Kiss My Shades

“You’re all I need, you’re all I need

I’m in the middle of your picture, lying in the reeds

I am a moth who just wants to share your light

I’m just an insect trying to get out of the night”

- All I need, Radiohead

It’s Monday and James is watching a football game with Marlene at her house when he gets a text from Sirius.

My pookie dookie babygirl: < I’m going out of town for 2 weeks. I won’t be able to text or               

                                              come over. 

Honey poney sugar bae: < Thanks for letting me know! Take care of yourself in the 

                                           meantime Sirius ❤️

It’s Tuesday and James goes to a club with Lily, dancing their hearts out on Spanish music.

“Sirius couldn’t come?” Lily asks, screaming over the music so that James can hear her.

“No, he is out of town for 2 weeks. I’m sure he would have loved to come otherwise.”

“He would love the hot guys here, that I’m sure of.” 

They laugh and get excited when Lily her favorite song is playing out of the speakers. 

It’s Wednesday and James is with Remus and Peter, hanging out in Pete’s room.

“Why couldn’t Sirius come?” Peter asks.

“Yeah, he hasn’t answered any of my texts?” Remus follows up.

“He said he’s out of town for 2 weeks,” James explains. “He couldn’t come over or text. He is probably busy with model work and shoots.”

Remus furrows his brows, “No. Sirius had his shoot a few days ago. Well, he has to do another one next week but it’s not that he’s actually busy with 2 photoshoots.”

A smile forms on Peter’s mouth, “How do you know that? Been stalking his page, Lupin?”

“No,” Remus answers a bit too fast. They raise their eyebrows at him in unbelieve. Remus signs, “Well, technically yes, I did see the results on his instagram, but he told me about it while we were facetiming a few days ago.” Remus looks a bit nervous talking about Sirius. He isn’t meeting anyone’s eyes. He only does it when he is hiding something. Remus isn’t a good liar, so he avoids people even thinking he is lying or has something to hide. Yeah, that doesn’t work with James.

His body fills with happiness, “Oh my god! You like him! You like Sirius! You have been freaking out about his new pictures!”

“What?! Why do you think that?!”

“You don’t meet our eyes which you only do when you have something to hide. You seem nervous about admitting you stalked Sirius’ page, and you smiled slightly the moment Pete said his name.”

“Urg, you and your psychology reading people curse.”

“That isn’t a no! You didn’t deny it, you have a crush on him!”

“I- no- yes, but it’s complicated,” Remus tries to explain.

Peter laughs, who also picked up on the fact Remus is head over heels for Sirius, “Wouldn’t be so complicated if you just kissed him.”

Remus launches a pillow at his face and then dramatically groans in another pillow where he buries his face in. “He is just so fucking hot. I was not prepared for that pool outfit he thew at me back then in my own fucking home.”

“I’m sure that if Marlene saw him even she would have a little crisis,” Peter says.

“Just don’t tell anyone okay. I told Lily about it because I was panicking, but no one else can know, deal?”

“Yeah sure, loverboy-” James gets the same pillow as Peter had before right in his face.

They laugh, and forget about what they were talking about in the first place.

It’s Thursday and James is bedrotting and eating chips while watching his favorite show, Brooklyn 99. 

“James, are you okay?” Fleamont is standing at his bed suddenly. James didn’t even hear him coming into his room.

“Yes, why?” James answers him a bit confused. 

“Because you are watching your comfort show on repeat, you haven’t been out of bed all day, and you are eating chips like it’s the last piece of food on earth.”

“Okay, that was personal.”

Monty laughs softly at that and goes to sit next to James on his bed. “If there is something bothering you, you can talk to me, hijo.”

“I know, there just isn’t much to talk about.”

“But there is something, then?”

He closes his laptop and puts the bag of chips away. “Sirius is away to another town for 2 weeks. I thought it was probably for some photo shoot or model work he has to do, but Remus told me that Sirius didn’t have any work to do this week, definitely not so soon at least. Something feels off.”

His dad thinks about his answer for a little while. “Have you tried texting or calling him?”

“He said he couldn’t be on his phone for the whole trip. I did try, of course, but he didn’t even receive the messages or calls.”

Monty puts his hand on James’ shoulder, “I’m sure Sirius is fine. I know he has a difficult family, but he is also 17, James. He isn’t a little kid, he can seek help if he is in danger.”

“That’s true, but still.”

“He has a brother, right?”

“Yeah, Regulus.”

“If something did happen to Sirius, Regulus is there too,” his dad says. “You told me Regulus isn’t like his parents. That boy has eyes, Jamie. If he sees Sirius is in danger he will help.”

“Alright,” But James isn’t really convinced. He is just worried that something horrible is gonna happen, he feels it. And it is killing him that he can’t do anything about it.

“I’m almost 100% sure that Orion just found a little shoot to do and impulsively booked it. And that's why they were suddenly away and Sirius didn’t tell Remus. And knowing Walburga, she gave Sirius a lot of work so that he is very busy, and that’s why he can’t text or answer when you call him.”

“I hope so.”

After a little bit of comfortable silence Monty asks, “Do you know in which town they are?”

