Secret keeper
Hope Lupin was a patient woman, but having just witnessed what insiders would call ‘the usual Black family drama’, it was all she could do not to rush over to Mrs. Black and gift her some strong words. From what she could see here so far, Regulus not talking wasn’t the only problem the Black family had… Never in her whole life had she seen two boys so pale, skin shining almost white in contrast to their black hair and eyes that seemed so alert, constantly on the watch, especially Regulus’. The younger boy’s searching glances had reminded her a little bit of her own son’s eyes, maybe… maybe there was something similar to Remus about Regulus Black…
***
After having changed the boys’ wet clothes – Sirius being in his own world the whole time, staring into the distance and hardly saying anything at all, then leaving them with the cake, lemonade and Michelle, Hope actually managed to sort things out with Mrs. Black. It had been a very strange conversation between the two women. Surprisingly, Hope had had the impression of Walburga Black needing as much guidance with the situation as the boys, although the elegantly dressed woman would never admit to that, of course. But Hope knew. She had tried her best to very carefully and subtly provide that guidance. Not having reached her husband, Walburga almost seemed relieved with Hope taking care of the current state of affairs and ‘the mess’ her older son apparently had managed to land himself in yet again.
Now on to the next step – reassuring the confused and rattled boys, not least her own son, who probably didn’t understand the world anymore…
***
When Hope returned to the little table under the tree, four pairs of worried eyes locked onto her immediately. Noticing that nobody had eaten any cake so far, she quickly sat down on an empty chair and pulled Remus, who still stood around rather anxiously, onto her lap.
“It’s alright guys, don’t worry. Your mother has calmed down and is taking a walk now, she’ll be back later.” At her words Sirius leaned back in his chair slightly and let out a relieved breath of air. His little brother was watching him closely.
“How did you manage that? Our mother calming down? And taking a walk?! Unheard of.” Sirius snorted the tiniest little bit, almost unnoticeable, sharing a rather incredulous look with Regulus.
“Sirius!” Michelle glared at the older Black brother half-amusedly half-sternly.
“What? It’s true! When was the last time she calmed down? Not when I was around, I can’t remember.” A little smile escaped the boys’ Nanny at that. She shook her head while looking at Sirius. “You’re probably right about that.”
“Well then, who’s in for some cake?” Hope took the knife and distributed the cake slices onto little colourful napkins. It was an easy marble cake and Remus started to enjoy his slice at once, using his fingers to break of little pieces and stuffing them into his mouth. Sirius watched him with a wondrous expression for a few moments, shrugged his shoulders, then quickly started with his own cake. Regulus though looked rather bewildered, watching both Remus and his brother without doing so much as fiddling with his hands. Michelle encouraged him to eat but the little boy only shook his head with a troubled look. Sirius caught his glance and the two brothers had a quick but silent conversation. Sirius almost always could hear Reg’s voice in his head. No forks. We’re not supposed to eat cake with our fingers. I’ve never eaten cake with my hands, I need a fork.
“Have you got a fork somewhere? Reg likes a fork.” Sirius blurted out after that.
“You can eat without a fork here Reg, it’s okay,” Michelle tried to explain but Sirius cut her off right away.
“You don’t understand, he needs a fork.”
Hope observed the two brothers in silent amazement. Their behavior was really quiet extraordinary. Sirius knowing what Regulus was thinking, obviously, and even understanding that he really really needed a fork. Probably, if what she knew from her own experiences with Remus, not only because he wanted to follow strict table manners, but also because he needed to do things as he was used to do them. Patterns. Understanding things.
Remus looked at his mother quickly then hopped off her lap. “I’ll fetch one quickly.”
“Bring some for all of us, honey. Might as well start with the right manners together then, hm?” Hope winked at Sirius and his brother, smiling at Michelle.
“And here I thought I’d finally get to eat the real way…” Sirius looked rather disappointed at the outlook of forks soon arriving, but also had a smile playing around his lips. Reg looked placated and would get to eat some cake, too, so that was alright, for sure.
***
The next morning found three members of the Black family plus Michelle at the entrance gate of the arena, waiting for Hope to arrive for their first therapy-session with the horses. They had spent the night in the little guest cottage, a few steps away from the main building of the Lupin Ranch. The two brothers had fallen asleep rather early after all the day’s excitement, much to Walburga’s and Michelle’s astonishment.
“Good morning! Everyone ready?” Hope just stepped into their circle with a lunchbucket-shaped, large plastic box in one hand and a rather long, coiled-up rope in the other.
“How was your first night here?”
“I have to admit it was rather calm.” Walburga furrowed her brows as if she couldn’t quiet believe the relaxed night and evening they had. Then she turned to Hope again with a questioning look.
