A horse understands
Sirius stayed with Merlin for a while, let his hands glide through his mane – the feeling! - it was so warm underneath! - the white gelding bending around and gently nudging him with his head every now and then. Sirius felt so calm, peaceful even. It was a state he very seldomly found himself in so it was all the more astounding.
“Feeling alright, Sirius?” Hope had stepped up next to them, letting her flat hand rest on Merlin’s forehead. Sirius took a deep breath. Standing with Merlin somehow made him breathe deeper, he only realized that now.
“Yes. I really like him. He’s so calm.” Hope chuckled a little at that.
“Hmhm. He’s calm for you. Shall we ask your brother if he’d like to greet Merlin, too?” At that Sirius looked towards his brother and nodded. “Yes! I’m sure Merlin wants to be his friend, too!”
Hope went back to Regulus, asking him about Merlin, and – to everybody’s amazement, the little boy nodded again. Sirius bounced back to him and grabbed both his hands excitedly. “You’ll love him, Reg! He’s so awesome!”
“Sirius, maybe you can go sit with Remus for a while? So Merlin and your brother have all the space they need?” Hope nodded towards her son, still sitting a little distance away on the ground. Sirius was quiet happy to join him there. The two boys looked at each other with a smile on both their faces, then turned to watch Reg and Merlin.
“I can’t wait to see Merlin walking up to Reg. How does he know the right moment to come? Why does he come at all? He doesn’t know us, does he?” Sirius looked at Remus again with raised eyebrows. The other boy just shrugged. “He just knows. He feels. And he’s always a surprise.”
“A surprise? How?” Sirius was feeling more and more excited.
“Just watch.” A secret smile played at the corners of Remus’ mouth.
They sat there for quiet a while and nothing much happened, after Hope had shown Regulus where to stand and explained some things to him. On their other side, behind the fence, Sirius could hear the rustling of the pages of the magazine his mother was going through.
Reg blandly stood there, only his fingers were repeatedly curling in and opening again slowly. Then Merlin’s ears started flicking around, at first in a random pattern it seemed, but soon they pointed straight at the little dark-haired boy in front of him, then backwards. And then the weirdest thing happened. Instead of starting to move towards Regulus, like everybody expected – well, Remus had said Merlin was a surprise – the gelding took a long step back, increasing the distance. Sirius stared at the situation unfolding before him with wide eyes, whispering “Why’s he going back?”
“He's giving him space, inviting him in,” Remus murmured next to him in a low voice. And wasn’t this the most wonderful thing? Sirius often had the feeling, that everything was just a little too much for his little brother, having trouble to cope with the things happening around him. And here a horse finally recognized that. Was this what Merlin was doing? How did he know???
Reg’s eyes widened slightly, a little of the tension in his small shoulders melting away. He didn’t really understand what was happening, but the huge white horse taking a step back was just what he needed, apparently. He felt the pressure lessen at once, feeling less crowded, feeling like he could breathe a little easier. He wanted to do this. He wanted to show Sirius that he was just as brave. But the moment he stood there, with Merlin about to approach him, he wasn’t so sure anymore. The horse seemed a giant, just about to walk all over him. But now Merlin had made clear he wasn’t about to do that, right? Reg took another deep breath, finally relaxing. He glanced at Hope quickly and, seeing her smiling at him, thought this was all perfectly fine. He could live with that. Merlin just standing over there, not crowding in on him and nothing much happening otherwise. This was okay. Merlin looked so peaceful over there, too, ears flicking around slightly, like this was just the perfect place to be. Just when Reg felt himself relaxing even more, Merlin lowered his head to the ground and started making this weird snorting noise through his nostrils. What was he doing?! The next moment Reg almost couldn’t believe his eyes. The horse bent his front legs, landing on his knees on the ground, then – somehow lowering himself down, ending on the ground with all his legs folded underneath himself! Merlin didn’t look so huge anymore now. To Reg it seemed a miracle.
“What is he doing?!” Reg’s voice was little more than a whisper, but it was there. It seemed he hadn’t even realized he was speaking, he still stood there, awed expression on his face. Behind the fence, Sirius could hear a little gasp escape his mother’s throat. He turned to look at her and saw Michelle taking his mother’s slightly shaking hand. Were there tears shining in her eyes?! This was weird. He looked at Remus who had this little happy smile on his face again. He looked almost proud? Then Hope was speaking to Reg as if nothing spectacular had just happened at all.
