Kiss My Shades

"Jigsaw falling into place

So there is nothing to explain

You eye each ther as you pass

She looks back and you look back

Not just once, not just twice"

-Jigsaw, Radiohead

3 weeks after the hospital visit:

Sirius has been out of the hospital for a week now. He needed to stay there for 2 weeks just to be sure he was hydrated enough and that his condition didn’t get worse. He is now staying at the Potter’s house, he even got his own room. Though it’s more his and James’ room now. Sirius doesn’t like being alone. The moment he is alone with his thoughts it feels like he falls in a dark hole and is stuck there and coming back out of that hole is much harder then just staying there. So, he avoids that by just having James with him any moment of the day. Sirius is hydrated and gets enough food, but he still doesn’t have much energy, so he just listens to James yap about literally everything that is on his mind. 

“-And so Marlene basically skinny dipped with a total stranger but still managed to get her number at the end of the night,” James explains to Sirius, who is laying on his bed listening to James who is sitting on the ground leaning against the bed.

“As in first skinny dipping without even saying hello, and then flirting, and then getting her number?” One of the only reasons Sirius gets through every day is thanks to James’ gossip stories that he hears from Mary. Mary would tell Sirius herself, but Sirius didn’t even turn back on his phone even after all these weeks. Only Regulus and James have seen him. Sometimes Peter saw him too, but Remus wasn’t allowed in. 

He didn’t want Remus to tell why, so he has just been ignoring him. He knows this isn’t a good idea at all, but that’s a problem for future him. Of course Monty and Effie had seen him, but they didn’t stay long. It might seem crazy to some people, but Sirius really doesn’t want any adults around right now, even though he knows that James’ parents are nothing like his own, he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to bond with any adult for that matter. 

“Yep, the one and only Marlene Mckinnon people,” James says with a smile on his face. 

“More like only one person can do that, and that is Marlene Mckinnon.” 

“She really misses you, you know,” James starts saying. “She was totally convinced you would actually join her with her brilliant free drinks plan at that bar a week ago.” 

Sirius signs, he knows what James is doing. “James, I really appreciate it, but I don’t want to see them.”

“They are very worried about you Sirius, they wanna see if you are fine, and not hear it from the messages me and Pete leave them.”

Sirius doesn’t answer right away. He gets that they are worried, if this was James Sirius would just stay at his bedroom door until he would open it. But he just isn’t ready to face the reality of it all. James has been keeping him busy so that he can’t fall into his thoughts and let it get bad. Regulus has been coming in everyday too, and that is a distraction on its own because now it’s Sirius who needs to distract someone, and not himself. Peter sometimes comes in and plays a game of chess with Sirius. He never has to think about the bad things this way. 

But Lily wants to know how he is, and probably has some self baked cake with her that Sirius can’t stomach. Marlene will want to know what happened and will have a billion questions about it all, and Sirius really doesn’t wanna think about that. Mary will want to drag Sirius out of his room, but he just can’t.

And Remus.

That is the worst part. Someday Sirius will have to face Remus and Remus will see right through him. Sirius wants Remus to be here so bad, but he wants Remus to keep seeing him as the funny, flirty, playful kind of person, not who he is right now. With dark circles under his eyes, looking disgustingly thin, his hair an absolute mess, not having showered in almost 2 weeks…

He likes Remus, and now he is scared that Remus might see him differently. 

He knows that Remus already sees him differently than most of his friends. Remus knows about his mother and father, he knows about the bad side about modeling, he knows about his guilt when he eats or drinks. 

Remus knows Sirius’ darker side. 

Sirius isn’t ready for him to see the Black side too.

“Sirius?” James asks after not getting an answer to his last sentence. 

