Chapter 1
regulus
Its already late, i know i should probably stop practicing but i just cant bring myself to. I need to live up to those stupid expectations i set up for myself when i was a naive seventeen year old. I thought my luck would just continue forever. I will forever be compared to people i’ve never even met just because im not as good as them. I just want to be talented enough to be respected. even with 5 quads it’s not enough. Maybe 6 is better even if the quad axel is nearly impossible.
i watch as my dad stands by the side of the rink trying to motion me over. I thought he was supposed to be at work but i suppose my mother probably said something to him about me overworking myself. She doesn’t understand.
“Regulus, its late we should head home”
my dad says it in a sort of broken French that he uses when he’s distracted by something. I don’t know what it is but it probably involves me, it always does.
“aren’t you supposed to be at work. ill be done in an hour, ill come home then”
i say coldly. Just one more hour and thats it. Thats what i tell myself even though i know it always turns into two hours. He says something back about me needing to come home right now but im not really listening. Maybe im distracted by my new program or maybe it’s the pain in my knees and ankles that never seems to go away.
“Regulus are you even listening to me?”
my dad snaps. I flinch a bit, I’ve always hated being shouted at. It’s pathetic really considering i have no reason to hate it. I’ve never been abused, i don’t deserve to fear things like that. But i still do. I know he wont let me stay and will just end up calling my mother. I don’t have the energy to deal with the both of them so i just agree to leave.
Once at home i have to deal with my mother dragging me into the bathroom and bandaging up my various injuries. Im told that im not broken but if thats true then why do i always need to be fixed. She always looks so disappointed in me, why does everyone always look at me that way.
“Stop pushing yourself so hard. its not going to help you win the Olympics”
my mother snaps as she finishes tying a bandage a bit too tightly around my ankle. Her words snap like elastic against my pale cheeks. I know shes right but how can i accept it when everyone already expects so much of me. I don’t reply to her, when she says something like that it’s best i don’t reply.
The winter Olympics are only 2 weeks away. I don’t stand a chance against that new Russian kid. He will steal my title, i don’t even think i will place second. Remus lupin at only sixteen has already won every competition he’s been in since his senior debut wich was only last year. That boy is a monster. I have no right to hate him since i don’t even know him but somehow i still do.
My mother finally finishes bandaging my other ankle. Shes done it far too tight but im too scared to say anything so i just leave it. I’ll probably end up ripping them off in annoyance later anyway. The maid comes in to the bathroom announcing that dinners ready, im not very hungry but i don’t my whole family assuming i have an eating disorder again so i just agree to go eat with everyone else.
At the dinner table everyone is already occupied with my brother. Well my father is anyway. Maybe i should have got into hockey like him when i was a kid. It sure seems far more painless and fair. It doesn’t depend on the judges idea of proper artistry and technique but instead, actual rules like scoring goals and penalties or whatever.
“Are you excited that we’re leaving for the Olympics in a few days”
Sirius says to me. How do i respond to such a complex question? Of course im excited, i would be stupid to not be. It’s just the fact that i already know that my rein as the ‘ice prince’ will be over. For years i have been viewed as the best male figure skater. That is until the stupid Russian boy decided to come along with the whole package. He’s graceful, good at jumps and he’s young. Maybe i shouldn’t care, im near retirement age anyway.
“i guess, im a bit nervous though”
this seems like the simplest thing i can say. It’s not a lie but it’s definitely not the full truth, im more than just nervous. I keep my head down as i say it and just stick to cutting up my food into ever smaller pieces. Sirius seems sceptical but doesn’t say anything and just goes back to talking about whatever nonsense game plan he has, im jealous of how damn carefree he is. It’s like his words are air. They flow so naturally.
The rest of dinner is a blur. I speak very little since no one asks me questions, im glad. I don’t have the energy right now to talk about anything to do with figure skating. Im tired of talking about it. I used to think that my only purpose in life was to skate, i don’t think that anymore. I don’t have anywhere near the same amount of passion as my competitors.
That night i stay up late watching random skating programs on youtube. Im not really sure why since i already know im better that half of the people im watching, i still stare in awe as they glide across the ice with ease. I can do the same but why does it seem so much better when they do it. Then i stumble across a video of Remus Lupin. I knew he was good but oh my. His worst is me at my best. His worst is better than anyone at their best. He is simply flawless.
The next day at practice it feels sort of useless. I don’t want to go to the Olympics knowing i will fail to meet everyone’s expectations of me. I sit on the bleachers, pretending im lacing up my skates whilst i watch Sirius and the hockey team goof off in their warmup. It will be another 2 hours until they are done with practice so i have nothing to do. I stare at my phone but don’t do much, i check my instagram and see i have a new follower. It’s the captain of the Canadian hockey team, James Potter. Why would he follow me. Maybe he meant to follow Sirius and made a mistake.
I follow him back since i feel like it would be rude not to. I check his page, he posts pretty stereotypical things for a hockey boy. Im not surprised by the fact he has a massive ego and seems so sure of himself. After all, his team has been undefeated for 2 seasons. Sirius is not happy about this and is determined to win the Olympics against them. I would never tell him but i really doubt he will. It’s bloody James Potter. I remember the last time i saw him. It was at one of Sirius’ games. I was in prime so i had so much damn confidence. I remember he smiled at me and i smiled back. My english was terrible at the time so i couldn’t even say anything to him. I didn’t need to, our eyes said it all.
Finally after 2 hours of stalking his instagram the hockey team is finally done practicing. My coach motions me over so i stand up and walk down the steps of the bleachers. He seems stressed although that is just how he looks constantly. Maybe the ice has frozen his face from how long he’s spent at ice rinks. He sort of scares me even though he’s been my coach since i was a kid, theres just that aura about him that makes me feel like i should fear him
“Regulus you need to get your head in the game, we only have a few days till we leave for the Olympics and then its already too late”
he mutters in harsh French. He says this as if i don’t already know that my whole reputation as the ‘best skater’ will be over if i don’t win. Why cant i just retire already and forever live up to my legacy.
“i know, i am trying i swear”
i say as i look down at my feet, i really need new skates. I should have said that a few weeks ago when i actually had the time to get new ones fitted. It’s way too late now and if i even mentioned it he would just get so mad.
The rest of practice goes smoothly. My jumps are so consistent and i cant help but feel relief that maybe im not as bad as i think i am. Coach seems pleased that maybe im not as incompetent as he thought. Who was i kidding thinking im bad. I am the current best in the world, why should i let a mere sixteen year old scare me. I’ve been skating far longer than he’s even been alive.
Days pass and im feeling sure about my program. This is my last competition before my retirement and i would like to end this career of pain and suffering by winning the olympics. I know i can do it if i really try. I deserve it, don’t I? Im not afraid of it now.