While You Were Making Up Your Mind, I Lost Mine
☼𐂂☼
James
☼𐂂☼
James and Remus spent almost all of their time sitting next to Sirius’ bedside. They weren’t out for too long and then they were sent home a few days before New Year’s Eve. Sirius barely left their bed in the lead up to the end of the year, spending most of it cuddling with Remus when they allowed him into their bed or laughing with James and chucking around that little football that started their brotherhood just 3 months before.
James barely let himself rest or eat because of how hard he threw himself into caring for Sirius. He just sat next to them or talked or got them whatever they asked for whenever they asked for, like their own personal butler. He couldn’t bear letting them out of his sight after they came home.
New Year’s Eve was a welcome distraction from the mess that was Christmas.
James was exhausted after having to sleep in an uncomfortable armchair that his maa put next to Sirius’ bed every night. He was curled up on the sofa with Lily - he never noticed how much he missed her over the break until she was sitting next to him.
Sirius is sitting on some armchair, they’re still covered in bandages and their nose also has a bandage on it from the extreme shattering their mother did to it - they refuse to tell anyone what actually happened that night but James has made some guesses that he hopes are too far fetched but he’s sure they aren’t. Sirius looks stiff and uncomfortable, like the slightest movement would be too hard for them. Remus is sitting on one of the arms of the chair, leaning into his boyfriend and stroking their inky black hair with a fond smile on his scarred face.
Frank and Peter are involved in a very passionate game of chess. Frank is losing - as expected because Peter’s a bit too good at the game - and taking it terribly. He’s been checkmated at least 5 times in a row with the longest time he’s been able to play before losing being 10 minutes. After the 5th time he gives up, taking one of the rooks and deciding to play catch with Marlene - who’s in the dining room - through the open door.
Nichole is sitting next to her at the table sipping from a mug of hot chocolate while sketching something into the fancy sketchbook James got her for Christmas. She’s occasionally being smashed in the face by the flying chess piece. The first time she was shocked, her headphones making her dead to the world and the chaos happening just next to her from Marlene Mckinnon.
“This place is warmer than I thought a house this big could be.” Lily says from her spot against James’ side.
“Yeah.” He nods. “My parents always wanted lots of kids so… they have lots of love to give… I guess it shows in the house too.” James smiles, carding his hands through her fiery long hair which she recently cut a fringe into while on facetime with James.
He remembers her panic as she did it. They were called at night like they always did and she then walked into her bathroom with some scissors and panicked over the new addition to her hair. James thinks it suits her and assured her of that fact even when she panicked. Her sister made sure to make her feel even more insecure about her hair before announcing that she got engaged the night before after she’d had enough of Lily being the centre of attention.
James listened as Lily ranted about her sister’s attention seeking behaviours that night. He makes sure to compliment her even more than he did before after that.
“It’s really nice here.” She smiles. “And your mum is-”
“If you’re going to call her hot I think I might have a breakdown.” James interrupts, looking deadly serious.
“No, I don’t find your mum hot…” Lily laughs. “Well… she’s not too bad.”
“Why do all of you love my parents so much?” James groans, holding his face in his hands.
“Because they’re hot.” Sirius grins from their chair, leaning around Remus to wiggle their eyebrows suggestively at James and wink before moving back to how they sat before - invested in the Wallace and Gromit films James’ chacha always insists must be on at Christmas time. Sirius had never seen them until a few days ago and now they're obsessed. They’re currently watching The Wrong Trousers with Remus who has apparently watched them so much he could recite the whole script back to you if you asked according to Lily.
“I was going to say she’s a good cook.” Lily quickly rectifies.
“Well… she went to culinary school before quitting after an incident that made her want to be a nurse.” James shrugs.
“If she had a restaurant I’d go every day.” Lily smiles.
“So would I!” Marlene grins, sauntering into the living room before chucking the rook at Frank which just whacks him in the forehead rather than going into his outstretched hands. “But the food wouldn’t be my main objective.” She mock whispers to Lily.
“She’s nearly 60! How the fuck are you attracted to her!?” James gasps exasperatedly.
Marlene shrugs. “MILF.” She says simply, popping one of the snacks she made for the long night into her mouth.
“I’m going to kill you.” James exclaims jumping up - quickly apologising to Lily for pushing her off of him so suddenly - before chasing Marlene through the house.
“James… leave her alone.” His maa sighs, carrying some snacks into the living room James and Marlene just ran out of.
“Yes maa.” He groans, turning back to the room to sit back next to Lily.
Sirius seems to be getting more comfortable here, as they’re actually talking now rather than a few days ago when they’d just sit in silence and stare at the walls like they’re closing in on them. Remus and his mum are happily talking amongst each other while Sirius occasionally butts in to say their piece on the matter. Remus seems to be having the time of his life - two of the people he cares about most in the world are talking amongst each other and enjoying it.
