Chapter 11
chapter eleven
lily
The fickleness of the summer weather was starting to get ridiculous. Lily’s gelato had melted within minutes, and she could feel her skin tingling with the beginning of a sunburn. Pathetically, she found herself wishing for the relief of rain or a breeze or something. She wiped her forehead, thankful that she at least had a hat to protect her eyes. Beside her, Mary was cursing under her breath at her sticky gelato fingers. “I swear I’m not that messy, it just melted really fucking fast,” she said, dejectedly rinsing her fingers off in a water fountain.
“I believe you,” Lily smirked, patting her on the shoulder. Mary flinched almost imperceptibly. Shit, okay, Lily thought to herself. Don’t do that again.
“I want to go jump into a lake,” Mary moaned. “Someone needs to turn off the sun.”
“If you turned off the sun, we’d have eight minutes before we all froze to death.” Lily said. “So you’d be really cold for a second, and then you’d be dead.”
“Worth it.” Mary flicked water off her fingers at Lily.
“Hey, if you’re really that desperate, we are in a city full of baths,” Lily looked at Mary through the corner of her eye.
“Ew, no—all the water here looks like something died in it.”
“Well, the good news is we’re going to the Lake District next,” Lily said, looking at the list on her phone. “We can probably go swimming there. Also, showers tonight! I got a motel room.”
Mary perked up instantly. “Oh, sweet!”
“It's a few minutes away—D’you want to go grab the van and drop off our stuff?” Lily asked, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand.
“Yes, please.” Mary sighed, looking overjoyed at the thought of getting out of the sun.
~~~
The motel room’s air conditioning was a blessed relief. The two girls sat down by the bed, sitting in silence as the waves of cold air blew over them. The room itself wasn't anything special, but Lily was happy to be sleeping in an actual bed for the first time in a few days. Sure, the carpet had a weird stain on it and okay, the curtains were moth-eaten and thin, but at least she got to shower!
Mary stood up. “I'm going to go take a shower, if you don't mind,” she said, looking at Lily.
“Sure, go ahead.”
The soft hum of falling water filled the small room. Lily pulled her book off the bed behind her and flipped to her page, but before she could pick out where she’d left off, Mary’s voice called out from the bathroom. “THE WATER PRESSURE IS ACTUALLY ASS. JUST WARNING YOU. ALSO IT’S REALLY FUCKING COLD.”
Lily laughed. “Okay, thanks!” She thought she heard Mary mutter something along the lines of “this is torture”, but couldn’t quite make it out over the sound of the water.
Mary came out ten minutes later in a hoodie and shorts, hair mostly dry. Mary sat down beside Lily, looking over her shoulder. “What are you reading?”
Lily turned the book over to look at the cover, like she didn’t already know what it was. “House of Hades.” The book was dogeared and annotated, and the flimsy paper cover had its fair share of creases.
“Oh, hell yeah!” Mary shifted a little, bringing her knees up to her chin and wrapping her arms around her legs. “Wow, I didn’t peg you as the kind of person who writes in their books. That wasn’t a dig, I just didn’t expect it.” Mary clarified.
“I may write in my books but Remus leaves them open and face-down when he’s done reading them and breaks the spines.” Lily said, poking Mary in the shoulder.
Mary gasped. “Sacrilege!”
“I know, right? Ah, I miss him,” Lily sighed. “The bastard.”
Mary nodded. “Yeah.” She extended her legs again, tapping her fingers on her thighs. Mary’s leg bumped Lily’s the tiniest bit, sending tingles through her entire body. Lily inched away a little, feeling very warm. She was suddenly very aware of her quickening heart rate and the lump in her throat—Lily was torn between the inexplicable desire to overlap their legs at the ankle, or take Mary’s hand in her own, and the need to get as far away as possible.
She stood up suddenly, saying, “Well, I feel gross. I’m going to go wash all the sweat and grime off my body.” Mary gave her a thumbs up, and began to inspect the back cover of Lily’s book.
Lily grabbed a change of clothes and her soaps and hurried into the tiny bathroom. She closed the door behind her, taking a deep breath. This kept happening, and it was starting to get worrying. Was Lily having an allergic reaction or something to Mary’s perfume? No, that was stupid. Lily didn’t have any allergies, except for bee stings and sesame seeds. And she was pretty positive Mary’s perfume contained neither. It actually smelled like a combination of roses and vanilla—not too overpowering, but a scent with which Lily had become pretty familiar with over the last few days. And her shampoo was fruity and sweet, but beneath all of that was a smell Lily couldn’t quite describe, that was just… Mary.
Snap out of it! Lily thought to herself sternly, actually slapping herself on the forehead. This pretty effectively drew her out of her weird spiral. She just needed to get in the shower and clear her mind, Lily decided.
Lily stripped off her sweaty clothes and stepped into the soft spray. Mary was right, it was icy cold. She turned the knob, praying it would get warmer, but alas. The cold water would actually be refreshing, if she could stop shivering.
This was not clearing her mind.
Fuck.
Well, friends thought about how each other smelled, right? And it was normal to be nervous around someone Lily didn’t know super well.
But somehow Lily already felt comfortable around Mary. She had for a while. So being this nervous didn’t make sense. Lily tilted her face into the water, and let the cold shower fall over her closed eyes. Maybe she could call Remus, and he’d have some helpful insight. But… Lily sort of doubted it. She’d always found friendships confusing, especially ones with girls. It was easier to dismiss two girls hugging, or sitting in each other’s laps, or calling each other affectionate nicknames, because that just seemed to be something girls did. Lily had never liked those kinds of things—they made her irrationally anxious. She stared down at the water dripping from her hair, exhaling shakily.
