Sons All Grown Up
Well at least it’s nearly the same thing as telling a trusted adult, Sirius thinks to himself as Lily storms into the destroyed potions classroom.
“Lily calm down!” James holds up a hand to settle her, but his efforts go unnoticed because there’s no way she sees that through all the mess in the room. James is still knelt down on the floor.
“How do you do this every time? You dickheads, I cannot believe any of you! I’m on patrol for the classroom, Slughorn will banish me from Hogwarts when he sees this. Oh but it’s surely my fault for trusting you after so many times! When will you start being just the tiny bit responsible?” Lily carries on as she approaches them from the door.
“Lils could you bring it down just for a second. It’s… complicated.” Remus tries.
“Honestly, all four of you Remus! Is anyone hurt? What happene-“ She comes to a quick and well-deserved halt when she sees the small child standing between James and Sirius. Regulus tries shielding himself from the new girl who walked in with a very red hair and a very red attitude. This time he’s also holding on to James’ hand. Trust James Potter to charm the potion-time-travel child with flashing smiles. Sirius wants to say he can’t believe it, but really, he can.
Lily stays in utter silence and takes a moment. Which is fair so they all wait for her to react without saying anything. “Who is that?”
Well. “Well,” Sirius looks at James and starts the spiral of the four of them staring at each other without making a single explanation.
James tries. “So Lily…” But that’s it.
“Is she your friend too?” Regulus breaks the silence when he leans into Sirius’ space and asks. He’s comfortable enough to not whisper anymore.
“Yes Reg, she is. You don’t need to worry about anybody here. We are okay unless I tell you otherwise.” Sirius gets it. The absolute terror of new people in sight. Not knowing where they stand. Are they family or not? If they are in fact family, are they close or heartless enough to be hurting you if they want to? Should you protect yourself or let them do whatever they want if they try to do so? Do you need to shake their hand or shut the fuck up the entire evening? These are all the things you start learning as soon as you take your first steps at the Black Mannor. That’s how old you need to be.
“How did we get here Sirius?” Regulus asks in a tentative voice. He finally seems to notice the gaps in the story. He has a small frown on his face and Sirius knows he’s trying to remain calm and collected. Not freak out. Or demand an explanation. Which is what any child would do if they found themselves in a strange place with no memory of getting there, but not them. It’s what they were always told, whatever happens, you are not allowed to freak out. It may be too many rules to remember for a child, but they were never just children, not once in their lives. They were Blacks. Glorious sons of Orion and Walburga. They were made of light. Dites-moi, mes bébés, où emmènerez-vous maman quand vous serez grands?
Regulus always answered sea-side. Because that’s what he heard in Walburga’s stories from when she was a little girl. Peaceful wizarding town in the south of France, near the beach. Later, her father decided to move to England when children were old enough for Hogwarts. She always told hem how happy she had been there. It was nauseating to think about those days of her, three of them in her bedrooms, Walburga has each of them at one side, they lay on her soft chest. She played with their fingers. Tickled Reggie’s neck until his giggles made all of them laugh. Sometimes braided Sirius’s hair, it had just gotten long enough. It was so odd, so horrifying, when your mother looked like that some evenings but would wake you up screaming the morning after. How did she stomach breaking the same hands she kissed in front of the fire place an hour ago? Sirius’ friends surely assumed it was all bad. All darkness and evil and days full of horror. That’s not how you keep your rebellious son home until he is fifteen. There were moments where she was just like a mother. Sometimes her love warmed them up, instead of burning.
Sirius sometimes shamefully looks past his hatred, and wishes she’d gotten the help she needed. Before she ever became a mother. She could have had them so good. Should have had them so good. She was ill. Sirius knew. But her discourage for treatment forced him to let his mother go.
There you go, you psychopath. Your sons all grown up. “I’ll explain to you later.” Regulus quietly agrees.
“Why are you calling him Reg? Sirius?” Lily asks with wide eyes. She takes a look around them and eventually notices the burnt cauldron laying on the floor. So many broken pieces around to prove an accident happened. Lily turns to the little boy and looks at his comically oversized clothes and that’s plenty more answers than she needs. “Oh, what have you done.” But it’s not a question.
“Some potion he was making exploded.” Peter shrugs and points at the cauldron. He looks worriedly at Regulus to see if what he said freaked him out. But Regulus seems settled for the moment.
