Toxic Romance

Severus curled in on himself as the remnants of his Concealment Charm faded into the gloom of the alcove he was hiding in, a shiver shaking his shoulders as he felt the last of the spell drag across his skin, like the pull of a ratty blanket exposing his form to the cruel world. He didn’t know how long he’d been hiding for, but the oncoming dusk seemed to trigger his slumbering hunger as he watched the slow descent of the sun in the horizon.

 His stomach growled as he curled tighter into a pitiful ball, his breath shuddering in the cool autumn air. He squeezed his eyes shut as the memory from earlier that afternoon threatened to overwhelm him. 

 ‘It was just an accident. Don’t dwell on it.’ He told himself as he rocked in place on the cold ground. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter until he can see nothing but stars, but even through all that, the nightmare of a memory replayed in his mind, choking out a small sob from him.

…

 Severus made his way down the corridor as he exited his DADA class, weaving swiftly among the throng of his fellow third years to escape from the blasted Marauders, whom he had unfortunately shared the class with. He could hear them a ways behind him, not so subtly asking around if anyone had seen “Snivellus”, and he picked up his pace. 

 Severus dodged the oncoming wave of students from the opposite direction, moving closer to the walls to blend in properly and avoid the hawk-like attention from his tormentors. It wasn’t that he couldn’t take them in a fight and give it his all. Far from it. Rather, he and Lily were supposed to meet immediately after class at their secret hideout, so he was leading the bastards away just in case they followed him.

 He slunk closer against the wall, getting lost in his daydreams of exactly what kind of activities that Lily had planned out for them that day, as it was her turn to pick. 

 ‘Swimming, maybe?’

 Severus’ lips curled instantly at the thought. He sincerely hoped not, because the last time they had both gone swimming, a particularly slimy tentacle had slithered against his thighs. The scream that he had let out was one that he couldn’t even recreate to this day. 

 ‘But if it’s what Lily wants…’ He squared his shoulders as he gained his resolve, ‘then I’ll do it.’

 And he would, wouldn’t he?

 Severus dodged under the arm of a gangling boy who was gesturing wildly as he was telling some tale or other to his friends, narrowly missing smacking Severus in the face. He turned and glared at the boy as he passed, said glare which had gone completely unnoticed by him. And so, just like how everything eventually went wrong in Severus’ life, the spectacular fashion in which he messed up this time was one for the history books.

His first mistake had been his looking back to glare at the taller boy. His second mistake was to knock over the rather cross suit of armour that had been wacking his fellow with a mace earlier that day for humming. His last mistake, however, had been making direct eye contact with none other than one Sirius Black himself. 

Severus saw the exact moment that Black’s hand reached for his wand, the fraction of a second the four boys’ eyes locked on to him, and felt the suit of armour nearly bowl him over as it stood, cursing all the while. 

As Severus staggered only a few steps toward his assailants in a desperate effort to regain his balance, a hex buzzed by his ear, singing off a lock of hair that briefly obscured his vision. His eyes closed reflexively as he heard someone cry out behind him as the hex seemed to have made its mark on an unintended target, and that was when the corridor descended into chaos. 

Several students now had their wands out, some of them casting a hasty Shield Charm, while others were using the rare opportunity to disobey school rules and cast spells in the corridor. Severus could just about hear The Marauders over the din, as they were now just a few steps away from his current position. He used the chaos as a chance to escape, swiftly making his way into the courtyard.

 He ducked behind the statue, his breath heaving as he held his own wand at the ready, waiting for the bastards to arrive. His eyes darted every which way as he observed his position, quickly realising that his hiding place was too open for him to be fully hidden. He cast a quick Concealment Charm on himself, and worked on slowing down his breathing.

As he felt the charm take form, Severus breathed as slowly as he could to calm his racing heart, the hammering of said organ making blood rush in his ears and drown out all sound in the area. A wild grin split his face as he crouched into a tighter ball, eager to get this fight over and done with, as he had learnt new jinxes and hexes that he wanted to try out, preferably on his bullies. 

Severus heard the obvious pounding of their feet on the stone pavement, having memorised each of his tormentors footsteps: Potter’s cocksure gait, Black’s pounding trample, Lupin’s hesitant footfall, and Pettigrew’s awkward shuffle. Severus squeezed his eyes closed as the memory of why he had started to learn peoples footsteps started to surface, but he shook his head violently, almost knocking it into the base of the statue next to him, to rid himself of such thoughts. It wouldn’t do him any good to dwell on the past now, as he had a mission to complete.

He looked around as best he could from his position, seeing that the other students had spilled out into the place, and were flooding the open corridors that led into the courtyard. He hadn’t risked standing to see the other side of the statue though, as The Menaces were on the other side of him, leaving him with a massive blind spot on that side. 

“Come out, come out, Snivellus. We promise we just want to talk to you.” Black jeered.

Severus coiled up as tight as a spring, as he readied himself to strike just as their backs were turned. He had memorised most of their attack patterns by now, after all, and knew that, as always, Potter would be the first to strike, followed closely by Black in a few seconds, while Lupin hung back to watch their backs without interfering, only to warn them of an unsuspecting attack; and Pettigrew looked out in case a teacher stumbled upon them.

