Chapter 20
“Believe me, darling, when I say that you have more than exceeded my expectations.”
Alec wished it would rain – that icy water would coat his skin and the cold would seep deep into his bones. He wished a fierce gust of wind would rip at his uniform, forcing him to his knees. He wished that the sky would tear open and allow dark storm clouds to consume him. For lightning to strike him here on the spot, to put him out of his misery.
The rough surface of the tree bark brushed his back, even the gentle breeze seared his skin like fire. “Merlin, how can you be so clueless?” Magnus's lips were slightly parted, so incredibly soft and inviting. “May I?”
Instead, the glowing sun took its time to disappear behind the distant horizon, bathing the evening in a soft orange hue. Fluffy clouds bathed in the last rays of daylight, the surface of the great lake smooth and peaceful. It wasn't even cold enough to make his fingers stiff.
“Impatient, are we?” the Slytherin whispered, clearly amused. He placed a hand next to Alec's head for support, pressing him flush against the tree. ”And here I was thinking you were shy.”
“Don't underestimate me, Bane,” Alec replied in a rough voice, unable to prevent the bloom of color on his cheeks. He didn't know where this sudden courage came from. Despite his nervousness, Alec felt safe.
It wasn't enough to dig his fingernails into his palms. A wave of shame and fear threatened to overwhelm him.
Cursing, Alec slammed his fist against the unyielding stone wall. It provided the instant, sharp pain he had hoped for. The scraped skin on his knuckles started to bleed and Alec was sure that purple bruises would form there by morning. But for a moment, the searing pain provided a welcome distraction from what lay ahead.
A pleasant breeze ruffled his short hair as he rested his elbows on one of the broad battlements of the Astronomy Tower. He let his shoulders slump forward in resignation. No matter how often he ran through the words in his head, they refused to come out right. Everything in him resisted it, but there was no other way.
The distant clatter of footsteps on the stairs announced the arrival of the Slytherin. Alec tried to steel himself for the inevitable moment when the door would open. When he finally heard the soft creaking of the hinges, he was not prepared at all.
“Alexander?” The warmth in Magnus's voice hit him like an arrow through the heart. He took a last deep breath, then set his shoulders back and his spine straight. Arms clasped behind his back. Like a well-trained lapdog, he thought bitterly. Camille's words would stay with him for a while. But in the end, that’s what he had always been and would never quite shake.
“Magnus.” Alec couldn't meet his eyes, so he fixed his gaze on the doorframe behind him. His heart was beating up to his throat, but his voice remained clear and cool. “I need to discuss something with you. I think it would be better if we didn't see each other anymore.”
To Alec's surprise, Magnus headed straight for him and stopped only an arm's length away. He had to suppress the urge to reach out to him. “Did I do something?” He sounded worried. “Are you alright?”
“Let's not make this harder than it has to be,” Alec replied monotonously. “I knew from the start that nothing could come of us. I had my fun, but now I have better things to do.” Alec had expected Magnus to be angry, to raise his voice and to curse him. Maybe he had even hoped for that. He was used to dealing with anger, it would have made this more bearable.
Instead, Magnus cocked his head and gave him a long, hard look. “It would be easier to believe you if I didn't know you better. If you're going to dump me, I deserve the truth. You can't even look me in the eye.”
“Love? Please.” His father laughed without humour. “If you think, even for a second, that you are more than a diversion for Bane, then you are a greater fool than I thought. Life is not about doing what you want. You have a duty to fulfil. To this family, to the House of Lightwood. One day, you are to be the head of this family, and certainly not with that Bane at your side. I'm giving you a last chance to end this silly affair immediately.” Robert's eyes bore right through him. “And believe me, I won't spare your siblings either if I find out you've continued this nonsense. They should have told me about your disgraceful behaviour a long time ago.”
Alec wanted to pull Magnus into his arms, feel his comforting warmth and never let go. Instead, he recalled his father's threats. It was easier to meet Magnus's gaze when he was aware of the consequences if he failed. He had to make sure that Magnus would never forgive him. If he kept his distance, he would be safe. “You heard me. It was nice while it lasted, but now I have to think about my future.”
“Alec.” Not Alexander. It hurt to see Magnus so tense. The hard line of his mouth, the contracted eyebrows; the Hufflepuff could now clearly see the first signs of anger.
Finally.
“If you wanted to hurt me, you've achieved your goal. I'm still waiting for the truth. I know you feel something for me. Or at least you did, not even two weeks ago. Am I supposed to believe that I meant nothing to you?” Magnus pulled up his sleeve to reveal the star bracelet Alec had given him. Merlin, the delicate silver harmonized perfectly with his brown skin. “Am I supposed to believe that nothing happened between us?”
Alec faltered, had to swallow before he could continue. “Even if I did feel something for you: Do you know what I would have to risk for you? Do you want me to give up my career, my family's reputation, my life for you? You can't seriously expect me to be willing to do that.”
