Why can't you be good for something

Regulus scoffed as Barty, Evan and him walked down to the great hall. Another day at school. The two others had just gotten out of detention which they had dragged Regulus into. Well, mainly Barty who Regulus was 99% sure dating his cousin (and half uncle?), Evan.

Regulus walked slightly behind the two as they held onto each other, flipping off people as they walked past. He loved his friends, he really did. Sure, Evan and Barty were real boys, but Regulus wasn't jealous or anything. That would be so silly. He felt his chest slightly tighten as he sat down.

Barty sat down with the two even though he was in Ravenclaw. The same with Evan’s twin Pandora who was quietly Regulus’s favourite person. Ever. Dorcas also sat down and started to chat with everyone.

Regulus just sighed as he started to eat. He glanced up to look at Pandora but his eyes meet dark brown, slightly panicked eyes two tables down. He stares at James Potter who seemed in a state of discomfort. Well, Regulus assumed that by James’s complexion was slightly paler than his usual bright brown skin.

How could everyone just be ignoring the sun that outshone all the rest of them? He was clearly upset- and Reg felt himself growing slightly angry at his brother and his stupid friends.

Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to look away from the other man. A silly childhood crush- but Regulus still felt butterflies every time that stupid, gorgeous man looked at him. Regulus scoffed to himself as he saw his brother turn around and glare at him. Barty just grinned from next to him and blew Sirius a kiss. “Your brother pissy again that you’ve got much hotter friends?” The green haired man grinned and wrapped an arm around Regulus as he scowled. “Don’t be like that Reggie boy.” Evan said in a teasing tone and snickered from the other side of Regulus.

“Fuck off you two.” Regulus groaned, shoving Barty’s head away. He huffed as he glanced up at Pandora. She smiled at him and he felt himself smiling a little back despite himself.

Regulus sat in the girls dorm. He glanced at Dorcas who was quietly painting, most likely one for her girlfriend. He sighs and walks to the bathroom, taking off his shirt. The stupid binder was getting too tight again. Pandora had told him it was a muggle thing that could help him with whatever he was feeling. And it had. For moments in the day Regulus had actually felt like a real boy.

That was before some person would fuck up and call him his deadname. He would have the soul crushing reminder that people didn’t see him a boy. Only a trans boy. Maybe in some other universe he was born a man? Regulus doubted it.

He doubted and hated a lot of things. The colour orange, standing out, raw happiness, being born a girl and love. Call him a cynic, but that practically summed Regulus up as a person.

He sighs and wipes his eyes. He hated feeling anything. Maybe it was time for another smoking session with Barty. He always bought those muggle ‘cigarettes’ from that weird kid Lupin. They calmed Regulus down. 

As he gets in the shower he sits down on the cold tiles. He glanced to the roof where the clear sky was visible through the glass. 'What was he?' He thought as he remembered Sirius pointing out their constellations. Sirius was a bright star. Everyone noticed it in the sky. Remus was the moon, no one noticed it unless someone pointed it out. James was the sun, he made everyone’s day brighter but he’d set before anyone realised. Peter was asteroid that lit up everyone’s sky but if you blinked, you’d miss it.

But Regulus? He wasn’t anything. James was the sun. He outshone everything and everyone Regulus felt a deep longing in his chest. God he was lonely.

Regulus wasn’t the moon. He wasn’t even a star. He took a deep breath. Maybe he did have a slight obsession with astrology.

Maybe he just thought a lot. And wrote poetry that he wouldn’t let his closet friend see. Or the fact that he loved music, and reading and sleeping. That was the tender side of him that no one saw. Ever.

Or maybe he was destined to die his parents daughter.

The next morning Regulus lay in some flower field off to the side of the forbidden forest. Pandora had taken him down there after he'd mentioned his dysphoria was getting worse again. It was calming, the gentle breezing brushing against his face.

He gently pulled the petals off some wildflowers as Pandora made him a flower crown. “You okay Reg?” Her voice had always soothed him, calm but strong. “Mhm. Just thinking.” He mumbles, letting the flower petals float off into the breeze. “Bout what?” She said softly as she put the flower crown over his black wavy hair.

Regulus closed his eyes and just let the wind blow through his hair. He’d think about everything later, right now he was simply content. “That thing you were talking about. Piercings? I’d get the side of the top of my ear done.” Pandora laughed slightly, her voice almost blending into the wind. “Your helix, Reg?”

He nodded, slightly embarrassed. He’d gotten his seconds and firsts done after much begging from Barty.

And so later that afternoon Evan was sticking a needle through the top of his ear.

Things weren’t so bad. The cynic himself would almost say things were looking up.