feeling unwanted.
“there must be something strangely sacred in salt. it is in our tears and in the sea.” - khalil gibran
Regulus Black had known that he was not wanted. That he would never be wanted the way he wants and the way he deserves.
He had felt it irrevocably and irreparably time and time again. He felt it when his parents preferred his brother over him, allowing him to feel like the spare. Only sparing him a glance when Sirius would rebel and yell and fight back against them, making him be the example out of Sirius. As they punished him in order to get to Sirius, forcing him to try to survive their wrath and learn the cruel truth. He figured it was some sort of manipulative tactic on their part because at the end of the day, Sirius didn't care quite that much about him, at least that's what Regulus knew.
After that it was when Sirius chose his friends over him, when he left him behind, never looking his way twice ever again. Crushing his heart in his hands until it was left like a crumpled piece of paper in the corner of the room, not to be seen or used as it was now unworthy.
He felt it when he placed everyone he ever held dear above himself, just to turn around and see that they didn't do the same for him, that they would always hold someone else just a little bit more dear to them above him, holding them as their first choice. Always time and time again it was never him. He felt it again when his friends had left him out of a conversation, giggling and laughing about a topic he tried to participate in, but when his words fell upon deaf ears, he took it as his sign to not bother. To not even attempt to be seen if they acted as if he wasn't even there, he vowed to not let it hurt whenever it happened and yet. He had to hold back his tears, to make sure his cool exterior didn’t break, and didn't show weakness. To have them perceive him as if he was okay not knowing, as if he was okay just sitting there and being in his own mind, his mind that they didn't realize chanted their betrayal, his mind that allowed him to see the truth in their ways. When he got back to his dorm that night, he enchanted the curtains to not let a single sound slip through, he let the tears fall, and allowed the aching in his chest to expand until it all but consumed him and he fell asleep.
Every other instance after that was just as horrid, as mind numbingly awful, Regulus just wants to understand but he won’t dare to ask because they simply won’t understand.
There was the time when he swore Barty loved him back, felt it in his bones as the tendrils of want felt like they encompassed all that he is. Went straight into his heart leaving him full of it, full of believing he was cared for, that he was wanted. Until it all broke apart, until he realized he was wrong, Barty didn’t love him, why would he? There was nothing to love anyway. There was nothing to care for, Regulus was just the spare after all. Barty had loved Evan and that was okay, that was alright, because he loves Evan too. He’s his friend too and he cares about their happiness over all else, he cares so much it feels like damnation.
He is happy for them but it appears as if he’ll never find that happiness for himself. All of these swirling emotions of darkness, of dread, of negativity, where he is not wanted, not desired, not cared for, not important. Have lead him to this moment where—
Regulus Black has known that he has never been wanted and that, that fact will obviously not change today.
Today when they were in charms and the professor allowed everyone to choose who they would like in their group. Hsi seat next to Evan, who was writing down the notes that he needed from the board, Barty who sat in front of them. He wasn't the one in charge of seats, otherwise, Regulus knew that he would have sat next to Evan and he would've been left alone.
He'd be lying if he said a sense of satisfaction didn’t pass through him at the fact that they couldn't sit next to each other, in a way it forced them to remember about him. And yet, it didnt make a difference because every day it appeared as if a force of gravity pulled them together as Barty chattered Evans ears off, forcing their attention on only each other. Leaving Regulus to fend for himself in a room where he didn’t even want to exist in, in the first place. A room that feels like it closes in on him every time he's left alone by himself when he's supposed to be surrounded by friends.
However, there's times when he doesn't mind, he truly doesn't mind, as he knows what to expect, knows that Barty and Evans attention will only be on each other, knows that, that day his emotions won't win, that he’ll have a good day because he says so because he doesn't need them as long as he has himself. He loves them both, he really does, it's such a shame they don't realize how much, no one ever does . But today was not one of those days, where he could take it and ignore it and just exist in himself.
Today, they had to choose groups and Evan and Barty were so consumed in each other, as people around them started grabbing who they wanted in their groups, that when they were both asked into a group and all groups were finalized. No one noticed that Regulus didn’t have a group. That he wasn't asked to join one, he wanted to stop, he wanted to make everything stop, have the day start again and wish he hadn't left his dorm, that he hadn't taken a step into the classroom.
When groups were finalized, and Regulus was left there standing, Panda asked him excitedly who was in his group, as the slytherin’s have charms with the ravenclaw’s. Regulus felt a piece of him chip off as he forced the words through his mouth in a dead tone to say, he doesn't have a group. He saw the light dull a bit in her eyes when she stayed quiet, assessing him, when she opened her mouth next to say, that he could be in her group, that she'll love to have him. Regulus felt his heart swell before his thoughts got to him and chanted, that she only did it out of pity, that Pandora doesn't actually care, that she just included him to not be seen as a bad friend.
Pandora, after having solved that, started walking with him to their next class of the day, history of magic. Telling him how Xeno, her boyfriend is in their group, as he's in their year, and two other ravenclaw’s whose names he didn’t quite hear. Regulus was glad he had Panda, she made him remember who he is, all his friends did, it's just that sometimes they hurt him and didn’t realize it, but it was okay because it had to be.
Regulus sat down in his usual seat by the front next to Panda, as the class held was a mix of students from different houses and the year above, meaning his brother and his friends were in that class too. Xeno was there too but he was sat with Sybil, his friend, Regulus gets their friendship, he thinks they're one from the same coin, pieces of a puzzle that slot right together just like his brother and Potter do.
James Potter. Someone who really makes his heart hurt and who mends it right up over and over again . Potter, whose laughter bounces around the room as Sirius, makes another joke to try to get Remus Lupins to laugh – only to get a small smirk. Potter who is in love with Lily Evans. Potter who Regulus would swear had felt a semblance of the same at one point in time, Potter who has been his biggest heartbreak, even though, they were never together to begin with.
Potter whose arm is most likely wrapped around one Lily Evans at this exact moment if he were to turn around. Regulus who will not willingly do that to himself, to just go down another spiral of hurt, he will not, but it doesn't erase the fact that he knows that James Potter is staring holes into the back of his being when he spots him. Can feel his stare like a burning sensation, makes him itch all over his back, makes him want to turn around and yell at him to stop, that he has no right to look at him, that he lost that right when he didn’t choose him, justlike everybody else.
But he can't, because Regulus is better than that, Regulus will not do that because he knows that he deserves better, even if all he had wanted was James. Potter who shone as brightly as the sun since the first time he's ever laid eyes on him, Potter who like everyone else Regulus has ever dared love, he would do anything for, would have let James hold his heart and let him do whatever he desired, except he already has, and now it has come to bite him in the back.
James Potter who breaks his heart a little bit everyday just like everyone else because to them they don't understand . Understand that Regulus takes love and meshes it up with the concept of loyalty and trust, and makes it all into one unintelligible ball of feelings that are so mixed up together that all those concepts become one strong beating force of who Regulus is as a person.