Severus had planned out his attack all summer, trying out different ways that it could play out, and felt like he could finally put an end to his torment while embarrassing The Menaces in one fell swoop. He knew that if he was ever going to defeat them, he needed to use all of his Slytherin cunning and sneak his way to victory. He moved as cautiously as he could around the fountain to gain a better look at the bastards, inching as much as he could so as not to let his position slip even to the onlookers, as even the quickest of movements would cause the charm to fail.

Potter and Black were both on the opposite sides of each other, their backs facing the other as they searched every nook and cranny of the courtyard on their side for their quarry. Lupin was standing among the quickly gathering crowd, who were already placing their bets on who they thought would win this particular fight, with almost all of them betting on The Menaces. Pettigrew, on the other hand, was standing at the main entrance into the courtyard, fulfilling his duty as lookout.

Severus cast one final look around the space and, finding no sign of Lily from his position, moved to put his plan into action. From his position, he could still see that their backs were turned to him. Severus gulped anxiously as he reassessed his plan, knowing that just one wrong move, one miscalculation, could be the end of his genius plan. And so he waited.

Potter strutted towards the gathered crowd, riling them up to place their bets on his first strike, and Severus barely suppressed a groan of disgust.

'Can I get away with killing him?'

Severus' short-lived fantasy almost distracted him from his moment to strike, but he had regained his concentration just in time. He watched as Potter started to turn around, his gaze still on the cheering crowd.

'Come on, come on. There!'

Severus waited until Potter had tilted his head, in a poise to turn around, when he struck. The narrow gap between Potter's eye and glasses suddenly found itself to be the makeshift entrance for a nasty jinx.

"Conjunctivitis!".

The jinx slammed home, and Severus absolutely reveled in the agonised scream that tore itself out of his tormentors throat, ducking back into his hiding position before he could see the Pinkeye Jinx take effect. The boy had bent over as he screamed, and Severus could just hear Black’s shout of alarm as he ran over to his best friend. Severus rolled to the other side of the fountain just in time to avoid being detected by the harried boy, and casted another Concealment Charm on himself. Now within his line of sight, Severus hurried to move on to the next stage of his plan as he heard Black’s footsteps getting closer.

“Flippendo”. The Knockback Jinx slammed into Black’s chest so hard that he flipped, and Severus took that brief moment to enjoy the additional experimental flick of his wand that he had added to the spellwork.

Black landed hard on his back, coughing up a storm of gasping swears. Severus peeked over the fountain once more to see that Potter was trying to see through his swollen eyes and that Black was already straightening up.

He raised his wand and muttered a Sticking Charm that bound both Potter’s and Black’s backs together. The twin shouts from both boys broke through the loud chatter of the crowd, and Severus could just see them tumble to the floor in a heap of curses and thrashing. 

As the Concealment Charm had been completely undone now, Severus wasted no time in springing up from his position and moving away from the fountain to make some distance between himself and his enemies. Although his plan had seemed to be working, what he actually hadn’t counted on was for Lupin to act as fast as he did, undoing the charm in a few moments. Severus cursed under his breath as he took his new vantage point at another end of the courtyard, swearing again as he saw that he was being penned in by the jeering audience.

The next spell that he had prepared slammed into the ground where the boys had just been a few seconds ago, fizzling out as he glanced up hurriedly to take stock of his surroundings. Now separated, Potter and Black quickly rolled to the opposite sides of each other, making it difficult for Severus to target them both at once. Well, Severus had expected Potter to dodge, since he was the Gryffindor Seeker and all. But Black? Severus supposed his history of tomfoolery had paid off for him.

"Fight properly, you bastard!" Black spat at him. 

The crowd joined in on his taunt and started booing at Severus. He ignored them, and just in time, too, to see Potter raise his wand.

"Expel-".

“Duro!” The spell carved its way through the air and slammed into Potter’s glasses, instantly turning it to stone.

Severus watched as the boy howled in terror at the extra irritation to his eyes, but he didn’t have enough time to observe him more as he saw Black raise his wand in his periphery, spitting curses at him like a mad man. Severus palmed his wand in his sweaty hand as he timed the other boy’s attack, anxious to try out a move that he had been practising all that summer, all the while keeping an eye on Potter as he desperately tried to wrench off his glasses.

"Stupefy". And just as he had expected, Black’s signature spell arched towards Severus, and he deflected it with a well-timed flick of his wand back towards the boy. 

Severus saw the boy’s eyes widened in horror as his own spell raced back toward him, and tried to spin off to the side to avoid it, but that had only sought to leave his side unprotected as the spell jammed into his ribs, promptly knocking him out as he collapsed like a sack of rocks. 

“Expelliamus.” Both boys’ wands gently landed in Severus’ free hand as he closed his fingers around them, his disbelief at having fought this long not alleviated by the warm of the woods clutched in his grasp. 

Severus raised his eyes as he surveyed the damage around him, noticing that the crowd had gone strangely quiet. Aside from his harsh pants, the only other sound was the mewling cry of the Potter Menace. From his position, Severus could see that his audience was staring at him in varying degrees of shock and disbelief, whispering among themselves in askance. His pants sounded harshly in his own ears as he searched the crowd, looking for the other Menaces, hoping to see if his gamble on their cowardice had paid off.