“No, Sirius didn’t say much in the message.”

“Then there is no difference you can make to the situation anyways, James. You have to let it go and trust Sirius.” 

“Thanks, dad.” 

They sit there for a long time, just in the comfortable presence of each other. James’ head on his dad’s shoulder, forever grateful to have him as a father and not Orion.

It’s Friday, and James went to the little grass field to play football with Frank. Alice and Lily are cheering them on.

It’s Saturday, and James fell asleep on the couch. He gets woken up by frantic knocking on the door. He blinks sleep out of his eyes and checks the time on his phone. 

“Who knocks on someone’s door at fucking 2 AM?” he whispers to himself, still half asleep.

The banging on the door keeps continuing and sounding louder and louder. “I’m coming, calm down.”

James opens the door and his heart drops. 

Sirius is standing in the doorframe breathing heavily and shaking like a leaf, leaning and clinging against another boy that looks very much like him, Regulus, James guesses. 

The boy speaks up, “I didn’t know where else to go,” sounding absolutely terrified. 

When James takes a closer look at Sirius he gets why.

Sirius looks like a corps, that’s how thin and pale he is. There are dark circles under his eyes. His cheeks are almost hollow, and his collarbones are popping out his body. There is vomit in his hair. 

Sirius is gripping Regulus tightly and is standing on one foot, the other one standing in a very painful angle. It’s twisted in a way that the bone is half sticking out. Sirius’ face is twitching with pain, and he is sweating too. 

He is holding one hand around his lower stomach. His hand and shirt soaked in blood. 

“Oh god,” James chokes out. 

Sirius looks at James, tear stains on his face. He is breathing fast.  He blinks very slowly, and out of nowhere he passes out and falls forward, right into James’ arms.

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god-” James keeps repeating with the slack body of his best friend in his arms. He makes eye contact with Regulus, who looks like he is gonna throw up and fall apart any minute.

James feels his own shirt getting wet, and when he lifts his own shaking hand off Sirius, it is crimson red.

“Mom, dad!” James cries out. “Help! Please help!” Terror dripping off his voice and cold fear is capturing his soul.

Effie and Monty run into the room fast. “James?! Are you okay-“ Monty says, but he is awfully cut off by the scene in front of him, and he looks like he just saw a ghost.

Effie immediately shoots in action. She gently lays Sirius on the ground and lifts his shirt to see what is bleeding that much. She isn’t- no one is prepared for what they see. 

Sirius is cut open from his left hip bone to almost his right.

James just needs to see Sirius' face, to see all the sadness, all the pain, for him to be on the brink of throwing up.

Everything that happens afterwards is a bit of a messy blur in James’ mind.

He remembers his mom putting her bare hands on the wound to make it stop bleeding, and frantically repeating and asking how this could have happened. How she didn’t see it coming. 

He remembers his dad calling an ambulance panicked. 

He vaguely remembers himself asking Regulus if he was hurt. 

He doesn’t remember how he ended up walking into the emergency waiting room, his dad’s hand guiding him.

They sit down next to Effie (who rode with Regulus along in the ambulance, Monty and James driving in their car behind it), who is holding Regulus’ hand to give him comfort.

James, out of habit, but now also for the need for his mom, lays his head down on her shoulder.

“Is he- how is he?” He asks, terrified of the answer.

“He is in emergency surgery. They haven’t given us more updates.”

“Has he… told you anything?”

“No, he was unconscious the whole ride here.”

James nods and then drifts off to his own thoughts. Time passes fast, and after sitting in the same uncomfortable chair for 4 hours, the only thing he has really thought about is how mad he is. He is so angry. He is mad at Walburga and at Orion, James never had a doubt that they did this. He wants to burn Walburga alive. He wants to break every bone in Orion’s body. He wants them to pay for what they did to their own son. 

James is also mad at himself.

He knew something was off, he had a feeling. But he still didn’t do anything. He tried calling Sirius, he texted him, but what useless shit is that? If Sirius didn’t answer, that should have been enough for James to call the police. Or go looking for him. Or do literally anything other than what he has been doing. Sirius probably thought that James was gonna save him, that James knew something was wrong and would help him. Sirius counted on James, and he wasn’t there to help. James wasn’t there to do anything for him. He didn’t help. Sirius is hurt and James didn’t help. Regulus and Sirius must have been scared to death, and he didn’t help. It must have been dangerous and horrible and James didn’t help. Sirius almost died, and James wasn’t there to help- 

“James?” Monty says. It sounds like he is saying his name from miles away. James blinks and realizes a doctor is standing in front of them, and his mum is staring at him concerned.

The doctor introduces themselves and then starts explaining Sirius’ condition. “Sirius is out of surgery. We fixed his leg. He threw a clot, but we managed to save his leg. There was a complication with his small intestine though, and he coded. He was down for 8 minutes, but we got him back. We won't know if there is any neurological damage until he is fully awake.” Monty signs in relief. “He is a real fighter, don’t forget to tell him that,” the doctor continues. “I’m almost sure that 80% of the people would not have survived these injuries and what he went through.”

Effie jumps to her feet and tackles the doctor into a hug, “Oh, thank god.” 