“He’s inviting you in. He won’t come towards you, he’s waiting until you’re ready. You can go and just sit down next to him, if you want. Or just approach him as far as you’re comfortable with. It’s your choice.”
My choice. Reg thought about these words. He didn’t feel like much was his choice usually. There was always a schedule. Expectations. His mother. His father. Michelle. The doctors. There was always something to be done. He always had to. He looked over to where his brother was sitting with the new boy. Sirius smiled at him and showed him both thumbs up. You’re doing great, Reg!
The moment Reg looked back towards Merlin again, the horse lowered his head down even more, nose touching the ground. Reg just felt so free all of a sudden. He could do this. Merlin had lain down for him. He wanted to be there, with Merlin. Slowly, he approached him, step by step. Reaching the horse, Reg crouched down, carefully putting one of his hands towards Merlins muzzle, no touch yet, just a silent greeting. “Hello Merlin” he whispered.
Hope watched the unfolding situation with awe. These horses just never ceased to amaze her. And Merlin, of course, was very very special with kids. She hadn’t expected for Regulus to start talking in the first session already, but well, here they were. Now she had to quickly get Mrs. Black and Michelle, so they wouldn’t overwhelm the little boy with their joy and further expectations. Regulus might have said a few words now, in this setting with Merlin, everyone else rather out of his perception but that didn’t mean he’d just go back to normal talking with everyone miraculously all of a sudden. Quiet the opposite. As it was, Hope had lots of explaining to do to Mrs. Black, probably.
Leaving Regulus and Merlin in their little bubble – the little boy looking blissfully happy – Hope went over to the bench behind the fence where Mrs Black was already eagerly waiting.
“I need to talk to my son right now. I heard him! So he can still speak after all! I really don’t believe it took a horse – a horse – to get him out of his stupor!” Walburga looked rather upset, covertly wiping at her eyes with the tips of her fingers.
“Now Mrs. Black. There are a few very important things I need to tell you first. The most important thing being to leave your son be, for now. This is all part of the healing process, him sitting there with Merlin, he mustn’t be disturbed right now. Why don’t we walk a few steps over there so I can explain properly?” Walburga looked rather skeptical.
“Are you proposing we leave them all there, unsupervised with this giant horse?”
“They will be fine. Merlin won’t do anything. I can call Remus over if that will make you feel better?” Hope already waved at her son to join Merlin and Regulus. The two older boys got up and walked towards the horse on the ground.
“It’s not really making a difference. No offense, but your son is hardly older than Regulus.” Walburga squinted her eyes, observing the three boys, Remus just sitting down next to Merlin and arching his little arm over his neck, snuggling his head against the fluffy mane. Sirius reaching out to let him sniff his hand again.
“Remus grew up with Merlin, they know each other inside out. He doesn’t even need a rope to walk around with him or ride him. They will be perfectly fine. And it’s just for a few minutes. We can talk in abundance later when they’re all out again. I just want Regulus to have this time with Merlin, now that he started to trust him. And we can still see them.” Hope looked at Walburga with a little smile, waiting for her reaction.
“Very well then. I’m listening.”
***
Later that day, after having enjoyed some afternoon-lemonade again, the three kids were crowded around a large fire-pit, armed with sticks and a big bowl full of sticky dough. The two brothers from Vancouver were left in wonder of all the things happening around the little ranch. Now Remus had just started the fire(!) - all on his own(!!), mind – while his father was splitting some more pieces of wood nearby – with a real axe(!!!) nonetheless. Sirius and Reg could only watch with mouths and eyes wide open. Luckily – so Sirius thought – their mother was still inside with Hope, she would have suffered a stroke at least, seeing all this utterly wild behaviour.
When the fire had died down a little, Remus took his carved branch and started wrapping a handful of the dough around it skillfully. It looked like a little snake curling itself around the stick tightly.
Sirius took a piece of the dough and tried to do the same but it didn’t work out as easily as it had looked with Remus. The dough kept sticking to his fingers no matter how hard he tried to somehow attach it to the stick, ending up quiet the mess in between his hands and not really much left on the stick.