“Tell them I love them and I will see them soon.”

~~~

It’s 3AM and Sirius can’t breathe. He feels like he is dying. He isn’t totally sure that he isn’t. 

Today went pretty well, that wasn’t the problem. 

Effie came in with breakfast for him and her, and stayed with him until he was done eating. They hardly spoke 3 sentences to each other, but all the words that weren’t said spoke for themself. Sirius appreciates it that she stayed with him. No one told her about his trouble with eating, but she just felt it, and then found a way to let her care for him without pushing. 

After breakfast Peter and James came and they listened to some music, talked about anything that came up in their minds, and played monopoly together. 

Then Monty came in with sandwiches that Lily apparently made for Sirius. He also stayed until Sirius was done eating, but instead of not saying much and letting the action speak for itself like how Effie did, he talked Sirius’ ear off, and made him laugh multiple times. He talked about how he tried to make lunch for Sirius a few days ago himself when Effie wasn’t home, and that he accidentally set the frying pan on fire. He talked about how beautiful the sea was the day before, and that the sunset was absolutely breathtaking. He talked about how Remus out of all people beated him in a running game.

 Sirius loves that Monty talked about literally everything except Sirius mental state, or the problem with him facing his friends, or his parents. It’s like he sensed that Sirius is starting to tolerate adults again and that Monty is following the flow that Sirius had made. It’s not that Sirius doesn’t trust Effie and Monty. He knows that they don’t hurt a fly and are the sweetest and kindest people to ever exist, but for some reason his heart doesn’t believe that fact as much as his brain does. It takes time to trust everything again, even if you know it’s safe. Your trust is damaged and it takes time to heal, that’s what James said to him.

When Monty left, Regulus also payed Sirius a visit. They talked a bit and layed on the bed next to each other. Unlike Effie and Monty, Regulus always goes right to the point. 

“How are you feeling today?” He had asked.

“Pretty good.”

“How’s your leg?” 

Sirius’ cast went off 2 days ago, that was the only time he went out of the house in all the time he had been there. It didn’t hurt that much anymore, it was just stiff. “Fine, it doesn’t hurt so that’s good.” 

“Do you need your bandage changed?” 

“No it’s okay I already did it myself today. Thanks for offering though.”

“Did you eat-”

“Regulus,” Sirius rolls over to face Regulus and look inside his eyes. “I’m okay. I’m fine. Today is a good day.”

After a bit of silence Sirius asks, “Are you okay?”

Regulus frowns, “Why do you ask that?”

“Because I’m your older brother and I have a right to know how you are after you interrogate me about my wellbeing first.” 

“You are literally 1 year older than me, Sirius,” Regulus deadpans.

“Still your older brother. So, tell me.”

“I’m fine.”

“Sure, and I’m the queen of China.”

 Regulus sighs. 

Sirius grabs Regulus’ hand and brushes his thumb over his hand like he did when they were younger. “Reggie, talk to me please. I wanna know if you are okay.”

It takes Regulus a minute, but eventually he does sort of open up to Sirius. “I guess I could be better.” 

Sirius squeezes Reg’s hand. “I’m here for you. Always.”

“I know?” He answers confused.

“No you don’t get it, I’m here, okay?”

“Sirius, I've heard you the first time.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you, I’m not gonna run away. I’m not gonna leave you. We are in this together.”

Regulus doesn’t say a word. He thinks if he does he might just fall apart. He didn’t know how hard he needed to hear those words until Sirius said them to him. He knows Sirius is here, but a part deep inside of him is still afraid that he will lose him. 

Regulus hugs Sirius back. No words were exchanged, but that hug wrote a book on itself. 

After Regulus left, Sirius was alone. James was sleeping in his own room. Sirius has been doing better, and he was exhausted from today, so he told James he was fine to sleep on his own. 

He closed his eyes and fell asleep fairly quickly, but then something happened.

