Going back
The hoping turned into two years. Two years of Reg still not talking, two years of some more doctors which he began to really hate more and more, two years of Michelle (he really missed Michelle), leaving and coming back to visit sometimes. Two years of several other Nannys not coping very well with the most ancient and noble house of Black. And two years of Sirius being Sirius. Reg really loved his brother don’t get him wrong, and Sirius was always wonderful and patient and funny – when they were alone… Reg still whispered or sometimes even talked quietly to him – also only when they were alone, but as soon as their mother was there or also all the new Nannys, it turned out to be rather exhausting. There was so much fighting and Sirius almost never relented. Nor did their mother and so it ended with banging doors or a slap here and there more often than not.
Mealtimes were the worst. Reg always felt like sitting on a barrel of dynamite with the fuse already lit, not knowing how long the string was that day. So eating got rather difficult somehow. His throat felt tight and his tummy was rather opposed to food with all the tension around their table. Of course they noticed eventually and then everything got even worse. All the nagging – ‘do eat Regulus’ or ‘won’t you take some more Regulus’ – not to forget the secret glances towards his plate, only increased the tension, sometimes his brother exploding with a ‘can’t you leave him alone!’. Sirius had taken to sneak some food into their rooms at least once a day where they ate while playing or reading. Reg found he could eat, then, and rather enjoyed the secret picnics with his brother.
Regulus understood quiet well by now why Sirius was behaving the way he did. After that one wonderful week at the Lupin Ranch two years ago, Reg just knew. After having seen his brother literally unfold there, with all the space, the horses and Remus of course, it was obvious how restricted and trapped he must feel in this ancient, elegant house. With their ancient, elegant mother. Even if she wasn’t that old, actually. And Sirius loathed being restricted. That was why he always pushed so hard. Reg sometimes wondered if their father felt trapped here, too, and if that was the cause for his absence all the time…
***
Then, sometime in September, all of sudden, Michelle was back. And then even their father was there quiet frequently, the three adults talking late hours in the evenings, always sending the children to their rooms. Of course Reg and Sirius eavesdropped as best as they could, gathering words of something change, unhealthy, desperation, depression (whatever that was), Michelle having a break from university until the end of October, and then the name Lupin Ranch was making an appearance more and more often. Sirius didn’t dare to trust his ears. For two years he had longed to go back there. Everything was getting worse and worse here in Vancouver, his mother being more stressed than ever, Regulus not only not talking but also eating less and less, always looking so pale and worried. And Sirius himself feeling so full of tension all the time, not knowing how to let go, always ending in some kind of disaster more often than not. He just couldn’t help it, even if he tried.
Then one day a few weeks later Michelle stepped through their door, several bags and a big suitcase next to her. Sirius had opened the door and stared at their former Nanny with huge eyes.
“Are you staying, Michelle?” The young woman opened her arms in greeting, smiling wide. “Yes. For a while. Hello Sirius.” Sirius jumped and hugged her around the middle for a long time. Finally. Reg would be so happy!
***
Few days later, they were already in the car, the whole family, even their father, and Michelle of course. Sirius was overjoyed! Back to the Lupins! Back to Remus and the horses! And staying! Not only for a few days but a whole month!! Two weeks as a holiday with their parents (both this time!) and then two weeks only them and Michelle, which was even better. Sirius was excited beyond measure. Were Merlin and Leo still there? And Spot? Spot must be rather grown up by now, right? And Remus? Would he remember them at all? After two years? Sirius stared out the window and drifted off into daydreaming. Seeing Remus for the first time with Mari and Spot, the sessions in the arena with Reg and Hope, all the playing around the ranch, the goats, the rabbits… before Sirius knew it, his insides were buzzing with anticipation.
***
Remus was sitting on the wooden steps of their porch, squinting into the distance every now and then. A few days ago, his parents had told him that the Blacks were coming back again and also would be staying for a while. His first feeling about the news was joy – he’d get to play with Sirius and Reg again, the two boys who hadn’t known anything about horses or animals in general or about playing outside. Everything had been so new and special for them. Reg wasn’t talking back then but that hadn’t mattered at all, Sirius was saying enough for both of them. And Remus liked being quiet sometimes too, so he really didn't mind. But would they be the same? Would they still like to play with him? Two years was a long time, after all…
***
When the car passed the gates of the Lupin Ranch, Sirius couldn’t sit still any longer. He had managed quiet well for almost the whole drive, sleeping part of it even, showing everyone that he could remain calm if he really wanted to. And he had wanted to. He was willing to do everything, even enduring a tedious and long ride, if only this wasn't the last time they drove there.