Lupin was looking back and forth between his injured friends and Severus, wanting to help them but not knowing whether he himself would be attacked or not; and Pettigrew, as expected, was nowhere to be found, leaving the only opening out of the courtyard unguarded, allowing more students to spill in to see the commotion.

‘That imbecile! What if a teacher walks in here?’

But that had not really been his main worry as he searched the faces that he could see. Because for the first time in his life…

‘...I…I won. I WON!’

A grin broke out on his face at the thought, growing wider than he had ever allowed himself to indulge in. He searched the crowd for his best friend, to finally share his victory with her, but he didn’t get that far.

He had only looked away for a few moments, having been too drunk on his victory to notice that Lupin had moved toward Potter, or that his ragged cry had gone too silent. Severus spun in their direction just in time to see Potter shove Lupin away from him and grab his wand, murder plain on his face. 

‘...How will he aim when he can’t see?’

His question was answered in a wrathful cry:

“Diffindo!”

The spell went off in Severus’ general direction, and when it met an unsuspecting target…well, everything went sideways. 

Severus hadn’t even flinched as he watched the spell go wide, hitting someone in the crowd behind him, his grin never slipping. What made him alarmed, however, was when the Potter Menace set off another spell, apparently not caring about the consequences of his actions. And then it happened again.

There were screams coming from all around them now, and from what Severus could see as his victory crashed all around him, was a boy who had gone absolutely ballistic. There were screams coming from all around the enclosed space as students called for teachers and ran for their lives. Severus could hear them shoving at each other in the chaos around him, never once taking his eyes off the boy in front of him, who was now wrestling with Lupin for his wand.

Before Severus could even take a few steps back to escape from the madness, he saw Lupin get pushed off and accidentally grabbed Potter’s glasses in the process. The resulting roar that tore from his throat froze Severus in his tracks as he beheld the scene before him.

Potter was thrashing around now, more violently than before. The removal of his glasses had left behind a bleeding gash along both sides of his face, gashes which were spreading crimson down to match his House colours. It wasn’t even the sight of the boy himself that had made him freeze. No, it was the stark resemblance to something else that he longed to forget. Or rather…someone else.

The wrathful bellow was no symphony to his ears. The stench of fear vile in his nostrils. The taste of horror building up like bile in the back of his throat. Even the erratic thrashing was the same…but…

Where there was a wand held aloft was a bottle in its place. Where loyal friend lay, was the spectre of a terrified woman awaiting her demise.

 And as always, he was a spectator of a macabre unraveling of fate.

“You!” Even the Potter Menace’s voice even carried the same edge of danger, just of a different degree.

Potter had pried one of his swollen eyes open, and was glaring at him with all the intensity of a damaged pride. Severus lifted his wand listlessly to defend himself, but he just couldn’t muster up the courage to do so with the same willingness as he had earlier.

‘Right. I have to focus!’ But even as he thought that, his memories still persisted, briefly overlapping with the boy in front of him like the shutters of a Muggle camera.

‘I…I have to defend myself. I have to take care of this once and for all!’

Severus could feel his blood pounding in his temples as he concentrated on the other boy with all his might, not wanting to let a single move escape his notice. His hand shook as he tightened his grip around the wood, the ebony groaning under the increased pressure as its tip swayed in the midst of his self-doubt. But Severus was ready for him this time, despite his earlier distress, and he just knew that Potter will try to use Expelliamus on him again… or so he thought.

“Diffindo!”.

Severus’ mind went blank as only a single word registered in his brain:

‘...What?’

The spell blazed its way through the air toward him, the delicate arch of its tail trailing from the tip of his tormentor’s wand. The whole world had gone quiet, and in that moment, only he and his doom existed, the latter barreling ever closer to his own cheek. Time had slowed to a crawl as he watched helplessly and saw that no, the spell wasn’t aimed at his cheek, but rather at his eye. It was so close now that he swore that he could feel the cut already ripping his face open.

He vaguely heard a shrill scream just off to his side, and it must have been familiar, because that was what jump-started his brain, and Severus moved.

His wand arm seemed to have a mind of its own as it curved through the air and caught the spell, narrowly avoiding his eye. The spell knocked into his wand as he fought to control its direction, only managing to redirect it to the right at the last moment.

Severus heard a thump and a strangled scream as the fog in his brain started to clear, but remained frozen in place as his surroundings started to regain their lost character. 

He could hear the receding echo of of the student stampede, and could even smell the infernal burn of the spell that had nearly taken out his eye, so strong that he could just taste it. 

His eyes slid over his attacker's form, whom he idly noticed was staring at a spot that Severus couldn’t see, and oddly enough, so was Lupin. Severus turned to regard the object of their sole attention, and in the midst of his world regaining its vibrance, a fog of murky grey rolled across its landscape. 

Severus' eyes trailed down an arm that seemed to cradle a face, the liquid trail of vermilion flowing down an elbow, falling unto a robe and disappearing within. The person's legs spasmed to reveal a skirt, and a pair of shoes that he was undoubtedly familiar with.

'...Oh.'

