On The Way
Controlling my inner emotion to some point where I can breathe steadily once again, I grip the key-chain once again and without waiting further I tuck it in my pencil case. Finally, the shoes. I lift them from their elegant box, staring at them for a long moment before slipping them on. They fit. Perfectly. As if you measured every inch of me from memory alone. A faint smile ghosts my lips. You expect me to walk in these, don’t you, Jaeyi-yah? And I will. But not away from you. But where do I hide the box? I don’t want the world to know you’re still here until I get to see you again and hear your voice; it’s like I don’t wanna share your existence to this world and keep you to only in my arms; it’s like they’ll snatch you away from me. I try to concentrate on the last moment preparation once again as I wait for auntie to return. In my head things never felt so light, fresh when I’m having such a heavy adrenal rush.
Half an hour later auntie return from her work and I don’t wait anymore to stand before her. Seeing suddenly welcoming her with such energy she might felt surprised, but tried to hide it and asked me instead if my preparation was done or not. I reply her with a nod preparing my words. She takes a longer look at me as she was tidying up her belongs. Maybe my beaming face already gave her idea that I’m gonna ask for something cause she didn’t hesitate to ask me if I need something next. I took the courage and ask her, “you see, after the exam ends tomorrow, I’m planning to visit Pohang. Can you allow me some allowance?” I didn’t hesitate asking for money the very first time in my life, nor I’m guilty. She takes a moment of pause in whatever she was doing then she turned her head towards me, with a smile she asks me instead, “Can you go alone? Or should I tag with you?” and I overjoyed stupid answer “I want to go alone.”
She gives a soft chuckle as she enters her room, moments later she hands me some bills and ask me, “are you planning for a long tour? If yes, then I’ll just transfer the rest in your Naverpay. And if you have estimation, you can tell me the amount too.”
“I .. I’m going to Pohang. And I don’t know how much time it’ll take, a week maybe” I answer as I meet her eyes, my desperation still lingering to my eyes I know that for sure.
And maybe that was enough as she gives a small nod and ask me to get ready for dinner.
After the dinner, I once again sit on the table for the one last revision for the night. I wasn’t distracted but I also can’t deny how I took a second here and there just to take a glance at those pair of shoes.
Deep in my brain or heart I was mumbling again and again, “wait for me Jaeyi-ya”
The next morning at 8:20, I’m standing before the gate of the exam hall. Before passing the gate, I take a moment of breath, how well your shoes wrapping around my feet. It’s sending me a sense of comfort that you’re here, right here with me. A sigh of comfort leaving my mouth as I take the step towards the exam hall.
I wanted to meet you right after my exam ends so I didn’t want to waste a minute after the exam and wanted to directly hop in the train. But a little bit excitement cause braincell loss, I guess.
Around 6pm, as I came out of the exam hall, I saw auntie standing there for me with her car. I thought she wanted to drop me to the station. But to my surprise, we are standing before our home once again. I breath out a sigh! “Auntie! I told you I’m planning to travel Pohang after the exam!”
“Seulgi, I can’t believe you! You really haven’t thought through anything? The next train from Seoul to Pohang is at 8:28pm. It will take you to like three hours to reach Pohang. And did you actually book any hotel yet?"
I’m left speechless. Actually, I was too excited about you and too busy with the exam, that I haven’t made any proper plan. My plan was simple. Just reach Pohang as soon as possible and find you.
Auntie was actually right but still I’m not willing to waste any time.
She takes a moment of break. “Let’s go home for now.”
Realizing there’s no room for argument I follow her steps. But as I close the door behind me, auntie starts again what she maybe couldn’t said in the car.
“Seulgi, you know that men always trying to follow you around. If you leave right after the exam ends, it would look too suspicious to anyone.”
And suddenly it hit me. The me who was looking at the floor from the car to the door, suddenly gets the courage to look at auntie in the eye. So that was the main reason why I’m currently not at the station but home.
A soft chuckle left aunties mouth as I stare at her.
“Let me know when you book a hotel. How about you take the train of 6:30am? I’ll drop you to the station. And bag some clothes for real. Are you planning to wander on the same clothes for a week?”
I just simply take it with a nod.
I’m not gonna have a proper sleep tonight. Yesterday I at least had the exam to focus on. But now it’s only you. Suddenly I feel the urge of crying as I toss left to right in the bed. Auntie was right about your father. He was standing once again in front of the house for two hours even today. I already packed a few pieces of clothes in my backpack. It wasn’t anything like the first day I came to Seoul but somehow, I’m being nostalgic. Did you saw me standing at the door of the auditorium that day? When you were giving your speech to the whole school? Though I have met you before. And soon my eyelid starts to feel heavy…maybe I’m a little sleepy so I set the alarm at 5am. I sleep a little better when I’m thinking about you.
The next morning, me and auntie at the station, waiting for the next train to arrive. It’ll arrive in 12 minutes. It is the fastest train in Seoul to Pohang route. I hope that makes me a little less anxious on the way.
The train arrives at time and I enter the train as I wave back at auntie. I take a seat around more empty space. Headphones are plugged in my ear, a single song in loop as the train starts
holro beoryeojin gil wieseo (On a lonely, abandoned road)
gyeondil ssu eopssi ulgo sipeun iyureul (The reason why I want to cry unbearably)
nado molrae saranghaneun kkadalgeul (The reason why I love you too secretly)
geu nugudo naege ilreojuji ananne (No one told me)
wae sarangeun ireoke duryeounji (Why is love so scary?)
geureonde wae haneureun malkko nopeunji (But why is the sky so clear and high?)
wae harudo geudael ijeul ssu omneungeonji (Why can't I forget you even for a day?)
geu nugudo naege ilreojuji ananne (No one told me)
jogeum deo gakkai dagagalkka (Should I come a little closer?)
geunyang tto ireoke gidarine (I'm just waiting like this again)
wae hapil geudaereul mannangeolkka (Why did I have to meet you?)
ijeneun naneun tto eodireul bomyeonseo gayahalkka (Now where should I look again and go?)
- Lucid Fall [no One Told Me]