It makes James’ heart happy just looking at it.
☼𐂂☼
They go back to school a week after New Year’s.
James and his paapa helped Sirius pick out some decorations for their side of the dorm so the three all set up their dorm, trying to make it look homely. James is placing photos on the shared bookshelf - some of James’ from before they went to Hogwarts and some of Sirius’ from the camera James bought them.
“Woah, you all look so different.” Sirius smiles, pointing at one of the photos from when James was 12.
They were having this picnic together before James went to India to visit his - now dead - Grandparents for the Summer. James, Peter, Frank, Marlene and Nichole are all sat on an old blanket Augusta Longbottom managed to fish out of her shed while the rest of their parents made food for the five teens. James was using gel on his unruly hair at the time - he’s so glad he stopped being embarrassed of the wild curls because it looked fucking stupid - making it flat and shiny, Nichole had her natural black hair which just looks wrong on her now. Marlene had long blonde hair pulled up into a braid that James is sure she made him do, Peter just looked smaller and more timid. Frank was slimmer and his dark hair was short and shaggy around his freckled face - just shorter than it is now.
“Yeah… this was when I was twelve…” James smiles, tracing his fingers over the wooden frame. “That day was great, Nichole gave Marlene those earrings she always wears.”
“Wait, Nichole made them?” Sirius gasps. “I’ve always wanted my ears pierced but my maman said that it was too feminine for an heir who’s meant to be strong, fearful and masculine.” They shrug.
“We can do that.” James grins, pulling the piercing gun out of one of the drawers.
“Maybe I’ll get Remus to do it.” They suggest, their face going all dopey at the mention of him.
“I would say that’d be a good date idea but I don’t know how I’d feel if Lily proposed stabbing me in the ears.” James sighs. “But each to their own.” He shrugs, going back to placing more photos around the room.
“Fair enough.” They shrug.
James’ paapa walks back into the room to say goodbye to them before leaving to say goodbye to the hundred of kids he had staying over at his house over the two weeks before going on his way all the way back to Folkestone.
✧✩✧
Regulus
✧✩✧
Regulus managed to avoid everyone for a whole week.
He spent most of his time in the library, alone. He was miserable but he knows that if he was spotted with any of his friends then he’d be feeling even worse because their slow and painful deaths will have been his fault.
But one evening, he was eating dinner in the kitchens like he now does every night when the door swings open. Barty walks in, talking smoothly with Winky who he winks at before turning to Regulus with anger in those green eyes.
“You are alive.” Barty hisses. “Good to know.” He leans back against one of the walls, his arms crossed over his chest. “So… why’re you avoiding everyone then?”
“I am the heir to the Most Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.” Regulus says simply, jumping down from the counter he was previously sitting on to try and stand in a way that his mother wouldn’t spit on him for.
“Yeah, I don’t really care about that because I’ve heard.” Barty laughs bitterly, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, not caring when the cooks panic because of the smoke alarm - Regulus watches one take the batteries out before going back to cleaning up after dinner. “I want to know why you’re off letting yourself sulk and oh… ignoring your fucking boyfriend!” He spits, taking a long drag of his fag, leaning into Regulus to blow the smoke into his face and laughing when it makes his eyes water.
“Because you are not worthy of breathing the same fucking air as someone like me.” Regulus hisses, blinking the water out of his eyes before he glares at him. “And we’re done, I don’t know why I was so pathetically desperate to date someone like you.”
“Right… so all bullshit then?” Barty asks and Regulus can see the boy’s heart breaking but he hides it. “Glad I wasted my time on you.” He laughs. “And you know what? I don’t care!” He shouts, breaking into manic laughter and stumbling back into the wall like he’s drunk.
“Barty-”
“No… no… you don’t want to talk to someone like me, remember?” He hisses, his words razor sharp. “So I’m going to talk and you’re going to fucking listen.”
“Fine.” Regulus sighs, feeling a deep pit in his stomach from the erratic movements Barty seems to be making.
“I love you.” He spits like it hurts to say.
“I love you and you knew that before the holidays but then… what? Sirius got shipped away to the Potter’s and suddenly that doesn’t mean shit to you? Because I know for sure that it did back then.” Barty takes another long drag, waiting for Regulus to explain but how can he?
“You-” Regulus takes a deep breath, not wanting to sound emotional when he says this, his maman wouldn’t want that. “You are not pure enough for a Black heir.” He says simply. “Now you can go.”
“Fine!” He laughs, throwing his hands out while tipping his head back with a pained laugh that stabs Regulus right in his heart. “Fine! Be alone! See if I fucking care!” He screams, practically running out of the kitchen as the door slams behind him.
