Your Strength

That night, they all met at the bar around seven. Jared was tackled by Chad, but he couldn’t help but notice Danny run to Jensen dramatically, hugging him to her for too long—Jensen’s mouth pulled down into the frown that Jared knew meant deep irritation. He’d had to identify it far too many times, having to live with grumpy morning-Jensen.

“Danny, I’m not dead,” Jensen told her, struggling in her grasp.

“We just haven’t seen you in weeks!” Danny told him, frowning.

“We’ve been working,” Jensen replied, looking at her darkly.

“Well…It’s just nice to see you is all,” Danny replied, grinning enthusiastically.

“Yeah, alright,” Jensen rolled his eyes, turning to bro-hug Chris across the bar.

“Hey, man,” he greeted, and thankfully Chris learned from Jensen’s reaction to Danny’s concern, and smiled instead of commenting.

“Hey, I didn’t realize how much of my income is due to your patronage, my friend,” Chris said. “You got to come around more often, or you’re going to put me out of business!”

“I’m a working man, now,” Jensen replied, a little less tensely. “I orchestrated this little get together though, so you’re welcome.”

“Kind man,” Chris smiled.

“Misha and Mark just walked in,” Jared stepped close to Jensen to murmur in his ear, unnecessary—the rest of the gang knew they had invited their new work friends—but Jared simply enjoyed being close to Jensen, especially in public. Jensen demanded a strictly professional persona in front of everyone at the set—for the most part, at least. He could stand for a hug here and there, and even a peck on the cheek if Jared and he had a particularly rousing morning. He was adorably affectionate most evenings when they got home, but since they had been working so profusely to finish the movie, Jared hadn’t had much time in public with him to exercise Jensen’s permission for PDA.

“Misha, Mark, over here,” Jensen called, turning towards the door where the two had just walked in, leaning against Jared a little in the process. Jared was pleased that Jensen seemed to relax against him, and kept their close proximity as Misha and Mark made their way over through the moderately crowded bar towards the group. When the two stopped in front of everyone, Jensen made the introductions.

“Mark, this place must seem pretty shabby from the luxurious living you’re used to,” Jensen joked.

“Did you just call my bar shabby?” Chris raised his eyebrows and Jensen laughed.

“Only in comparison,” Jensen winked.

“Any bar’s a good bar, Jensen,” Mark replied, chuckling. “It’s a fine establishment.”

“Everyone, this is Mark, and you’ve met Misha,” Jensen continued. “Mark, these are our friends: Chris, proprietor, Danny and Chad. Chad, you remember Misha, right?”

Jensen slapped a hand on Misha’s shoulder and maneuvered him closer to Chad, where they shook hands. Misha was casual, and cool while Chad, Jared noticed, was noticeably shaky. Jared shot a grin at Jensen, who winked in response and turned to Mark.

“Mark, you probably know that Danny and Gen are long time friends,” he began, unleashing Danny on Mark. He took a seat with that, allowing his job to be over. He gave a small smile to Chris, and said, “The usual, barkeep.”

“Oh, barkeep,” Chris rolled his eyes. “That’s original.”

“That’s me, all originality,” Jensen smiled. Jared sat next to him and rested a hand on his knee. Jensen glanced at him, smiling, and continued to talk with Chris, covering Jared’s hand with his own.
“How was your last show?” Jensen inquired. “I’m sorry we missed it.”

“Actually, we’re sorry you used it as an excuse to not help me move,” Jared corrected and laughed.

“How about we all agree on feeling guilty,” Chris chuckled. “How’d the move go, anyway?”

“Fine,” Jensen said, and little standoffish, and Chris seemed to back off, but Jared rubbed Jensen’s knee a few times before continuing the line of conversation.

“Great,” Jared confided. “Jensen was literally no help.”

Chris laughed. “I know what you mean! I helped him when he moved out here and it was the most one sided job I’d ever done!”

“What do you mean?” Jensen asked, seemingly affronted.

