hurting.
“And I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want, just not home.” – my tears ricochet
Regulus loves his family. He does but sometimes he wishes that he doesn't. He wishes that he wasn't born at all, that if he hadn't been born that they'd all be okay, that he wouldn't feel like it was his fault that they are broken, that they don't all live under the same roof anymore.
He likes to believe that Sirius loves him, he does, and he knows that maybe Sirius actually does here and there, but sometimes he thinks Sirius is lying to himself. That he doesn't actually care about him, at least not as much as he cares, knowing that they don't feel the same intensity about things. Sirius who is able to leave him behind when his friends are near, Sirius who always soaks up all the attention in the room because people always gravitate to him first because he's loud and carefree, but not Regulus, never Regulus.
Regulus doesn't mind, he tells himself he doesn't care but sometimes, it gets to him, the way adults always talk to Sirius and only look at him for a moment before going back to talking to Sirius, at least that's how it always was before. But when Sirius left, all that attention was suddenly on him and he felt it twist him up inside, because they're all fakes. They don't care about him so– why would they start acting like they do now? — Regulus preferred when they didn’t bat a second glance towards him.
He knows Sirius loved him when he'd protect him from people, when he’d defend him, but he thinks it was solely due to sibling honor. As there were a lot more times when Sirius could have been on his side and simply wasn't. Regulus had to stare at the absence of his presence by his side as he sat by himself viewing the room, wishing he was anywhere but there, anywhere but where the voices in his head didn’t tell him that he will never be enough. He tried, he did try to not care, he even tried to join in, only to be ignored and shooed away at these family gatherings or friend reunions. It had simply cemented what he already knew. That he was unwanted and that they did not care about him.
His mother, Walburga Black, Regulus believes she loves them in her own way, that she just wished them the best which was why she was so hard on them. She did give birth to them after all, held them in her stomach for nine months, before they had to leave it. Sirius didn’t think so, not really, but Sirius has always had a deep rooted sense of anger towards their mother, which Regulus thinks is simply unfair. That Sirius just had to let it go, that anger, but he didn’t and that's why he was burned off the family tapestry because he couldn't just let it go.
His family broke apart before his eyes, especially when his father passed away, leaving them, leaving all his responsibilities on their mother, right after Sirius left. That was the next step of his family breaking apart, breaking Regulus just that bit more.
Regulus knows that there's probably chunks of his heart missing and he would find them scattered around people, floating around them, even as they don’t realize that they hold a piece of him. That they carry with them just a small bit of him because they took it from him without his permission and it was too late for him to get it back by the time that he noticed, leaving him just that bit more empty to then be filled with all his waking thoughts and feelings.
After that, his mother stopped being so harsh on him, too busy keeping up the family image, too busy to pay Regulus any attention because she already knew that Regulus would do good, that Regulus wouldn't let her down.
Regulsu would never forgive himself if he created another reason where people would be disappointed in him.
The day Regulus saw James, he felt his heart swell in size, and felt a light shine brightly. He knew then and there that he wouldn't be able to forget James even if he tried. Admittedly he didn’t know his name when he first saw him, he was new to Hogwarts after all, just trying to make his way to his classes. He didn’t miss the way that people stared at James and how others hurried to make conversation with stars in their eyes. Regulus realized that whoever that was, he wasn't the only one now in their orbit. He didn’t realize just how much until later.
When he realized James, was James Potter, he felt defeated because he knew that meant he wouldn't be able to have him, especially since Sirius already did. He was quick to hear the rumors, that James Potter was head over heels for someone named Lily Evans. When he saw Lily, he knew why, could see it plain as day. It vibrated from her, her fierceness, her brightness, her essence of being, she was like a flame to a match, waiting to be caught. James Potter was trying to catch her, hold her, and help add more fuel to her spark. He could feel it, that they were going to end up together, it didn’t stop his heart from aching in want.
He didn’t try to stop it. That was his first mistake. Everyday, he found himself staring after James, would feel his cheeks heat up when James would notice and stare back. However, he knew in his heart that it wasn't the same for James, that James didn’t feel a feeling of hope swell inside him when they locked eyes, that he didn’t feel giddy with accomplishment right after. That James didn't bother trying to memorize the different shades to his eyes, that James didn't bother trying to learn what each and every look in his eyes meant just to see if he was doing okay, that James didn't care as much as he did, because James didn't really care about him in that way.
