James in a Jam
Chapter 5: James POV
James wanted to realign their spines, he really did. But he couldn’t forget the words Aunt Marge had whispered to him earlier today.
“If you get her preggers, you gotta get rid of reggers,”
James knew what that meant. He had to break up with Barty. And without Barty, Regulus would inevitably leave too. There was just no way beautiful handsome cute and pretty Regulus would ever wanna be with stupid ugly not attractive uggo 2/10 James? Barty, Barty would hit whatever hot hole was waiting for him. Barty would sleep with a tea kettle if it meant free butterbeer in the morning.
His stomach churns. To fall asleep every night… alone… again… He supposes he could start sleeping with Sirius again, but Sirius always scratched him with his gnarly ass toenails and cuts up his legs. No wonder Remus has so many scars.
Remus… Remus was on a mission.
He shakes his head. He can’t think about that right now. He lowers the ladder from his window, and helps them climb inside. It does not take long. They live on the first floor.
Once they’re all inside, James tries to turn on a light so he can see their faces when they learn the truth. He wants to see the hatred, the anger, the lust, he wants everything laid bare and then he wants them to lay bare. Unfortunately, as a part of Remus’ mission, he ate all the lightbulbs in their house. Remus was on a mission. So James has to settle with feeling their faces with his fingers, but ends up at least five fingers deep into someone’s mouth.
“Msjaajmmhdmmsksmndlajkdmmmsnhmnhmmhsljskljsklwmnekjnnfijwkmmad,”
“Sorry mate,”
James withdraws his minimum of five fingers and whips the spittle off on… someone’s cheek.
“Listen… I need to… I need you-”
Apparently, Barty took this as a signal to get the festivities going, because he leapt into the fray like a hopping toadstool grabs at the golden snitch. And once James feels that familiar rush of heat, that duck and roll, that stop and drop, that electric shuffle, that charlie brown, that macarena, that grab and go, that mush and gush, that willy nilly, that slip and slide, that big bad tushy, that slop city population me, that glorp, that no diggity, that pig in a blanket, that nogel, that party trick, that good cush, that big unkempt bush, that catnip, that zaza, that epiglottitis, that pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, he can’t get himself to stop. All thoughts of Lily and her hairy cooch and her possible bun in the oven washes away. He can only think of Regulus and Barty. Talk is meant for morning. Love is meant for midnight.
~~~
James is a highly depressed individual. Some mornings he can’t get himself out of bed. Some nights he can barely convince himself to eat out Regulus' ass. He can’t even convince himself to brush his wild untamble hair, or put his glasses on his glistening brown orbs. On days like that, it helps to remember the things he had to look forward to. This was not one of those mornings.
He has to tell them. He knows he has to tell them that Lily has a stork in her belly. But he doesn’t know how to tell them.
A spark of inspiration hits.
He knows how to tell them.
“Lily has a stork in her belly,”
There. That wasn’t so hard.
Barty stares at him slack. Maybe he doesn’t know what storks are?
“Ya know. Like the bird,”
Barty stares at him, mouth agape, drool falling out. Regulus can’t even make eye contact with James. He lays on the bed, eyes closed, not saying anything. Barty also has his eyes closed. They must be really pissed.
“Guys. I’m sorry. Please, say something,”
Barty grunts.
“Guys,”
Nothing.
“Pookie bear?”
Nothing.
A beat.
They’re asleep.
~~~
James lays down in bed thinking. How should I wake them up, he thinks. I know, he thinks. He grips the bed cover and pulls it up over their heads.
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!
“Dutch oven!!!!!” James giggles, as Barty and Regulus wake abruptly and start choking for air. They thrash and squirm and wriggle and jive. James releases the covers and they break out of the prison.
“James!!! What the hell is your problem!!!!!!!” Regulus demands. James likes it when he demands things.
“That was highkey nast James,” Barty groans.
“JAMES? ARE YOU TALKING TO YOURSELF AGAIN IN THERE?” Sirius yells, “I’M COMING IN MATE!”
“No, I'm good!! Don’t come in!” James shouts while Regulus scrambles to hide under the bed, pulling Barty down with him. They must’ve forgotten to place a silencing spell last night! The doorknob starts jiggling as Sirius tries to force his way into James’ locked room.
“Don’t come in!! Uh uh uh… I HAVE A BONER!”
The jiggling abruptly stops. Regulus and Barty still. It was true. James had a massive boner. James doesn’t lie.
“Alright mate… fuckin weirdo,”
“Muffle that otto!” Regulus casts a silencing spell and gives Jame a sharp look. “What is so important that you had to wake us up with your toots and almost blow our cover???”
“Erm… You might wanna sit down for this,”
They were already sitting.
“I think… well I know… well I’m pretty sure…”
“Get on wit it m8!” Barty grunts.
“IthinkIgotLilyEvanspregnant,” Jam blurts out.
He sees Regulus’ eyes dim. Their sparkle, gone.
“You… you’ve been seeing Lily?”
“It was just once I swear! I don’t even know how it happened! She was so outta my league man. It was crazy. I just had to tap that hot piece of ass,”
Regulus pulls back, and Barty reclines on the bed.
“How long… how long have you been seeing her?”
“It was just that one time, months ago! It was like 273.75 Days ago! I didn’t think we were exclusive, but then we just kept happening and… I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you,”
“James… its cool i guess. We’re not exclusive. Whatever. Not like i care. I dont gaf. I hate you. I don’t gaf. Whatever, i dont even care,” Regulus says, avoiding eye contact and caving in on himself.
“Same,” says Barty.
That went a lot better than James thought it would! Alls well that ends well.