“Since when have you been interested in the Lightwoods’ reputation?” Magnus crossed his arms over his chest. Alec deliberately ignored the way the fabric of his uniform clung to his shoulders. "You told me yourself that you are not like your parents. Right now, you seem to be trying to prove the opposite.”
A metallic taste spread in Alec's mouth. He must have bitten his cheek. “Maybe you were wrong about me. Family is everything to me.”
“I can't have misjudged you that much.” Magnus objected. “You're not that cold and selfish.”
“I'm getting married as soon as the school year is over,” Alec blurted out desperately. Why did Magnus insist on probing at his words? His hands were shaking so much that he had to tighten the iron grip around his wrists. He could only pray that Magnus hadn't noticed his wavering. “I've already agreed to the engagement.”
“I've always done what you asked of me.” Alec clasped his hands behind his back to hide his tremor. “Just this once: I can't do it. Anything but this.”
“Alec…” Magnus gasped in shock. “You can't be serious!” He took a step back. “Not that... Lydia?”
The Hufflepuff sucked in his breath. “How do you even know Lydia?”
“Witch Weekly.” Magnus gave him a casual shrug. ”You're seriously telling me you want to marry Lydia Branwell? Do you even like her? I'm sure she's a lovely person, but you hardly know her.”
“Merlin, you've been reading articles about me in the tabloids?” Alec snapped, a spike of anger rising within him. He took a deep breath. He had neither the time nor the energy to be sidetracked now. “We are both clear on what we can expect from this marriage. I need a stable partnership. This is more than I could ever dream of.”
His parents didn't shy away from unforgivable curses or even Veritas serum. He didn't have a choice.
“Stable partnership?” Magnus practically spat the words at him. “What are you talking about? You'll be lonely all your life and so will she. You deserve better. Both of you.”
“Don't tell me what I deserve,” Alec shot back. His voice almost cracked. “Not everyone has the luxury of marrying for love. I'm doing what's best for me and my family.” The rage and frustration that had been building up inside him finally began to burst out.
Why wouldn’t Magnus just give up on him? It wasn’t enough. He needed more. “Stop embarrassing yourself. It's pathetic how you try to grasp for straws. I am done with you. "It's over.”
Magnus threw his hands up in the air, irritated. “I don't know what's gotten into you, but I won't take it anymore. You can yell at someone else if you can't control yourself.” Time seemed to stand still as he yanked the bracelet off his wrist and hurled it at Alec's feet. “I swore I wouldn't let myself be treated this way. You've disappointed me, Alec. I thought you'd be different from your parents. Apparently I was wrong.”
His brown eyes burned with deep contempt. “I can't believe I had feelings for you. I don’t even recognise the person standing in front of me. You make me sick.” He turned on his heel and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.
“Don't worry, I'll take care of you, Magnus.”
A harsh, anguished sound escaped Alec's throat as he slumped to the floor. Invisible claws clamped down on his chest, squeezing the air from his lungs until every breath was agony. He no longer had the strength to stay upright. Hot tears obscured his vision, dripping onto the cold stone floor. Halfout of his mind, he ran his hands over the ground, searching for the silver bracelet.
“I love you. I’m sorry.,” Alec whispered, when he finally felt the cool metal on his skin.
The evening sky did not answer.
*****
Magnus had almost reached the bottom of the spiral staircase when the sinking feeling in his stomach gained the upper hand. Something was very, very wrong. Alec had hurt him. Badly. And by Merlin, he was burning with rage. He could feel it in the tension building in his muscles, the heat spreading across his cheeks.
After his break-up, he had realised how many of Camille's snide remarks and backstabbing jokes he had put up with. He would not stand for anyone trampling on his feelings ever again. The thought that Alec had only feigned affection for him hit Magnus particularly hard.
Alec was well aware of how to push Magnus's buttons. He knew how to coax a reaction out of him. He had done his best to ditch him as brutally as possible. Even if Alec had decided to get married and never see him again, he simply wouldn't act like this. Not without a reason.
With growing horror, Magnus turned on his heel, taking two steps at once. He almost tripped in his haste, but managed to grab hold of the banister at the last moment. He hesitated for a moment, his hand motionless on the aged wood. Then he gently turned the familiar doorknob.
At first, Alec didn't seem to notice him. The last light of the evening sun bathed his fair skin in liquid gold. A few tears ran down his pale cheeks, his eyes still tightly shut.
Like a fallen angel, he knelt in the middle of the uneven stone floor, both hands clutching his chest protectively, as if he was holding himself together with sheer willpower. His breathing was shallow and rapid. Rough sobs mingled with his laboured breaths. It seemed wrong to watch him in this vulnerable moment.
Magnus couldn't remember ever having seen Alec cry. He didn't have the faintest idea what had happened, but he knew that it had deeply disturbed Alec. The desire to comfort him and the need to stay away clashed within him.
A silvery glint on the back of Alec’s hand caught his eye. Coagulated blood clung to the reddened knuckles, already showing a slight swelling. His heart leaped as he recognised the delicate stars of the bracelet. Alec cradled the piece of jewellery right above his heart, sending a painful pang through Magnus's chest, too.