“Potions don’t just explode. Something has to go wrong. And for all I know, Black is an excellent potion’s maker.” Lily rises an eyebrow that very much states she is blaming them. “Tell me what happened exactly and we’ll try be to fix this. I can’t believe the Slytherin prefect I have rounds with tonight is currently a toddler.”
Peter lowered his voice and turned to Lily. “Sweetheart, we are trying not to scare him off so if you could lay off on details-”
“Just can we—“ Sirius interjects, because Regulus’ hands have been shaking from pain for the last few minutes and he won’t be thinking clearly before his brother’s pain is tended. “Can we talk about this in the hospital wing please? His hands are really hurt.”
“It’s okay Sirius, I don’t have to!” Regulus frets to his brother with big eyes and a voice he tries to keep low. Because he thinks Sirius will get in trouble. He thinks people will be mad at Sirius for asking to get medical help. And he feels guilty that he will be the reason. Sirius can’t call it unreasonable. Can’t tell you they never got in trouble before because they asked for help. Like a relative to use their wand to blend their bones. Vous avez demandé à votre maman, les garçons?
That’s all Regulus remembers because he is back there. Back where something like that happened just yesterday. Sirius suddenly thinks maybe he never got out. Maybe he still frets when asking for something because it never got better for him the way it got better for Sirius. Maybe he keeps shaking his head and says “I don’t have to!” still at sixteen. He wouldn’t know. Sirius wouldn’t know. He wasn’t there. He left.
“But I think I hurt my head love, you see?” James gathers Regulus’ attention on himself and shows him the cut on his forehead. “It hurts a bit. Poppy can heal it and you can come with me, okay? So in the meantime she can heal your hands too. How’s that?”
Regulus hesitates. And thank Merlin for James Potter because he puts on his soft smile, that’s always put Sirius at ease when he was doubting himself. This time the receiving end is his baby brother. Sirius stupidly thinks maybe they can keep him this way forever and regrow him free of anything he had to endure. A do over.
“Moony here hurt his hip and he needs to go as well. And Wormtail just told me his tummy hurt a little after eating so much at the supper, silly him. What do you say? Will you come with us so we don’t have to go alone?”
Regulus bites his lip worriedly and ends up turning his head up towards Lily. “Is that okay for you, Miss?” He asks very softly and very respectfully. Regulus fixes his pronunciation and speaks English perfectly when talking to someone in charge. Even though Sirius knows it feels unnatural to him because their mother tongue is French.
It’s what they’ve heard first. Regulus started speaking around two, just as Sirius did. When Regulus was around four and Sirius had just turned five, they met some of their cousins for the first time at a family gathering. They spoke English, but Sirius and Regulus didn’t understand a word of it, which made the others upset. Or maybe they just found it amusing.
Their mother had found them bleeding and she switched to English the next day. Never responded to them when they spoke French. Orion did not care and did as his wife told him. Regulus cried once because it stressed him out so much and he couldn’t keep up with Walburga’s words. She hurt him really bad. Sirius was locked away but could hear Regulus crying. After that, it took Regulus mere weeks to start speaking fluently in English. Sirius kept singing his French lullabies. But they weren’t allowed to converse in their mother tongue except for occasional lessons, because it made their accents sloppy. Sirius didn’t realize his French was still there until today. Il y a longtemps que je t’aime, jamais je ne t’oublierai!
Mais no, tu sais pas chanter!
Ah bon? Bah dis à Kreacher de chanter, alors!
Sirius kept remembering their conversations, like little flashes of life, the more he stared at Regulus’ young face. These memories never did feel as sunny and light as he remembered them now. Because even then, they had so much to be unhappy about. Although, he never thought laughing with his brother would ever come to an end. It never stoke him as anything much. Anything cherishable. Didn’t shine as bright.
“Miss?” Regulus repeats himself a little less confidently when Lily doesn’t respond. Lily turns to Regulus and seems to realize he’s been talking to her. She falters a bit before answering.
“You- You don’t have to ask for my permission. I’m only your brother’s friend—“ Lily looks like she’s seeing the actual situation for the first time. How delicate it all is. She slowly bends down on her knees next to James and smiles gently at Regulus. It’s a warm, spring like smile. The one girls are somehow capable of pulling out of their pockets. And Sirius is honestly surprised. Because he would understand if no one cared about what happened to Regulus except himself.
This? Doing this was his eternal duty. Being Regulus’ older brother. Often times he let himself snap out of it. Let himself hate Regulus more than he needed to. Let himself forget. Time rewinded. At the moment, Sirius knows nothing but this. He remembers nothing of their fight before the cauldron fell. Nothing of what got him so angry. He, once again, has one worry in the world and that is this boy. He let himself slip one time. One time and it was all gone.
