Dis-Moi, Mon Lion
Sirius is going mad. He is losing his mind because he heard his little brother scream in pain before the explosion went off. He tried catching the cauldron but he was too slow. Just before the potion blew up and threw all of them into different corners of the room, he heard Regulus cry out with pain.
He can’t see or hear Regulus. Because there is dust and blinding smoke everywhere inside the classroom. Because there is a ringing in his ear and he is seeing things. Things like scraped knees and broken baby tooth and allergy sneezes and bad bruises and curses out of mother’s wand. Things like him picking Regulus up. Picking him up. Always picking him up, not pushing him down. Never letting him down.
He screams Regulus’ name like a madman. He can’t hear his own voice but he desperately hopes Regulus can.
Sirius tries getting up on his feet. His leg is hurt badly. That one’s going to be some work for Pomfrey. He walks towards the middle of the room, or that’s what he thinks because he can’t see a fucking thing. He has to find where the cauldron fell. Has to find where Regulus fell. He has to find where he—
Where he pushed his little brother under a boiling, dangerous potion that just exploded.
He feels a few string of hair coming off as he pulls at his scalp, turning around himself and kicking broken pieces of the room away to clear his way. He distinctly hears himself screaming out for Regulus but his voice still sounds too far away. His vision keeps blurring. He can’t- He—
Sirius feels a hand on his back. Repeated a thousand times, the pressure familiar, he is already half-drunk on relief when he is turning around. James has a cut on his forehead and his glasses are almost cracked in half, but other than that he looks alright. He is wandering his hands over Sirius’ chest with a panicked look in his eyes, trying to make sure he is still in one piece.
“James I can’t find him! Help me please, I can’t find Regulus! I can’t find him, James!”
“We’ll find him— we’ll find Regulus, are you okay?! Are you hurt?” James shouts back and Sirius realizes he can hear a bit better.
“Regulus!” Sirius tries again. “Regulus! Reg! Where are you?”
“Sirius?” He hears a weak, weak voice coming from his left. Still nothing at sight but he heard him.
“Reg, keep calling! I can’t see you! Where are you?”
“Sirius please!”
“Are you okay?” Sirius thinks he might be crying. He is trying to get the dust and smoke out of the way with his hands. He has no idea where his wand is.
“My hands hurt.” Regulus sounds so small and hurt. He’s probably injured very badly. Fuck. Fuck this is all his fault.
“I’m coming! Keep talking, okay?”
“I’m scared Sirius!”
Sirius thinks that sounded so close. He turns around himself and tries to locate his brother. Finally he catches sight of a small, indistinct shadow. Regulus must be sitting on the ground. Sirius is about to actually take off running when the shadow spots him and starts coming towards him first. That— makes him freeze.
Because the shadow is still really close to the ground. Is Regulus crawling? Is he hurt that badly? But he moves too fast to be crawling. He looks like— He’s running?
Just a second later, Sirius realizes his hearing corrected itself a while ago and the reason Regulus sounded so weak and small was entirely different.
When Sirius finally spots the little boy with curly dark hair he would recognize anywhere and anytime in the world, he instinctively falls to his knees. Opens his arms wide for a little, scared child to fall into. Regulus collides with his chest and bursts a sigh out of him, making him realize he hasn’t been breathing. Sirius is sure he has actually gone mad when he feels tiny arms squeezing his shoulders. He is sure he’s lost his mind when he feels little fists grabbing his sweater, where a tiny head and a tiny body nest on his chest.
Sirius feels the first tear fall when he hears his brother talk and it is a baby’s voice.
“Is maman so angry Sirius? I didn’t do it! I promise ce n’était pas moi, ask Kreacher! Je te jure, s’il te plait!”
He must be what? Four? Five? His English is still a little wobbly so he can’t be older than five. He looks five. Sirius thinks maybe this is the reality and he is still at the Grimmauld, dinner is in two hours and this mess they’ve just made will cost them food. Maybe he’s imagined Hogwarts. He’s imagined James and Pete and Moony. Oh Moony.
Sirius knew Remus was better than anything he could ever have. Oh he’s pathetic, isn’t he? Was he daydreaming the whole time? He dreamt about leaving Regulus behind? Leaving him here? Here in this house? He knew he wasn’t the best person alive but he always thought he was a good brother. How could he ever leave Reggie behind? That was so stupid and unreal. He hated himself for letting himself believe this delusion. He hugged Regulus tighter to his chest.
That’s when he realized how big he felt. His limbs were awkwardly long and he stood on his knees. He couldn’t be that longer than Regulus. If Reg was five, then Sirius must be six. Why are his hands so huge that he can cover Regulus’ whole back when he holds him? Why is James standing right there?
James is standing right there.
