Losing Herself
Sapphire has been a part of Garnet for so long that when she wakes up in that cell on Jasper and Peridot’s ship, and sees slender hands gloved in white when she looks down, she nearly screams.
When she realizes that Ruby is not with her, she nearly cries.
After millennia of being a part of something that’s bigger than herself, of someone who needs her in order to exist, the loneliness that threatens to overwhelm her is acute. There is a yawning emptiness in her right palm where Ruby’s gem is supposed to be.
The last time they unfused was well over a thousand years ago, their longest stretch yet. Sapphire knows that having her gem anywhere but on her center line is a bad thing, but she has never really felt skewed to the side—asymmetrical—until now.
She doesn’t press her gem into her empty palm and sing as loudly as she can just to let Ruby know she is okay, if she is within earshot. It isn’t just to give Steven, Pearl and/or Amethyst something to track, either, though both of those things are part of it. No, Sapphire sings because this is the only way that she knows how to keep from—to use a popular human colloquialism—utterly losing her shit.
Waking up alone in a cell guarded by a sheet of electric yellow agony inspires a tsunami of unchecked emotion the likes of which Ruby can’t remember experiencing in a very, very long time.
She knows can’t break out of the cell. Garnet could probably have forced her way through the sheet metal, but Ruby sure as hell can’t.
She’s all alone.
Sapphire’s alone.
Sapphire’s all alone, and Ruby can’t get out of this tiny damned box. What if Sapphire starts having a vision and Jasper finds her, mentally light years away, completely defenseless?
Sapphire. Sapphire. Sapphire.
Each reiteration of her name pulses in Ruby’s gem, in the hand that’s supposed to be holding Sapphire’s. Each second that ticks by is just another in which something bad could happen to the other half of her.
She needs to get out of here!
She doesn’t know how to get out of here. Not without hurting herself so badly that she’d be useless for everything that comes afterwards.
Ruby clutches at her head and groans. She kicks at the air. The pulsing of both gem and missing-gem continues. Stupid, useless, futile. What kind of partner is she, anyway? Sapphire’s on this ship, probably also in a cell like this, all alone, and here Ruby is, just sitting here.
She snarls at nothing in particular and presses her forehead into her kneecaps. Gotta calm down, gotta think of a way out of this. Think, think, think!
But she can’t. Ruby can’t think straight when she’s so full of rage and panic and worry that it’s a wonder she’s not literally catching fire from all of the metaphorical friction. It’s a vicious cycle. She makes herself mad because she can’t think, and then she can’t think because she’s so mad. Typically Sapphire is there to break the cycle, but without her Ruby is coiling herself up tighter and tighter, narrowing in on an inevitably disastrous snap.
Since when is she unable to function on her own? The last time they were separated wasn’t this bad. Ruby may not like to remember any time she and Sapphire aren’t fused these days, but she swears last time she wasn’t incapacitated like this.
To be fair, the last time they unfused hadn’t been due to a gem destabilizer literally ripping them apart in what was starting to taste like the beginnings of another war. That makes a pretty big difference, especially since Jasper clearly doesn’t have any regard for their lives.
That’s it, she vows. This is all Jasper and Homeworld’s fault! It always is. As soon as she gets out of this box and saves Sapphire, Jasper (the only one within reasonable punching distance) is going down.
The moment of purpose and clarity is great, but it doesn’t last. Ruby lets out a frustrated scream as she realizes she still doesn’t know how the hell to get out of here.
That’s when she sees something run by in her peripheral. Ruby looks up. Oh, it’s just Steven.
It’s Steven.
If she had a physical heart, it would have stopped beating right then and there. When she regains at least some control over herself, every expletive Ruby’s ever learned is running through her mind as she slams her fist into the stupid wall. “Oh great!” she shouts. “This is just perfect!”
There goes the surprise they were planning for his birthday. What else can go wrong?
Sapphire isn’t exactly proud to say that she forgets about any and everything else when Ruby spots her across the hall, but the truth is that she does.
“Ruby!”
In a blink they’re in each other’s arms. It’s not close enough, not by half, but Sapphire doesn’t feel like screaming anymore and that’s a marked improvement.
“Did they hurt you?” asks Ruby. It seems a silly thing to say, seeing as they probably wouldn’t be holding each other like this if something were wrong, but she’s cupping Sapphire’s face and peering at her with such sincere concern that technicalities don’t precisely matter anymore.
“No, no, I’m okay.” She also can’t help holding that broad, strong hand against her cheek, though. It’s not close enough, it’s not, but it’s sweet and good and right now she’s too relieved to be back together to complain. “Did they hurt you?”
“Who cares?” The tears that spring into Ruby’s eyes betray how miserable she’s been, even if she refuses to admit it, but this isn’t the time to chastise her for disregarding herself again.
“I do!” Overcome, Sapphire surges up and kisses the tears, saying without words that you matter, you are loved, I love you.
When Ruby grins, Sapphire knows that her partner hasn’t actually forgotten.
She can’t help laughing when Ruby picks her up and swings her around like she’s the younger one. Falling into each other’s warmth and light is so easy then. They don’t even need to dance, they just need to play and laugh and welcome each other with open… well, everything.
It should be scary, how effortless it is to lose herself in Ruby. Being Garnet is so all-consuming that most times she honestly forgets all about who Sapphire used to be. It should terrify her that she doesn’t mind, that she likes it, but creating this incredible person who can only come from them is so, so worth it.
Garnet is powerful and fearless, intelligent and patient, a home and a guardian wrapped up in one. She is Sapphire and Ruby, and yet Garnet possesses something that is fundamentally all her own. Being with her as she learns and grows is nothing short of a delight. Seeing this life through her eyes is beautiful. If Garnet needs her to sacrifice something in order to keep doing, and seeing, and evolving as a person, then Sapphire will happily give up any and everything. And if she loses her individual definition along the way, that’s alright, because she’s only doing it to be closer.
Sapphire doesn’t mind losing herself, as long as it’s with Ruby.