“Come Regulus, let’s get you out of here, yeah? It’s really dusty, it’s not good for you.” But Lily Evans did not owe Regulus Black a single thing. “I’m sorry I was a bit loud when I first came in, darling. I was worried about you boys.”
Sirius knew they had to be interacting for prefect duty. Regulus never outwardly did what most of the Slytherins did. Never threw slurs at people. He was never cruel to someone specifically because he disliked the way they were born. He was standardly mean to anyone who pressed on his nerves. Like a fucking diplomat, of course.
However he never disagreed with his friends either. Never batted an eye when they cornered a thirteen year old. Never said a word. Sirius knew and agreed it was just as bad.
Lily, on the other hand, has always been fair when talking about Regulus. “Black is smart.”, “Black could do good in academy if he got into it.”, “Black is capable of intelligent conversation when he’s eager enough, at least I don’t get bored on patrols.” But sympathy? Not even Sirius had sympathy left for the person his brother grew into. He never thought about how his friends viewed him. Not like he used to, anyway. When Regulus started Hogwarts, he wanted nothing more than for all of them to be together. Maybe it was foolish, but he kept hoping until Regulus was sorted into Slytherin. At that point, he didn’t really try to salvage Regulus’ image to his friends. He didn’t care, to be honest. He didn’t mind. Because it didn’t concern him.
“Prongs do you have the cloak?” Sirius asks while picking Regulus up in his arms. Regulus wraps his little legs around his waist and puts his arms on Sirius’ shoulders, careful not to touch his hands anywhere. He should weight a lot more, Sirius thinks, he can’t help himself.
James takes the cloak out from his robes. “Evans, was the hall crowded?”
“No it’s ten more minutes till the break, give or take. We should make it on time before they’re out. But it’s better if you use the cloak just in case.” Lily helps them get under the cloak after assuring Regulus that it’s completely safe and she’ll tell him what it is later.
Watching James and Lily interact with a small child makes something inside Sirius ache gently. The way they reassure Regulus, teasing each other to make him laugh, the way Lily brushes the hair out of his face, or the way James pats his shoulder— it shakes him. Sirius feels like he’s staring at something secret, maybe even out of reach, visible if you squint a little, very quiet. James spent years pining after Lily but Sirius has never felt like they could work until now. Eventually James grew out of his obsession, and they became good friends, which, Sirius is grateful for honestly. It was exhausting to watch. But seeing them under this light— It’s not very hard on the eyes. The two of them with a toddler, a boy even.
Sirius snaps out of it. Both of them are just really good with children. They have to be the most loved Head Girl and Head Boy in the century. Sirius never anticipated Regulus would’ve been one of those kids. Really though, Sirius thought the same about himself. Why would people like James and Lily, and Remus, and Peter, and all their other friends care about someone like him? Because often times, he thought himself broken beyond repair to be loved by actual good people. Thinking that about himself, was thousand times less heartbreaking than realizing he thought the same about Regulus.
“To be very clear,” Lily demands all their attention before they are out the door. “I absolutely think we should let one of the professors know and we absolutely will. We’re just solving our crisis one step at a time. It’s not a prank, or a project— This is way bigger than us, you can’t handle it with some hard work and some dumb luck. We need help. Don’t you idiots— except for Regulus of course, try forgetting that. Are we clear?”
James looks like he is about to object, Peter whines a little to disagree and Sirius is already pouting under the cloak. But then Remus Lupin steps next to Lily Evans with an equally stern and determined expression on his face. So the decision is made and this has never been a democracy.
They are out of the classroom and on their way to the hospital wing when one Evan Rosier appears at the start of the empty corridor. Sirius feels the shriek of joy Regulus is about to let out. He puts a hand on Regulus’ mouth to silence him. “Reg you can’t. He can’t see us right now, do you understand? You have to listen to me.”
All his friends who are walking in front of them seem to get nervous by the second. James does that ridiculous thing he does with his hair when he is stressed. He looks like an idiot. Sirius sees Remus holding up a hand hidden behind Peter’s back, like signaling Sirius to calm the fuck down. Lily looks the most normal out of all of them, not even wavering.
