Chapter 7
By the end of the weekend, Ron had managed to confirm with Fred and George that they had given Ginny the ritual information during summer break. Going further than asked, the twins had even sent them proof of Ginny and Lavender planning during the summer holiday. The two had been going back and forth through letters for several weeks before the start of term and Ginny was stupid enough to not get rid of the evidence.
With all of that knowledge, the moment Madam Pomfrey released Ron, the three of them made the trek to Dumbledore’s office. Harry was a bit surprised that Ron would be wiling to go to such efforts to see his own sister punished, but Ron claiming that Harry was his brother and deserved the same justice he did had him not fighting it.
Unsurprisingly, Dumbledore moved fast. Lavender Brown was officially expelled from Hogwarts. Ginny’s offense wasn’t seen as anywhere near as bad as Lavender’s, so she got off with three months of detentions with Filch and suspension from Quidditch for the rest of the year. Naturally, the team was upset, but once Harry and Ron explained what happened, they fully supported the decision. Due to the tryouts, they knew Dean Thomas could make a decent chaser, so they were able to replace Ginny easily.
Ginny took to avoiding them as though her life depended on it, which none of them complained about, especially when the howler from Mrs. Weasley arrived one morning during breakfast. Due to the nature of the transgression, Dumbledore had seen it fit to inform Ginny’s parents and Molly was far from happy. The howler ended with an invite to Christmas for Harry, Molly wanting to make sure he knew he was always welcome with them, even if her daughter was a dolt. No mention of Snape was made, so Harry felt it was safe to assume Molly didn’t know. He found it difficult to believe she wouldn’t have made a comment had she otherwise.
Though Harry had attempted to make good on his decision to get closer to Snape, the professor refused to cooperate. Every single time Harry made a move to stay after class or seek him out, Snape somehow evaded him. It was driving him crazy. He had been so sure that, after the incident in the hospital wing, they had come to an understanding. Snape had allowed Harry to hug him and didn’t push him away. Snape had even let Hermione see him be soft with Harry, which was far more than he ever expected from the professor. It all left him feeling constantly confused, which he knew Snape was aware of.
As the best friend Ron was, even though he didn’t fully understand, he did his best to help, coming up with excuses to get Snape over to their table during potions or finding ways to get Snape to speak with Harry. Ron seemed to understand Harry’s wish for the soulbond to stay a secret from the school. He had been fortunate that Ginny hadn’t went around to spark back up the rumors and he was aware he wouldn’t be lucky forever, but he was trying to find a common ground with Snape before that happened.
Ron’s attempts hadn’t gone unnoticed. As it became a weekly thing, both during the morning sessions and the afternoon, Malfoy had started claiming that Ron was under another love potion, but this time for Snape. When his accusations were met with silence and no punishments from the professor, Malfoy made the comments even more frequently, going so far as to accuse Ron of purposefully dosing himself and being a love potion addict. Naturally, Hermione wasted no time in correcting the Slytherin with the fact that there was no love potion currently in existence that was made with any ingredients that could be addictive. In a rare show of approval, Snape had quietly gave Gryffindor ten points for Hermione having such extensive knowledge of the matter.
Harry and Ron understood her need to know, however. Hermione refused to let the two of them eat anything given to them without first running several detection charms to check for anything from love potions to poison. She even checked the food served in the great hall. She was convinced someone would try something else and was determined to keep it from happening. One night before bed, Ron had whispered to Harry that he suspected she was going to gift them something for Christmas that would make it easier to detect those things without the need for all the charms. It would save so much time during meals if that was the case. Harry was actually secretly hopeful for it. The show Hermione made of it each meal had grown to be embarrassing, not that he wasn’t thankful to have her watching over him.
The nightmares stayed mostly at bay throughout the month that followed Halloween. Mostly. Halfway through the month, Harry woke to a rough one and went straight back to the abandoned corridor with the window. He kept his ears focused for the sound of footsteps and when an hour passed without Snape showing, he tried to stamp down the disappointment, not wanting Snape to feel it through the bond.
Even when Snape had been trying to offer space, he still came when Harry had a nightmare. Harry felt alone. Abandoned. He hated how Snape had managed to offer him more comfort than anyone ever had and then took it away as if it didn’t matter. Looking out the window, he sighed. Maybe it hadn’t. Not to Snape. Maybe the soulmate thing had confused his feelings and he had just been doing what the bond wanted. Maybe he realized it and that was why he was staying away.