“Babe, you’re great and everything, but you’re very…precise,” Jared replied. “You packed up both our cars like you were playing a game of Tetris.”

“All neat and tidy,” Chris agreed. “Too neat and too tidy.”

“But…that’s the best way to get the most into the car,” Jensen seemed confused. “We fit all your stuff in the back of your car. My car was nearly unnecessary because of my game of Tetris.”

“Yes, but while you put everything into the car, I moved all the boxes down to it,” Jared replied.

Jensen thought back again and then frowned. “Oh my God. I’m a useless mover.”

“Yes, but that’s okay,” Jared replied. “It was a fascinating game of Tetris to watch.”

Jensen rolled his eyes, but leaned over and kissed Jared quickly—a shy, chaste peck. Jared felt like blushing for no reason.

“Don’t you have a thing about PDA?” Chris commented.

“Not for me,” Jared replied confidently, almost bragging.

Jensen rolled his eyes and knocked his shoulder against Jared’s. “Quiet, you giant.”

The night went by smoothly. Misha and Chad were hilariously involved in their own conversation for the majority of the time. Chris ended his shift half way through, handing it off to another bartender, and sat with the rest of the group along the bar. Jared noticed that he and Danny were almost as involved with each other as Misha and Chad. Jensen, Jared, and Mark talked mostly together, laughing about different stories, mostly of Mark’s time on the stage in London. Jared purposefully kept somehow in contact with Jensen throughout the night, relishing the feel of showing people that Jensen liked him more than anyone else, enough to let him be this close. Eventually, Mark began to yawn and excused himself to go home. Shortly after that, Misha left—and Chad a completely non-subtle amount of time after him. Danny and Chris turned their attention to Jared and Jensen, Jensen leaning a little tiredly on Jared where he sat slumped on the bar stool.

“We must be getting old,” Danny said sadly. “We used to be able to stay out to the break of dawn.”

“We’ve pulled all-nighter’s here before,” Chris agreed. “Drunk off our asses and planning to go to work anyway.”

“Sounds wild,” Jared laughed. “Incredibly irresponsible and wild.”

“Well, I’m a writer, so going to work for me means driving home and falling asleep on my couch,” Jensen replied. “They’re the wildly irresponsible ones.”

“Actually, I would go crash on my couch and open the bar a few hours later as well,” Chris corrected himself. “Owning a bar is probably one of the only times when being drunk on the job isn’t necessarily frowned upon, and being hung over is expected.”

“Yes, I was the only wildly irresponsible one,” Danny laughed. “Having to go to the art gallery and talk in soft tones about color quality and different artists. Being drunk actually made me sound better at my job. Patrons love when you seem irritated when explaining art—makes the art seem more artistic if the meaning is something pompous, but everyone pretends it is common knowledge.”
“And Chad,” Jensen added. “Though, we already knew he was wildly irresponsible.”

“Always has been, always will,” Jared said. “Once, when we were ten, he accidentally set his microwave on fire and somehow convinced his father that it was a malfunction. His father nearly sued the manufacturer before Chad finally owned up to it.”

Jensen chuckled. “I’m so glad you’re around to tell us all these great Chad stories.”

“Oh, is that the only reason?” Jared joked.

“No,” Jensen murmured, leaning in to kiss him softly for a long moment before pulling away and standing. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to use the head.”

“This is not a ship,” Chris admonished. “This is a bar.”

“Astounding observer of detail, you are,” Jensen rolled his eyes at Chris as he walked away.

“Tell us more Chad stories, Jared,” Danny demanded. “We’ll need them so we can all slowly convince him we’ve known him all his life but he simply cannot remember because he was in an accident.”

“That seems rather elaborate,” Jared laughed. “I’m in. What kind of story do you want to know?”

“Give me something simple,” Danny requested. “A good childhood memory?”