He had a nightmare, not that that is such a special thing, it happens a lot. He gets a dream about his parents, he starts moving in his sleep and sweating, James tries to wake him, and then sometimes he screams and cries or gets a panic attack. But this time it was a whole other thing. 

Sirius was sitting by the fireplace with Mary, just chatting. It was Christmas, the tree standing a bid further from them. The calendar above the mantel showed it was Christmas eve. 

“-So I got Lily a recipe book as a present this year since she is so into cooking lately,” Mary tells him.

“Oh, she is gonna love that!”

“Are you sure? Because she already got a few of those and I really wanted to give her a fun and thoughtful present.”

Sirius grabs Mary’s hand, “Of course I’m sure! And by the way, Lily loves everything you get her, even if it would be just a stupid garbage can.”

Mary giggles, “How funny would it be if I gave one to James just to see if his people pleasing would take over?”

Sirius laughs loudly. “Oh my god yes please! I love that-”

The bell rings.

“Sirius dear, would you open the door please?” Effie calls from the kitchen. 

“Yeah, no problem!” He says back.

He gets up and opens the door. 

His mother and father are standing on the other side, taking a cold chill with them. 

Sirius eyes widen, and his heart is beating so fast he is afraid it will pop out of his chest. “What are you doing here?” He asks, his voice all shaken up.

One corner of Walburga’s lips goes up slightly in a very creepy way. “Taking you home of course.”

Footsteps reach Sirius’ ringing ears, and Effie pulls up beside him. Sirius turns to Effie immediately, “No, don’t let them, please.”

“Don’t let them do what, love?”

Orion speaks up, “Sirius doesn’t want to come home with us, like even got a say in this.”

Effie smiles friendly to Sirius, “Oh, Sirius don’t act like such a baby. Just go with them.”

“What?”

“Go on,” Effie gives him a little nudge. “They won't bite, you know.” 

Sirius takes a big step backwards. “You are actually letting them take me?” He asks Effie, his voice filled with hurt and betrayal. 

Walburga steps closer to Sirius, “It doesn’t matter what she does, you are going with us.”

Sirius shakes his head frantically. “No.”

“‘No?’ Sirius, honey, did you really think you were going to get out? That you could escape?” His mother keeps trying to close the distance between them. “You will never be free. Even when you think you are, your father and I will be there controlling you. Were you really so foolish to think you were going to get away with your little stunt? You are gonna pay for what you did, and you are gonna pay big time. You won’t know what comes over you when you get home young man.” 

“No no no no no-” Sirius turns around and fucking spurts. He runs further into the house, away from everyone. He runs into his room and slams the door shut. When he looks around, he sees Regulus sitting on his chair. 

“Oh thank fuck, Reggie! We have to get away from here-” Sirius stops talking and is staring at Regulus, more at Regulus’ shirt. 

It is drenched with blood, in exactly the same places that Sirius’ shirt was also soaked. 

“Reggie?” Sirius asks. His knees feel weak, and he wants to roll up in a ball and fucking die. 

“You failed, Sirius.” 

“You know I had to get out of that house, don’t do this to me-” Sirius says while backing up. 

“You failed me.” 

“How did I fail you?!”

Regulus gets up from the chair and is now standing in front of Sirius. “Look at me. This could have been you. But you had to be selfish once again and run away from your problems, and now you hurt me.” Blood is filling Regulus’ mouth, his teeth are red and the corners of his lips are bloody. “You did this to me, to your little brother. You could have avoided this all by just not being so egotistical for once in your life. You failed at protecting me. You failed me. You failed me.” Regulus doesn’t stop and keeps repeating his last sentence while trying to close the distance between him and a frantically stepping backwards Sirius. 

“Please stop, no no no-” Sirius runs out of the room. He is just randomly spurting into hallways. It’s like the house became a maze, every corner he takes because he thought he knew it turns out to be totally different. He feels trapped, like there is no way out of this fucking hell situation. 