After another hour of being alone, Harry stood with a shiver and slowly walked back to Gryffindor tower in a daze. Before the end of November, Harry had several more nightmares and each time, the hope that Snape would meet him at that window died more and more.
It was the last Friday of November when the news came. Harry and his friends were eating lunch in the great hall in between sessions of potions when the dark brown owl arrived, dropping a letter onto the table in front of him. He froze when he recognized the handwriting on the front of it. He set down his food and pushed away his plate. He could hear his friends asking him about it, but he ignored them.
As though it was an explosive waiting to be set off with the smallest of touches, Harry gingerly reached out for the letter. Opening it, he found a small letter from Aunt Petunia. Harry read it once. Then reread it. He read it a third time to make sure the words wouldn’t change and when they didn’t, he stood, crumbling the letter in his fist as he left the great hall and went straight to the closest lavatory. He locked and warded the door, making sure no one could enter nor hear any sound from it.
Harry went to the nearest stall and bent over the toilet, throwing up everything in his stomach before curling up on the ground and staring off into space. He didn’t want to go back. He never went back for the Christmas holidays, but he was being requested to. And he knew, Harry knew for a fact, that if he ignored the request, the next summer would be even worse than this past one.
There was a charity event, one that Vernon’s job was hosting. One for families with children that had mental deficiencies. They wanted him back to fit the part of a disturbed child and all the attention it would give them.
He knew Dumbledore wouldn’t help him. With Snape ignoring him, he knew there would be no help there. He sighed and sat back up. Potions had probably already started. He stood and used a freshening charm on his mouth. He washed his face at the sink. Looking at himself in the mirror, he decided he would just steer clear of Snape until after the holiday break. The stress from wondering about the professor was too much on top of having to prepare for the break itself.
When he walked into the potions classroom, Harry kept his head down. The room was silent except for the regular sounds of potions being made. Harry went straight to the table he always sat at. Hermione and Ron both gave him concerned looks, but he just shook his head at them. He wasn’t going to explain to them what happened. They would try to fight for him to stay and it would give him hope and it would end up being for nothing. They respected his wish for silence and left him alone for the duration of the class.
As Harry turned to grab the last ingredient for his potion, he heard a splash and a small explosion. Quickly turning back to his cauldron, he saw that the purple color was now a lime green with smoke coming out of it. From the corner of his eye, he could see Malfoy smirking. That was enough for Harry to figure out that Malfoy had thrown something into his cauldron.
Harry had worked hard that term. Other than the initial class when he had accidentally cut himself, he had been the perfect student. No accidents, no botched potions or ingredients. He was aware that was most likely why Malfoy did it. He always hated it when Harry was doing well in his classes. The Slytherin usually messed with him and tried to make him break. Normally, he ignored it. Normally, he didn’t let it bother him. Normally.
Maybe it was the fact that Snape had ignored him for weeks. Maybe it was the fact that he had found out about going back to the Dursley’s for Christmas just a few hours prior. Maybe it was finally the pressure of dealing with Voldemort and everything that came with it.
Without looking around him, without hesitation, Harry grabbed the cauldron and pushed it hard, making it fall from the table. The whole class gasped and moved back as one, except for Harry, who just stood in place breathing hard.
“Potter! What do you think you are doing?!” Snape stomped over, waving his wand to clean up the mess that had splattered the floor and the surrounding items.
Harry didn’t even look up at the professor as he angrily approached the other side of his table. “Fuck off, Snape.”
“Fifty points from Gryffindor.” Without deciding to consciously, Harry pushed the table hard, shoving it in Snape’s direction and forcing him to take a few steps back. Snape hit the table with both of his fists. “One hundred points then, Potter, and detention after dinner.”
He raised his eyes to meet Snape’s angry ones. Without a word, Harry grabbed his bag and walked out, making sure the door slammed behind him.
Not wanting to be found, he went to one of the secret passageways that wasn’t even on the Marauder’s Map. Harry walked down it a decent way so that no sound from the corridor could reach him and he curled up on the floor, using his arm as a pillow.
Harry was angry. He was frustrated. He was terrified. He felt abandoned. Alone.
The hours went by. Dinner passed. Harry didn’t move. The time Snape most certainly expected him arrived. He curled up tighter. What was the point? What was the point of anything?