There was no reluctance in his demeanor as his eyes pitched upward, past the other arm now bracing her figure against the ground, and up to where his gaze had initially landed, just below an arm, and just where he could see severed strands dusting the front of her robe. And with his dulled emotions, he had no qualms looking up the rest of the way.

Fiery hair framed a bloody visage, the welling pool of crimson dripping from between her fingers. The girl's lips hung open, harsh pants making their way past teeth clenched in pain. And as for her eyes...

Emeralds held a note of abject terror, the usual glee in them snuffed out in favour of a more suitable emotion. Every ounce of muscle in her body was coiled up like spring, ready to launch at a moments notice, but that hadn’t been what had truly killed Severus inside. No, it was something else entirely. 

He recognised the posture in the curl of her body, how her free hand now sought purchase on the floor, her nails digging into stone. Severus could swear that he had seen this scene before, but he had never hurt her before, had he?

She was staring at a spot above his head, and he quickly realised what he was doing through the haze in his mind.

'Ah...that's right.'

Revulsion rose from the pit of his stomach as the situation became clear to him. The girl was staring at his wand, his arm holding it raised above his head. And with the way the girl was cowering before him now, the urge to vomit was not so far off either.

Even though Severus had compared the man to the Potter Menace before, he now realised that he himself had perfectly emulated said man's actions. Severus could see it in his own stance; the raised object, and even the terrified form at his feet. A harsh truth slammed into Severus then, one that he had seen coming from a mile away:

That he was his father's son.

"I- I didn't mean-"

A hex slammed into his cheek, the force of it making his eyes water immediately, but he couldn’t pay it any mind as he crashed onto the stone pavement. His eyes immediately followed the direction from which the hex had come, and found Pettigrew there, his eyes alight with glee. Severus’ mind, however, could not seem to comprehend that it was the cowardly boy who had attacked him and his gaze found the girl’s once more.

He gazed up at the girl as if she had been the one to hex him, but the truth was, even as his eye started to swell over, narrowing his view in his right eye, the way she had looked at him hurt more than any hex The Marauders could have thrown at him.

Severus did not even realise that he had gotten to his feet and broken out into a run, hadn’t even noticed that he had shoved several people out of his way in his escape, as a memory he had long forgotten played in his mind:

Severus’ frail body fighting to rise as the blood from his forehead wound poured into his eye, tainting everything in his field of vision red. His father standing over his mother, chest heaving, a brandy bottle in his hand. His mother’s thin form sprawled on the dirty wooden floor. The bottle being raised, and a look of absolute terror in his mother’s eyes. And everything going dark before the bottle met its mark…

The girl had stared at him like that.

Lily had stared at him like that.

Tears blurred his vision as his feet pounded the sandstone floor, headed to parts unknown.

...

Severus hiccuped as fresh tears flooded his eye, hurriedly wiping them away and yelping when his fingers accidentally poked at his swollen eye. That made more tears flow down his cheeks, making him brush them away much faster and irritating his eye even more until he gave up. He just sat there, miserable and hungry, watching the sun set on such an awful day, which was exactly why he never heard the soft footsteps approaching him.

A hand clamped down firmly onto his shoulder, the tip of its thumbnail brushing across the back of his neck, the action making the hair on his nape rise on end. His breath froze as his vision suddenly tunneled. And before the owner of the hand could even react, Severus had twisted out from under their touch, knocked them down, and whipped out his wand all at once. Only then did he turn around to face his assailant.

Lily Evans laid there on the cold ground, having been forced down to the ground as a result of his actions once more, and on the same day no less. The scant few hours that had gone by between both events now seemed to overlap to Severus as, once again, he was standing over his best friend with his wand raised and pointed at her. His wand slipped from his hand as he opened his mouth in horror.

"Lils! I didn't mean-" he exclaimed as he rushed toward her, but his actions had proven to be too much for his friend, as she flinched back from his touch.

Severus stopped dead in his tracks, his arms still outstretched before him in his aborted mission. Lily Evans was staring at him as if she'd never seen him before, and that was what finally broke him.

Severus collapsed to ground and sobbed, his heart clenching as he let his hurt out into the world. His fingers dug into the grass below him, his nails digging into the hard earth. His breath heaved in his chest as he fought not to cry, but the more he tried to suppress it, the harder he cried.

Then came a warm touch, tentative at first, patting his back in a soothing manner. The touch was followed by a gentle voice, which whispered soothing words to him, though they were lost in the depths of his own misery. 

But it was there, and that was all that mattered.

Severus' sobs slowly petered out, his breaths coming out as shudders until he could blink through the remaining tears. He took deep breaths as Lily’s touch grounded him, and he could finally hear her words.

"That's it, Sev. Breathe, just breathe..."

He shut his eyes as the familiar words washed over him, though this time, they had come from Lily instead. He firmly tamped down on the memory that tried to resurface, and took a deep breath as he forced out the words that he had wanted to say to her earlier.

"I never meant to do that, I swear! If- if I'd known that you were there... I didn't see you. I swear I never saw you there! If I had... if I had..." He cut himself off as he swallowed the rest of his excuses.

"I'm sorry, Lils. I'm sorry."

Her warm hand was now rubbing circles on his back, though she was still silent. Severus had grown tense with anticipation, waiting for the next words that would end their short-lived friendship.