Sirius goes flying to the ground because he ran into something. When he gets up he sees it is not something, but someone. 

Sirius feels like he can breathe for the first time in half an hour. “Moony! Moony please help me. My parents are here, they want to take me. Get me out of here, fast. Effie and Regulus are also with them, and I have no one to defend me. I need to leave, come on!” Sirius grabs Remus’ hand to run together, but Remus pulls away.

“Remus? We really need to leave, it’s not safe!”

“Why did you take my hand?” Remus asks, confused.

“Because we need to hurry the fuck up? Remus I swear to God just follow me-” When Sirius tries to catch his arm instead, Remus takes a big step backwards. 

“What’s wrong?” Sirius asks him. 

“You. You disgust me, why did you ever think I was gonna help you, or be with you. You act like a fucking baby, you are this big dramaqueen that ‘can’t handle his parents’. You are rude, you are a failure, and you fucking stink. It looks like you haven’t showered in years. You were so beautiful at first. I actually loved you. But then you had to have more attention like always and close yourself off in that stupid room, ignore my texts, not calling me back. I’m not your fucking dog, Sirius. I won’t crawl back to you just because you want me to. You can’t control me.”

Sirius is blinking fast. “I’m not controlling you.”

“You so are, and you don’t even fucking know it. You flirt with me all the time, of course I catch feelings for you then. You give me the nickname Moony, you are always so affectionate with me. You manipulated me into liking you. You are just like your parents.”

Sirius' eyes start filling with tears. “Remus I can’t do this anymore, please stop. Make this stop.”

“Oh you want this to stop? Do it yourself, Sirius. You know how. The only way this can stop is to get out of this shit yourself. Your parents said it themselves, no matter where you go you can’t escape them. But life can’t invade death, can it?”

His voice breaks, “What do you mean?”

“Step out of this life, Sirius.”

Tears are rolling over his cheeks. “What? Moony-”

“Do it. No one will miss you. Regulus is mad at you for leaving and giving him trauma due to bleeding out right by his feet. James thinks you are just a big attention seeker and a drama queen. Peter doesn’t want to be around you because you are only in a bad mood and not interesting in the slightest. Mary thought you were ghosting her for no reason, and she has already forgotten about you. Marlene didn’t give a shit in the first place and thought you weren’t worth her time. Lily made you all those delicious meals, and you almost didn’t eat a single one. How do you think that makes her feel, huh?”

Sirius is crying and he doesn’t stop, “Stop this stop this stop this-”

“I will definitely not miss you in the slightest. My life would be so much better without you. No one would bother me anymore with their so-called trauma. No one would bother me with their annoying texts every 2 fucking seconds. No one would set their needs before my own. So yeah, a world without Sirius Black would be my ideal world.”

Sirius’ hands are shaking, “You don’t mean that.”

Remus is standing so close that their noses touch. “Fucking die, Sirius. Just kill yourself, or are you gonna fail that too?”

Sirius shoots awake.

His hair is sticking to his forehead from the sweat, and his throat feels closed up. The only thing he can think of is Remus. 

His phone is laying on his nightstand, still turned off. He grabs it and turns it back on fastly  and types Remus’ name in the search bar with shaking hands. He calls him and on the second ring Remus already picks up.

“Sirius? Are you okay?” Remus says with a panicked and confused voice. 

He wants to answer but he can’t. He wants to explain a billion things to Remus; that he wasn’t ignoring him, that he is just feeling scared, that he feels trapped… 

“Can’t breathe- it’s so hot” Sirius managed to choke out. His breaths are so short and so fast after another that he can’t talk. 

You can hear frantic sheets ruffling and fast footsteps on the other end of the line. “I’m coming, hold on I’m coming Sirius.”

