Changes
The end of the summer came too quickly for Eryn’s liking. Before he knew it he was in his room finishing packing and getting ready to leave for the station.
Everything felt wrong since him and Narcissa had gotten back from their trip. Not only was he faced with the sudden absence of Bellatrix, but Eryn realized that he noticed people looking at him a lot more. It’d started at the Secret Society, where he’d quickly deduced that the people there were a lot more close minded than Narcissa and Andromeda were.
Even now, alone in front of the mirror just trying to decide what to wear, he felt the eyes of judgement on him. Eryn examined the little features about himself. Had he gotten taller? He’d always been smaller than other boys his age, closer to most of the girls’ height; and he’d liked it that way. For some reason this sudden growth bothered him, even if he wasn’t that much taller than he’d been before. It felt wrong, like he wasn’t supposed to look like that, but yet he did.
He decided to ignore it for now, it was almost time to leave.
On the train Eryn found Barty quickly, and Lucius accompanied them to a compartment. Narcissa had gone with some of her other friends. Following Andromeda’s advice, Eryn sat close next to Lucius. Barty noticed this and winked at Eryn before he sat down across from them.
“Seen Evan and Pandora anywhere?” he asked, looking out the window to the crowded platform. Eryn shook his head.
“Eh, anyways…you know if Evan’s got someone or not, Black?”
“Not that I know of. Why?”
“Because I’ve finally realized he’s a smoke show, that’s why”.
Lucius shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He looked out the window. Eryn was more confused than anything.
“I thought you were going out with that bloke from Hufflepuff?”
“We split last month, and Evan’s right here so why not?”
Eryn fidgeted with his sleeve. “You’re moving on pretty fast, aren’t you?”
“Are you judging me, Black!?”
“No! I just think you should take more time, you know?”
Barty sighed in frustration and leaned back, away from Eryn. The energy in the compartment was becoming quite uncomfortable. Lucius seemed to be trying to tune out the whole conversation, and Eryn didn’t blame him. He was used to Barty’s spontaneity and how he was quick to anger. It was one of the reasons they didn’t spend much time together. Eryn’s sarcasm and skepticism combined with Barty’s lack of understanding often led to this exact situation; Eryn fidgeting with his sleeves uncomfortably and Barty fuming with silent frustration, playing with his bright green hair while bouncing his leg.
Eventually, Pandora and Evan followed by Dorcas showed up. Barty sat back up and eyed Evan, scooting closer to him after he sat down.
Pandora hugged Eryn and they started chatting about their summers.
But Eryn’s mind was far away from that.
While they talked, Eryn started noticing the way Pandora sat. She had her legs crossed and her hands in her lap, almost opposite to the way Eryn was sitting. Her posture was balanced, her hair was swept behind her shoulders neatly.
Did anyone else notice how different Eryn and Pandora’s positions were? How did they see him as opposed to her?
She was so pretty, so obviously feminine. Why couldn’t Eryn look like that?
Now in a panic, he adjusted his position to look more like Pandora’s. He pushed his hair behind his shoulders and started picking at the skin around his fingernails.
“Are you alright, Eryn? You seem off”.
“I’m fine”, he said nervously. Pandora’s voice was so much higher than Eryn’s. You could tell she was a girl just by hearing it.
Eryn stayed silent for the rest of the way, trapped in his own thoughts.
***
That night when he laid down to sleep Eryn was still thinking about it all.
He wasn’t sure what he was feeling. Eryn had never really been jealous of Pandora before, and he wasn’t really now, either. It was less about how she looked, with her individual features, and more about the general features most girls had.
Eryn rolled over in his bed. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. How he looked so different from other girls and the fact that people looked at him and thought he was a boy.
What was this sudden obsession? He didn’t want to BE a girl, did he?
Wait…
Oh.
“Shit”, they said quietly, biting down in frustration and wiping their eyes.