I Can't Shake This Feeling
✧✩✧
Regulus
✧✩✧
Regulus skipped the game. He didn’t want to sit in a crowd with his old friends to watch his ex-boyfriend and estranged brother play each other at football. Regulus is too scared to even be spotted looking at Barty and the others anymore so here he is. Sat on the Astronomy Tower, drinking wine from a bottle he got from Xenophilius - the only person he’s spoken to in ages to not scream at him for leaving them other than Fiona.
It was a nice change at least.
The wine went down easier than anything else Regulus has tried to drink before. His mind was getting fuzzy and warm as he neared the bottom of the bottle and he just wanted more. It feels nice to not feel the paranoia and loneliness he’s feeling.
He knows it’s his fault but he doesn’t want to watch the people he loves die. Regulus knows he probably won’t live long like this so it won’t be too long of him avoiding them. They can move on if he’s dead, they can’t try to save him if he’s not there to be saved.
They have to outlive him. All of them or else he’s failed.
He takes another swig, he knows his maman would frown upon him for this. How uncivilised he’s being. He’s lucky she can’t see him, she’d say something about how he’s bringing shame on their family. How he’s making people think that they’d choose a common alcoholic as their heir and how desperate for a male heir that they’d give the title to someone like that.
But he’s not an alcoholic. It’s just a one time thing, he’s sure Xeno would eventually stop selling to him if he got too worried because he’s too nice to make his money this way. He’d probably have to turn to Mulciber who’d definitely empty his pockets, not only with just buying the alcohol but also to try to stop him telling his parents.
Though it will never come to that he’s sure.
“Regulus?” A voice calls, they sound bored and tired.
He turns to find Dorcas Meadowes staring at him, concern in those dark eyes, her skin - darker than the midnight sky - glittering in the weak sun of January’s winter.
“You should leave.” He huffs, knocking back the rest of the bottle in one go and chucking it aside, watching as it rolls across the floor, before it hits a wall, rolling back and forth a bit before stopping against the wall again with a clink.
“I don’t know what’s happened to you but I’m sure you’re not stupid enough to think I’d do that.” Dorcas says matter of factly, standing over him with a critical look in her eyes. She looks disappointed in him.
He understands, he’s disappointed in himself too.
“I’m not saying this for me.” Regulus spits, looking back up at the girl, stumbling to his feet and swaying under the weight of his own body - he’s still shorter than her by a bit but he didn’t think about that until he had to still crane his neck to look at his old friend.
“Then who?” She asks simply, tossing her armpit length dark brown braids over her shoulder absentmindedly.
“You.” He manages, holding himself up on the wall, trying to keep some composure.
“Right…” Dorcas says disbelievingly. “What’s going to endanger me from being around you? Because you don’t scare me.” She says with a roll of her eyes, sounding bored as she leans against the wall next to him, her eyes focused over the horizon.
“I mean it.” Regulus slurs, dropping himself to sit on the floor again, knowing his legs aren’t going to hold him up for much longer and he wasn’t even getting a height advantage like he hoped - that boy rarely gets a height advantage but he tried. “Maman said that…” He takes a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut. “She said that if she saw anyone who wasn’t pure enough to be around the heir of the Black family then she’d kill them…”
“And who is pure enough?” Dorcas asks, turning to look at the boy who’s sitting below her.
“Mulciber and his goons I think.” Regulus shrugs, hiccuping but ignoring it to plow on. “But I don’t think they’re as pure as the Black family but they’ll do.”
“Everything I hear about your mother the more of a cunt she seems.” Dorcas spits, scuffing her shoe against the floor angrily.
“You should go…” Regulus mumbles.
“Ok… But this isn’t the end of this. I’m getting you out of there if it’s the last thing I do.” She sighs, leaning down to ruffle his hair before leaving the tower, throwing a “Goodbye Regulus” over her shoulder before she’s gone from his sight.
♜♔♜
Peter
♜♔♜
The group all managed to get the game called off the second they tried to get everyone back on the pitch to continue. Now Peter, Frank, Marlene and Nichole are all sitting around James’ bed. Everyone else who didn’t grow up with him are sitting outside the Hospital Wing having to wait for updates while his parents are making the long 10 hour drive to the school - they’ve been on their way since 12 pm when James fainted.
James woke up on his way up and now Pomfrey’s talking through what caused his fainting spell. She mentioned Hypoglycemia which she had to explain was low blood sugar. Which she then had to explain was caused by lack of eating.
James tried to convince everyone that it was only because he was spending too much time fussing over Sirius that he forgot to look after himself. Though he must have forgotten that everyone in that room - other than Pomfrey - watched him become stick thin from when he was 13 and they watched as he got worse and worse without a reason for it to happen.