"Well," she voiced as if testing out her words, making Severus tense further, "your hair is a bit too long." She finished, and he could sense movement from her, just knowing that she had cocked her head to the side as she contemplated, just as she was wont to do. 

Severus didn’t even dare to look her in the eyes again, lest he find something there that would break him further, and wreck their already fragile friendship into something beyond repair. Instead, he just satisfied himself with staring down at his dirt-caked fingers, letting his long hair cover his eyes.

“All right then, don’t move.” Lily moved behind him and Severus turned to watch her curiously.

“Wha-”

“I said don’t move. Honestly.”

Lily spun him by his shoulders to face forward again. Though curious, Severus didn’t try to look back again, in fear of upsetting her more than he already had. His stomach sank with guilt as thought back to earlier that day, bile rising in his throat. He forcefully swallowed whatever sick he was about to spew out, and nearly choked at what happened next.

Lily was gathering his hair gently at the nape of his neck, her deft fingers moving swiftly in her work. Severus couldn’t see her face, but he could guess that she was probably frowning in concentration, as she was wont to do when she was heavily invested in whatever task at hand. He stayed as still as he could manage, not even daring to breathe too deeply lest he disturb her work.

The fingers that threaded through his hair felt heavenly against his scalp, and he unconsciously leaned into the touch. He closed his eyes as he was lost in the memory of his mother’s bony fingers doing the same when he had been much younger, but that had been a mistake.

 His daydream took a drastic turn as the lingering dredges of his constantly simmering terror returned, and with it, the dread of facing the man that he called father, souring his mood with their negativity.

“There. All done now.”

Severus’ eyes snapped open at the oddly cheery tone that didn’t match his mood interrupting his dour thoughts, and belatedly realised where he was. Whom he was with.

Except for his swollen eye, his vision was now unobscured by his hair, the thin strands having been pulled into a low ponytail on his back. He reached behind him as he felt his hair, which were now soft to the touch. He reached higher as he felt some kind of knot that hadn’t been there before, and warm hands grabbed his before he could tug at it.

“Careful! Don’t ruin it already!”

Severus looked down at their joined hands, stupefied by the fact that she was still holding on to his. He hiccuped as he fought back the fresh wave of tears that fought to break through his shattered composure, and he felt Lily squeeze his hand gently in reassurance, finally forcing himself to look up at her. 

Lily’s pleasant face was stretched into a radiant smile, her loose hair framing her face into a halo of divinity. Her eyes shone with fondness, and just a hint of concern, though she hid it well, no doubt incredibly worried for her friend.

And as the sun finally set behind her, the brilliant shades of purple highlighted her vivid red hair, the hue itself becoming more beautiful the longer he watched her in wonder.

"Come," she said as she tugged him up, "let's have Madam Pomfery take a look at you. She'd already fixed me up earlier."

Severus got up as he followed her, his hand still clasped firmly in hers, as her wand lit up the paths to their destination. 

All the while trying to decipher the strange, new feeling in his chest.

…

 “What took you so long?”

 Her words echoed in time with the palpitations of his heart, the vibrations setting his nerves alight with shame. Severus should have known that things rarely went well for him, if ever at all. The earlier racket should have clued him in, a reminder of the curse he called his life, but no, he had been too optimistic to think that his distancing himself from his haunter could have borne any fruit. 

Severus’ rage-filled eyes cut across the spot where the filth laid, his limbs akimbo and his dreadful hellcat by his side. Severus’ hand twitched as his wand creaked in his grip, the Killing Curse right at the tip of his tongue. He might have actually cast the Curse, if it weren’t for the trembling digits that had just then grasped onto his outstretched hand, the broken nails digging into his palm to ground him.

 The rush of blood pounding in his head slowed to a steady stream of anxiety flooding his brain. A steady litany of curses swirled in the whirlpool of his thoughts, dripping down into unfathomable rage until not a single one was left as his Occlumency took effect.

 He pulled her gently to her feet, careful not to jostle her too much in case she was injured elsewhere. He guided her to his favourite armchair, setting her down gently onto the worn cushions. He heard her sigh quietly in relief as her body finally got the reprieve it had no doubt been begging for, as she closed her eyes in bliss. He stepped back immediately after, mentally berating himself and bemoaning the fact that his steadfast mission of avoidance had been thoroughly derailed.

 ‘No, wait. Perhaps I can still salvage this situation, somehow. Right, damage control should be minimal at best, but…’ Severus frowned to himself as he looked the girl over.

 He’d known, of course, of her nightly escapades roaming the castle, even though he had expressly warned her not to wander around at night. He hadn’t been worried though, as Dumbledore had long since relocated the Mirror, the preparations to protect the Philosopher's Stone complete. But therein lied another problem all together. He knew that the girl had been alone in her search during the holidays, but what about now?

‘Where were her friends?’

Severus sighed wearily as he rubbed his hand roughly down his face, the beginning of a migraine already pricking behind his eyelids.

‘I really shouldn’t have drunk so much tonight.’ Not paying any attention to where he was going, he stepped back, accidentally jarring her leg.

An anguished scream ripped from her throat as her eyes flew open, her body shooting upright towards him. The act itself surprised Severus so much that he ended up stumbling back a few steps away from her, feeling the backs of his knees slam into the other chair facing hers.