“Dammit. This isn’t working.” Sirius looked at his brother who seemed to hide a grin just so, then at Remus who had his work of art already propped up against one of the larger rocks containing the fire, one foot on the end of the branch so it wouldn’t roll to the side.
“It’s not that hard, I can show you. Here.” He took another piece of dough, having that little ‘not-quiet-smile’ on his face again. “You have to take a bit of the flour that’s gathered at the side of the bowl and roll a little ball, then a snake – see? Now roll it around the stick starting at the top.” It looked perfectly easy when he showed them, so Sirius gave it another try, following Remus’ example. At least this time his dough ended up attached to the stick somehow – looking far from the elegant curl Remus just had succeeded to produce a second time.
“Wanna have that one?” Remus offered the second stick to Reg who took it gratefully, raising his eyebrows at his brother. Sirius groaned a little at that. “I’d like to see you try, Reg!”
Later that evening, Reg left his older brother gawping at the perfect little curl he managed to create for his first ever own stick-bread.
***
Saturday evening. Almost a whole week at the Lupin Ranch already passed in a flash. And what a week this had been. Never had Michelle felt so relaxed but intrigued and excited at the same time. Especially with the Black family. Even Walburga seemed less stressed and in a better mood. Michelle couldn’t even remember a situation at home, where the usually stern woman had showed some kind of patience towards the boys. But here, with Hope and the rather stoic Lyall Lupin around, everything seemed to be clouded in calm and patience. Also, the horses. The young Nanny could only think of the sessions in the arena as absolute miracles. Reg hadn’t said any more words since that first time, but it was clear that he was so happy there with the horses, especially Merlin. A wizard indeed. Michelle had never seen him smile so much. And Sirius. The usually so stubborn and explosive boy had changed completely. Here, he seemed almost calm. Almost. Their mealtimes were as peaceful as never before, at least. For the first time, Michelle thought she’d seen the two boys hungry and eating with real appetite, instead of Sirius creating all kind of messes just to pass the time somehow during the rather stuffy dinners at the Blacks’ townhouse. The three boys had played together around the farm each day, Remus happily showing them everything. And the possibilities and locations to play were endless. Of course, Sirius was in paradise. Finally all his energy and firework of a mind could run free. The two brothers were so exhausted come evening, they were fast asleep way before 9, when back in Vancouver Sirius seemed hardly tired at all come 11, the whole going to bed and falling asleep issue always being a never ending ordeal.
So it was rather extraordinary, herself and Mrs. Black sitting in opposite armchairs in the little living room area of the cosy cottage at half past 9, each with a book on their laps but none of them really reading. Walburga looked lost in her thoughts. It was their last evening and Michelle was curious to know what the brothers’ mother thought of everything by now. Would they come back eventually? Even when Reg hadn’t started really talking again so far?
“The boys seem really happy this week here…” Michelle carefully started the conversation. Walburga looked up from the book she wasn’t really reading, frowning a little. “Well, of course they’re happy, roaming around all day, no duties, no lessons… it’s just good nobody can see us here…”
“Maybe that’s what they need, for a while?” Michelle really tried her best to point Mrs. Black towards the things that have kept her worried for quiet some time now. Walburga only let out a little huff. “Nobody in the Black family got ever asked what they needed. There are expectations to be met, every member of the family has to fulfill their role. There’s a reason why we stand where we are, after all. You should know that by now, Michelle.”
And wasn’t that just the saddest thing. Never being asked what you needed. Michelle blinked her eyes a few times before giving it a last try. “But Regulus did say something the first day with Merlin, after more than two years of silence.” Michelle better kept to herself that she had noticed Reg whispering to his older brother a few times, when they thought themselves unobserved. She had a feeling this fact would only lead to more pressure for both brothers, when more pressure really was the last thing they needed.
“Yes, as you say, on the first day. Since then, nothing. I’m not so sure this whole horse-therapy is any good at all. And it really is an inconvenience, the long drive alone, the time we’re stuck here, I can’t do anything useful while work piles itself up in Vancouver.” The black-haired women sighed deeply.