Not in the way that he wanted him to at least. Regulus presumed that James only looked back because of the fact that he’s Sirius’ littlebrother, who just happens to attend Hogwarts like them.
Even with all the rumors of James only wanting Evans, it became clear that he wouldn't let her rejections deter him from exploring other options, that broke him just a bit. He doesn't know if it was because it wasn't him who James Potter would choose as an option or if it was because the boy he desired was wanting people who weren't him. He thinks it may be a little bit of both. Regulus knows that's just a bit pathetic of him, he does truly, it didn’t stop him from feeling that way every single day of third and fourth year.
There were moments he convinced himself that James cared just a bit, especially when he’d find himself looking over at James if he was near just to see that James was already staring. He had no reason to be, was his logical conclusion, so, why was he? he wondered. There was a time he could feel something more to James’ stare in fifth year, could feel some unspoken tension spread throughout the room between them, could tell that James had things he wanted to say and yet. James never did go up to him, he even went as far to avoid him at times, Regulus felt it like a physical rejection of his feelings. Like James was telling his heart to stop, that he can’t want it back, but James didn’t notice that somewhere along the way he had already accepted holding Regulus’ heart between his fingers. Didn’t notice that he was letting blood drip in between each moment of despair that wrapped itself around Regulus when he wouldn’t simply just approach him and talk to him. When he didn't let them at least try.
There was the time of the christmas party that their school held, Regulus looked good if he were to say, his heart told him that James agreed. But James had also managed to finally get a yes from Lily, she accepted to be his date. Regulus knew it was time to ignore James Potter. To listen to his mind because even if it felt like James might feel something for him too, he was sure as hell making it seem like it didn’t really matter. And well, Regulus would like to believe that he matters just a little bit even if it was hard to remember at times.
Now that they're in sixth year, Sirius and all his friends are going to graduate soon. Regulus thought that he'd been doing such a splendid job of pretending to not care that James Potter and Lily Evans were dating. He really did, honestly he has nothing against Lily, he truly doesn't, thinks she's stunning and brilliant, he does. But he hates her just a tiny bit for having James in the way he had wished to. He often ignores this fact for the peace of his sanity.
But lately, lately, his mind and heart have joined forces, making him face the fact that he hasn't properly dealt with his emotions regarding James. Regulus has found himself crying to sleep once or twice these past few weeks. He thinks he's actually dealing with this all very well, it makes it harder to ignore James, especially since he's actively paying attention to him. Makes it hard to pretend that he “doesn't” notice James watching him when no ones paying attention. Makes it hard to ignore the silver of smugness that encompasses him when James’ eyes linger on him for a beat too long, his body saying “Ha! See you still care, you never did stop caring did you? So, why do you act like you don't?"
Regulus pretends, and pretends, and pretends some more about this not affecting him, but then he goes back to his dorm and forces himself to face this, to allow himself to move on. Regulus wishes he could do the same with the hurt he feels about everything else, but at least this, this he could make eventually go away.
James’ unrelenting stare has been broken and Regulus finds himself sagging in relief at the itchiness going away. He's trying to stay awake and take notes, Panda having given up that fight a while ago as well as half the class. But he can hear some quills moving against paper, letting him know he's one of the unlucky ones who hasn't fallen asleep as Professor Binns continues droning on about the impacts of trolls and other creatures that exist in their world.
As class ends, he shakes Panda awake, telling her it's time to go, they're joined by Xeno and Sybil. Sybil who starts talking to Regulus about astronomy that they'll have later that day, she's always been rather fascinated by the subject. Regulus understands her enthusiasm, it reminds him of Sirius a bit. As they all start to head to the dining hall to go have their lunch.
It's always the after that gets to him. It's not the eating and dealing with eating with his lonesome thoughts. It's when all his friends start walking with their respective partners to head to wherever they need, leaving Regulus to walk all by himself. Makes him remember just how much he wishes he wasn't their friend. He hates having those thoughts but in those moments he can't help it. He can't help but want to scream at them all, ask them why?Why can't he just be enough to them, why must they need someone else. He'd do anything for them so why can't they just seethat. He doesn't understand but at the same time he understands plenty.
As they are all battling their own thoughts, but Regulus finds that his might just be a bit more constant and louder. His thoughts are just a bit more overwhelming and unrelenting and that's the difference between them.
Regulus, is a broken star trying to stay shining while they're all surviving on each other's stardust, forgetting to give him just a little, forcing Regulus to stay locked in these endless moments of an unbridled rage of hurt.