Why did this all have to be so confusing?
Lily leaned her head back, staring at the mold-stained ceiling. Although barely audible over the rush of water, Lily thought she heard Mary humming in the other room. Lily suddenly felt a surge of affection for this girl. Lily had hyperfixated on friendships before, but it’d never felt quite like this. Like friendship but italicized and in bold. Something a little more, a little different.
Lily got out of the shower, avoiding the mirror, and toweled her hair. Slipping on her clean clothes, she thought that whatever these mystery feelings she had towards Mary were, they certainly weren’t the same ones she felt toward her other friends.
She felt a little better knowing she’d at least thought it out.
Still… maybe she would text Remus.
chapter eleven
mary
Mary had missed actual beds. Sure, it meant Lily was sleeping across the room from her, and okay, maybe that was a little disappointing, but… mattresses!
She woke up in the morning without a crick in her back and tied her hair up at the crown of her head. Mary clambered up onto the counter in the bathroom to be closer to the mirror as she carefully applied eyeliner. Behind her, Lily was brushing her hair out with a yawn.
“We have the longest driving distance so far today, so we’d better get on the road soon,” Lily said, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. She looked down at her phone and smiled. “Hey, c’mere.”
Mary hopped off the counter and shuffled over to Lily, peering over her shoulder.
“My mom just texted me this—it’s me and Remus six years ago today.”
They were about the same height, sitting together on a porch swing. Lily had blue braces and her hair was in two buns at the back of her head, and was grinning right at the camera. Remus was distracted by something in a book Lily had in her lap, apparently unaware he was being documented. His hair was much shorter than it was now, and cut choppily. Lily’s fingers were stained with paint or markers, and wisps of red hair were escaping their hair ties. Mary couldn’t help but smile. “You were twelve?”
“Yup.”
“I’ve decided I need to see more pictures of young Lily, because that’s got to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” Mary declared.
“I think I probably have some more,” Lily said, scrolling through her camera roll. Mary couldn’t quite tell, but she thought most of the pictures Lily took were of their friends. A small part of Mary wondered if Lily had ever taken a picture of her. Her heart stumbled at the thought. “Oh, here!” Lily tilted her phone towards Mary. “I saved this one a while ago, I think. It’s a class picture from a primary school field trip. That’s me.” She pointed to a girl clutching a textbook and map to her chest, looking enthralled with everything going on around her. “We went to the aquarium.”
“You look so excited about that,” Mary laughed, feeling almost sick with affection. Her chest was unbearably tight, like her heart was too big for her ribcage.
“I love whales,” Lily explained, smiling softly.
Mary looked at the picture again, skimming over the other students. One with long blonde hair caught her eye. She looked closer.
“...Hey, is that Marls?” Lily looked where she was pointing.
“Oh, maybe! Sure looks like her, doesn’t it?”
If that was Marlene, then beside her must be…
Almost entirely hidden behind the students in front of her was a girl with her mouth open in a wide smile, arm around Marlene’s shoulders. She had a puff of brown and blonde hair held back with clips, and her eyes were pressed close in laughter. Mary gasped. “No fucking way! Did you go to Crestview?”
“Only for a year, why?”
“That’s me!”
Lily gasped. “Are you serious? No, don’t make the joke—”
Mary was already laughing.
The two girls spent longer than they should have scrolling through Lily’s old pictures. Mary loved Lily more and more with each one. Love. Love, love, love. The word seemed to echo in her mind.
~~~
They packed up their things and stopped at a gas station to get road trip snacks (sour cream and onion Pringles, chocolate bars, and applesauce packets) before setting off. Mary sat her phone on the stand and started the playlist.
Music echoed through the sunlit van, Mary humming along. Lily tapped her fingers on the steering wheel (she’d insisted on driving again). Google Maps had essentially just told them they’d be driving on the same roads for an hour, so they settled into a comfortable rhythm.
The British countryside passed in a soft green haze. Mary pinned a t-shirt up in the window to dim the sun’s glare a little, and Lily set up a mini fan on the dashboard. Still, it was very hot. Mary had long since taken off her sweater.
“Oh, is this Phoebe Bridgers?” Lily asked, looking at Mary’s phone.
“Yeah!”
“I don’t listen to her very often, but I’ve heard a few of her songs,” Lily commented, clicking the turn signals briefly to shift lanes. “...Mostly I just listen to Taylor. Also Hozier. Aaand maybe the occasional Disney soundtrack.”
“Oooh, we need to expand your music tastes,” Mary said, picking up her phone. “Okay, we’re listening to the entirety of Punisher.” She hit play and set her phone back on its stand, turning the volume up a few notches. She picked up her crochet square and started pulling at the loops as the soft lull of Garden Song filled the van.
I don’t know when you got taller
See our reflection in the water
Off a bridge at the Huntington
I hopped the fence when I was seventeen
Then I knew what I wanted
They were silent for a long while, but it wasn’t awkward. It felt just as comfortable as laughing and singing at the tops of their lungs—just this time a little quieter, and a little softer. It felt as though their edges were beginning to smooth—hard corners becoming curves, slowly melting into each other. Like the seam between the two girls became more and more difficult to see. Just… being. And blending together. Like it was the most natural thing in the world.
And as the songs passed, Mary thought, I think I could do forever with you.
Even if they stayed like this and never changed. Mary thought it would be enough.
So we spent what was left of our serotonin
To chew on our cheeks and stare at the moon
Said she knows she lived through it to get to this moment
Ate a sleeve of saltines on my floor, and I knew then
I would do anything you want me to
I would do anything for you
I would do anything, I would do anything
Whatever you want me to do, I will do