“Sure,” Jared agreed, pausing to think for a long moment before starting. “Alright, well, when we were ten—funny enough, shortly after the whole microwave thing—we went fishing by ourselves for the first time. We didn’t really know what we were doing, we just brought fishing poles, no bait or anything. So, we sat out there for the whole day, just waiting for something to bite our lines. Well, about an hour after the sun set, something caught on Chad’s line. And he was so happy that he’d caught something that he reeled it in and didn’t notice that it didn’t seem to be fighting. Finally, he pulls it up—and it’s a huge pair of underwear. Like this big—“ he gestured with his hands, throwing them apart grandiosely. At that moment, Jensen stepped out from behind him, where he was returning from the restroom. Jared’s hand just barely missed Jensen’s face, and only because Jensen violently flinched away from it. Jared felt his heart constrict.

“Oh, no, I’m so sorry,” Jared immediately blurted. “Oh no…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I’d never hit you!”

Jensen stepped back slowly, looking first confused, and then…it was as if he shut off all emotion for a moment as he stared at Jared.

“What?” Jensen’s voice was angry, but dangerously so—low and close to a growl, an oncoming storm. Jared was vaguely aware that Danny and Chris were watching this exchange with equally petrified looks on their faces.

“I’m…” There was no going back. Jared had just obviously given away his knowledge. He thought about denying the implications of his obviously too elaborate apology, but couldn’t make himself belittle Jensen’s intelligence.

“Who told you?” Jensen’s voice was still softy and like a dagger. He glanced dangerously at Danny and Chris, both of whom opened their mouths to assure him it was neither of them. Jared beat them to it.

“Chad—but please, don’t be mad at him!” Jared tried, but he could already see Jensen’s deceivingly calm façade falling.

“Of fucking course,” Jared growled. Jared was waiting for the eruption, and he didn’t have to wait long. “Of fucking course!” Jensen spun, swiping his hand across the bar, and launching a whiskey glass at the opposite wall. It shattered and Jensen spun again. “God, of fucking course, it was far too much to ask that at least one fucking person in this group didn’t look at me like I was fucking broken.”

He started to stalk out of the bar and Jared jumped up, grabbing his hand. Jensen ripped his away. “Don’t touch me,” he spat and left the bar.

Jared stood there, feeling as if he’d just been stabbed for a long moment before he turned quickly, grabbing his coat.

“Wait, Jared, don’t,” Danny warned. “He needs some space right now, don’t push him.”

“Danny, with all due respect, shut up,” Jared snapped. “He’s a grown man, and he will deal with a fight he started with his goddamn boyfriend. He’s not some fragile porcelain doll. If I push him, he won’t break.”

With that, he left with a huff. He hailed a cab and arrived home in short time.

“Jensen,” he called the moment he flung open the door, but he knew immediately that Jensen hadn’t come here. The dogs were still outside, and even if Jensen were angry, he would’ve let Harley and Sadie in, Jared knew. Jared dialed him on his cell, and called, but it went straight to voice mail. “Damnit!” he yelled, plopping onto the couch. He held his head in his hands, groaning. “Damnit.”

He waited all night for Jensen to come home to no avail, for Jensen did not return until late the next morning. Jensen walked in softly, pausing when he saw Jared sitting on the couch, awake and waiting. Jared stood.

“I know you’re angry with me, but where the hell have you been? You could’ve at least texted me so I knew you hadn’t crashed your car and died. It could’ve been an emoji for all I care, just something, Jensen.” Jared said softly.

Jensen stared at him for a long moment, and then sighed. “I needed to clear my head, so I went and sat on the beach,” he explained. “My phone died at the bar.”

They stared at each other for a long moment in silence. Finally, Jared spoke, “I can’t really explain or justify this very well.”

“You can try,” Jensen replied angrily. “Why in the hell would Chad tell you? And why have you kept it from me, Jared? I thought you were the one person on this entire fucking planet that didn’t know—“ He stopped himself and took a deep breath, walking to the couch and plopping down. Jared sat again, across from him.