“So how will this work? Do we all need to be inside this … enclosure here with a bunch of horses? I want to enunciate that I, personally, have no intention of being sniffed by any horse. Just to be clear.” Walburga put her chin up just so slightly, but the presumptuous air was there, no doubt. Hope just smiled. She knew these kind of people. Scared out of their wits of the unknown situation to come, with some animals on the larger side of the scale nonetheless. She’d had some seminars with manager-type people from big companies, booking her place and knowledge as a team-building event. She’d had her fair share of experience with the big shot guys. As with most pretentious or arrogant people, their whole behavior was nothing more than a wall, build up over years and years to protect themselves from feelings and disappointment. She could cope with that. All in all, people weren’t so different from horses…
“No worries. There won’t be any need. You and Michelle can just sit over there on the benches outside the fence to observe. Or you can read something if you’d like. I’ve brought a few books and magazines on Equine Therapy, in case you’re interested.” At this, Hope passed Michelle a bag, obviously filled with books and turned to talk to Walburga again.
“You can do as you please, I only have one request. Please don’t talk and especially don’t engage or say anything to me or your sons during the session. It could disturb the whole process, I hope you understand.”
“Of course. I enjoy a bit of calm and quiet every now and then.” Walburga let a pointed glare drift towards her older son. “Well then, we’ll be over there and you two listen closely to what Mrs. Lupin is telling you. I won’t condone any misbehaving, understood? Sirius?” The son in question looked up with defiance in his eyes. “Yes. I do know how to behave myself, don’t worry.”
“It’s not the knowledge that’s always the problem, Sirius. But I’m not discussing that now. Just – comporte-toi.” With that Walburga turned and marched off towards the benches. Michelle followed quickly after telling the boys quietly and with an encouraging little smile to have fun.
Hope suspected she would probably gain a lot of insight if she could find a moment to talk to Michelle in private eventually, or at least listen closely to what the girl had to say…
“Isn’t Remus coming, too? And where are all the horses?” Sirius pulled Hope from her thoughts.
“Oh, of course. Remus will be here any minute, he’s bringing Merlin from the meadow right now. And only one horse, for now. Believe me, that’s more than enough.” Hope squinted into the distance where in fact – they could see Remus approach with a big, white horse at least ten times his size, or so it seemed to Sirius at least. This horse was huge, alright. More than enough for sure.
Coming closer, Sirius realized that the horse wasn’t completely white though, its mane - which was honestly so long and fluffed up and down a little with each step – ranged from light to darker gray, the same with the tail, also the muzzle was a dark gray and the lower parts of the legs. And it just walked oh so calmly next to Remus on a long, loosely swinging lead-rope. Sirius was truly impressed. He cast a quick glance towards his mother and Michelle – both looked a little awe-struck, too – with big eyes, his mother even sporting an incredulous frown on her forehead. Sirius was quiet pleased with that. If his mother was impressed (which very seldomly happened), then maybe they could stay or even better – come back again after this week. It was with this thought that Sirius realized his little brother’s hand slipping into his. He looked at Reg with slightly raised eyebrows - are you okay? - and his brother stared back at him with his huge dark gray eyes full of important words: this horse is a giant! I don’t know what to think of that, I’ve never touched a horse, I don’t know, I don’t know, don’t let go of my hand!
“It’s fine Reg, it looks friendly don’t you think?” Regulus only gifted him with incredulously furrowed eyebrows in return. It only looks huge to me!
“Thanks Remus for bringing him. Can you just take him over to the middle and wait there, please?” Hope realized quickly that the younger one of the brothers wasn’t comfortable at all with the big horse right now, so she created some distance. It would change soon, it always did. Merlin really deserved his name. The gelding was a true wizard with kids, no matter the background, no matter the character. Well, time to tell the two brothers.
“Alright. The large white one Remus has just brought over is called Merlin. He’s 17 years old, that’d be about my age if he were human. He’s really quiet big huh? But he’s also really gentle and so so clever. He knows all about kids and he understands everything. Without words, too.” Exactly like the two of you, Hope added in her thoughts. “Is it okay if he just stands over there with Remus? He won’t move or come here if you don’t want him to, okay?” She looked at Regulus and waited for some kind of reaction of the little boy. She knew he wouldn’t just start talking now because a horse was in the arena. These things took a lot of time, and trust, and a special little something. Right now the special little something – or someone – was Sirius, because Reg was clearly communicating with him.
“It’s okay like that,” Sirius said in a quiet voice. He still looked a little awestruck. Hope looked to the smaller boy again.