They’re at Hogwarts. Remus is there now, standing next to James with a hand on his hip. Remus freezes when he looks at what James is fixated on. Sirius watches him go in and out of multiple shocks. And the worst thing is that Regulus is crying. He’s sobbing and he’s hugging Sirius’ shoulders and Sirius is somehow so much taller than him.
Suddenly, Sirius remembers Regulus saying his hands hurt, and anything else stops mattering. The cauldron. It fell on him. It fell on Regulus and Regulus was sixteen. He was sixteen and now he is so tiny, the green Slytherin jumper covers his entire body like a sack. His trousers are tangling at his feet and his brother looks like a kid.
He said his hands hurt. “Reggie. Regulus can you show me your hands? You said you hurt your hands? Can I see them?”
Sirius tries peeling Regulus off of his shoulders but he is still holding on to Sirius’ sweater. Sirius is scared of hurting his hands even more. He wants to hug Regulus and cry until he understands what’s happening but the little boy is already doing that. So he supposes it’s time to act like his big brother. “Regulus I need to see them so I can heal them, okay?”
James takes a step towards them but Sirius gently shakes his head. Regulus seems to be very little also in his mind so he will be too scared if he sees anyone he doesn’t recognize. Remus runs a hand through his hair and looks at Sirius on the ground, with a toddler in his arms, who also happens to be the pettiest sixth year in Slytherin.
“What is going on?” Peter eventually finds them. James and Remus try shushing him instantly but it’s too late for Regulus to not hear him. Regulus jumps in Sirius’ arms and lets out a deep sob. He ends up crawling more and more onto Sirius’ chest. He never looks back. He just buries his head more into Sirius’ chest and cries shakily.
“Hey! Hey, it’s alright,” Sirius brings one of his hands to Regulus’ hair to soothe him. Peter stands there, taking it all in. Trying to make any sense of it. Sirius wishes him luck. “We’re fine Reggie.”
“Is maman coming?” His hiccups are making it hard for him to speak but he manages. Sirius’ heart squeezes every time he hears him talk. It is too heavy— the past.
“No Regulus,” Sirius looks at James pleadingly because he doesn’t know what to do and James always knows the right thing to do. Somehow he always does and he needs to know now. Because Sirius has never known anything less. James Potter looks as lost as anyone so the world has to be ending. Sirius shakes his head and tries again. “She is not here, she won’t be mad at you. You didn’t do anything.”
“What happened?” Regulus demands, still not moving at all. Sirius isn’t sure how to explain this.
“There was a potion and you crashed into the cauldron. It was an accident and—“
“Parle français!” He tightens his fist and winces a little. Sirius can’t take it.
“Regulus, il y eu un accident et tu es blessé. On est à Hogwarts, d’accord? Maman n’est pas là.” Sirius tries explaining without making Regulus freak out just yet. Not before they can figure out how to fix this. “Show me your hands, bébé.”
Regulus sniffs a few times before giving in and he straightens up. Sirius proceeds to lose his shit when he sees his face because he is— He is so. He is very little. He can’t believe Regulus was ever this little. He’s absolutely so small and Sirius is not sure what any of this will mean. He can’t show how much this affects him because soothing Regulus is an instinct that kicks in. An instinct he somehow let himself forget.
He looks at Regulus and Regulus looks at his big brother. For the first time in years, Sirius sees that Regulus doesn’t hate him. He doesn’t look at him like he wants to erase Sirius from ever existing. He doesn’t look at him as if Sirius is the worst thing to ever happen to him. No, he looks at Sirius like he tucked Regulus in and told him his favorite story just last night.
For the first time in years, his brother has trust in his eyes when he looks at him. And more. Something like love. Something like familiarity. Sirius forgot they haven’t always been strangers. Once upon a time he knew Regulus’ lullabies by heart because he sang them every night. Once upon a time he watched Regulus breathe in his sleep. Once upon a time Regulus had a crib and Sirius was there the whole day swinging, swinging… Watching over him. He used to drag their nanny of the time in the room and swear he saw the baby’s hair grow a little. How he loved it when Regulus grew his hair to match Sirius’. Walburga made him keep his hair so short lately, didn’t she?
“Hogwarts?” Regulus asks in a little voice. He doesn’t understand. Sirius can’t blame him. “We?”
“Yeah,” Sirius laughs a little because wasn’t that all they ever wanted once? Being at Hogwarts together? Being away from home. So much for a dream coming true. It costed them each other. “Yeah, we are. Now show me your hands.”
Regulus takes his palms off from Sirius’ shoulders and holds them up for Sirius to see. He can’t look at them himself. He squeezes his eyes shut with fear and his chin wobbles like he is about to burst out crying again.
Oh baby.
Oh sweet boy.
He must’ve held his hands up against the cauldron. Sirius supposes the potion exploded the second it contacted with Regulus’ skin. He didn’t have any more burnt places on his body. One moment of contact and it went off. Merlin, it took him back. Back when he didn’t hate Sirius yet. Back where Sirius hasn’t left him behind yet.