“Look, it’s my fault,” Jared said. “Don’t be mad at Chad. I asked, I pried. But look, what you said about being looked at like you’re broken? Did you think I looked at you like that before you knew I knew?”

Jensen took a steadying breathe. “No,” he admitted.

“Exactly! I don’t think you’re broken, and I don’t think you’re fragile,” Jared told him. “You were in a really bad situation, but you were strong, and you survived. I respect you for it.”

“I’m not a war hero,” Jensen grumbled, running a hand through his hair. “I just dated a prick.”

“I think it can be said that he was a little more than just a prick,” Jared commented.

“That’s not the point, I don’t want to talk about him,” Jensen snapped. “What I want to talk about is how our entire relationship has been a lie.”

“How the fuck has our relationship been a lie?” Jared asked angrily.

“This undoubtedly influenced how you treated me,” Jensen replied a little bitterly. “Now I look back on the months we’ve dated, and I want to analyze everything you’ve ever said or done to me for hidden meaning.”

“Jensen, I swear to God that I practically forgot about it until last night,” Jared told him. “Granted, I did let you take the lead in the beginning, but that wasn’t because I knew about the abuse, that was just because I genuinely thought you’d like to take the lead.”

“You’re telling me you’re positive that there’s no way any of your decisions were influenced?” Jensen asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Of course I can’t tell you that definitively! Maybe, on some subconscious level, it influenced my decisions, but I can’t control my subconscious! It didn’t influence conscious decisions, and isn’t that all that matters?” Jared pleaded. He got up and sat next to Jensen, who nearly stood, but decided to allow it. “Jensen, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have asked Chad in the beginning. This is entirely my fault, and I’m sorry.”

Jensen sighed heavily, running a hand over his face before asking, “Why did you ask Chad?”

“That first night at the bar when I met you, I saw how they forced you into the apple eating contest, and Danny told me you were sort of a loner, which I didn’t think much of. But they sort of…I don’t know, they seemed so protective of you, just when we were simply hanging out, no threat. I was curious. I liked you Jensen, and I didn’t want to mess it up. So I asked Chad if there was anything I ought to know that could help me not mess it up. And he told me, and at the end he added that if I messed it or you up, he’d have to break my leg.”

Jensen raised his eyebrows. “Chad said that. To you.”

“Yeah, or something of the same idea,” Jared replied. “He told me because he didn’t want me to end up hurting you. And he knew…that I needed to not mess it up. Because, I mean, even after our first date…I was so…I liked you. A lot. But I found that even though I knew, it didn’t matter because everything felt perfect with you. Or at least damned close. At the very least, natural.”

Jensen was silent as he looked at Jared carefully. “I want to let this go,” he slowly said. “But now that I know…it feels like you’re different.”

“That’s stupid,” Jared replied immediately.

Jensen blinked at him, frowning angrily. “Thanks asshole.”

“Well, I mean, come on, Jensen! I’m not different, you’re not different. We’re living together, we’ve been together for months. This—surprisingly—is our first real fight, which is just a further testament to how fucking great this relationship has been. And I understand why you’re mad, and I get that I’m the one at fault. But this isn’t something that is going to break us up. I’m still the same person, and I still—I mean, Jensen, I—“ Jared took a deep breath, frowning, staring at his hand in deep concentration for a long time before he finally looked up. “Knock knock.”

“You’re joking,” Jensen stood angrily, grabbing his coat from the back of the chair and heading to the door. Jared jumped up and grabbed his hand pulled him back.

“This time, actually, no I’m not,” Jared replied, then, more urgently. “Knock knock.”

“Jared, c’mon, you can’t be serious! There is a time and a place for knock knock jokes and in the middle of a fight with your boyfriend is not one! Actually, neither is during nor post sex, but that’s a different argument,” Jensen said, exasperated.

“I’m completely serious, Jensen,” Jared replied. “Knock knock.”

“God, fine! I’ll humor you, Jesus! Who’s there?”

“Olive.”