He kept trying to beg that he was the healthiest he’s ever been but Peter knows that isn’t true. He remembers when he was 12 and getting ready for football practice. James took off his shirt on a random day and Peter’s eyes caught on the dark skin. On his healthy weight and slight muscles coming in. He still had child’s puppy fat as all 12 year olds do but he was everything Peter wasn’t and he always wished to look like that. To look perfect.
Peter had to watch his idol - and the boy who caused his bi awakening that he’d never tell a soul about - get thinner and thinner.
No matter what he did he’d always just be the funny fat friend. The boy who whenever he got in a relationship he’d hear someone say something about personality or how funny he was. Because no one can find anyone without a stick thin waist beautiful anymore. He watched his best friend who already had the perfect body destroy himself over it.
Not even the perfect ones were safe and James refuses to admit that that’s gotten to him.
He wishes he could find the person who made James feel like he wasn’t slim enough and he could… give them a stern talking to. Hitting people’s more Marlene’s thing but he would never take any excuse for anyone doing anything to hurt his friend.
Any of them.
Peter felt so relieved when Fleamont and Euphemia Potter showed up at 10pm and bolted to their son. The group were ushered out of the room and convinced to get a late dinner while they spoke about next steps.
Next steps.
It makes Peter feel sick that he just watched his best friend tear himself apart and he did nothing. How did no one say anything?
“I fucking failed him.” Sirius hisses while the group are eating a very subdued dinner in the kitchens - because curfew had already started but Dumbledore made an exception because they need to eat. They stab into their sausage violently and scoop some of the mash onto their fork aggressively as they speak.
“Sirius, you haven’t known him long enough to blame yourself. You never had to know…” Frank sighs. “And all that shit about forgetting to eat because he was looking after you is bullshit. He didn’t want to be caught out so he used a cheap excuse.”
“Both of my brothers are fucking falling apart and I haven’t done anything to help them.” They whine, bowing their head as if they’re trying to stop themself from crying.
“It’s ok… he’s getting help now… he’ll get better.” Frank sighs. “And we will help however we can. All of us.” He says, eyes sweeping warningly over the table which draws out a tired sounding chorus of “Of course we will”’s and “Yes”’s.
☽☾
Remus
☽☾
Remus and Lily went to visit James after his parents left to sort out restarting him with his therapist the next morning. James managed to convince them to let him stay at school with frequent check ups by Pomfrey and with Sirius ensuring that they’d never let James get away with not eating ever again.
When they got there, James was asleep, curled up on his side with wires poking out of him with his head bowed. He’s not wearing his glasses which - even though he wears contacts when they’re playing football - still makes his face look odd to Remus.
“I… I have something to admit.” Lily says nervously, her eyes downcast as if in shame.
“What’s up?” Remus asks, looking up from James’ sleeping form to his best friend.
“I… I think I’m a lesbian.” She mumbles, guilt showing on her reddening face.
“Oh!” He gasps, his eyes widening at her.
“Yeah…” She says nervously. “I haven’t told anyone but…” Lily’s eyes flick to her unconscious boyfriend. “I think I only really dated him because everyone was telling me how good he’d be for me and…” She takes a deep breath. “I hoped they were right because I was having all these thoughts that maybe I was but if I made myself like James then I could just… ignore it…”
“Shit…” Remus mumbles, playing with the long sleeves of his ugly knitted jumper that Sirius got him for Christmas when James, his dad and Sirius all went to get stuff for their dorm - after Christmas but Remus can accept that they were a little but too busy to focus on getting Remus a present.
“He’s great but… fuck I’m a terrible person…” She whines, pulling at her ginger hair in distress. “I wish I liked men because he was perfect but I just love to fuck everything up.”
“No you’re not!” Remus gasps, rushing over to her to pull her hands away from her hair. “You have only been together like… a few months. And we’re teenagers, not all of us are gonna have everything figured out and have met and been with the love of our lives before we turn 16.” Remus reminds her. “Do you think people that realise they’re gay when they’ve been married for 10 years are bad people?” He asks.
“No!” Lily gasps defensively. “Of course not they-”
“Then you are just a teenager that realised something about yourself. Trust me, James may be a bit upset but I’m sure he’ll be happy for you.” Remus smiles.
“Thank you…” Lily mumbles. “Maybe I should wait though…”
“Tell him whenever you feel it’s time.” Remus smiles. “Proud of you.” He grins, going back to his seat on the other side of James. “But don’t make yourself miserable by forcing yourself to stay with him because you’re scared he can’t handle it. Your mental health is important too.” He reminds her before going back to his book.
✧✩✧
Regulus
✧✩✧
It’d been a few days since Dorcas had approached him at the Astronomy Tower and he was there again. He managed to convince Xenophilius to let him buy another bottle so here he was. He let his legs dangle over the edge - something he was too scared to do until now with the fear of dying, now he doesn’t care.
“Regulus?” A voice calls.