Evan notices them too, of course. For a moment, he looks like he is searching around with his eyes and he frowns. Sirius wonders if it’s because he’s not there, in his usual crowd, but he doubts Evan Rosier would care that much about him. Their hopes that Rosier would just walk past them seem to die when he starts walking directly towards them, obviously to talk. Regulus is giddy in Sirius’ arms. Sirius hates this friendship. How codependent you need to be that you’re not able walk past your best friend without talking? Honestly, kids these days.
“It’s Evan!”
“Regulus hush!” Sirius whispers back nervously and puts his hand back on Regulus’ mouth.
The group stops walking when Evan is right in front of them. There is some intense staring. Sirius is very glad he isn’t a part of it. “Hi,” Evan decides on finally.
And that makes it awkward. Where’s the excitement? Call me a fucker so we can keep this on.
“Hey.” James waves after a moment. He waves, for Merlin’s sake. Sirius will piss himself trying not to cackle, the sight of James trying to hide something is too amusing. Rosier looks disgusted. He takes another moment in silence.
“Was there something you wanted to say?” Lily offers flatly.
“Yes, uh.” Rosier turns to her. Sirius can see James getting a little more careful. Rosier is not exactly known for being cruel towards muggleborns either, but it’s never compliments and flowers from a Slytherin. “Regulus is not feeling well. He might miss his round tonight. He wanted me to tell you that if I were to see you.”
Well that’s. News. “Oh,” Lily miraculously manages to keep her voice in line. “Well that’s okay. I’ll cover for him.”
“Right.” Evan puts his hands in his pockets and lingers for a minute longer. He looks like something is bugging him. Like he wants to ask something else. They never do this normally, it’s an insane event on both sides. “Well then. I should go.”
“Sure bud.” James keeps embarrassing himself.
Evan shoots him another questioning look but seems to decide on just leaving. He turns on his heels to take his steps. Sirius, the fool that he is, makes the mistake of trusting what a Slytherin does and takes his hand off of Regulus’ mouth. That’s when Evan turns back to them like a last minute decision.
“Where’s Black?” He asks. He sounds like he’s trying to come off as casual. He doesn’t.
“Sirius in also not feeling well.” Remus answers. Sirius imagines he has this undoing look in his eyes that Sirius himself knows too well. He would hate to be Evan right now. When he thinks about that again he finds he has a love-hate relationship with that scenario. Anyway, Remus looks like he’s tearing Rosier open. So beautifully.
“Really?” Evan exclaims. He’s wearing a mocking surprised expression.
“Yes.” Remus does not falter when he crosses his arms over his chest and stands taller. It’s another moment of intense staring and Regulus, under the cloak, is bending forward with purpose, he’s about parallel to the ground right now. Sirius is sweating, trying to hold him up and check if the cloak left their asses out in the open at the same time.
“Fuck this. Do you know where Regulus is?” Evan apparently stops beating around the bush.
That does it.
Regulus gets his hands free from Sirius’ hold and uses them to pull at the cloak. The movement not surprisingly alarms Evan instantly. He frowns right at them like he’s trying to make sense of what’s happening. Sirius is trying to keep a five year old who moves like a pot-smoked goblin from throwing their only cover off of them, while also trying to stop him from making any sound. He does a poor job.
“Stop!”
“Let me go Sirius! It’s— Let go!” James steps in from of them without turning around but Evan isn’t buying it.
“What the fuck is that?!”
“Nothing! What?” James answers before Evan can finish his question.
Rosier huffs out a breath. “Move, Potter!”
“I’m really sorry but I can’t do that. I—“ Sirius honestly would very much like to hear what James was about to come up with. Sadly he cannot because in that exact moment, Regulus finally manages to send the cloak flying to the floor.
Evan’s face is a view to be seen.
“It’s Evan!” Regulus is mesmerized by this fact it’s not even funny. “Sirius!”
“Yes, Reg. Thank you. We are all seeing that. Hi Evan.” Sirius gives up. He focuses on readjusting his grip on Regulus, but the kid won’t stop reaching forward towards Evan.
“Sirius,” Lily slaps a hand to her forehead.
“It’s not my fault!” He absolutely won’t be blamed by this extremely unlucky incident.
“You had one job.” Remus isn’t even surprised.
“He is five!” Sirius hops Regulus on his hip and sends death stares around, “I think! He isn’t shushing when I shush him! And considering the fact that we didn’t really explain why we had a cloth covering the two of us to him, I was as convincing as I could be!”
“Sirius put me down! It’s Evan!” Regulus keeps trying to get down from Sirius’ arms. Sirius hates this because he is using his hands to push himself even though it surely must be still hurting.