Finally they were nearing the big wooden ranch house and there was Remus! Sitting on the front steps and watching the big black car arrive. Sirius could see him properly now. His hair had gotten a little longer and he was wearing a slightly anxious expression on his face. Sirius couldn’t wait until the car was parked, he rolled down his window, leant out a little and waved at him. “Remus! Hey!” The smile that suddenly appeared on the other boy’s face – the real one, not the wonky one – made his stomach do a little somersault-thing. Sirius hardly waited for the car to park, threw open the door and almost tumbled out, not even hearing the exhausted ‘patience, Sirius!” from his mother.
Remus got up from the steps and then they were standing there, facing each other – smiling at each other.
“Hi Remus. We’re back.” Sirius was so excited, he bounced on his heels a little.
“Hi Sirius. Yeah, I can see that.” Remus slightly raised his eyebrows at that and fiddled a little with something in his hands. They both just stared for a moment or two, the tension between two kids who haven’t met in quiet a while hanging between them. Luckily, Sirius never had been one for long silence.
“What have you got there?” Sirius pointed with his chin towards Remus’ hands. The other boy looked down too, then opened his fingers showing two little round objects laying in his palm. Like large Marbles, but not as shiny and the material wasn’t glass. It looked rather like – rocks? Maybe? But silvery-gray spotted? And too smooth and symmetrical for normal rocks? Sirius had never seen something like that.
“It’s for you and your brother. When Mum told me you were coming, I made them for you. They’re Moonies. I have lots already, you know?” Remus held his hand with the two round things – ‘Moonies’? - out towards him with a proud look on his face. Sirius’ eyes widened. “You made them? Yourself?” Remus laughed a little and shrugged. “Well, yeah.”
“Can I have a look?” Sirius squinted his eyes to see every detail while his mind was whirring with questions. How did Remus make them? From what? Did he paint them? And he made them for him and Reg?! Wow...
“Sure. They’re yours. Take them.” Remus stretched his arm out a little more. Sirius carefully took one of the two and looked around for his brother. He hadn’t even noticed that the rest of his family had gathered a little distance away and was talking to Remus parents. Huh? Where had they come from so suddenly?
“Reg! Come here and look at this!” His brother let go of Michelle’s hand and walked over.
“Hello Regulus.” Remus had his wonky little smile again. Sirius wondered how the two smiles always seemed to take turns with Remus. Then he took Reg’s arm and pulled him closer. “Look! Remus made them for us, can you imagine? They’re ‘moonies’!” Reg looked at the two round things, then at his brother with his typical questioning eyes.
“How did you make them?” Sirius asked the question that bothered both his brother and himself. “From clay. There are spots at the brook where you can find it and then I just - “ Remus shrugged his shoulders again, “ - I just make them … shape them, I guess. Then let them dry for a while before you can sand them and then paint in the end. That’s it. No miracle.” Another shrug. And a little insecure smile at the corner of his mouth. Sirius thought he’d combust from fondness for his new or old(?) friend. When Remus talked about these things so enthusiastically but humbly at the same time – Sirius always felt so connected. To Remus. To the world. To himself. It was quiet weird actually.
“Well, thank you, Remus!” Sirius let the tips of his fingers run over the smooth surface of his little sphere while his brother took the other from Remus’ palm with a reverent expression.
“You’re welcome.”
A little later that day, they found out that Remus had a whole marble-run for his countless ‘moonies’, built from scratch with little branches, rocks, carved wooden pieces, old pipes or tubes and all kind of other random stuff in a part of the barn. It was huge! It was brilliant! It was AWESOME!!
***
“So why are they called ‘moonies’?” The three boys were sitting on and beside (Regulus) a bale of hay in the back of the huge barn after having played with Remus’ self-constructed marble-run for hours that had felt like minutes – some marble-moonies still laying around them. Sirius and Remus chatted about the – in Sirius eyes fantastic – construction and how to further improve it while Regulus sorted an assembly of spheres according to colour or pattern and size in little accurate lines on the ground.
“My mother started calling them that, because in the beginning, I tried to make them look like the moon, with paint, you know? Me ’n’ dad like to watch the sky at night – do you like the moon? - I really like it, the size and patterns, even the colours are always changing! - so I made my own moons. You have two of the moon-ones too, now.” Remus nodded towards the silver-gray sphere that Sirius still turned around between his fingers. “I really like your moonies. But I haven’t been out much at night to see the moon or the night sky, actually.” Remus gave him an incredulous look at that, then furrowed his eyebrows.