The rage that had propelled him a moment ago suddenly abandoned him. Quietly, he approached, taking care not to startle the other. “Alexander, your hand,” he said gently and squatted down next to him.
Alexander's eyes flew open and he began to back away from Magnus in panic. His long legs caught on each other and he had no choice but to crawl backwards. Strain was written all over his face as he tried to keep his emotions in check. “You can't be here, Magnus. I told you. Go-”
“Alexander.” Magnus kept his own voice calm but firm. “I need to hear the truth from you.” He didn't want to press him in this state, but given the circumstances, there were no other options. “I can see that something is wrong.”
His words seemed to unsettle Alexander even more. When his back finally hit the stone wall, he cried out like a wounded animal. “Please, Magnus. I can't do this again. I can't, Magnus. Please.” Now that he had nowhere to retreat to, his head fell against his bent knees in resignation. “I'm sorry. I can't. Please don't make me.”
Alexander cowered on the floor in front of him, still not willing to raise his eyes. Magnus had seldom felt so powerless. He had to watch Alexander suffer and he didn't even know why. By now he was quite certain that Robert and Maryse Lightwood must have had a hand in this mess. The arranged marriage with Lydia Branwell must have been their doing, as well. Alexander hadn't wanted to reveal much about his parents.
Still, Magnus recalled the cut on the palm of his hand, which Magnus had healed during their first tutoring session. Alexander’s stubborn insistence that he should heal like a muggle had seemed odd to him even then. The closed doors of the Lightwood Manor held many secrets.
Being too close seemed to make Alexander feel unsafe at the moment, so Magnus remained where he was. “What can't you do, Alexander? What are you so afraid of? You can trust me.”
For a moment, Alec seemed to consider giving him an honest answer. Then he just shook his head silently as he began to lift himself up.
“At least let me take a look at your hand,” Magnus pleaded. “You don't have to say anything.”
Alexander wiped his face with the sleeve of his uniform. The bracelet disappeared inside his pocket. “I don't need your help nor your pity”’
He cleared his throat and straightened up to his full height. His new utilitarian haircut made his face look harder, more angular. The soft waves of his black hair were gone, along with his gentle words. The young wizard showed almost no signs of just having knelt on the floor crying. It was frightening how quickly Alexander had regained control of himself. “I'm sorry, Magnus. You have to stay away from me. For your own safety. There's no other way. It's better this way, for both of us.”
“What do you mean, for my own safety? If I'm in danger, I have a right to know what's going on.” Magnus blocked Alec's path. He would get his answers.
“You'll be safest if you stop asking questions,” Alec replied, visibly torn. “Just forget about me, Magnus. This isn't just about me or you. It's best for everyone involved. I know what I'm doing.”
“Your cryptic answers are not particularly reassuring. Stop acting like a martyr and talk to me. You can't shoulder the burden of the world alone. Nobody can.” When Alec tried to push past him, Magnus grabbed his wrist. “You can't just leave me like this.”
As soon as his fingers closed around the Hufflepuff's clammy skin, the other boy jerked back. Hard. His other hand darted out to protect his body. Magnus released his grip immediately, his eyes widening in horror. “Alexander...’ he breathed, distraught. “I know for a fact that something has happened. If someone is hurting you, you need to talk to someone. If not me, then someone else. There's no shame in asking for help.” Right now, Magnus was ready to set the world and anyone who had hurt Alexander on fire, but maybe that wasn't what he needed right now.
“Your help will only make things worse,” Alexander shot back defensively. “Surprise surprise, my parents aren't too thrilled about you. You can thank Camille for this mess.” He sighed deeply, a worry line prominent on his forehead. He appeared to be chastising himself for having revealed too much. “If you won't leave, I will. It's over. I mean it.” Alexander shook out his wrist and disappeared through the open door without turning back.
Meanwhile, the sun had set behind the horizon, the sky dark and starless. Magnus needed a moment to process what had been said. Camille had already threatened Alec in the past. Back then, Alexander had underestimated her. He himself had learned that she got everything she wanted, regardless of the consequences.
Without hesitation, Alec wrapped his arms around the other man. “Magnus,” he said firmly. “I'm not sure about what this is between us, but I know that I care about you. I know that I don't want to lose you. Camille Belcourt will be the last person to make me give up on this. Let her try to hurt me.” Alec chuckled. “After all, Robert Lightwood is my father and I doubt she could compete with him at all.”
“You may be wrong about that, Alexander.” Magnus buried his head in Alec's neck.
Alexander had been so sure of himself. Magnus clenched his fists. If Alexander didn't want to talk, he would have to pay the Queen of Darkness herself a visit. Of course, Camille was involved when it came to ruining Magnus's life. She just couldn't stand to see him happy.
Like many of the things Magnus held dear, Alexander had left him. Maybe not fully by choice, but still. It was a loss that lay heavy on Magnus' soul. But he would not let his pain interfere with his plans. With a place to start, he would do everything he could to find out what had caused Alexander's breakdown.