“What the fuck is going on?” Evan looks like he’s deciding between screaming and throwing shit around. Sirius is familiar with his emotions.
“Language!” Sirius says, using one hand to cover Regulus’ ear and press him to his chest.
“Why does he look like that?!” Evan waves his hands around. Good. Sirius was tired of being the only person actually freaking out because Regulus fucking de-aged. Not just because of the potion accident. It doesn’t have the same effect on others, they didn’t know Regulus when he was this little. Maybe Rosier can stick around, if it’s going to make Sirius seem reasonable.
“There was a potion accident.” Lily takes the role of explaining. “I still don’t know the details either but he ended up… like this. Don’t use specific words yet because we don’t know how much of everything he is aware. Don’t confuse him. And…” She gestures to the two brothers with a sour face. “His hands are also burnt.”
Evan looks like he could cry. Sirius has never seen this boy looking that concerned. Not since their childhood. He takes a few steps towards Regulus and Sirius. This time James lets him. Evan’s expression is so soft that it catches Sirius off guard. “Regulus are you okay?” Evan reaches a hand to turn Regulus’ palm upwards.
“Evan you’re at Hogwarts too?” Regulus is smiling so big. “Is Dora here?”
“I,” Evan looks at him, out of words probably. He shakes his head to get a hold of himself before answering. He seems like he’s forcing a small smile. “Yes, of course she is. She was worried. We couldn’t find you.”
“Rosier.” Lily warns him about confusing Regulus. Sirius is really glad she is here.
“Right, sorry. I’m sorry. I—“ Evan looks around. He looks at Regulus. He looks lost. “I…”
Sirius, very suddenly, feels like Evan is also five years old. Like Evan is de-aging right in front of his eyes. They are not much apart on age, but Sirius always thought he was meant to look out for these children. The way Andromeda looked out for him. Evan didn’t have an older brother and he was their cousin. Sirius had to be there for him as well. He remembered actually liking that boy at some point. He was funny. He was charming and he seemed to care. More than many people around them. Sirius always thought that was his sister’s doing. Pandora was a gem. Sirius would’ve gone to war for Pandora. He doesn’t think she changed much since then. But they did. Sirius and the Rosier twins. That bond was… lost. Gone rusty along the way. It got old.
Sirius vaguely remembered figuring out how to do a simple cleaning charm. Not his first wandless magic, but he was still very young. Anytime one of them got their robes dirty, Sirius quickly charmed it away before their parents saw. It was a risky little game. Sirius can you help me too? Please, it’s just paint!
Okay Ev, I’ll handle it, just stay still.
“Evan,” Sirius calls because he can’t stand the expression on Rosier’s face. He’s afraid he’ll start cuddling him as well. Nostalgia has to be a joke. Evan looks up at him with nearly pleading eyes. Fuck. “I got it, okay? I’ll handle it. Come along if you want.”
Evan takes a shaky breath before nodding. He spares another glance at Regulus, who seems curious about what’s happening. He’s looking between Sirius and Evan. His little hand is hanging from Evan’s sleeve. “Are you going to the infirmary?”
“Yes and we need to hurry.” Lily answers.
“You go, I’ll get the others and meet you there.” Evan nods.
“Excuse me what? What others? What?” Sirius is flabbergasted. “Is this you telling a joke? Is that what you do? Do you tell jokes?”
“The girls are frantic, searching under every rock in Hogwarts. And Barty is convinced Mulciber and his dogs tied Regulus up and threw him somewhere, so he’s busy torturing them in the dungeons. No I’m not fucking joking, we were scared shitless and not without reason apparently! He was missing for hours! So excuse me for letting Regulus’ best friends, his real friends, know that he just bloody time traveled! Who do you even think you are?!” Rosier gets more and more agitated per word and Sirius is far out of patience. He is about to headbutt Rosier when James plays peace-maker again.
“No, no you’re right! It’s fine Sirius, he has a point. Just get them without making a fuss and we’ll meet there. This is too urgent guys, you can’t fight over it.” James tries putting a hand on Rosier’s shoulder. Which immediately gets tossed off and Rosier takes off half running.
“Evan don’t go!” Regulus shouts after him.
“Shh, Reg! It’s fine, he’ll be back. We need to stay quiet.” Sirius decides to screw the cloak and he just stars walking towards the infirmary. He vaguely thinks about how bringing in a de-aged student with burnt hands will look to Madame Pomfrey. Or what is sure to come down once McGonagall finds out about everything. He decides he’ll deal with it as they go.