“Are you sure? You can always tell us – in any way you want – if you don’t like something. You’re always allowed - encouraged even – to say or show us ‘no’. Do you understand? It’s very important to me that I know that you know that. Okay?” And to the biggest amazement of everyone present, Regulus nodded his head with a very earnest expression on his face. Hope smiled at the two boys. This was quiet some progress already.
“Good. Would somebody like to come with me and say hello to Merlin? I promise he won’t touch you or come near you if you don’t want him to. I can even tell you a little secret, but I have to whisper, so listen closely.” Hope bent her knees so she was the same height as the boys, but let them both lean in as much as they felt comfortable with. As she began to whisper, Sirius leaned in first, but Reg soon followed, so they could hear what she said. “Merlin can read minds. And hearts. If you let him. And he won’t ever tell another soul. He’s a secret keeper.” Hope winked and stood up again. Both boys had a dreamy smile on their faces. Oh how Hope loved making little kids smile. Or older ones, too, actually.
When Sirius turned his head to look at the horse – Merlin – what a cool name! - he saw Remus sitting on the ground, playing with the little wood chips that covered the whole arena. Merlin had his head bent down to the ground, too, directly next to Remus and he just stayed there, somehow, as if he was watching what Remus was up to. This was all so foreign and fascinating, Sirius didn’t even know how to feel. A bit overwhelmed, but so so curious and excited, too.
“I want to come.” The words were out of his mouth before he could really think twice about it. Remus was there with Merlin, so he wanted to try.
Hope showed him where to stand while Remus threw the rope attached to the halter over Merlin’s neck before moving several feet away and sitting down there again. Glancing back, Sirius saw his brother attentively watching them. What would happen now?
“So do I just go up to him and pet him? How does this work?” Hope smiled at him.
“You can relax, Sirius. You don’t have to do anything.” Huh? That was knew. He always had to do something…
“We let Merlin come to you. Trust him that he knows the perfect moment to do so. He’s free now, as you can see. Nobody's holding him, he’s free to go wherever he wants to. Let’s see what he chooses. All you have to do is breathe and you do that anyway right?” Sirius had to giggle a little at that. Remus’ mum was saying funny things… Would this giant horse really come to him? Why would he?
“If you want to, Sirius, you can observe a little how you feel while we’re waiting for Merlin. What mood are you in, what do you see around yourself, where are your thoughts going, how does your tummy feel, for example? Things like that. If you want to. Don’t tell me, just – feel for yourself.” Sirius almost stared at Hope now. Never, in his whole life, had anybody said things like that to him. But he was intrigued. This was interesting, This was new. So how did he feel? He wasn’t sure. He’d never thought about that before. It was a strange feeling. He looked around. There was Remus, he wasn’t paying much attention, it seemed, busy again with the wood chips between his fingers. Sirius thought he really liked Remus. That was a feeling, right? On his other side, a few feet away was Reg, with the tiniest smile on his face. He loved it when Reg smiled. His tummy got all wriggly then. And Reg was smiling now so he was okay. Sirius realized in that moment that he felt quiet happy right now.
That was the moment when something changed. Merlin shook his head (and his mane!), nothing spectacular, just a little bit – and started to walk forward. Towards Sirius. Oh my! What was he going to do? Sirius had a fleeting thought about running away but there was Hope already behind him, touching his shoulder slightly. “Just stay there, it’s fine. You can do this.” Miraculously, Sirius found he really could. He just waited and then Merlin stopped at an arm’s length before him. Sirius had this wriggly feeling in his tummy again, looking at Hope with big eyes, then back to the white gelding. He looked even more beautiful up close and somehow – majestic – yes, that was the right word. His eyes were so large and dark, long dark lashes, fur a little darker around them, too, like his gray muzzle. Oh Sirius loved him right away!
“If you want, you can stretch out your arm to let him touch and get your scent, that’s how horses greet each other, or their human friends,” Hope suggested quietly.
Sirius reached out his hand, remembering the way Remus had shown him the day before, and oh this feeling! Merlin stretched his neck slowly and stopped just the tiniest breadth before his hand, inhaling deeply. When Sirius stayed completely still, absolutely amazed by it all, the large horse touched him just oh so so gently. He could hardly feel it but it was there. Like velvet. And so so soft. It felt wonderful.
“Am I his friend now?” Sirius’ voice was only a whisper. Hope chuckled softly.
“Yes. If you want to be?” Sirius inhaled deeply, a little shakily, too - like something really really special was about to happen. “I want to.”
He looked up to see Remus watching him with a silent smile on his face. His eyes, too. There was that little sparkle again – Remus looked like Sirius felt – happy.
***