Remus had always had this sort of far away look in his eyes. Not as he wanted to be somewhere far away from here, but as in when he looked out the window, he wanted to explore the sky. It’s something Sirius had always admired about him.
They were out on a grassy field, staring up at the night sky. It was Sirius’s favorite place to go with Remus, because of how Remus looked up at the sea of stars. It was like he couldn’t focus on anything but the sky. Though he would’ve rather had Remus’s attention on him, he just look so bloody beautiful. There were a couple drinks near them. This was a usual night, stargazing while drinking. It was much easier to just drink then talk to Remus sober and realize all his feelings.
He knew this wasn’t normal, for a bloke to think about his mate in this way. So, he simply wasn’t sober around Remus. Much easier to not face his feelings that way. But honestly, Remus was just so bloody charming. Everyone had practically had a crush on Remus at one point, but he was just so oblivious he didn’t notice. Who wouldn’t want a handsome, tall, sarcastic, and clever boy? Part of Sirius wants Remus to notice he doesn’t stare at him in a friend way, but most of Sirius does not. It would just become too complicated. Sometimes, Remus looks at him a little too long, and Sirius could be a little hopeful. But it would never happen.
So, Sirius just stares the younger boy, looking for something deeper in his eyes, yearning for his touch. Only, Remus is staring back with a bit of an odd in his eyes. They sit there for a moment, and Sirius just wants to lean him and snog him, but he suppresses those thoughts. Remus’s lips look so pink and beautiful, and Sirius has the insane urge to bite them.
Remus leaned back some more, laying on the ground now. He stopped looking at Sirius, but all Sirius wants is his eyes back on him again. Just look at me. Look at me. Sirius ever so strangely thought.
“You know, Sirius,” Remus begins to speak, taking another swig out of one of the bottles. “Sometimes, I think this world is fake, and you’re the only real thing.”
Sirius could feel the blood rush to his face. Remus just looks at him, his expression unreadable. He could swear, just for a second, Remus’s eyes darted down to his lips. Stop paying attention to his eyes! You stare at them constantly. Gosh, you have to say something now. Come on! He’s going to think you’re weird. Say anything!
“I.. I.. I mean we’re best friends, right? We just know each other so well!” Fuck. Why, out of all things, you say that?!
Remus’s face dropped. “I suppose so, huh?” Remus was staring at the sky now, no longer looking at Sirius. I’m so sorry. Just look at me again.
Sirius took another swig, hoping his thoughts would just go away. But of course, it could never be that simple, could it?
Remus’s mouth open and closed (of course Sirius bloody Black noticed that part) like he couldn’t figure out what to say.
“Think I’m going to go back to the dorm, Padfoot. You wanna stay here a bit longer?” Remus finally vocalized, standing up. Even though the boy had worded it like a suggestion, Sirius knew he wanted him to stay. You messed it all up, Padfoot. He just said you’re the only real thing. But, he was drunk, right? He could’ve just been saying stuff. However, drunk words are sober thoughts, right?
Shut up! Shut up! I hate you so much! Stop thinking that stuff about your mate! Sirius told himself. While he was threatening himself, Remus had gotten up and left. Who wouldn’t? Remus practically just confessed his love, in the most beautiful way, and Sirius says the stupidest thing known to man. But, did Remus actually confess his love? He was drunk. Plus, you would say that to a friend you really appreciate, right? “Sometimes, I think this world is fake, and you’re the only real thing.” Remus is naturally a poet, he makes everything sound beautiful. Sirius got up, and headed back to his dorm and after putting a silencing spell, cried himself to sleep.
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When Sirius woke up, surprisingly not suffering from a hangover, the only thought on his mind was Remus. Remus Remus Remus Remus Remus Remus Remus. He looked over at his bed, only to find it empty.
It seems Remus is avoiding Sirius entirely. He found him at breakfast, speaking to Marlene alone. He’s usually never early, always wanting to sleep in. Sirius doesn’t mind though, Remus always looks so peaceful when he’s sleeping. Bloody, shut up. Sirius thought to himself. They both looked at him when he sat down. Were they talking about him? Oi, Marlene, get a load of this bloke Sirius Black. I told him I loved him, and he said “you love me because we’re friends.” Sirius is just so confused. Did Remus actually declare his love for him? He was drunk. Gosh, this is so confusing. Why do people like other people? Why can’t humans asexually reproduce? Would people still love each other if we did?