“When can I see him?” Regulus asks the doctor quickly. This is the first sentence he has said in almost 5 hours. 

“He is still out from the anesthesia, but I will get you guys when he has woken up.” The kind doctor smiles and then walks away.

Regulus suddenly stands up, “I need to go to the toilet.” He rushes away, and James can only barely catch Regulus wiping tears away on his cheeks. Monty stands up too, following him, also seeing that Regulus isn’t okay.

Effie, who sits next to James, softly puts her hand on his shoulder. “Sirius is alright, James. He’s okay.” 

James doesn’t know why, but suddenly he is crying too.

His mum immediately locks him in a hug, whispering comforting words in his ear. James doesn’t hear them. He doesn’t hear anything above his own sobs. He thought he lost his best friend. He thought he was the reason Sirius died. 

“I thought he died, mum ,” James chokes out in between sobs. “I thought that I lost my best friend because I didn’t help him.”

Effie strokes his hair, “That’s nonsense, estimado. Nothing that happened to him is your fault. It isn’t your fault, I need you to understand that. Sirius didn’t tell you he was in danger, probably couldn’t tell. You couldn’t have known, James. It’s not your, or Sirius’ fault. You are not to blame for this, understand?” 

“I really thought I lost him.” He is still sobbing on his mother’s shoulder.

“I know, baby, I know.” And that’s really all that can be said. They were all deadly scared they were gonna lose him. At that moment no one cared that they didn’t know Sirius for very long. Because they know Sirius is a person. A person that is kind, sweet, and funny. A person that deserves better than the people he is sadly related to. He is a person, and he deserves a good life. 

When James is calmed down and out of his mother’s arms after 30 minutes of hysterically crying, he gets up and says he is getting some water. 

When walking to the closest vending machine he can find, his phone pings. 

Fruit salad (only fruity homo’s allowed) <3:

Cheese guyy (Peter) : < Uhm, James?

                                       < Are you okay? Or even alive??

Loser Lesbian core ❤️(Marlss): < Why the fuck would he be dead???

Cheese guyy (Peter): < Because I wanted to see him, so I went to his house, and there is a 

                                        fucking bloodbath on his doorstep and inside his house

                                      < i'm not exaggerating, there is blood like everywhere

                                      < *photo*

Lils 💐: < JAMES????

Rizzmus: < what the fuck is happening there?????

                 <James Potter???!!

                 < Are you okay??

Mary🎀: < UHM JAMES?????? WHEN I SAY SLAY I MEAN LIKE BE                                              

                   ICONIC NOT ACTUALLY SLAYING PPL-

Jimbo James 💪: < I’m fine

Peteyyy: < EXPLAIN THAT TOO THE BLOOD THAT IS DRIPPING OFF THE WALLS????

Jimbo James 💪: < It’s not mine. It’s Sirius’

Rizzmus: < WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIM??? 

                 < IS HE OKAY???!!

                < JAMES PLS ANSWER ME OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL TRACK YOUR LOCATION AND 

                   HUNT YOU DOWN UNTIL YOU RESPOND IM NOT JOKING.

Cheese guyy (Peter): < I wanna make a Remus is a simp joke but I don’t think this is the right 

                                        moment…

Lils 💐: < James be totally serious right now, are you doing one of your stupid pranks on us or is this actually happening? 

Jimbo James 💪: < He is badly hurt and he was dead for 8 minutes. He showed up to my     

                                   house at 2 AM, bleeding out from his stomach and with his bone sticking  

                                   out of his leg. He passed out in my arms, my dad called the ambulance 

                                   and he went into emergency surgery

Loser Lesbian core ❤️(Marlss): < what the fuck happened to him and who did it so that i       

                                                            know who to kill. 

Mary 🎀: < please tell me he is alive

Jimbo James 💪: < He’s alive

                                 < his leg is fixed and his stomach is all stitched back up. The doctors 

                                    won’t know if he has any brain damage until he is awake, but I’ll update 

                                    you guys  

Just when James wants to shut down his phone, he gets a text from Remus.

Remyy: < Did his parents do this?

Jamesaa: < He didn’t tell me anything yet but yes I’m 100% sure they did this

Remyy: < At what hospital are you?

Jamesaa: < Ospedale Maggiore, why?

Remyy: < I’m on my way

             < I’ll give him space don’t worry, but I want him to know he isn't alone. I promised 

                him that he isn’t alone, so I will be there. 

Jamesaa: < That’s very sweet of you, Remus

Remyy: < Yeah and I’ll kill you if you ever tell Sirius that. 

Jamesaa: < Noted x

James turns his phone off, buys his water that he was here for in the first place, and walks back to his mum. Regulus and his dad have also joined again, and they sit in silence until the doctor from before comes back to them.

“Hello,” he looks at Regulus, “Would you like to see your brother?” 

Regulus is up and walking after the doctor in seconds, not wasting any time. James and his parents follow.

When they arrive at Sirius' room, Regulus stops in the doorway. James looks over to Sirius, whose eyes are focused on Regulus. Sirius’ face changes immediately. He smiles brightly at Regulus.

“You really thought they would get rid of me this easily?” He says while laughing.