He stayed in the same spot until eventually his eyes grew heavy. When he woke up later, he was breathing hard. Harry’s dreams featured being locked in the cupboard again. The tiny bit of comfort he’d taken from the passageway disappeared in the wake of the nightmare and he stood, wanting to be somewhere much more open.
A tempus charm told him it was past one in the morning. Harry grabbed his bag and walked out, opening the portrait the passageway hid behind slowly to make sure the corridor was empty. Sure that he was in the clear, he snuck through the school to go outside.
Harry went straight to the tree, curling back up in the grass at the base of it. The air was chilly, but he ignored it, wrapping his arms around himself. He quickly fell asleep. This time, the nightmare started over at the beginning of the worst day of his summer.
~-~-~-~-~
Severus was tired. He was exhausted. He felt guilty.
The morning he’d woken up to that river of black and red alarms, the fear he had felt was something he had not known for years. Until Severus had laid eyes on Potter, he was terrified that something had happened to him.
Potter being in danger wasn’t something he was not accustomed to. Something inevitably happened every year. Severus didn’t know why he had grown to care more, if it was authentic or something caused from the newly awakened bond, but he did not like the vulnerability he felt in that.
He had noticed the boy’s attempts to engage him. How could he not? Severus felt wrong ignoring him. Especially when the river became the darker blue of sad rather than the brighter blue of calm that had Severus relaxed anytime he noticed it. As the weeks went on, and not even Weasley’s attempts to assist with Potter getting his attention worked, that blue grew darker and darker. Originally, through the dark blue, streaks of color would still appear. Amusement and frustration. Annoyance and confidence. But as November wore on, the different colored streaks disappeared, leaving only the sadness.
Severus hated it, but it was necessary. At any point, the Dark Lord could summon him or peak into Potter’s mind. That could not happen. That excuse more than any other was what Severus used on the days he was tempted to give in. On the days he wanted to say the hell with spying and go straight to Potter and fold him in his arms to comfort him. He was almost desperate with wishing away that dark blue, even more so knowing he was the cause.
As with every Friday class, Severus walked around the class, but continued avoiding Potter. He stayed aware enough in case there was an accident that needed immediate attention, but there never was. Potter’s potions were about as well done as Granger’s.
It was during the lunch hour one such Friday when the river stopped moving. The water stayed that deep blue, but was completely, unnaturally still. Severus had not realized that the river continuously flowed and moved until it stopped. It was unnerving. He’d been in his office grading papers when it happened. It had bothered him so much that he couldn’t help but to also go still to match it.
When the class came back, Severus kept an eye out for Potter’s friends, knowing that if he was not there, they most likely wouldn’t be either. But both Granger and Weasley came to class. Potter did not. The two friends kept glancing at each other and the door while they set to work, worried frowns on their faces. That was enough to tell Severus that the two of them knew nothing, yet just enough to know something was wrong.
Potter’s entrance was silent. If Severus had not been keeping one eye on the door, he would not have noticed. But he did. He noticed that Potter was pale. Potter’s head was bent forward, his eyes only on the ground. Watching him walk to his usual spot was quite bothersome considering that the water was still not moving.
Severus continued to watch him throughout the class, so when Malfoy threw a whole batch of nightshade into Potter’s cauldron, he saw it. He was halfway across the classroom when the Gryffindor shoved the smoking cauldron off his table.
The river did not move. The color didn’t change. Severus wondered for a moment if the bond had somehow broken, but he had no doubt the river would be gone if it did.
Giving Potter detention for acting out in the classroom was his way of trying to reach out. Something clearly had upset the boy further. Past the edge that his mind could handle. He didn’t try to follow him out when Potter left. Neither did Potter’s friends.
The class continued on as though the outburst never happened. After clearing off Potter’s workspace, Severus deliberately chose a path through the classroom that took him past Malfoy. A hand on the Slytherin’s shoulder made him look up at Severus.
“Weekend detention with Filch both Saturday and Sunday.”
He didn’t wait around to see the reaction his words garnered. Severus walked to his desk, musing about how to approach Potter that night.
His concern grew when he realized Potter was absent from the Great Hall at supper time. When it became clear he would not show, Severus ate quickly and went to his office to wait. As the time went by without Potter walking through the door, his concern continued to fester. Obsessively, he checked the unmoving river. After a while, he even reached out with tentative black tendrils to gently poke at the water, but there was nothing. No reaction, no change, nothing that would calm his mind.