“Well, you’re here now, you can come watch with us. Reg too, of course.”
***
One morning during the second week found Sirius waking up rather late. This was another very welcome thing here, he could just wake up whenever he felt like it. No schedule. No alarm clock. Nobody knocking at his door, telling him to get up finally. Usually, he got up rather early anyway these days here on the ranch – they had lots to do after all – but the day before they had all helped with the last hay-harvesting of the season, riding on the hay-cart until way into the night. Well, Remus, Reg and himself had helped, Walburga and Orion having gone out for dinner of course, at the fanciest place they could find around here, no doubt. Sirius did wonder sometimes, why his parents had bothered to come along at all, he and Reg were perfectly fine here with Michelle and the Lupins. They hardly saw much of their parents most of the time. What were they doing at all?But he wasn’t complaining. The less his mother was around to glare down at him, the better.
He traipsed down the little staircase into the kitchen area to find his brother sitting at the table with a bowl of cereals, Michelle pottering around at the sink behind him.
“Morning.” Sirius grumbled and, rubbing his eyes, sat down next to Reg. Michelle placed another bowl with cereal in front of him and ruffled his hair a little. “You’re down late today, almost missed us.”
“Are you going to meet Hope and Merlin in the arena again? That’s nice Reggie!” Sirius quickly glanced at his brother to find him already smiling back at him. Reg adored Merlin. Sirius was sure by now that he whispered to the large horse in the same way he did with him. And Reg was so happy here, he smiled so many times during the day, always with a fascinated glint in his eyes, quietly observing whatever was going on around him. And he started to try out things on his own, too. He never did that at home without another person prodding him to do so.
“Remus was here earlier. He said to tell you that he’s on his way to the pasture already, you can meet him there.” Michelle took Reg’s empty(!) bowl and passed him some sliced apple on a little plate. The amount of food his little brother managed to consume here was quiet astonishing, Sirius thought. One also seemed to be constantly hungry here and Sirius was always happy to devour all the little snacks Hope or Michelle offered them over the day. That this was in fact the normal state of growing boys, who played and ran around outside all day, the Black brothers of course didn’t know. Nor had they – until now – ever experienced the joy of simple food after a long day of prowling around a farm.
After having heard Remus’ message, Sirius quickly gobbled down his breakfast, received a whole apple from Michelle – to eat on the way – and stormed out the door. “Have fun Reggie!” His brother only smiled and gave him the thumbs up.
***
Remus was laid across Mari’s back – head towards her rear, knees bent and feet propped up on the horse’s shoulders - eyes closed towards the sky, listening to the chirping of birds and the oh so familiar subtle noise of the horses’ chomping on the grass. Always so soothing. The rest of the herd was scattered around them, Spot a little distance away. At almost two and a half years, the young colt still liked to stay close to his mother, even if he got up to his own adventures every now and then of course.
It was Spot who woke Remus from his almost slumber on Mari’s back, searching for his mother’s safety and nudging Remus’ naked foot. Remus popped open one eye and looked to the side over the fence and surely – there was Sirius walking towards the pasture. You could always rely on the horses to detect every disturbance way before a human would ever notice. Remus smiled to himself and sat up. Sirius looked so different now, after almost two weeks here and Remus was more than glad – relieved even - about it. Both the Black brothers had looked so so pale and thin, too, at their arrival. Reg even more so than Sirius. Remus never saw people that pale around this place. Everyone was always slightly tanned or at least freckled as soon as the first weeks of spring had passed, not to speak of the end of summer. And although they were both smiling a lot during the first few days here, they somehow looked so tired, exhausted? It was something around their eyes. But not in the ‘sleepy way’? Remus didn’t quiet know how to catalogue these expressions, it didn’t really go together according to the charts he had organized in his mind. The stretching moments on the first day when they had greeted each other, had stared at each other – Remus had thought it was so strange, the black-haired boy smiling at him so widely with eyes that looked so full of shadows. As far as Remus knew, usually eyes were smiling, too, together with lips, teeth and cheeks…
But luckily his new friends looked better now. Sirius waved at him and started running up the last distance to the fence, cheeks flushing quickly from the effort.
“Hey Remus! What’re you up to?” He climbed through the wooden planks of the fence, grinning up at the freckled boy.