That’s really all it takes for Regulus to unfreeze and spurt to the arms of his older brother. He clings to him like he is afraid that if he loses his grip, Sirius will fall down again. Or maybe Regulus will fall down. Either way, Sirius holds his little brother and whispers sweet things in his ear. He strokes his back. He keeps up that charmant smile. 

“Let’s give them some privacy, we will come back later,” Effie says softly to James.

And so they wait another 2 hours in the waiting room, this time without Regulus. James is less anxious now that he has seen Sirius. He saw that Sirius isn’t dead, that he doesn’t have brain damage, that he is medically alright. 

After 2 hours, Remus arrives. 

“I’m so sorry that it took me so long, there was so much traffic.”

“It’s okay, I haven’t really seen him either. He is with Regulus, mum said to give them some privacy.”

“But you did see him?” Remus asks hopeful. 

“Yeah, like a glimpse.”

“How did he look?”

“He looked… totally fine? The moment his eyes located Regulus, it was like he turned a switch. He smiled like he normally would. He made jokes like he normally would. He acted totally alright. But it was fake. He did it to protect Regulus. You could see it in his eyes.”

Remus doesn’t respond to that. He doesn’t know how. It is all so incredibly sad that there just aren’t any good words to describe what he wants to say, what he wants to know, and what he feels. 

“Could we see him now?”

“Sure, let's go.”

They both walk to the room, James leading the way. They stop at the door frame of the little hospital room.

Regulus fell asleep on Sirius’ chest, and Sirius is staring at the ceiling, not a single emotion playing on his face. He looks numb, it’s wrong. Sirius is always full of emotions and feelings, positive or negative. It’s so disturbing to just see nothing. 

Now that James has a better look, he sees that Sirius has a feeding tube through his nose, he is also injected with an IV. 

Remus softly gasps at his sight.

Sirius looks down and sees them standing in the doorway. The mask he had on before slips back on. 

“Hey! What do you think of my new look?” He asks Remus with a grin on his face.

James immediately jumps to action. “Drop the act, Sirius. You are hiding your real emotions again instead of facing them. Stop showing us the overly confident Sirius and just be how you feel. It’s okay, we are your friends.”

Sirius' face drops. “No- I wasn’t-”

“Please, I could smell the unhealthy coping mechanism miles away.” 

At that Sirius is just silent. James and Remus walk into the room more. James joins Sirius in the hospital bed, and Remus goes to the foot end of it. 

Sirius looks embarrassed and his eyes drift off to the ceiling again. 

“Wanna talk about it?” James asks, feeling the strong urge to glue all that is broken back again. 

“No.”

They all stare at the ceiling now, as a way of giving Sirius support. The only way Sirius accepts. 

“Have you eaten or drank anything yet?” Remus asks. 

“What do you think the IV and feeding tube are for?” Sirius answers. He knows that it sounded rude. He knows that it was very inappropriate to answer like that. But that’s what happens to him when he is too long alone with his own thoughts. He gets defensive and angry, but he doesn’t mean to. It’s weird, he is lost in his thoughts, the memories of that night flashing before his eyes, and it hurts. But it also… doesn’t? He feels everything at the same time, but also nothing. He hates it. 

