Harry potter and the surprisingly adorable dark lord
Title: Harry Potter and the Surprisingly Adorable Dark Lord
A Crackfic
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Harry Potter did not expect to find a baby in the Chamber of Secrets.
And yet, there he was.
A tiny, chubby-cheeked, red-eyed infant wrapped in a dark little blanket, staring up at him with an unsettling mix of innocence and pure evil.
Harry squinted. “Wait. Are you Tom Riddle?”
The baby blinked. Then, in the tiniest, most sinister baby voice, it whispered:
“Yessss.”
Harry slowly looked around. There was no sign of the giant basilisk, no diary, no evil monologue. Just… a tiny, adorable, reborn Dark Lord.
He sighed. “Oh, Merlin’s left sock. I am not dealing with this.”
Then baby Tom sneezed—and the entire room shook with accidental magic.
Harry stared at him. Then at the ceiling cracks. Then back at him.
“…Well, I can’t just leave you here.”
Baby Voldemort cooed ominously.
And that’s how Harry Potter accidentally adopted Lord Voldemort.
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Step One: Raising a Mini-Dark Lord
Harry tried everything to make baby Tom not evil.
Introduced him to stuffed animals. Tom immediately tried to conquer them.
Read him bedtime stories. Tom only liked the ones with villains winning.
Gave him a toy wand. Tom accidentally set the couch on fire.
It was concerning.
One day, Ron peered into the crib. “Mate… is it just me, or does he look like he’s plotting?”
Baby Tom smirked.
Hermione, flipping through a book, muttered, “Harry, we need to set some… boundaries.”
Harry sighed. “I tried, ‘Mione. But he’s so powerful.”
As if to prove a point, baby Tom levitated a cookie to himself without lifting a finger.
Ron turned pale. “He’s gonna kill us in our sleep one day.”
Tom giggled ominously.
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Step Two: Changing History
As time passed, Harry realized that, while Tom was still creepy and ambitious, he was also a very dramatic toddler.
Examples included:
Throwing a tantrum when his blankie wasn’t folded just right.
Demanding a throne (which was actually just a booster seat, but he didn’t know that).
Refusing to drink from a sippy cup because it wasn’t “worthy of the Dark Lord.”
Harry sighed. “Tom, you’re three. Drink your juice.”
Tom folded his arms. “No.”
Harry glared. Tom glared back.
It turned into a full-blown staring contest.
Until Harry whispered, “Fine. I’ll just tell Hermione you skipped your vegetables.”
Tom gasped in betrayal. “You wouldn’t dare.”
Harry smirked. “Try me.”
Tom sulked and drank his juice angrily.
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Step Three: The Wizarding World Reacts
By the time Tom turned six, people had noticed.
Dumbledore was stressed. (“Harry, my dear boy, why is Voldemort wearing a frog onesie?”)
Lucius Malfoy fainted when he saw baby Voldemort hug a kitten.
Draco was confused. (“Potter… why is the Dark Lord calling you Dad?”)
Snape had an existential crisis.
Worst of all? Tom was a Daddy’s Boy.
One day, Draco insulted Harry during a Quidditch match.
Tom bit him.
“I’M UNDER ATTACK!” Draco screeched.
Tom crossed his arms. “No one insults Father.”
Harry facepalmed. “Tom, we’ve talked about this.”
Tom huffed. “I let him live. That’s progress.”
Ron whispered, “That’s not progress.”
Hermione sighed. “At least he’s… loyal?”
Harry groaned. “I’m raising a tiny, overpowered, chaotic menace.”
Tom grinned proudly.
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Step Four: The Future is Doomed
By the time Tom turned eleven, he was scary smart, ridiculously powerful, and still way too attached to Harry.
On his first day at Hogwarts, he immediately:
1. Became the Slytherin leader. (The older kids were afraid of him.)
2. Threatened Peeves into servitude.
3. Politely told Dumbledore he was “watching him.”
And worst of all? He sent Harry a Father’s Day card.
Dumbledore stared at it in horror. “Harry. You have doomed us all.”
Harry just sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Because, in the end…
The world didn’t get rid of Voldemort.
It just got a smaller, sassier, and much more well-raised version of him.
And he still called Harry “Dad.”
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[The End… or the Beginning of a Very Confusing Future.]