Where Are You Now?

As usual, just like the past six months, today felt the same. Your father was still there. Standing outside in the rain, unwavering, persistent—as if his sheer presence could summon you back. I don’t know why, but I can see the weight of losing you in his eyes. Not that I pity him.

Once, I asked Auntie if we could move elsewhere, just to avoid him lingering outside our home, watching, waiting. But she brushed it off with a knowing look, saying, “He’ll find us again anyway.” Perhaps she understood something I refused to say out loud—that I am waiting too. But not for him. For you.

Then as usual, I return to my routine. Stand before the mirror. Trace my fingers over the scars you left behind__ just as usual~

I’m marked by you and not once but twice! How do I know? Well auntie told me that you and your father both came out of the operating room together that night, the night I was stabbed by Beomsu. So, I figured it was you who stitched me back together. You could never let your father touch me!

Yet, between the two, my favorite scar is the one on my belly. It’s visible—like a tattoo, a permanent reminder that I was touched by you, saved by you. And the thought alone sends something twisting in my stomach, curling into my heart like a phantom embrace. A shiver runs down my spine.

Sliding all of your thoughts into one side, I went to my table. It’s the last day before the CSAT.

I’m really hopeful and I can do it as my mind is even clearer than before. Concentrating is much easier now. But as I don’t rely on drugs anymore, I feel a little sleepy. But it’s not that bad…actually it’s much better. Maybe that’s why my mind feels lighter than ever. Yet if I have to say why it’s a little problematic, it’s because.. you know the dreams! … where you always leave me. Just like that I was busy studying and I don’t know when I dozed off.

Once again, you’re here. You found me; the me who was lost thirteen years ago; the me who was a child disguise as a lost princess. Then you take my small hand into your hold and finally the kid let go of that cursed princess clothing on the beach water and starts walking with you. And as time folds upon itself, I grow older—through childhood, through adolescence—but you remain unchanged. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Constant, Jaeyi. My hand is still in yours Yet, just as I reach adulthood, you let go. The warmth of your grip vanishes, leaving me lost, unmoored, drowning in a darkening evening sky.

I wake with a sharp gasp, the echo of your absence crushing my chest. Void in my heart remains same even after all these months.

But before I can drown into that void, a calling bell snaps me out of the suffocation today.

I know the feeling of drowning and the relief you feel when you’re saved from the suffocation under water. The bell sound sent me the same sensation I felt back then at the pool. And the one who saved me that time was you. Which means it has to be you this time too. It has to be. So, I don’t waste the time and run to the door.

As I reach the door knob and open it, I found no one but a gift box of silver spring color wrapped in an imperial blue colored ribbon. I freeze. My heart stutters. My breath catches as I open the box. The box contained a pair of shoes and a envelop.

I know only one person in this world shared a history of shoes with me. And that special keychain in the envelop, the only person I ever gave something as keepsake. It has to be her ~ my heart and brain never harmonized together that fast as I run to the gate to find you. **panting** looking around left to right as the soft snow are falling, I should be feeling cold. But my heart swelling with the warmth that you are here on the same earth as me. But where are you? Have you left already? To get the hold on your trace I opened the envelop once again and here I am maybe currently with the widest smile in my face holding onto the trace of you.

I felt like jumping like a child but contained my emotion and returned my room with the box. I know i’m still grinning while my upper teeth grinding with my lower teeth. My hand is shaking out of excitement. I took out the picture out again took a snap with my phone just to search the place. IGARI-DAT OBSERVETORY ~ BORITDOL BRIDGE, POHANG (GYEONGSANGBUK-DO).

But what decision do you want me to make Jaeyi-yah? Once you said gifting shoes make people run away from the giver and now here you are gifting me a pair of shoes! What decision do you want me to take? To turn around from you and finally let you go? Or an obvious mockery to that superstition knowing full well that I will only ever walk towards you while wearing them? And why did you return the keychain? Is that your way to return me what belongs to me? Wishing me good-luck? Or you don’t wanna keep any string attachment between us anymore? No. That can’t be it. Because then you wouldn’t have sent me your trace! You cannot just assume me sitting here and not going after you. It cannot be me sitting here just being happy cause you’re alive. You know that’s not what I am. So, fine. For now, I’ll do what you want. I will take the CSAT tomorrow. I will sit in that exam hall and write my future onto those papers. But the second I step out of that room—you can’t expect me to stay still, Yoo Jaeyi.

My waiting ends here.

Now, it’s your turn to wait for me.