Eventually he falls asleep. Regulus’ soft curls on his face, James’ warm body against him, and Remus’ presence laying on his uninjured foot. 

~~~

James wakes up to the sound of people laughing and whispering to each other. 

“-Yeah, he walked this hallway like a billion times, he is so weird. Totally not my type,” Sirius says with joy in his voice and talking to Regulus, not noticing James is awake yet.

“So what is your type then?” Remus’ voice fills the room.

James opens his eyes for a little bit to see Sirius’ face. Sirius turns his attention from Regulus to Remus while saying, “A sweet guy who is also cocky. A nerd but also someone who can flirt back and isn’t afraid to set someone in place when needed. A guy who actually finds me entertaining and likes my personality. Someone who knows who I am and accepts it.”

James sits up now, drawing the attention from Sirius and Remus who have been making intense eye contact for the last 20 seconds. “Just date Lupin. He is literally sitting right in front of you. He is single and he has a great ass.” 

Remus looks shocked at James, “Dude, please don’t talk about my ass when I’m sitting right here.” 

James shrugs his shoulders, “My point still stands.” 

They laugh a bit at that, but they get cut off by someone walking into the tiny hospital room. 

“Mr Black?”

James looks up and sees a young police officer standing in the doorway.

“Yes?” Sirius answers. 

“Hello, I’m officer Mcgonagall, but you can call me Minerva. I’m here to ask you some questions about your parents when we are alone. Is that okay for you?” 

This is the first time there shines some real emotion through Sirius. James can see he tries to hide it from Regulus, but his voice gives it away. “I don’t wanna be alone,” He says. It’s not fear that breaks through, but anger. “I’m not- I will lock myself in the little bathroom if you force them away.” He speaks firmly.

“Sirius, sweetheart, I’m so sorry but I really need to talk to you about this one on one. It’s important for the law and-”

“I don’t care what it’s important for. I’m not doing your stupid interrogation if I have to be alone.”

Mcgonagall speaks softly to him, “I’m really sorry but it doesn’t work that way.”

James looks at Sirius and can see him trying to fight for what he wants. Sirius is still fighting, he never once stopped. He should be able to stop, it’s not fair.

 Sirius is a soldier in a war that never ends. James wants to be his truce.

“With respect officer, I will not leave Sirius’ side. You can arrest me, drag me, shoot me, but I will stay here. He has been alone long enough. I promise I’ll stay quiet, I won’t say a word. Just please let me be here for him.”

Mcgonagall sighs, “Alright. But you can not say anything or do anything that would give Sirius ideas or lead the story he is telling.”

James nods fast. 

“Sirius?” Regulus says very quietly. 

Sirius isn’t angry anymore. James can locate the exact moment that Sirius turns on the big brother switch. “Hey, don’t worry, it’s nothing. James is here with me, and she just wants to ask some questions. I will be okay, I’m safe, remember?”

Remus looks from Regulus to Sirius, “Regulus and I could go to Monty and Effie if you want.”

“I would love that,” Sirius says. “And please grab some water and food for him.”

Remus nods and walks out of the room with Regulus behind him. 

Sirius’ face turns into a blank canvas again. As Minerva sits down, her facial expressions soften. “I know this must not be easy for you-”

“Yeah, it isn’t. I already did this shit, I know what you want to hear and I know what is gonna happen. Just do your thing,” Sirius says, sounding annoyed. 

“What do you mean you already did this?” James asks, confused.

Sirius turns to James, “Police have been send to our house many times because our neighbors called them when hearing them fight with us, my parents told us what to say so they didn’t get in trouble. Reggie and I did what they said. I’m done with that. But I’m also done with people not believing me, or Regulus.”

“Not believing you?” he asks.

“One time they locked Regulus in a closet without anything to eat or drinks for days. We were young, he was 4 and I was 5, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know that he was locked in there the first day. I woke up and he was just gone. It took me a whole day to find him. I tried to break the lock, I tried to stamp in the closet, but I couldn’t get him out. Reggie was crying for days on end. I could shove small bits of food under the door of the closet, so he didn’t starve. I remember my father saying the day before Regulus disappeared that he would be back that same day, but he wasn’t. I sat against that closet door for 3 whole days listening to Reggie’s cries and begging to get him out the small and dark room. I couldn’t take it anymore and didn’t know what to do, so I just ran outside and looked for help there. I finally found a police officer, and I told him what happened. He didn’t believe a single word I said and just brushed it off like I was just telling him about a nightmare I had.”

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Sirius,” Minerva starts. “But I’m not like that. I believe everything you tell me until proven otherwise. I see you’re hurt, and I will believe you when you tell me how and who did it. I’m not here to tell you you are wrong, or tell you you are imagining things. I’m here to help you and to listen to you.”

James grabs Sirius’ hand and strokes his thumb over it to give him comfort. 

“Could you tell me what happened last night, Sirius?” She asks him gently. 

He takes a deep breath. “It started with an impulsive decision from my father. I do model work for him, and a powerful person that he wanted to collaborate with for ages asked to do a photoshoot that was in 2 weeks. My father said yes, and my mother just went crazy.”

“What do you mean crazy?” She asks, focussed on the story and writing things down.

“I mean that she is a perfectionist, and if it isn’t her way, she will make it go her way. She forced me on a weight scale and told me I was too fat to do the job, so she would ‘help’ me lose some weight.”

“And how did she do that?” 

“Well, first she was raging at me for even adding weight. She didn’t know how it could have happened, since she orders her personal chefs to cook following her diet. Then she realized that it wasn’t the chef's fault, but mine. She grabbed my phone and went through it until she found a conversation with Remus, my friend.”

