes. Although, whenever he was in a manic episode, the happiness and energy at first made him regret ever harming himself, as if his life were perfect and he had no reason to do it.

Remus knew something was wrong with James when he laughed uncontrollably for a few days then proceeded to lie in bed, unmoving and awake with a blank expression for a few more days. When he told somebody, they made James see a doctor, and he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

When their first visit was over, Remus wrapped James in a warm hug before leaving the room himself with a sad smile on his face. James had to wait for a nurse to escort him back to his room, which seemed demeaning to him as he felt perfectly fine to go himself.

As James was reminiscing, a nurse came into their room and asked for the three of the boys’ attention. “A new person is being transferred to this facility, and this room is the only spare one, so he will have to stay in here.” The woman with a brunette bun said with a fake smile.

Barty booed but she ignored him and made her own way out, “You think she gets paid to grin that much?” He joked, staring up at the ceiling.

“It’s like she’s from that movie, you know, smile?” James responded, as Barty cackled loudly in response, even snorting, his laugh was contagious, and soon James was giggling too.

“Be quiet! I’m praying to our lord, and he demands respect!” Loony shouted loudly at the two, genuine anger in his eyes as he panted, staring right at James.

“My bad dude,” James replied slowly. He rolled over in his uncomfortable bed and drifted to sleep slowly, the sound of Loony praying quietly under his breath and Barty smacking his lips together filling the air.

James woke up the next morning to the sounds of a woman screaming in the hallway, “Let me go! I’ll fucking kill you!” She screeched loudly. James rubbed his eyes and put on his glasses to see Barty peeking out of the room. Since there weren’t nurses telling everybody to stay inside it couldn’t be very important.

The noises of screaming left as quick as they came, and Barty, seeing James awake, rushed over and sat on his bed.

“You hear that?” Barty asked James, his expression serious.

“Yeah, hard to miss,” James replied with a yawn.

“She was walking around the hallway in nothing but underwear, screaming at anybody who came near her, she even lunged at a guard,” Barty said.

“Poor girl.” James managed to force, looking up at the ceiling, “I could really use a fag right about now.” He groaned.

“I’m right here,” Barty joked, receiving a playful nudge from James, before he looked to check Loony was asleep and whispered in James’ ear, “There’s a stash of fags and lighters in the bathroom, I’ve been here for ages and my sister sneaks them in for me.” James looked at Barty with a wide grin.

The two asked a passing by nurse if they could go to the toilet, even though it was before breakfast. She agreed to escort them and wait outside. It was smart to ask a nurse, as she obviously couldn’t go into the actual bathroom.

When the two of them made it in the toilets, Barty went in the middle stall and took a small, loose tile from the ceiling, placing the tile gently on the floor and pulling out a pack of cigarettes and lighter out of dozens.

“Fuck, how’d you sneak these in?” James asked as he lit one and took a deep inhale before exhaling downwards, avoiding the smoke detector above.

“They don’t check chocolate, luckily.” Barty winked at James before having a puff of his own. The two sat on the floor of their stall in silence until their cigarettes burnt out, before putting them out on the floor and placing them back in the tile away from the fresh packs.

When they left, the nurse asked what took so long, “I needed to shit so bad, it really burnt my asshole and it was kind of-“ The nurse gagged and cut him off, asking for him to stop explaining his shit levels.

They were escorted back to their room, but were shocked to see a new person sat on the bed next to James’. He had black curls, grey, piercing eyes, pale skin with his bones showing and a nonchalant expression.

“So you’re the newbie, huh!” Barty immediately sprung forward and walked up to the boy.

“Crouch, pleasure to meet ya!” Barty stuck out his hand for the boy to dab up, but the pale boy awkwardly shook the hand instead of dabbing him up.

“I’m Regulus Black,” The boy - Regulus - quietly responded, glancing over to James for a few seconds before turning back to Barty, “Are you both as interesting as this man?” Regulus asked James and Barty in a low voice, whilst gesturing towards Loony who was on his knees in the corner, probably praying.

James wouldn’t even be surprised if he was licking the wall, he learnt to put nothing past Loony.

“Fuck that, I just stabbed some people and myself,” Barty joked, Regulus looked uncomfortable, “My bad I know, they call me bipolar Barty.”

“Literally nobody calls you that.” James commented, and Barty kicked him playfully.

“Yeah I just wanna die, they call me handsome, amazing James Potter.” James bowed jokingly, and Barty punched his back as he was leant down.

“Nobody calls you that!” Barty chuckled, “We’re the bipolar duo around here, are we gonna be a trio or what?” He was subtly asking what Regulus did to end up in the psych ward, which was out of character for him as he usually didn’t care about why other people wound up here, that made James worry that Barty may slip into another manic episode, but he didn’t say anything yet.

“I mean, I guess I can join the suicide attempt trio?” Regulus awkwardly said, James nodded and patted Regulus on his head.

“Isn’t it weird how we all ended up here?” James asked everyone, suddenly, “I mean why is it normalised that we all tried to kill ourselves, right?” The two boys thought about it for a second before Barty nodded and Regulus opened his mouth to speak.

“I don’t think it’s that weird, everyone wants to kill themselves, we just acted on it.”

That’s when it sunk in for James.

He acted on it.

James wanted to die.

He didn’t want to be here.

He didn’t want to be alive.