His chest heaved as his heart raced, his heart pounding as his blood pumped furiously in his veins in anticipation of an attack, although none came. Instead, there was a young girl sobbing in front of him, her body doubled over as she clutched at her clearly injured foot. Severus felt shame overwhelm him as he stared at her for a moment too long, and immediately rushed to her side to examine her injury.

He somehow managed to get her to relinquish her injury into his care, uttering words that were no doubt nonsense even to his own ears. But his words coaxed her to slowly sit up straight, though her posture was still far from being relaxed.

Severus stole a quick glance at her, noting that although her eyes were tight with pain, there was still a hint of trust in them, which was what urged him to banish her shoe to the side. And what he saw was beyond what he had been expecting. 

It was a gnarly sight, the wound itself so deep that he could see a hint of bone peeking out from within. The ankle was a swollen mess of blood and grime, the cut fresh and now bleeding unto his fingers. 

He watched as the blood pooled onto his fingers, the digits flexing as the newfound warmth familiarised itself with his skin. His fingers subconsciously dug slightly into the flesh around the wound, making more of the crimson fluid drip down into his palm.

Just like her hair had done that Christmas night.

A sharp hiss from above him snapped his attention back to the situation at hand, making him curse at himself under his breath, his voice of reason screaming at him in his own mind.

'What the hell was I thinking of now? The girl is injured for goodness sake!' Although, that was not the only thing wrong with thus entire situation.

Severus bit the inside of his cheek as a cast several basic diagnostic charms to determine the extent of her current injuries, not even needing to fully concentrate on the spells themselves as their casting was second nature to him by now. The fact that he was now treating someone else (someone whom he had no business having in his quarters at this time of the night) didn't change the necessity of his actions themselves, and he firmly shoved the loud whispers to the back of his mind, focusing on the task at hand.

Various potions came dancing out of his private storeroom as the results from the charms came back, and fortunately for her (and him, his traitorous mind whispered) only the wound on her foot was the most severe one, followed by the pain in her back, and the exhaustion, which he had been expecting. He threw in a child's dose of Calming Draught for good measure, one he hoped would be sufficient enough to get the bastard off her mind.

Severus' hand froze where he was just administering the last few drops of Dittany as his lips curled in disgust.

'Ah, yes. I almost forgot about him.'

He waved his wand again and a tea set settled onto the table next to them, the kettle already pouring a fresh pot of tea on a floating teacup. He spared her another glance and saw that she was watching the display in amazement. 

'Good. Now for the hard part...'

He got up smoothly and uncorked the bottle of Calming Drought, pouring it directly into her cup. He handed it over to her, about to explain that the tea would dilute the bitter taste, but was surprised that she took it readily from him and sip from its contents. The girl scrunched up her face in disgust, although Severus noticed that her shoulders were already drooping from their previously tensed state.

Severus waited until she had drunk half of the tea, and finally fully relaxed in her seat before making his announcement.

"Wait here, Miss Potter. I'll be back shortly."

He spun on his heels, his robes flapping behind him as he made his exit, only for said cloak to snag on to something else. He bit back a groan in exasperation, reaching back to remove his attire from its constraints, and stopped just shy of doing so. He heard the chair below him creak as its inhabitant jerked in her seat, no doubt from his own sudden movements, and he instinctively looked down at her to check. 

Potter was holding firmly on to his robes, her grip on the hem so tight that, had the material not been enchanted, it would have formed serrated rips on its surface. Bright green eyes were gazing up at him in curiosity, her head cocked to the side as she silently observed him from below.

Severus swallowed thickly as his throat suddenly went dry, the stark resemblance between mother and daughter making his mind go blank. Who knows how long he might have actually stayed there, staring at her, had she not spoken.

"Wh-where are you going, professor?" She stuttered, her gaze imploring him to give her an answer.

Her voice was what kick-started his brain to think about the current situation again because...

Their voices are different.

'...What are you doing, Severus?'

Suddenly the room felt too stuffy, the air clogged with the scent of blood and rose oil, both out of place in the one place he had to retreat. Away from everyone.

...Away from her.

Severus tugged a bit too harshly at his robes, the girl's arm snapping back as the garment was ripped from her fingers. But Severus did not relent, as he repeated in the quiet voice that he had always reserved for speaking to the Gryffindors.

"I said wait here, Miss Potter. I will be back shortly."

Severus didn’t turn back around to see what reaction his words had garnered, and swiftly went out to the corridor, shutting the door firmly behind him.

...

Severus inhaled sharply as the door closed behind him, the air suddenly flowing better into his lungs in the dark. His eyes had slipped shut as he calmed himself, the habit ingrained in him slipping through the cracks of his crumbling walls.

'Breathe. Just breathe, Sev.'

He opened his eyes slowly as he took the last deep breath just as he had always practiced, and frowned upon thinking about those words.

'Right. I had been dreaming before this whole racket had woken me up. What was the dream about again?'

Before he could delve into his memories however, there was a groan at his feet that snapped him back to attention.

Severus could just see Filch twitching as the beginnings of consciousness came to his limbs. The cat by his side was still knocked out cold, but even Severus could tell that his spell was quickly wearing off, so he must act quickly. He knew that, but...