“Alright, I’ll take you to a very nice woman now. Her name is Poppy. She knows how to heal people’s wounds. She will help us, okay Reg?” Sirius speaks softly as not to stress him more than he already is. He takes Regulus’ palms into his own hands and kisses both of them very carefully. He tries so hard to be gentle. He doesn’t think so much on it while he does it. It’s just something that feels right to do in that moment. He refuses to be held responsible for his actions in the aftermaths of this event because realistically, Sirius is barely stopping himself from running laps in the room crying.
“She will?” Regulus asks but Sirius can see he’s already convinced.
“Yes, I promise.”
“And she won’t tell maman?”
“No, she will never.”
“Will it hurt?”
“No, I won’t let it. It won’t hurt.” Sirius shakes his head determinately. His heart gives a sharp pound when he remembers how Regulus’ hands got hurt in the first place. Regulus just nods and sniffs again, fully trusting Sirius for his simplest words. How the hell did I lose that?
“Sirius?” He says it in French.
“Dis-moi, mon lion.” Sirius’ eyes tear up at the nickname. He didn’t mean to say it. Old habits die hard and come back easy and all that stuff. He isn’t sure if he’s been breathing the goddamn potion in as well. Or seeing the one face he will never forget— one face that will never stop making him feel ashamed when he thinks of it, is too much for his heart. It’s brought along nicknames from a long-lost childhood.
“Qui sont ces gens?” Regulus blushes a little because he isn’t sure if the people he was talking about spoke French or not.
“Mes amis,” Sirius smiles a bit. He spares a glance at his friends, still as shocked as the last time. He encourages Regulus to turn around and look at them. “Allez, regarde.”
Regulus turns around, a little shy. He is still pressed onto Sirius and he keeps holding his hands. Sirius takes the step that he believes will help fix everything and calls for James’ help. “That’s James. James Potter.” This is James. James Potter. I told you about him Reggie, remember?
“Hey. Hi,” James makes the quickest recovery known to mankind and gets down on one knee in front of Regulus. He doesn’t come too close to them yet. Probably a good call. “Nice to meet you Regulus. I’m your brother’s friend.” It’s good to meet you Regulus! Come sit with us!
“Good friend?”
“Definitely good friend.” James smiles.
Regulus regards him for a moment. “His best friend?”
Sirius is about to answer this himself when James’ soft laugh cuts him off. “No. No, that’s you. I’m the second best. I was thinking maybe we could be friends? Would you like that?” He holds out his palm for Regulus.
Regulus hesitates for a second but then, to Sirius’ surprise, puts his left hand in James’ palm while he keeps holding on to Sirius with his right one. Regulus turns his head towards Sirius’ ear to whisper something but he is still too loud for James to not hear. “Is he nice?”
Sirius can see James smirking at the corner of his eyes. He whispers back. “He is very nice.”
Regulus looks back at James and gives him a shy smile. “Did I ever see you before?”
“You think you saw me before? Am I as handsome as you remember?” James starts grinning.
“James.” Sirius closes his eyes in disbelief.
“I think I saw your eyes,” Regulus cuts in, too eager. He’s even smiling a bit now.
“My eyes?” James asks, very intrigued. “Do you mean my glasses?”
“No, I know what I mean.” Regulus insists and it almost makes Sirius laugh. “Your eyes are very small when you smile. I saw it before. Did you ever come to visit?”
James looks taken a back and Sirius isn’t sure what is the exact lines and rules of this disaster here. Which gets him more and more anxious by the second. He is very in the dark about the state of Regulus’ mind. He acts like a small child but Sirius doesn’t understand why he isn’t worried about the fact that his brother, who he seems comfortable with, is twice the size of him at the moment. Or how he seems to remember details from James’ face and how he uncharacteristically found a quick trust in him. That last one is what’s most worrying. Seriously, you wouldn’t need to have a full on conversation with Regulus to confirm he outwardly dislikes their group of friends. But he always seemed the least tolerant towards James Potter. Sirius used to think it was because Regulus got jealous over him. It’s been a while since Sirius stopped and thought about his brother thoroughly.
He turns his eyes to Remus. He is still watching them all from a safe distance. Maybe still trying to get used to it. Or maybe because he guesses Regulus, who is a people repellent at sixteen, was not any better as a toddler. It’s not long before Remus looks back. They lock eyes and he immediately gets what Sirius needs. Remus gives him a long blink first, which means relax a little, because he will handle it from here. Sirius feels warmth spread along his insides.
“We have to leave,” Remus states. “Someone is bound to be here soon. I give it zero possibility that nobody has heard the explosion. Madame Pomfrey, hopefully, will know what to do. We better be on our way to the hospital wing before anyone walks through that door. If not a professor, then Lily.”
“What about me?” A familiar voice chimes and Sirius internally swears at them for not hearing the door open. “What the fuck happened here?!”