Remus lupin
Remus
I haven’t slept in 3 days. When you haven’t slept nothing hurts as much as your head does. Maybe thats why i purposely stay up, it means that at least i don’t feel it as much when my coach hits or kicks me. It’s like that throbbing in your head numbs everything else. I have to constantly tell myself that it doesn’t matter how much it hurts, winning matters more.
Coach says that i have to land this quad axel if i want to win. It feels stupid to me, why should i have to be the one to land it if no one’s ever done it before. But of course i will listen to him no matter what, i have to if i want to be able to walk by the end of the day.
“i cant fucking do it”
i shout as i kick my skate against the side of the rink, i’ve fallen again for what feels like the 100th time. Coach’s teeth are clenched, it’s obvious he’s near his breaking point and im dreading it already. I can feel his hands against my back and chest, and i can see the bruises that will cover my already scarred skin.
“do it again and maybe actually land it this time”
he spits harshly, his Russian isn’t very good so i never really know what he’s saying. I always just guess and hope im roughly right. I can make out the fact he wants me to do it over. He says this as if it should be easy for me to do it again. I don’t know if i can. Im so dizzy it feels like im on a rollercoaster or something, the only thing keeping me going is that gold medal.
i try again and land it this time. My landing is sloppy and the jump is pre-rotated but it’s better than before. My coach doesn’t exactly smile or praise me but he nods in approval, thats the best i’ll ever get so it feels good. Well as good as i’ll ever feel these days.
I finally get a break so i head to the bleachers where my friend Barty is sitting. He’s on the hockey team so he doesn’t really understand why im treated the way i am but he always tries to help. He’s sort of like a big brother to me even though he’s only 18, he’s viewed as the baby on his team but in figure skating 18 is already near retirement if you have bad technique.
I sit down next to him and can already feel the worry in his eyes as he stares at me. I must look pretty bad, i don’t even care anymore. I don’t have time to worry about my looks when i have the Olympics to win. He wraps his arm around me, i think i must be shaking because he normally does this when he’s trying to steady me.
“have you had anything to eat today?”
he says, his words are so gentle coming from a muscular hockey boy. Have i eaten today? i don’t even remember anymore. Days all blur together and im not sure when i do something or when i don’t. I could feel so dizzy because i haven’t eaten but i swear i remember having food earlier.
i shrug to him. I don’t know if he believes me or not. Im 99% sure he thinks i have an eating disorder, i don’t. I lean further into him and he drapes his team russia jacket around my shoulders. I really must be shaking if he’s done this, he never takes that jacket off. I usually tease him for it since it’s funny for him to be so proud of being in the national team that he refuses to take the proof of it off. I don’t have the energy to tease him about it today.
When i get home my mother and father don’t even acknowledge me really. My father just tells me to go workout if i want to have dinner tonight. Maybe they will acknowledge me if i win the Olympics. I really don’t want to work out but i also don’t think i can handle skipping another meal so i spend 2 hours in my room just doing sit ups and press ups.
Eventually my mother brings me some dinner. It’s some sort of traditional Russian food. I don’t ask what it is because all of our food is weird even if it does taste good. I sit on my bed as i eat, theres only a few days till i leave for the Olympics and im so so scared. I am a lot younger and less experienced than my competitors not to mention that i’ll be against the ‘ice prince’. Everyone knows that Regulus Black is the best skater in the world. Im sure he’s not even nervous, he doesn’t have any reason to be.
I know that im the best. Im better than him in nearly every way except maybe in looks. It just doesn’t feel fair to me that he’s so good. His life seems easy and im sure he doesn’t get abused and starved and pressured. I know it’s not normal, the way im treated but i can’t escape when i know that everyone thinks im so perfect and naturally talented.
I lay awake in bed all night like usual. I am excited for the Olympics. I know that i can win if i land this quad axel. Although im not sure if it’s worth it, the base value is only 12.5 and thats merely 1 point more than a quad lutz. For the danger of it the value should be so much higher.
The next day at practice i arrive an hour early. I want to win no matter what it takes even if it means my already terrible health gets worse. I can handle it, im sure i can. Coach weighs me first thing when i enter the rink that morning. Ive lost weight but gained muscle wich he seems pleased with, i don’t even look at the number anymore. I just trust what he says.
My quad axel is getting a bit better. Im improving with the pre-rotation but i struggle with the landing the most. It just looks messy and means i don’t flow nicely into my next element. My coach is getting frustrated and he throws his water bottle at me in rage. It’s only plastic so it doesn’t hurt but it still stings to see him so disappointed in me.
I have a break and watch other people practice, particularly Marlene McKinnon. I think the way she skates is beautiful, it’s sort of masculine in a way wich a lot of people don’t like but i disagree. She’s unique and her jumps are flawless. The thing she struggles with is artistry, wich i understand. I don’t think she’s bad at it i just believe her choreography and music isn’t right for her. She doesn’t seem connected to it in the way you need to be if you want to have good artistry.
Barty comes up to me but he seems off. He’s normally way more confident and is missing that charm he usually has. I guess he is probably nervous about the Olympics, everyone in the hockey event seems more nervous than usual. I already know it’s about the Canadians, James potter in particular. I decide i should check that he’s alright since he always cares so much about me.
“Barty whats wrong”
i say as i put my hand on his shoulder. I always imagine in my mind that he is so much taller than me but in reality we are the same hight. Maybe he’s short for a hockey player or maybe im just tall for a figure skater, probably a combination of both.
“i don’t think i can do it. Even if we do manage to beat the Canadians i’ve heard that the French are really going for it this season. particularly the new captain, Sirius black” he replies worriedly.
That name.. Sirius black. He must be the brother of Regulus black, My biggest competitor. This Sirius boy interests me. The French team have never really been a threat to the Russian team. Not until he came along, that family is too talented for their own good.
A few days pass and soon all of the Russian winter Olympic team are all piled onto a plane. The atmosphere is weird, no one is as excited as we expected to be. It’s probably just the nerves but it’s really not how i expected it would be. Some of the athletes that when to the last Olympics assured me that it’s always like this, i don’t think we should be afraid of it now.