Severus reached out to Albus after the two hour mark. Albus merely told him that Potter was most likely sulking and would be right as rain after the weekend. Severus argued that he was wrong. That something was wrong. Albus blamed teenage hormones and ended the conversation there.
As the night continued, Severus began pacing his area of the dungeons. His chambers were right next to his office and classroom, so he propped open the door for the sake of easier access, and walked through each and every room. He didn’t stop to interact with anything. He walked straight through, walking a circle in rooms with only one exit, and then back to the corridor, going through the door to his office. Since his office was connected to his classroom, he used the door that connected the two to cross over, and then went back to the corridor and walked to his chambers.
Severus paced for hours, focused almost entirely on the dark blue river, looking for any change, any movement. So focused, in fact, that even when it was past four in the morning, he did not stop pacing, nor did he pause his attentions to the water.
He was angry. Frustrated. Annoyed. He wanted to strangle the Weasley girl for being the reason behind the bond coming to light. He wanted to wrap his arms around Harry and shield him from his troubles. He wished to go back to the start of term, to when he realized Harry was the cause of the river, and never tell the boy about it. He wished for that lighter blue river, the calm water so enticing that Severus would sink right into it without hesitation given the chance.
There was no world where Severus wanted a soulmate. But at some point, even with all the space he had tried to put between him and Harry, he realized that to live without the bond would be like living without an arm. It wasn’t a want. It was a necessity. Like oxygen and sunlight.
Ironically, the water stirring was the one thing that finally caused Severus to stop pacing. It swirled, like it was draining, and the idea of it disappearing had Severus mentally reaching out toward it in a panic, as though he could hold the water in with sheer will alone.
But the water wasn’t going away. That was just the newest movement the river was taking on, in correlation to Harry’s feelings. The boy was spiraling. This time though, it was so strong, so overpowering, that the river was physically showing it. As the color started to blacken, Severus took off at a run. The doors to his chambers, office, and classroom were left open. Had he stopped to think, he would have closed them. He didn’t stop.
Severus ran straight to the corridor with the window seat, but when he saw the bench was empty, he ran towards Gryffindor tower. All the stairs had him breathing hard. Questioning the Fat Lady, he found out that Harry hadn’t come back that afternoon. The only next logical place to check was the tree.
By the time he reached the entrance hall, Severus’ lungs were burning but he kept running. No one ever really noticed just how large Hogwarts was until they tried to run through the entire castle. When he got close enough to the tree to see the shape at the base of it, he pushed himself faster.
Harry was curled up at the base of the tree. He was asleep, and thrashing around. One arm was against his mouth, but the other had a hand clawing at his throat. Muffled screams had Severus falling to his knees in front of Harry.
“Potter!” He stopped the scratching hand, pulling the arm towards him. Severus attempted to grab the other arm to pull the sleeping boy against him, but paused when he got a close enough look at Harry’s mouth.
The screams were muffled not just because the flesh was in the way. Harry was biting down on his arm in his sleep, teeth tearing through the skin and causing blood to seep from the wound. Severus moved closer and wrapped his arms around Harry’s back, pulling him against his chest.
“Harry. Harry! Wake up!” Severus gently brushed his fingers through Harry’s hair, letting his fingers tug on a few strands in the hopes of it helping him wake up.
When the screams died and were replaced by gasps, Severus sagged back against the tree, pulling Harry with him. With the way he was reclining back, Harry was mostly on his lap. He kept his arms around him, hoping to ground him.
The gasps turned into sobs and whatever resolve Severus had to try to keep any space broke. He pulled Harry fully into his lap and tightened his arms. “Harry…” Severus was at a loss for how to properly comfort the boy.
Harry helped him unknowingly by pushing his head into the crook of his neck and wrapping his arms around Severus. The Gryffindor’s hold was even tighter than his own.
“Please,” Harry sobbed against him, voice broken. “Please.”
Severus didn’t know what Harry was begging for, but in that moment, even if it was Dumbledore’s head on a Gryffindor red platter, he would get it for him. “Anything, Harry.” He tried to make his voice as soft as it could go.
“Don’t put me back in there. I’ll do anything you want, just let me stay out here.” Harry’s hands were gripping the back of Severus’ robes tightly.
“Put you back into where?” Severus wondered if something happened to him while he’d been missing.
“I don’t want to go back into the cupboard. Please.” Harry kept sobbing, the boy’s body shaking with them.
Cupboard? What cupboard? “Harry,” he started, keeping his voice as soft as it could go, trying to calm him. “No more cupboards. You don’t have to go into any if you do not wish to.”