“What made her think it was your fault? And what did you text him? Or what did he text you?” McGonagall asks.

“I told him about how my mother before a shoot likes to make me lose even more weight. And he asked me for my address, which I gave him. From then on he went to my house every time my mother was in that mood again and he threw water bottles and food through my window.”

“Wait, why didn’t he do that in that week?” She asks him confused.

“Because my mother might be crazy but not stupid. She texted James,” Sirius nods with his head into James’ direction. “And she acted like she was me and said, “I’m gone for 2 weeks but I’m fine, bye!”, like nothing was wrong.”

James blinks and guilt creeps up and locks down into the depths of his bones. “That- that wasn’t you? That was your mother?”

Sirius nods, “I couldn’t possibly tell you. You told me to text you if something was wrong or if I wasn’t feeling well. I- I always tried to tell you from then on. I wanted to get better. I wanna be better. And you make me better, so I wanted to reach out, but I literally couldn’t because she smashed my phone the minute she sended the text.”

James feels horrible. If he just had known that text wasn’t from Sirius himself, nothing would have happened and got this bad. “I’m so sorry, Sirius. I really didn’t know. If I did I would have rescued you in that literal second. I swear that I didn’t know-”

Minerva cuts in, “James, I’m sorry but I really have to know more. You can talk to him later but this is important and you promised to not say anything. I’m sorry.”

James nods but grips Sirius hand even tighter. 

She turns her attention back to Sirius, “What happened after that?”

“She went fully insane, she smashed my phone so that I wouldn’t be able to text James or Remus, then she rented a little vacation house so that Remus wasn’t able to find me, and then gaslighted Regulus into thinking nothing was wrong at all and that we just needed to move for a bit for work. She separated me and Reggie from the start so that I wouldn’t be able to tell him otherwise.”

“Your brother, is he like your mother and father?” She frowns her brows, needing to find more answers. 

“No, not at all, and she knew it. That’s why I couldn’t be with him, in case I told him what the situation really was about and I would let him get me help.”

Minerva nods and writes something down really fast. “Can you tell me what happened in the hotel room, Sirius?”

Sirius signs, and to be honest, James has never admired him more than in this moment. From what James has heard already and has seen, Sirius went through a traumatic experience, and he is acting like it’s fucking boring for him. He genuinely looks so unbothered that if people didn’t know the story, they would just think he was tired or annoyed. Last night he looked tired from it all, but even then he didn’t seem sad, or afraid, or anything like that. 

“My mother went into diet and weight loss mode and locked me into the bedroom,” Sirius continues. “She tried to keep Regulus away from the room, telling him I just needed some ‘space’. Of course she couldn’t keep him away all the time, so he would sit against the door and talk to me.”

Minerva looks confused. “Why didn’t he do anything to help you?”

“Because he didn’t know anything was wrong. No one told him, and I wasn’t gonna put him through hell if I was still okay.” 

“No, Sirius, that isn’t how it works-” James immediately goes into protection mode. He wants to help him. To get those crazy ideas out of Sirius’ head. To heal him.

“James, I’m sorry, I really am, but if you don’t shut up I will have to remove you from the room.”

James nods, but he is angry at Minerva. Sirius is opening up, and no one is comforting him in a way he needs it. James hasn’t let go of Sirius’ hand, but he feels like it isn’t enough. He feels like Sirius needs more. But somehow James also has no idea what Sirius needs because Sirius basically turned into a robot. He isn’t showing any emotions and it scares James. Sirius is literally everything except numb normally. He feels everything very deeply. He is overly happy when something good happens, and he is really mad when someone insults his friends or Regulus, and he gets really depressed sometimes. Emotions explode out of him. But now it looks like he is feeling nothing. 

Minerva talks again and James snaps out of his train of thoughts. “Why did you feel the need to protect Regulus? If you need some time to answer that, that is alright of cour-”

“-Because he is just a child. He is barely 16 for fucks sake. He shouldn’t have to break his older brother out of a room that their mother locked him in. I wasn’t dying or something, I was okay. I was handling it so that he didn’t have to.”

She looks deep in thought. “So, how did you get out then? Or when did you feel the need to escape? Because you said that you were fine, excuse me but, here you are in a hospital bed. What made you realize you weren’t as fine as you thought?”

Sirius looks down a bit. “Well, my father brought me a tiny sandwich and a bottle of water once, on the 3rd day. But then it was the 7th day and he didn’t come back. I talked to Regulus, but he kept telling me I sounded tired and asking if I was okay. Everytime I stood up I saw black spots in front of my eyes. I was hungry and thirsty. After not getting any form of vitamins or hydration for 4 days, I realized that on the 5th or 6th nothing was gonna come either. It was either die from dehydration and starvation in that ugly room, or break out of it.”

Minerva nods, “Can you tell me how you got out?”

In a weird way, Sirius looks ashamed when he tells her. “I- I had a bobby pin in my hair so I just picked the lock.”

She frons, “What stopped you from escaping earlier then?”

“Officer, respectfully, I would have had a higher survival rate at staying in that room for 2 more days then having escaped right away. Escaping wasn’t a smart plan at any time as you can see,” Sirius waves his hand to the hospital room to clear his point.

She smiles a bit. “The bobby pin was really smart of you. Very much movie coded, I can say.” She writes down more things and then clears her throat. “But, what happened afterwards? How did you get to James’ house and how did you end up so badly hurt?”

“I opened my door, tried to get out of that vacation house. The sad thing is that I was also so fucking close to getting out without any problems. It’s just that my father likes problematic things, apparently.”

