Falling Back
Eryn managed to navigate their way through a very stressful first week back at Hogwarts. They were a lot more conscious of how other people looked at them. What were they thinking about Eryn? Did they think they were weird? Did Eryn stand out too much? The thoughts plagued their mind at every second.
They didn't want to talk to anyone. Every word Eryn said felt like a lie, even when it wasn't. They were starting to hate the sound of their own voice, how it was slightly deeper than it had been before, and how loud they tended to be. It sounded and felt even worse next to another girl's.
Another girl's.
Pandora, observant as always, noticed her best friend's sudden withdrawment faster than they had.
"Are you sure you're okay, Eryn?" She asked during potions that Friday afternoon. Eryn liked how their name sounded on her voice. Her voice.
"I'm sure, why?" they said quietly.
Pandora shrugged. "You've just seemed off since we got back to school. Did something happen?"
"Depends on what you mean by that".
"Did something happen with your parents again?"
"No. I barely saw them over the summer".
"What about Lucius? I saw you two sitting together on the train".
Eryn started cutting some roots. "Andromeda agrees with you about him, you know. About him fancying me".
"Okay", Pandora said, taking the roots from Eryn and dropping them in their cauldron. "Do you think he does?"
"I don't know, okay? I have other things to worry about than whether or not Malfoy wants to snog me", Eryn snapped.
"I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"
Yes. All Eryn wanted was to talk to someone about what had been taking up every inch of their mind all that week. They knew it would make them feel so much better about the whole thing. And Pandora was their best friend, who else could they trust more? They supposed there were things they'd never told Pandora before. Like Remus being a werewolf and that they did fancy Lucius. But this felt so different. Eryn couldn't understand it. How were they able to be so comfortable with saying they were gay but couldn't admit even to their best friend that they were...
Well, maybe they didn't have to say anything. This could all go away in a few days, for all Eryn knew. Everyone felt a little uncomfortable with their own skin sometimes, right? There was a chance they were even...that...after all.
***
Eryn found themself in the library with Remus again that Saturday. There was some comfort in these old routines, Eryn didn't have to think much during them.
Remus was a comforting presence. He was a good listener, and Eryn didn't feel as overwhelmed as they usually did around him. They couldn't imagine Remus judging anyone out of reason.
But even then, Eryn couldn't tell him.
"Anyways, what do you think I should do?" said Eryn. They had been telling Remus almost everything they could about Lucius. Their interactions, what Andromeda and Pandora thought, as well as Eryn's own feelings.
"Er...I'm not good with these things", said Remus. "I guess just be yourself and see what happens?"
I don't want to be myself, Eryn thought. They were starting to dislike that person more every day.
"I need to get going", Remus said after a few moments' silence. "Same time next week?"
"Whatever makes you happy", Eryn laughed softly with sarcasm. "I'll see you around".
"'Bye".
Eryn started making their way back to the Slytherin common room. On the way, they ran into a familiar face.
"Hello", said Lucius.
"Hey", said Eryn. "Why is it you always know where I am? I swear we keep meeting like this".
"It's an attraction, I guess", Lucius laughed. "Want to go for a walk?"
"Sure".
The two of them walked together onto the grounds. It was a nice bright day. Autumn was beginning to make its way through.
What did Lucius mean by attraction? Was it just a joke, a figure of speech, or something more? Did he always word things like that?
"How's your week been?" Lucius asked.
"Shit. You?"
"Same here", Lucius laughed. "Any reason?"
"You know, just some normal reflection leading to self-loathing, you?"
"Just been overwhelming, getting back into all the routines again".
"Ah".
Eryn stopped and picked a small blue flower that had caught their eye. It was probably one of the last they were going to see for a while, with the seasons changing.
"What's changed for you to feel that way?" Lucius asked as Eryn stood back up again. "You always seemed like a pretty confident guy".
The last word Lucius said made Eryn take a sharp breath in. They twisted the flower in their fingers and held it up to the sun.
"Starting to think I might not be a guy at all", they said, slower than they thought they would. The words just came out of their mouth so smoothly. Like they were meant to be said to Lucius, a person that Eryn had only spoken to on a handful of occasions.
"Oh", said Lucius a bit absentmindedly. Then the words seemed to fully register in his brain.
"OH", he said again. "Do you...er...want to talk about it?"
Eryn pondered for a moment. Did they?
"Not really", they said, looking down at the flower. "I just wanted to tell someone. I'm still not sure about it all".
"No one else knows?"
"Nope. Just you".
"Oh...thanks for trusting me, I guess".
"Thanks for not burning the word tranny into my wall".
Lucius laughed. He reached over to touch the blue flower's petals, getting closer to Eryn and brushing his hand against his in the process.
"It's pretty", he said. "Reminds me of you a bit. It's the same color as your eyes".
"Th-Thank you". Eryn felt themself turning red. Their heart was skipping beats. Did Lucius mean that? Was he just trying to be nice?
"We should do this more often", Lucius said and started walking ahead. Eryn followed. "I like listening to you talk".
"Good, because I'm going to have a lot to talk about".
Lucius laughed again. Eryn likes the way his hair caught the light when he moved.
"You're really funny, you know that, right?"
"I've been told before".
Eryn enjoyed these moments. Everything came so easily alone with Lucius. They wished it could always be like this. No complicated realizations and confusing dynamic changes, just talking. Just enjoying the outside with the boy they loved.