Why can't you be good for something

James Potter was the sun. He had been told this ever since he was young. Always a kind soul, helping other and being a friendly and sweet kid. But there was a problem. James was fat- ever since he was a child he had been fat. Maybe counting calories had been destined in the stars all his life.

Slowly, James wakes up from a light sleep. He sits up and wipes his eyes, glancing around the dorm. His eyes land on Sirius- his perfect, perfect best friend, in Remus’s bed. A small twang of jealousy explodes in his heart. They could be so open with who they were. Happy and carefree, James thought to himself bitterly. He tugged his eyes away from the two towards Peters bed. The bed was empty and as if on cue, the blonde walked out from the bathrooms.

Peter smiled at James and waved, not wanting to wake the others. James smiles back and tried not to look as Peter changed, but he couldn’t help himself. He glanced over at Peter’s body as he got changed. He seemed so confident. Peter wasn’t exactly skinny. He wasn’t fat either though, James decided. Chubby, but healthy and nonetheless as confident as anyone could be. James quietly lamented the fact that Peter could walk around like that, so carefree with how he looked. ‘At least he’s fatter than me’ James thought bitterly to himself. He hated himself for thinking that way. I mean that was his childhood friend for gods sake! And everyones body was beautiful in it's own way. Just not James's. The black haired man sighed and tried to push out the thoughts from his head as he headed to the bathroom. His somehow least and most favourite time of the day. James slowly takes off his pyjamas, staring at his body in the mirror. He was thin in the mornings. It never lasted though. His ribcage way too wide, his hips too narrow. Sure his stomach was flat, but everything else was still so wrong. He rubs his eyes and steps onto the scale, letting out a small weep as he sees the numbers going up from last time. How? How the hell could he have gained weight- he’d trained extra hard in quidditch and he’d not eaten again and again. How? A hot anger bubbled to his chest as he felt to urge to scream. He rubs his face and turns on the shower, stepping into the scathing hot water.

After a good shower, James walked out from the bathrooms. He assumed that everyone had already gone as he got dressed. He pushes his glasses up his nose as he puts on his clothes, trying not to be sick as he realises his pants have gotten tighter around his waist again. James takes a deep breath and puts on his shoes as he makes his way down to the great hall. He grins slightly as he sees all of his friends happily eating breakfast. Marlene grins from her spot next to Sirius. "Oi! James! Get your ass over here, they have hash browns." Marlene calls to him, looking back at him with a grin of her own. James laughs slightly as he settles next to Sirius. He goes to grab a piece of toast. He couldn't make anyone too worried. All of a sudden he freezes when he notices Sirius was only snacking on a apple. A single green apple. "Hey Pads, you okay? You should probably eat a bit more then that, hey?" He grins at the pale man.

Sirius sighs "Only if I have to. I'm just hardly ever hungry y'know." He mumbles as he puts a few pancakes onto his plate. James grinned but he internally scowled. He wish he could just forget he was hungry. That wasn't fair. James took a deep breath as he reached past Sirius again for the butter, their hands next to each other. Sirius's was thin, pale and gorgeous. James fingers were too short, too wide. He had such ugly hands, He thought to himself in disgust. He swallowed as he took in all his friends faces. Who was he kidding? He wasn't pretty like Sirius, or funny like Peter, or strong like Remus. What was he? Happy? Not even that, not truly. He felt like he couldn't breathe. The massive great hall felt suddenly so small as he looks up. His eyes met a pair of stormy grey ones two tables across. Short black gorgeous curls.

Regulus Black was staring him straight in the eyes as if to say i see you. While all of his friends were chatting away and not noticing him, his best friends little brother was? James continued to stare before Sirius put his ever so thin hand on his shoulder. "You alright Prongsie?" Sirius grinned at him as he followed his gaze, scoffing at seeing his brother quickly look down. "Ignore him, what a dickhead. Probably just lamenting the fact he can't go tell mother dearest about how happy we all look right now." Sirius snickered and James forced grin but he had never felt less like agreeing with him.

James Potter sat on the tiled bathroom floor. He had gone through the day asking his friends for snacks, but when they gave it to him, he ate them. And while he still ate them, he silently screamed at himself for eating again. What kind of a shitty friend did that? And Sirius- Sirius had been trying to fatten James up all day, he was sure of it. Always offering him snacks so he could be skinnier, James thought to himself bitterly. He sat up and leant over the toilet, shoving two fingers. He felt so full, so fat. He'd eaten even when he couldn't. James tried to tell himself that he'd just eat less tomorrow but he couldn't. He needed to get some relief right now. He desperately shoves two fingers down his throat, but that method had never worked for him. He collapsed against the wall, silently sobbing.

He runs his hands over the slightly healed cuts on his large thighs. He was such a pig. It wasn't fair. Why, why, why. Why him? Why did James have to be fat? Why did he have to eternally think about calories and either not eat or eat far too much and then feel the soul consuming guilt. Why did he have to be James Potter.