Her face is serious again. “What did he do? And Sirius, as much as this must hurt to relive these moments, you need to be very detailed and clear to me, okay?” 

Sirius nods. “I was almost at the door, but because I was constantly seeing black spots and trying not to faint, I didn’t even see my father standing in the hallway next to the door. He kicked in my leg, and I fell onto the ground. He said something to me, I think he told me ‘You stay here, filthy pig,’ but I’m not sure. I didn’t hear it really well because my leg hurted too much to pay attention to anything else. I- I looked down at it and in some miraclus way that man managed to break my leg with one fucking kick. The bone stuck out in a sickening way, and I threw up on the doormat from the sight of it.”

“You are doing really well, Sirius.” Minerva is writing things down very fast. “If you feel the need to take a break just tell me-”

He cuts her off and talks again, clearly just wanting this shit to be over. “I think I passed out for a little while, because out of nowhere my mother was standing over me with a knife in her hand. I didn’t feel tired anymore, or dizzy or anything. I was just scared.”

James wishes he could take all the pain from him away. He is aching to help Sirius, but it’s breaking him that even as his best friend, he doesn’t know how to.

Sirius continues, “I wasn’t scared that she would kill me, which I totally thought she was gonna do, by the way. I was scared for Regulus, because he would be alone. I know what it’s like to have all the pressure on you, and I always made sure that Reggie didn’t have to know that. But if I was gone, no one would protect Regulus from my crazy parents, Regulus would blindly follow them into dead’s trap, because no one would tell him that that isn’t the healthy and right lane to take. He would probably not even know that I died, my parents would have told him that I ran away, or that I was gonna do model work in China for the rest of my life.”

“So, you were scared for your little brother instead of yourself?” 

“It’s not that I’m suicidal, to be clear. I’m just protective over him, I guess.”

Minerva hums in agreement. “You are really brave, Sirius.”

Sirius doesn’t respond, he just keeps telling the rest of what happened. “Anyways, she stood there and she told me that if I wanted to get out of the house, I could only go when I had lost weight. She- she came to stand over me, and kneeled down. She pulled up my shirt and then pulled my trousers down a bit. My mother said that the only way to lose weight that fast is to just cut the fat away.”

James is in shock. He wants to throw up from all of the horrible things he heard. He wants to set Walburga and Orion on fire and burn them for so long that only ashes are left. He wants them to suffer like they made Sirius suffer. He genuinely can not believe that people can be this cruel. He wants to comfort Sirius. He wants to keep him safe. He wants to stroke his hair until he falls asleep. He wants- 

He wants a billion things. But all he can do is look at his best friend with an aching heart and big shocked eyes. 

Even Minerva is silent for a bit. She doesn’t say anything, so Sirius just continues to talk, still looking unbothered to it all. 

“She cut me open from my left hip bone to almost my right. I screamed, because it hurted, but I think I also screamed when my father was still there. I don’t know. But either way, Regulus was suddenly standing behind my mother because he must have heard me scream. Before she reached my right hip bone, he smashed a vase on her head, making her pass out and stop. It hurted really bad, and when I grabbed my stomach I felt warm fluid run through my fingers.”

Minerva clears her throat again, looking disturbed. “Just to clarify, your father broke your leg and your mother cut you open?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me how you and Regulus end up at James’ house?”

“Adrenaline, I guess. I wasn’t tired anymore and I wasn’t feeling scared. I wanted to survive. Regulus was so brave, he didn’t waste a second. He picked me up from the floor and dragged me outside. I never wanted him to see any of what happened, but if he wasn’t there I would have probably bled out and died on that stupid doormat. I told him where James lives, luckly it wasn’t that far. When we were almost there the adrenaline disappeared, and everything started to hurt again. It went okay at first, I was just walking on one leg, and holding my stomach with my hands. But then in James’ street I didn’t feel that good anymore and the dizziness and black spots came back. Regulus dragged me to James’ doorstep. The last thing I remember is James opening the door.”

Now Minerva turns her attention to James. “What happened at your house, James?” 

James clears his throat. “Someone knocked on the door very frantically, so I opened it, and I saw Regulus and Sirius standing there. Sirius fainted and fell forward, right in my arms. I- I yelled for my mum and dad to help me. My father called the ambulance and my mum tried to keep Sirius’ wound closed.”

Minerva writes down more things and hums in approval. After a while she puts her note book away and stands up from where she was sitting on the little sofa in the room. “Sirius, thank you so much for sharing this. I promise we will protect you and your brother in every way that we can. You are not alone in this. If you ever need something, anything at all, just call the station and ask for me.”

Sirius nods and silently says thank you. As Minerva walks out the room, James realizes he honestly doesn’t know what to do next. He always knows what to do, how to help. He knows that Sirius needs help, but he doesn’t know how to give him that. James is known for how much comfort he can bring people. Now James doesn’t even know how to do that for his best friend. 

He feels so fucking useless. 

James looks at Sirius and genuinely wishes that he was the one laying in the hospital bed instead of Sirius. 

Sirius keeps looking at the door frame where Minerva walked out of a minute ago. He doesn’t say anything. It also isn’t like he is seeking comfort in James. He didn’t pull away from James’ hand, but he isn’t holding into it either. He is just, here. 

“Sirius, I want to help you. I want to do something. And it kills me that I don’t know how. You’re in pain, and you have every right too, but I wanna steal it from you and give it to myself. I want to give you a moment to breathe, to feel, to live instead of surviving and fighting. Please tell me how to help-”