Sirius, unfortunately, couldn’t get lost in his thoughts and forget about everything and fade out into a black void. When Marlene moved over a bit, to sit next to Lily who recently arrived, Sirius got snapped back to reality. He stared directly at Remus, who stared back. They were like this for a few seconds. He enjoyed this, though what was going on, he just loved Remus’s beautiful brown eyes on him. Then, Remus looked away, and Sirius felt sad at the loss. Gosh, how bloody smitten was he??
While Sirius was thinking about how pathetic he was, James and Peter arrived. James probably asked why they both got up so early, and Remus probably answered. Peter probably tried to start an essay due in a hour, and Remus probably gave him a lecture. But Sirius wouldn’t know any of that. He was too busy thinking about how him and Remus’s friendship was ruined forever and it was all his fault.
Once Sirius looked around the dining hall, he found Mary MacDonald staring back at him. Mary is one of his best friends, they had dated in fourth year. She had raised an eyebrow, as if to say “Are you okay?” Sirius had responded with shaking his head. Now, she looked a bit concerned.
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After breakfast was over, Mary had led him up to her dorm.
“Jesus, Black, what’s up with you?” She had said, sounding both intrigued and concerned.
“Uh, a lot. So, I’ve liked Remus since fifth year, so for two years, but I didn’t know if I just liked him as a really good friend or I liked him.” The words just wouldn’t stop coming out of his mouth. Mary’s expression, though, was she ashamed? Embarrassed? After this conversation, she’ll probably find hin disgusting. “So, uh, he told me this thing. He said, and this is exactly the words, I could never forget them, ‘You know, Sirius, sometimes I think this world is fake, and you’re the only real thing.’” Mary’s expression seemed more shocked now, at least Sirius hoped it was. He continued, “Crazy right? Anyways, we were drinking, he drank enough to be drunk. So, I don’t know if he was saying that because he was drunk, or he liked me! Well, even if he wasn’t totally drunk, he could’ve been saying that in a friend way! He is such a great poet! But, I could’ve swore that he looked at my lips a bit, y’know?” Mary looked a bit less shocked or disgusted (probably both) and began to nod her head. “I couldn’t tell at the time, still can’t tell. So I went for the safe option, which probably wasn’t so safe. I told him it’s because we understand each other as friends! I’m so stupid.. So stupid…” Sirius began to sob, falling into Mary’s arms.
Mary took a deep breath, and held Sirius by the shoulders so they were looking straight at each other. “Sirius, I can tell he loves you. The way he looks at you. Everyone wants someone to look at them like that. I can also tell you love him.” She giggled a bit, which made Sirius smile. “I swear, you guys look at each other like you both hung the moon and stars. Really, both of you blokes are lovesick fools. And, also.. I don’t care if you like blokes at all. Not one bit. It’s just who you like, no one can control that. Everybody is for somebody, no matter if the somebody and everybody are both girls or are both boys. is a girl or boy. Je t'aime, peu importe qui tu aimes.”
Sirius cried in her arms for two hours, and skipped his classes for the rest of the day.
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Sirius knew he had to talk to Remus. It was late at night, and he could hear Remus getting out a book. Sirius went over to his bed, and cast a silencing spell.
“Sirius? What are you doing here?” Remus questioned, looking surprised, setting his book down.
“I really want to talk to you. So I’m going to try it. To start off, I’ve liked you for a while. Since fifth year. But I didn’t really know if I liked you in a friend way or a.. love way. But overtime, I kind of knew I loved you. And when I say love, I mean it. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Yesterday, when you said I was the real thing, I didn’t know if it was in a friend way. I mean we were both drunk, but it was wrong for me to say that. I get why you avoided me today. And also.. I’m still figuring things out. I would be really happy to figure stuff out with you, Moony.” Sirius said, putting on an awkward grin.
Remus put on an unreadable expression, like he was dumbfounded. Then, Remus leaned in, and their lips were on each other. A rush of warmth spread through Sirius’s body, and he could feel the soft flutter of Remus’s breath. It felt like he didn’t have to worry about anything, and just stay in the moment forever.
Finally, they pulled away from each other.
“I love you too, Sirius.” Remus grinned, and Sirius just about lost himself in those eyes.