“Thought we could ride to the brook in the little forest on the other side of the pasture, wanted to check if Spot is still spooked by the water, maybe help him get used to it. I’ve brought some picnic for us, too. Mum packed it. I think there’s even cake.” Remus nodded towards a rather large backpack laying on the ground next to a fence pole. Oh and didn’t that just sound great? Sirius body flooded with excitement at the prospect of going on adventures with Remus and the horses. Only one problem…
“But how will I ride? I can’t do it like you without anything or just a rope…” Sirius looked around for tack but didn’t see any. Remus only chuckled.
“Don’t need to. Grab the backpack and come on up, on Mari, together with me.”
“Can she carry us both?” Sirius stepped a little closer and let the big dark brown mare sniff his hand, she even nudged his face gently, causing him to giggle.
“Sure can. She’s carrying my father, usually, with all the tack, too, and he weighs lots more than us two together.” Remus clicked his tongue to get the mare’s attention off the grass then subtly steered her closer to the fence with his legs. “Here, get on the fence, then behind me.”
Sirius tried his best not to wobble too much on the middle fence plank, the big backpack weighing on his shoulders. Mari was quiet large, Remus still way up even with Sirius standing on the fence.
“Here, grab my hand.” And Sirius did as he was told for once, grabbing Remus’ arm and somehow managing to end up behind him, more crawling and being pulled than anything else, but oh well – he was up, big grin on his face, wiping his sweaty forehead. This sure was some work.
“How did you even get up here without help?” Sirius wondered aloud. Sure, Remus was with the horses all the time but the sheer size of some of them remained the same, after all. And Remus was a little smaller than Sirius, on top of everything. The other boy just shrugged his shoulders.
“Either jumping up real hard from the plank you just stood on, or balancing on the top one, or when there’s no fence or anything, Mari can lay down, too.” Sirius just stared at the younger boy with an awed expression on his face. Remus just knew so much and did all these really cool things, things he didn’t even dream of back in Vancouver.
“Okay, ready to go?” Remus looked over his shoulder with raised eyebrows, their noses only a few inches apart, golden freckles opposite pale, slightly flushed cheeks. Sirius felt a little happy swoop in his chest. Oh how he loved being here with Remus! He nodded, all the while fascinated how the sun made Remus’ eyes sparkle. But then the boy in front of him turned around and Mari started moving, snorting a little through her nostrils and Sirius quickly had to grab Remus’ shoulder not to loose his balance and greeting the ground again. Mari’s muscles underneath him swaying left-right-left-right. Remus chuckled lightly and reached behind himself with one hand, searching for Sirius’ other arm and putting it around his waist. “Don’t you fall, huh? Come on, Spot!” The almost grown-up colt flicked his ears and caught up with them at a trot.
“Don’t we need a rope for him or something?” Sirius was still busy trying to keep his balance with the swaying horse underneath him. Remus shook his head a little and chuckled.
“Nah, he’ll just follow Mari anyway.”
***
Their time at the brook was wonderful. Spot wasn’t spooked by the water anymore after a while of them playing in and around the little stream, building a dam and several bridges and even little rafts with sails made of leaves (Remus expertly tying everything together with strings of ivy!). Sirius was fascinated with Remus. How he found a solution to everything! He was so clever and skilled with his hands (sometimes even using his feet to hold something in place!) and never ending ideas – okay, Sirius was well acquainted with never ending ideas but he himself was never as structured and organized as Remus was. The curly-haired boy always seemed to have a plan. Next to Remus, Sirius felt like an amateur with all this nature-material. He didn’t grasp the fact that Remus’ skill was the natural outcome of spending half your life playing outdoors.
Also, he had never in his life been so hungry – but he had felt like that several times now, with all their roaming around the ranch these days.
As if Remus could read his mind, he put down a few more rocks into the gaps of their newly build bridge then washed his hands in the rushing water.
“Shall we have our picnic now? I’m starving!”
Simple buns (with grains and everything - the type Sirius usually never touched!), a boiled egg each, cake, a little box with nuts and dried fruit and even sliced vegetables and little tomatoes in colours Sirius had never seen them have before, had never tasted better. Even the vegetables were so good! Sirius couldn’t understand how he all of a sudden really liked them, they weren’t stale or insipid and rubbery at all. The carrots crunched between his teeth and tasted so wonderfully fresh and – like nuts? Somehow? Maybe he was just really hungry.
And maybe fruit and vegetables coming directly from a little garden behind the kitchen, freshly harvested only this morning, just had that real special taste. But this was wisdom the Sirius from Vancouver didn’t know about. Yet.
***