~~~

Remus is out of the house in seconds and running to the Potter's house with his phone in his hand. He is still in just a shirt and an old short, and he isn’t even wearing shoes. He was sleeping but after what happened to Sirius 3 weeks ago he didn’t turn his phone off at night in case Sirius needed him. He was awakened by the sound of his phone ringing and he was never awake faster in his life. When he heard Sirius struggling with just breathing he jumped out of his bed and ran mindlessly to James’ house. It’s pouring, not that that slows down Remus in the slightest. 

“Sirius, can you get James to help you until I’m there? Or Effie?”

“No. You. Only you.”

The distance between their houses is 1 mile, and Remus isn’t the most athletic person on earth, but he is trying so hard to get there as fast as possible. “O-okay that uhm yes it's okay I’m almost there it’s fine, you said you were hot?”

Sirius makes a noise of agrement. 

“Take your shirt off, that will help. Throw off all the sheets laying on you, and crack open a window if you can.”

There are sounds on the other side of the line indicating that Sirius is doing that.

“That’s good, that’s very good. I’m almost there. It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”

Remus is running like he has never run before. He stays on the phone with Sirius, who sounds like he is fighting for his life. When after 5 minutes of serious spurting Remus arrives at the Potter’s house he starts frantically knocking on the door. 

“James! James, open the door please!” He screams with his last breath, knowing that James’ bedroom is right above the entrance hall and so of course by the door. After seeing James’ bedroom lights go on Remus turns his attention back to the phone. “Sirius, I’m here James is opening the door, hold on.” But he gets no response and can only hear very heavy breathing. “Sirius?! Please answer me, or try please, I need to know if you are at least slightly okay-” 

The door opens and James looks very confused. “Remus? Are you okay? It looks like you just ran a marathon with the way you are panting-”

Remus just runs right past James right to Sirius’ room. “Don’t follow me, it’s okay I promise!” he calls back to James fast. 

He arrives in Sirius' room and bursts in, seeing Sirius sitting against the wall staring at nothing. He looks sweaty and so afraid. He is holding his chest with a shaking hand while clearly struggling to breathe. Remus has had panic attacks, and has seen people get them, but this is really the worst one he has ever witnessed. 

“Sirius?” Remus walks up to him slowly. But it doesn’t matter, Sirius doesn’t even see him.

Remus sits in front of him, “I’m here, I’m gonna take your hands, okay?” After not getting any sign of acknowledgement, he slowly and softly holds Sirius’ shaking hands. This is when Sirius finds out there is another person in the room. Tears fill his eyes, and they flow over his cheeks quickly. 

“Hey hey hey it’s okay it’s okay-”

“I’m so sorry, Moony. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have- I’m so sorry I feel terrible for-”

“Let’s breathe first okay?”

Remus takes a deep breath in, and out. After a few minutes Sirius finds the rhythm too, and he has stopped crying. Now he is just staring at the wall again, but not letting go of Remus’ hands. 

“Wanna talk about it?” Remus asks after 30 minutes of silence. 

Sirius immediately looks to the other side of where Remus is sitting. “Just a nightmare.”

“What nightmare?” 

A tear rolls over Sirius’ cheek again, and he tries to act like it didn’t happen by wiping it away fast. It takes him a minute, but then he asks, “Would you miss me?”

Remus furrows his brow, “Would I miss you when?”

Sirius turns over to face Remus, teary eyed. “Would you miss me if I was gone?”  

Remus’ heart shatters like it never did before. Would he miss Sirius? Sirius who made his life so much more brighter in 2 months of knowing him. Sirius who healed parts of him that he never knew needed to be healed. Sirius who has the most perfect soul ever. Sirius who he is in love with. Sirius who he cares for so much it hurts. He has no idea how Sirius could even think that Remus wouldn’t absolutely crumble without him. 

“Remember the first night we met and we sneaked out to smoke?” Sirius nods. “You said that my eyes looked like moondust was dancing on my iris’ and that my freckles looked like the craters of the moon. You said that so casually, like it was the most normal thing ever. But that was the best compliment I’ve ever gotten. Remember when we shotgunned together on game night and you acted like you knew what it was? You are the definition of fake it ‘till you make it. And that’s some strong shit, it takes strength. You fucking died and still you tried to act like everything was fine to protect Regulus. Sirius, I don’t know what made you think that I wouldn’t miss you.” 

Tears spill over, “I thought you hated me.”

“Why would I ever hate you?”

“Maybe because I wasn’t responding to any texts or calls from you, meanwhile you raced down to the hospital when I was there. You ran at 3 AM 1 mile on your fucking socks through the poring rain just to calm me down. And what do I give you?”

Remus lets go of Sirius’ hands and places one on Sirius’ cheek instead, whipping tears off with his thumb. “You don’t have to give me anything. You don’t owe me, Sirius. You are one of my best friends, I did that all for you, and not to get something back in return.”

“I’m so sorry,” Sirius says while trying to stop crying.

“Don’t be. You have nothing to be sorry about.” 

Sirius shuffles even closer to him and lays down in Remus’ lap while silently crying. “I missed you,” he admits. 

“I know, love. I missed you too.”