'Must I?'

Severus felt his wand slip smoothly into his hand in answer to his dark thoughts, the ebony warming up in anticipation of its original purpose. The wand pulsed with power, the warmth a recollection of a time that Severus had used it, and used it well. He walked slowly toward the downed man, each step deliberate with intent, never faltering on their way to their destination, casting a wordless Silencio as he did. His other hand came up as he walked, twirling the other end of his wand loosely between his fingers, in a habit he had long since thought rid of. An avalanche of terrible thoughts assaulted his mind, each one more horrible than the last, of what he could do to make the man suffer, to make him regret ever laying his hand on his charge. 

Different coloured sparks spouted from the wand as his thoughts grew more violent, the chaotic kaleidoscope of colours lighting up the hall as his thoughts rode the wave of boiling rage that had settled into his very being. And for the first time in a long while, Severus allowed his emotions to take charge of him. Allowed himself to feel them. 

The reds crackled and popped as his rage took hold, his steps carrying him towards the fallen body of the bastard.

The blues were muted, the sorrow of his failure to protect dull and encompassing.

The greys bellied his confusion, the jumble of emotions each seeking dominance over the other. 

And as for the last colour...

The green overtook the others, it's singular hue overcoming them until only itself remained, its presence dominant and uncontested in the battle of emotions that flowed through him.

Severus brought his wand down to his side as he finally came upon his prey, the sparks now a steady, glowing pulse of murderous intent. He stood there, his gaze never wavering from the cur who had dared to lay his hand on the girl...and waited. He could just see the last vestiges of unconsciousness leaving the man as his eyes blinked open. 

He waited patiently as the man’s eyes registered the form standing over him, trying to see through the dark at the face above, but all that seemed to be promptly forgotten as his eyes zeroed in on the wand above his face. 

Severus watched as Filch’s eyes widened with terror, his mouth quivering as he beheld the all too familiar colour as the beckoning spell danced within his personal space. And yes, anyone who had survived the Wizarding War could recognise the curse for what it was:

The Killing Curse.

“P-please. Please don’t kill me. I’m begging you. Please! PLEASE!” Filch pleaded as his voice rose steadily the more desperate he became.

But Severus said nothing, knowing that no one but him would hear the other man’s pleas. No one would bear witness to Filch’s final moment, as there were no portraits or suits of armour within the vicinity of his chambers that could report his crime. The halls of Hogwarts had long since kept many secrets…

They could keep one more.

“Avada -”

Filch threw his arms up in an attempt to ward off the curse, the futility of the act almost making Severus chuckle darkly as he committed his first murder in ten years. But the curse never came. No, what had stopped Severus from completing his revenge came in the form of a small innocent hairband, one that he had seen way too many times to mistake as something else. 

It was tattered, it seemed, its green colour having gone brown with grime from when the other man had no doubt grabbed her hair. He could see a few strands that had been ripped out as well, tangled in Filch’s fingers, making Severus see red.

“Hand that over to me. Now!”

 Filch simpered as he hastily handed over the hairband, the sweat from his palms on the item making Severus curl his lips in disgust. He pocketed the hairband and refocused his attention on the matter at hand, his previous goal being called into question now that his mind was clearer.

 ‘Right, I shouldn’t kill him. Not yet, at least. There might not be anything left in this part of the castle to spy on me, but there are portraits and who knows what else that might have seen them coming here. Not to mention, all the investigation that might occur later. But still…’

 Severus wanted him to go through what the girl had, wanted him to feel the same helplessness that she had no doubt been subjected to in who knows how long he had been terrorising her that night, even if killing him would be impossible.

 ‘For now!’

 Severus took a moment to contemplate his next course of actions, his dark eyes full of loathing never straying from the man on the floor, who had now curled up into a pathetic ball. 

 ‘I need to Obliviate him, but I also need something that would stick long after his memory has been erased of this event, but what?’

 Severus’ eyes widened in triumph as the enchantment suddenly came to him, the idea popping up like it had been waiting for this particular moment to present itself. Right, such a curse existed, even though he had never being truly adept at it, given that it was more Bellatrix’s style.

 ‘Well, no matter.’

 He made a quick sweep of his wand to check for any intruders and, not finding any, pointed the wand lower at Filch’s chest, the green colour changing to another as he whispered.

 “Crucio.”

…

 Severus finally came upon the door to his chambers, his hand hovering over the handle with a hesitation he had long been contemplating. He had forced his Occlumency Shields back into place, and had suddenly felt the weight of the evening crashing down on his shoulders.

 He had nearly killed a man, nearly broke the oath he had sworn not to break, all for the sake of one person. Even yet, he still didn’t feel guilty that he had come too close to unraveling everything that he had worked so hard for. Rather, he only felt guilty that he had failed to carry out a proper punishment befitting the transgression that Filch had dared to commit.

 Severus’ hand came down hard on the handle, his fingers gripping the brass so hard that it creaked.

 ‘I just need to get some much needed sleep, but I can’t, can I?’

 He thought back to the girl that he had left in his living room to go out on his own. Alone, scared, and no doubt waiting for answers from him. He took a deep breath forcefully calming himself as his shoulders sagged wearily.