“To be honest, Mrs. Black, I’ve never seen you as relaxed as you’ve been this week. Also Sirius. I mean, it’s 9 and he’s asleep! That alone is a miracle.” Michelle knew she was walking the tightrope here, speaking to Walburga like that, but well, she wouldn’t be with them for that much longer anyway, having saved enough money now for university.
“Exactly that’s the point, Michelle, what has ever come from slacking off? I don’t need to relax, I need to be on top of things. The boys will be the same, the sooner they learn that, the better.”
Yes, but they're still kids. Michelle kept that thought to herself though. Maybe she should have said something...
***
“Can we come back soon, Mum? Before Christmas? Or for my birthday? That’s the idea – it can be my present, I don’t want anything else!” Sirius hopped around his mother while she checked the cottage one last time for any forgotten items.
“Sirius. You give me a headache. Please just go outside and find your brother, I don’t know yet if or when we can come back. We will be busy, the Lupins will be busy or maybe booked out – the world doesn’t just order itself around your wishes, Sirius. Besides, the drive really is excessively long.”
“I don’t care about the drive!” Sirius threw his hands up in exasperation, “I will sit still like a rock and pretend to be asleep the whole time! You won’t even notice I’m there!” Walburga shook her head a little a that, mumbling under her breath, “If only this could be true…”
***
A little while later everyone was outside, the car readily packed, Mr. Carrow waiting beside the driver’s door, only Remus was missing.
“Where’s Remus? We didn’t say goodbye at all!” Sirius looked around anxiously. He didn’t want to leave in the first place, but now he hadn’t even said goodbye to his new friend. Hope squeezed his shoulder and gave him a little smile. “He'll show up any moment. He told me before that someone else wanted to see you off, too.” Sirius rocked on his toes a little. Who else could there be? Luckily, they didn’t have to wait long before the missing boy showed up. And he wasn’t alone. Remus was riding Merlin, the lead-rope attached to his halter hanging loosely over his withers. And there was another horse – Leo – slowly trotting along, his lead-rope in Remus’ hand. The little caravan stopped shortly before their gathering. Sirius jumped once then stepped over to let the two horses sniff his hands. “Remus! You’ve brought Merlin and Leo! Oh can’t we stay a little longer? Mum?”
“I’m afraid not, Sirius. We have a schedule.” His mother observed the whole scene with raised eyebrows.
“How about we let the boys ride up to the gate? It’s only a few minutes, Reg and Sirius can sit on Leo together, Remus will lead them on Merlin.” Oh and didn’t Hope have the most wonderful ideas!
“Yes! I want to do that! Come along, Reggie?” Sirius looked at his little brother, then imperceptibly squinted his eyes. A moment later - “Can we also ride Merlin?” Both brothers glanced – in Reg’s case rather hopefully - up at Remus. The youngest Lupin just shrugged his shoulders. “Sure.” He tugged on Leo’s lead a little to make him step a little closer, then climbed from back to back swiftly, grabbing Merlin’s rope, too, now holding both the horses’ leads.
After Mrs. Black had nodded her head in a rather dignified way, looking a bit like the queen from centuries ago, Lyall lifted the brothers up on the patiently waiting Merlin, Regulus sitting in front, grabbing a bit of the fluffy mane to steady himself. Their faces couldn’t have been any happier.
“Shall we drive ahead, then?” Mr. Carrow nodded towards the gate, visible in the distance. Walburga and Michelle quickly shook hands with the Lupins, Hope reassuring them to come back or call any time, and they were off.
Sirius smiled brightly at Remus, putting an arm around Reg’s waist. “Well then? Can we go at a gallop? Only joking Reg! Ha!” Reg turned back to the front after having gifted his brother with a stern glare. Remus clicked his tongue and the horses started moving at a walk. “Maybe next time you’re here we can try a gallop,” Remus chuckled a little at that. Sirius mirrored his grin. “We’ll be real cowboys then!” After a little while of riding along the path in silence, Sirius voice turned somber. “I really do hope we’ll come back soon. I’ve never been at a place as perfect as this, you’re lucky Remus, you know?” The other boy turned his searching eyes to him and after a while answered in a rather wondering voice.
“Yes, I think I know. And I hope you’ll come back soon, too.”
***