Fucking hell not again.
He whips around, placing down his unopened bottle of wine and finds James Potter standing in the doorway.
Regulus heard about everything through lousy gossip in his History lesson. His seatmate - Fiona Nott who he’s sure his parents will want him to marry soon enough - told him all about it. She’s been talking to him a lot and - if Regulus is honest - she’s a lot better than he thought she’d be. She apparently hates all the friends she has to have for appearances and Regulus is sure she’d get along well with his group.
Well, old group now he guesses.
She also hates the system they’ve grown up in and apparently she doesn’t like men so Regulus supposes she is probably the best option if he is forced to marry her. She’s smart and a bit weird. Regulus seems to always gravitate to the smart, weird ones. He wonders what that says about him? And Regulus knows that they could have mistresses if they wanted and neither would ultimately care.
“That happens to be my name.” He drawls, leaning against the railing next to him.
“I didn’t know you’d be here.” James says nervously, sitting down next to him. “I just… I get why Sirius is hovering over me but I just need a minute.” He gasps, leaning back onto his hands.
“Do you really?” Regulus asks, turning to face James with a raised eyebrow.
“Yes, I fainted because I’m not eating and now whenever I have a meal someone has to be there to convince me to eat. I’m not stupid, Regulus.” He spits.
“Never said you were.” He shrugs, opening his bottle and holding it out to James in question.
“As much as I’d love to, I think Sirius would never let me go anywhere alone if the one time they let me out of their sight so they can be with their boyfriend, I come back drunk.” James sighs, laying down onto his back.
“Why aren’t you spending time with your girlfriend?” Regulus asks, taking a large swig of his wine.
“She… I overheard her talking with Remus about how she thinks she’s a lesbian but she doesn’t want to make me worse so she’ll wait. She said it when she thought I was out when I was in the Hospital Wing.” James sniffs. “If I’m honest I just want her to tell me and get it over with. Ugh, why do I always have to overhear the worst shit from my girlfriends?” He gasps, squeezing his chocolate eyes closed and pulling his glasses off of his head.
“Bad luck, I suppose.” Regulus shrugs, taking a larger gulp than before.
“I heard about your relationship too…” James starts awkwardly. “Suppose we’re both unlucky in love.” He laughs sadly.
“I always expected that.” Regulus shrugs. “I will be forced to marry a girl from a rich family and give her children, me and Barty were never going to last, no matter what he thought would happen. I’m not going to run away from that house for a man. No matter what I think about him, I value my life and if I was stupid enough to do that, then I’m sure maman would kill him so I’m doing him a favour.”
“That’s sad.” James sighs. “My worst nightmare is having to marry someone I don’t love. Having to wake up next to them and know your person slipped through your fingers…”
“Good to know my whole family’s existence is your worst nightmare.” Regulus sighs, taking another swig. “And Barty isn’t my person.” He quickly rectifies. “I don’t think we were that for each other and we knew that…”
“Do you think he does?” James asks.
“Yeah, but he got too attached. If I’m honest I think he’s more upset that I let them shape me into what they wanted rather than the fact we’re over…” He says simply.
“Sirius is worried about you…” James sighs after a few minutes of silence, his eyes locked on the night sky above them. “And me… poor guy nearly died a few weeks ago and they’re having to worry about and look after us.” He laughs.
“Yeah… but they shouldn't worry about me…” Regulus mumbles, sloshing the wine in his bottle around, watching it as he thinks. “They’re out of there and I’ve taken their place as Heir to the House of Black.”
“You sound so pretentious.” He laughs. “But… have you never thought that they wanted you to come with them?” James asks, looking over to Regulus blindly but his eyes are so wide and earnest.
Regulus understands why Sirius clings to him so hard.
“That wouldn’t work.” Regulus huffs after he comes back to himself. “Maman would accept losing one of us as she can replace her heir but she can’t lose us both. The Black family cannot die. She refuses.”
“So you have to watch everyone you love be free and happy while you’re chained to that house?” James asks, sitting up and his eyes are full of so much sympathy and sadness that Regulus doesn’t know what to do with.
“It’s fine.” Regulus quickly defends. “I belong there more than Sirius. They have more to give than I do. The world will be a better place now they can be themself.”
“And what do you want?” James asks. “What can you give to the world? I’m sure there’s something.”
“I liked art but I haven’t bothered in a while. It’s not going to further the Black family business.” Regulus says, watching the red liquid swish around in the bottle.
“Fuck the business!” James shouts. “I’m not asking about the business, I'm asking what you want!”
“What I want isn’t important.” Regulus says simply. “I shouldn’t even be here with you.” He quickly remembers. “I should go. Goodbye, Potter.” He says, jumping to his feet, abandoning the bottle on the tower before rushing back to the basement.
Away from the stupid thoughts of a life outside of the Black family’s clutches.