“No more! Please!”
Suspecting that Harry thought he was still in his dream, Severus gently forced Harry’s head from where it was buried in his neck. Harry’s eyes were tightly shut. He cupped his cheek. “Harry. Open your eyes. Look at me.”
Hesitantly, Harry opened his eyes and the moment they made eye contact, a harsh gasp left him. “S-Snape. You’re Snape.”
Severus nodded. “You’re back with me.”
Harry looked around, seemingly grounding himself. The river was calm again, the spiraling stopped. It was still dark blue. Harry moved off of him and sat in the grass, looking out at the lake.
Taking a deep breath, Severus spoke again. “Tell me about the cupboard.”
Harry flinched. “I… He sighed. “You won’t drop it, will you?”
He used a finger around Harry’s chin to turn his head to face him. “I’ve never heard you plead like that before. No, I will not be dropping this.” Severus grabbed the arm with the bite mark and a leaf from the ground, transfiguring it into a bandage to wrap around it.
The boy sighed. “I thought…” A deep breath. A swallow. “I thought you were my aunt. The last thing I remember from the nightmare was banging on the door to my cupboard and begging for them to let me out.”
“Your cupboard?” Severus raised an eyebrow.
“Do you know where my Hogwarts letter was addressed to?” Severus shook his head. “‘The cupboard under the stairs’.”
Severus did not like that. The acceptance letters always were addressed to the home address of the student. The fact that it not only contained the needed address, but also the cupboard told him that eleven year old Harry had considered only that cupboard as his place of residence. “Typically, cupboards under the stairs aren’t very spacious.”
“This one isn’t. After my first year, I think the Dursley’s were worried someone from the school would investigate, so they gave me one of the bedrooms. Which was fortunate. I was close to outgrowing it."
“The cupboard was your only room until then?” Harry nodded. “You said you thought you were back in there in your nightmare.”
“My aunt and uncle like to put me back in there as a punishment now that I’ve gotten older.” Harry spoke in a whisper.
Like a prison cell.
Severus closed his eyes and focused on keeping his breathing even. Images of Harry locked in a small, dark place flashed through his mind. And to think he had once thought Harry was a spoiled child who was pampered like a prince.
“Does the headmaster know?”
Harry shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. The blood wards require me to return.”
The blood wards. The same ones erected by Lily’s love for her child. They required Harry to live with a blood relation and think of the place as home. Severus wondered if they were even as strong as they had hoped, given the information he now knew. He had no doubts that there was more abuse that went on inside that house. If a small room was what the younger version of Harry considered his home, Severus would be surprised to learn that the wards could withstand any attack at all. It was something he would have to discuss with Albus.
“Not for much longer.” With the boy turning seventeen next summer, whatever was left of the wards would deactivate. “Would you like to tell me what else happened in the dream?” Severus knew it was a long shot.
Harry looked down. “No,” came the whispered reply, green eyes closing. A second later, they opened and he raised his head, looking directly at him. “You ignored me.”
It was Severus’ turn to look down.
“You left me,” he whispered, hurt creeping into his tone. Harry turned away again, once more facing the lake. “You made the effort originally, following me out here and trying to get me to talk to you, to open up. You found me after my nightmares. Then the moment I decided it’s safe to let you in, that I wanted to actually get to know you, you suddenly go back to the way it was before the ritual.”
“It was for your-“
Harry jumped to his feet and looked down at him. “Don’t even try. That’s a bullshit excuse and you know it.” He walked to the edge of the water. The beginnings of the sunrise were just barely starting to make themselves known.
Severus joined him a moment later, their arms brushing against each other from how close they were standing. They were both staring out at the water as the color of the surface began to lighten.
“The last person I opened myself up to was also the first,” he whispered. “I can’t imagine giving that same allowance to her son just to lose him like I lost her.”
“I can’t imagine the idea of something happening to you without me having the opportunity,” Harry whispered back.
Severus swallowed. “Harry…”
The arm against his was replaced by the side of a head. “Please.”
Hearing that one word, after having heard the way it sounded when the boy was sobbing, was enough to shatter his resolve. Severus moved his arm away from Harry’s head in order to reach around him. Harry understood without him needing to say a word. He rested his head against Severus’ shoulder. As the two of them watched the water of the lake continue to lighten up in the sunrise, Severus couldn’t help but notice the river in his mind finally doing the same.