Regulus is sure his heart is black, just like his whole family’s is. It must be, because he wouldn’t have done that to a person if he was normal. If he was Sirius then he would have still been with Barty anyway because their family can’t chain them down like they wish they could. If he was anyone else he would hide his relationship - only loving him in the shadows - but Barty isn’t one to do that. He’s loud and passionate and Regulus can’t try to make him hide that.
He just can’t.
It’s not fair.
✧✩✧
Regulus is on his way to one of his lessons when he feels a hand drag him into one of the many unused classrooms.
He turns to come face to face with his - now estranged - brother.
“Sirius.” He says calmly, hoping they can’t see through the facade. “What do you want?”
“For my brother to talk to me, perhaps.” Sirius says angrily. “You never come to The Great Hall for meals and you’re not spending time with your friends.” They say accusingly. “I asked.”
“Ok?” Regulus says brattily, crossing his arms over his chest. “Why do you care?” He asks.
“Because I wanted you to come with me and it really shows that you’re not safe in that house if you’re too scared to spend time around your friends.” They say simply, crossing their arms over their chest.
“Or maybe now I’m the heir I wanted to start taking things seriously.” Regulus huffs.
He saved Sirius from the house and now they’re trying to make him feel bad for it? He’s the good guy here. He just wanted to protect his brother from the horrors of that house like they always did for him. Why can’t he just thank him and let him make the decisions he wants to make?
“Reg… the Potter’s are good people, maybe-”
“NO!” He shouts, slamming his fist into the wall next to him. “I will be the heir, I won’t just run away, ok? You don’t belong in that house but I do!” He hisses, looking at his brother to see sadness in their eyes.
“Come to me when you realise that it won’t make maman like you.” Sirius sighs, going to walk out of the door but Regulus grabs their arm, stopping them.
“She doesn’t love you because you’re inadequate, I on the other hand am exactly what she wants in an heir.” He hisses.
“What has happened to my sweet baby brother?” They ask.
“You decided that this family wasn’t enough for you. You stopped being my brother so I stopped being the boy you loved.” Regulus says, losing all emotion in his voice. “You stopped loving me so I became what maman would love.”
“I raised you more than she did!” Sirius spits, yanking their arm out of Regulus’ hold. “I’ve always loved you! Always! But you always act like I hate you! She’ll never love you because you’ll never be pure enough because no one is! I just want you to be happy because I love you and I know you’ll be happy away from that house!”
“Whatever.” Regulus huffs. “But I’m living like this for you, it was either you die or this.” He hisses. “And you don’t deserve to die in that house. You never belonged there, you were too full of life but I do. So I will die in those halls just like I was born in those halls.” Regulus says simply, leaving the room and hoping that Sirius leaves him be.
For their own safety more than Regulus’.
★✫★
Sirius
★✫★
It’s the school’s first game day since Christmas and it’s against Ravenclaw, the only team they haven’t played against yet.
James - once again - is hovering over them like he’s scared they’re going to snap while they’re in the changing rooms. Sirius doesn’t think they’ve seen that boy eat or sleep in ages but they’re sure they just missed something. James can look after himself just like Sirius can look after themself, even if he refuses to believe that they can after everything at Christmas.
So as usual the teams walk out onto the pitch but - unlike normal times - James is silent. He looks glum as he walks out behind Remus and in front of Sirius. They stand in front of Barty Crouch Jr before kick off and they get started.
James seems lethargic and his plays are sloppy. He’s stumbling around the pitch.
Sirius is right in front of the goal, they look out of the corner of their eyes to try to spot James so they can pass when they watch his eyes roll back before he slumps down into the astroturf below them out of nowhere.
“James!” They scream, rushing to their friend while everyone else has frozen in shock.
Sirius doesn’t know what’s going on around them as they prop James’ head onto their lap, as they stroke their hand through their unconscious friend’s hair. They pull the mask off of their face - protecting their healing nose from extra injury - so they can see James properly as he lays in their lap.
“Mr Black, can you please let us look at him.” Madame Pomfrey says sweetly and Sirius feels Remus - they’d be able to recognise the feeling of those hands anywhere - pull them up to their feet away from James. He pulls them to the bench, handing them some water and a granola bar, sitting next to them while whispering soothing words as they both watch their friend be stretchered off of the pitch.
Peter’s panicking with Frank and the twins on the opposite end of the pitch - talking to all their friends who are watching from the stands in horror.
“He’ll be ok… we’ll find out what’s happened and then we’ll make sure it’ll never happen again, ok?” Remus whispers, rubbing Sirius’ back soothingly.
“Y-yeah… I don’t want to f-fail both of my brothers.” They mumble but Remus can’t properly hear them and they’re sure that’s probably for the better.