“You can’t!” Sirius says suddenly. It sounds harsh, cruel, and full of anger. He isn’t looking lifeless anymore. He looks full of anger, full of rage. Emotions are filling him again, just not in the way James hoped. “Fucking accept it, James, you can’t help me right now! Just give me some space and go away!” Sirius starts to shuffle as far as he can away from James. 

“Sirius? What-” James says confused.

“No, I mean it! Get the fuck away! You wanna help me but you don’t fucking get it!”

“Then make me get it, I wanna be there for you,” James says back. He doesn’t scream it like Sirius does, but his tone isn’t soft either.

“Are you deaf or something? I don’t fucking want you here, how hard is that to get?!” Sirius steps out of the bed, his face twisting with pain due to the movement. 

James’ arms reach out automatically to help him. “Sirius, you need to stay in bed otherwise your stitches will rip. You can’t even walk, your leg is broken maybe in a trillion places! Stay in the bed!”

“Don’t come closer, I told you I don’t want help!” Sirius tries to walk away from James, but he almost crumbles to the floor, he can hold onto the bed just in time. 

“Don’t be stupid and go back to bed,” James orders him, getting out of the bed now and walking closer to Sirius to steady him. 

“I just wanna get the fuck out of here! Get me to Reggie and let me go away!” Sirius takes another step, and a whimper of pain escapes his lips.

James places his hands on Sirius’ shoulders. Sirius tries to get James off of him immediately. James talks quickly, “Sirius! Look at me, look!” 

Sirius keeps fighting James off. “No, stop I- no! Just fuck off!”

“Sirius, look me in the eyes and let me talk!” James says strictly. 

Sirius meets James’ graze for a few seconds, “I already told you that I don’t want to talk! I wanna leave this shithole, I want to be alone and I want you to stop being so fucking nice to me, why can’t you just be angry with me?!”

“Because I love you, you idiot!” James says back with the same tone Sirius has. Out of all the times Sirius could have flinched back, he did it now. But James doesn’t let him go. “I love you and I’m not gonna just let you drown in your own thoughts! I’m not saying you have to talk about it! I’m not saying I’ll never leave you alone! I’m just saying that you aren’t okay but you don’t even let yourself recognize it!”

Sirius is struggling to keep it together, James can see it. 

“Sirius, let it out! Don’t try to hold yourself together, let it all go! It’s me, it’s your best friend.” 

He keeps trying to fight James off, “No- stop I don’t- I” 

James locks him into a very tight hug where Sirius tries to get out even more frantically. “Admit it, hear it. You are hurt. You are in physical and mental pain. You are not okay. You parents tried to kill you. It’s okay to not feel fine, I’m here to catch you if you fall apart like broken glass. But right now you are just burning yourself down, you are glass and you are melting instead of shattering and I can’t catch something that is liquid. I can’t catch melted glass. You need to let me help you.”

Sirius is breathing fast and repeating, “You need to stop. Stop now. Stop.” He sounds on the brink of falling apart.

“I’m holding you tightly so that your body activates the parasympathetic nervous system. It makes you calm again. You need to trust me on this Sirius, you will feel better.”

“I- I don’t wanna feel better! I don’t deserve to feel better!” He screams, pain in his voice. “I failed the one thing my parents asked of me! They tried to kill me, and I saved myself!” Tears are building up in Sirius’ eyes and are quickly spilling over. “I saved myself when I didn’t deserve to! Don’t you get it James?! I don’t wanna feel better, I wanna feel miserable and horrible because that’s the closest thing to being dead! I don’t wanna live! I don’t want it! I don’t want to be alive-” 

Sirius’ legs give out and he crumbles to the ground, James still holding him and going to the ground too. Sirius cries into James’ arm and mumbles what he last said over and over again. His sobs come from the depths of his soul, the walls of his chest, the marrow of his bones. It cracks him right open. 

He doesn’t fight James off anymore, instead he is clinging to him so hard now that his fingernails are leaving prints into James’ skin. “I- I can't. I can’t do this. I fail everyone,” He chokes out. “I couldn’t fulfill what my mother asked of me, I let my little brother drag me out of that house, when he could have been attacked too. I just arrived at your door half dead and ruined everything. I only ruin things. I try to fix it but only make them worse and-”

“Sirius, Sirius,” James says, trying to get his attention. “You have to breathe-”

“-and I was so close. I only needed to last one more week and then maybe my mother would have been proud of me. I only needed to be braver,” Sirius cries out. “I am always so close to their goals, but I’m never enough to actually achieve them.” His breathing fastens. “I was almost done with my mother’s diet, and then I could do the shoot. I could almost run away alone, but then my parents went fucking crazy. I could almost do the last thing they asked of me. They tried to kill me and I was dead. James, I was dead for 8 whole minutes. But I came back and I failed that too.”

James his heart is breaking into a million pieces. “Sirius, you don’t ruin anything. I’ve never been more grateful that you are alive. You-” 

Sirius interrupts him. He whispers, “I was dead for 8 minutes. My heart stopped and now everything hurts so much that I wish it never started beating again. I don’t want to do this anymore-” Sirius cries even more.

James’ heart is bleeding for Sirius. He is gently stroking Sirius’ hair while keep repeating how important Sirius is for him. He whispers into Sirius’ ear how much he loves him. James is holding his best friend, who is shaking like a leaf in his arms, who is falling apart in every way it is possible, who is wishing he was dead. Sirius is crying and screaming and struggling to breathe, and James can only stroke his back. Whisper soothing things in his ear. Hug him tightly. 

It doesn’t feel enough. 

Sirius keeps being in that state for days. He never once pulled away from James. He almost never stopped crying. He always looked like he was gonna fall apart any minute.

Sirius’ heart might be beating again, but parts of him will forever stay dead.