Chuck E Cheese Conspiracy
Chapter 6: Barty POV
Barty was heartbroken. He was confused. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn't understand how such a thing could happen.
Storks were endangered! Why would Lily eat one??????? He thought she cared, they had talked about how important it was to save the endangered English stork before, so why would she do this? From his reaction to telling them, it seemed like James was at fault too. Maybe they ate it together? Barty was, frankly, disgusted.
Most people didn't know this but Barty’s one true passion was animal activism. He had to hide it because Voldemort hated animals, but in secret, Barty’s mission in life was to protect all living creatures. Except for muggles. They deserved to die.
“Regulus?” Barty said as they walked away from James’ house.
Regulus was not in the mood to talk. He seemed to be really torn up about the stork too. Barty decided to keep talking anyway.
“Why would Lily eat a stork?”
“You actual stupid fucking idiot.” Regulus then slapped him in the face.
“WHAT??” Barty yelled, not only sad but now in pain too. Regulus’s twenty rings (on one hand) were really painful.
“Lily didn’t eat a goddamn stork you foolish buffoon! She’s PREGNANT!”
Barty’s eyes glazed over and he heard a voice, If you get her preggers, you gotta get rid of reggers… When his vision was over he looked back at Regulus, now fully understanding why he was so upset. “He’s done with us, isn't he?”
Regulus started crying and ran away. Ugh, dramatic bitch.
~~~
Barty didn't actually gaf about James or Lily or their weird stork baby. He was trying to be sympathetic for Regulus but James wasn't special really. He always listened to Imagine Dragons while they had sex and Barty found that very weird. He was more of a Glee Cast Album fan (his favorite was the Britney album). Plus, having secret rendezvous in Sirius’s house was really weird. He was always walking around singing and making weird noises, and his long gnarly toenails were always making a clicking noise on the floor. It was off putting. Sirius should be off pudding.
Now that dramatic ass Regulus was gone Barty had a free day ahead of him. Thank god. He felt like he was being smothered recently. Actually, he had literally been smothered recently. Last night James and Regulus fell asleep with their pillows over Barty’s face and he almost died. He was feeling very neglected, kind of like an endangered English stork.
With his new freedom Barty decided to engage in his favorite hobby, standing outside Madam Malkin’s and throwing blood at people who buy animal fur. He read about it in a muggle newspaper and thought it was a good idea. He formed a group to do it with him but they got mad at him when they realized he was using real blood. But it wasn't like it was animal blood! It was human blood! That’s totally fine.
He terrorized the customers of Madam Malkin’s for a while and then he got bored. He was feeling lonely, so he called his best friend, Lord Voldemort.
“BART!” The Dark Lord’s awful grating voice blasted through the phone. Barty had to hold it as far away from his ear as he could.
“Hey Buddy”
“SHUT UP. ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THE MEETING TONIGHT?”
Shit… Barty completely forgot about the meeting. And it was his turn to bring snacks! He didn't have nearly enough time to make his special spinach and artichoke dip. Voldemort gets grumpy when there’s no dip.
“Uh… yeah! Of course, my Lord.”
“GOOD. IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPENING. SMELL YA LATER!”
Ugh. Barty could never catch a break.
~~
After making a quick run to Applebee’s to buy a bulk order of spinach and artichoke dip Barty hopped on the bus to the nearest Chuck-E-Cheese to make it to the Death Eater meeting in time. Barty resented that the meeting was at Chuck-E-Cheese because they used completely unethical business practices. They were holding that poor mouse captive and forcing him to perform for stupid children! It was terrible! Barty also had this crazy idea that there was something else suspicious happening at Chuck-E-Cheese. Whenever James ordered a pizza from there (who knows why that was his restaurant of choice) it was always mixed up, almost as if they were taking leftover pieces from old pizzas and putting them together to make a new one, but.. no… that would be so wrong… right?
Whatever, that was stupid anyway. Barty had bigger things to worry about. He was sitting on the bus trying to transfer the dip from the takeout container to his casserole dish so it looked more homemade. Hopefully the dark lord wouldn't be able to tell that it wasn't Barty’s special recipe.
He got off the bus at Chuck-E-Cheese and strolled in with his dip. He didn't have time to get tortilla chips so people would just have to use their hands, oh well. When he walked in he realized he was the last one there and there were no seats. Shit. Then he caught Regulus’ eye and realized there was one more seat, right on Regulus’ lap. Since Regulus was half his height Barty blocked him completely, but he didn't care, Regulus would be fine.
“WELL!” Lord Voldemort said quietly and calmly. “LOTS OF NEW BUSINESS TO DISCUSS TODAY. FIRST, WE HAVE A QUICK UPDATE FROM GOYLE SR. ABOUT THE STATE OF THOSE MUDBLOODS WE WANTED TO KILL. GOYLE, SPEAK!”
Goyle stood up. He looked dumb. Also, he was lactose intolerant which meant he couldn't eat Barty’s dip. Stupid ass. “They’re dead, my Lord. Super dead.”
“EXCELLENT!” Voldemort cheered. He did a twirl to show off the sequins on his new Justice two piece sweat set. Everybody cheered and clapped. “NOW-”
Barty couldn't hear the Dark Lord because people kept getting up and walking over to him to get some dip. It was getting all over the floor since they had no bowls and they were all just grabbing it with their hands and making a huge huge mess. It reminded Barty of the fake blood he loved throwing at people so much, except this was cheesy and delicious.
Voldemort droned on and Barty didn't care, not until he said Regulus’ name. Barty gasped. Then he heard a muffled sound coming from under him. It was Regulus trying to break free. Suddenly Barty and all his remaining dip was on the floor as Regulus stood at attention.
“Yes, my Lord.”
“I NEED YOUR LITTLE FRIEND.”
“Hey-” Barty began to protest. He was NOT little, just ask Regulus. You could ask James too but he couldn't see anything without his glasses so he wouldn't be much help.
“KREACHER!”
This time everyone gasped.
“What do you mean, my Lord?” Regulus asked nervously. Everyone knew Kreacher was Regulus’ best friend. They even had friendship bracelets. They even got matching pink streaks in their hair when Regulus was in fourth year. Walburga shot him across the English Channel in a cannon for that one.
“I NEED TO BORROW HIM. AND BY BORROW I MEAN TAKE. HE WILL NOT BE COMING BACK.”
Regulus fell to his knees and started crying. Voldemort had two henchmen carry him into the next room because it was bad for Death Eater morale to see him being such a whiny little bitch.
“I’LL TAKE THAT AS A YES. DEATH EATERS DISMISSED. YOU MAY HIT THE ARCADE ON THE WAY OUT BUT DON'T DILLY DALLY TOO LONG. SMELL YA LATER!”
Voldemort and some others apparated away, while some went to the arcade. Barty loved the arcade, but he was far too angry to play games. Voldemort said Kreature wasn't coming back, which meant he was going to kill him. Barty could excuse killing human people, but killing house elves was NOT okay. Barty couldn't stand it. Voldemort was his best friend but this had him seriously questioning that.
Barty ditched Regulus who was still crying like a baby and ran out of the Chuck-E-Cheese. He smashed his casserole dish on the ground. He stomped on it and screamed a lot. Then he apparated to Michaels Crafts and got poster board and markers. He needed to make a statement. No one, not even the Dark Lord could treat house elves, English Storks, or any creature that way, and Barty would make sure everyone knew it.