 Severus suddenly felt very, very tired.

With a tired sigh, he steeled himself and pushed the door open.

 Harriet Potter stood just beyond the reach of the door, her eyes red and wet with her shed tears. She hiccuped as she saw him, fresh tears flowing down her face.

 ‘Shit.’

 Severus immediately moved towards her, urging her to retake her seat as she babbled on about how sorry she was to be out of bed after curfew, her voice growing more hysterical the longer he remained silent. He finally waved his wand as the both sat, summoning a stronger dose of Calming Draught and pouring out more tea for her.

 They sat there in silence, the girl sipping her tea, and Severus trying not to make the atmosphere awkward and just summoned a post from the Daily Prophet to read. The silence stretched on, and Severus was just waiting for the right moment to bid the girl return to her dorm when she spoke.

 “Is it true what he’d said, professor?”

 Severus frowned, the pages crumpling in his grasp as he folded the newspaper to look at her. “What who said?”

 Potter was staring into her cup, swirling its contents and nervously tapping her fingers on the rim. She still kept her eyes down as she spoke, seeming to draw courage from her tea.

 “Filch. He said that-that because I hurt Mrs Norris, he was going to hurt me back…be-because he loves her.” She hesitantly glanced up at him, and quickly cast her eyes downward again.

 Severus forced himself not to react to the name of the bastard for who knows how many times now, and instead focused on what the girl was saying.

 “Did you do something to the cat?”

“N-no, sir! I never- it was an accident-”

 He held up a hand to stop the girl before she could start babbling again, not having the mental capacity to withstand another one so soon. He leaned forward as he steepled his hands in front of him, making sure to maintain eye contact with the girl as he did so.

 “Listen to me carefully, Miss Potter. Under no circumstances, and I mean none whatsoever, should someone deign to lay a hand on you for any reason. No matter who it is, no one should have that right, understand?” he answered firmly.

 “But-but he only did that because he loved her, didn’t he?”

 Severus took a moment to digest her words, and thought back to how he had almost killed Filch tonight, how he had nearly killed him for her, and let out a weary sigh. The girl’s words rang true, love did make one do the most inconceivable things. And wasn’t it his love for her mother that made him so loyal, so dedicated to a cause that only seemed to drag him down to an abyss, to seek his mental ruin? But still… the girl didn’t need to know about that kind of dedication, not yet, at least. She was too young for that.

 His voice took a much softer tone, the words easily carrying in the short distance between them. “Perhaps. But know this, Miss Potter: love shouldn’t be a reason why someone hurts you.”

 Potter’s eyes widened at that, he mouth opening and closing in surprise. His words had undoubtedly taken her unawares, but why? Severus was about to ask when she spoke again.

 “I-is that what you think love is, sir?”

 Severus froze in his seat, his thoughts coming in a jumble of words that had no meaning, until a single question took form in his mind.

 ‘What do I think love is anyway?’

 So many thoughts went through his mind, so many ideas churned in his brain as her words echoed in the privacy of his own head. The endless possibilities of answers that he could give her swirled endlessly until he was left with nothing and everything all at once. 

 ‘…I don’t know.’

 Severus had never known what true parental love was, given that his mother had barely raised him herself, and his father was…who he was. The only form of love he was familiar with was the one he’d had for Lily Evans, which had gone sour, and that was wholly inappropriate to talk to a child about, a child who was asking about parental love.

Severus lifted his gaze to hers as he contemplated the question, the sight of green eyes wanting to make him pour out all of his thoughts to her, thinking that maybe she could help him make sense of them. But something made him withhold his thoughts, the same thing that always stood out whenever he looked at her.

 She was not lily Evans.

 But he couldn’t give her his answer, one that was entirely shameful to admit. Not to the daughter of his late best friend.

 Not when his memory of Lily would be tainted to by the events of that night.

 ...And not to the one who bore James Potter’s face.

 “I think… that it is quite late, Miss Potter.” He managed instead as he stood, his voice suddenly firm in the midst of the previously comfortable atmosphere. He had finally reached his mental and social capacity for the night, and he only wanted to be alone now and sort out his own thoughts, and then get some much needed rest before his hangover truly wrecked him beyond repair.

 He saw the girl’s face fall in disappointment, and she hurriedly put on her now clean and mended shoe and sock. She stood awkwardly in front of him and bid him good night, quietly making her way to the door.

 “Please, wait, Miss Potter.” Severus called out to her, and he saw her spin around with a look so hopeful that it made his heart clench. He couldn’t allow her to walk back to the dorms like that alone, not when Filch was out and about.

 “You’ll be using the Floo to head back.” Her hopeful look vanished as he beckoned her to his fireplace, while giving her a brief explanation of how the Floo Network worked.

 Severus could no longer bare to look her in the face as he activated the Floo, too exhausted to see a face that bore his late tormentor’s visage, and even the soulful green eyes were too painful to withhold.

 ...And yet.

Severus watched the green flames consume her, he knew that he will never let go of Lily’s memory. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the hairband that he had liberated from the fool earlier, gently plucking off the strands of hair entangled on its surface. He opened his journal and gently laid them within, all the while cursing at his weakness.

 ‘Just this once.’