“Olive who?”

“Olive you.”

Jensen stared at Jared blankly for a long moment before slapping his forehead. “Did you just—I mean, really?” he asked, but Jared saw the smile behind the exasperation.

“I do,” Jared said. “I mean, it’s kind of weird that we moved in together before I said I love you, but nevertheless. I do.”

“Through a knock knock joke, you idiot,” Jensen rolled his eyes but stepped up to Jared and kissed him. It was far too quick for Jared’s liking, though, and when Jensen pulled back, he added, “And I’m still angry.”

“But you’re kissing me, so less angry?” Jared asked.

“Yes, less angry,” Jensen finally agreed. “I think I’m angrier at Chad now.”

“Oh no, please, Jensen, don’t be angry with Chad! He really, really didn’t want to upset you, which is the entire reason why I didn’t come clean immediately. He knew you’d be angry with him, and he was walking a very fine line between what he thought was helping both of us, and what he knew would anger you. Also, if this helps, he was, like, extremely hung over.”

“I just wish…I wish you would’ve waited for me to tell you,” Jensen finally admitted.

“Would you have ever told me?” Jared asked.

Jensen thought for a long moment. “Maybe eventually. But even if I decided never to tell you, that’s my choice. It should’ve been my choice.”

“I know,” Jared agreed. “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are,” Jensen replied. “And…I mean…I—I love you too. So I forgive you.”

Jared grinned at him, leaning in and kissing him again. “Thank you.”

“And I know you don’t want me to be mad at Chad, but I am still,” Jensen said defiantly. “I mean, sorry, but that was a dick move, hung over and good intentions or not.”

Jared sighed. “I should warn him.”

“Oh, I’m sure Danny and Chris have already taken care of that,” Jensen assured. “But don’t worry, I won’t be mad at him for too long.”

“Good, I’m glad,” Jared smiled. “Well, anyway, I think that he’ll be too distracted by Misha now. I’m pretty sure they went home together.”

“Oh?” Jensen raised his eyebrows. “What gave you that impression? I personally thought the very silent five minute wait Chad allowed between his departure and Misha’s wasn’t suspicious and obvious at all.”

Jared laughed. “We’ll have to see how that goes. I bet you Chad tries to hide it.”

“I’ll take that bet,” Jensen agreed. “Chad is a prideful man, and Misha is certainly a catch. I think he’ll tell us immediately. Five bucks says he’ll tell us within a week—or, at the very least, you.”

“Agreed,” Jared nodded, putting out his hand so they could officially shake on it. They dropped hands and Jared smiled at Jensen fondly. He pulled Jensen to him so he could kiss him quickly, then held him close for a long moment. “Thank you for forgiving me. Last night was terrible.”

“I can’t stay mad at you,” Jensen sighed. “I mean, it’s like being angry at a puppy. I think that’s the majority of the reason we haven’t really fought about much. I mean, I’ll start to get mad at you, and then you’ll do your whole goofball, puppy dog eyes and I forget why I’m mad. Anyway, have you slept at all?”

Jared paused, then slowly admitted, “I dosed for a little while, but not really.”

“How are you not dead tired?” Jensen asked him, pulling back and putting his hands on Jared’s cheeks, as if that would help him gauge, tangibly, Jared’s sleep deprivation.

“I drank about four pots of coffee,” Jared said a little bashfully, wiggling free of Jensen’s careful gaze and grasp.

“You didn’t have to stay up, you know,” Jensen told him softly. “I was going to come home. I just…I wanted to be alone for a little while, think.”

“Then you come home, and kick me out, Jensen,” Jared told him. “You tell me to go stay at Chad’s, you don’t just hang out on the beach all night without anyone knowing where you are. I was worried out of my mind. When you charge your phone, there will be a stupid amount of missed phone calls and texts from me.”

“I know, I know, but I didn’t want to do that either. I didn’t want to kick you out, but I didn’t want to actually deal with it yet—I just wanted quiet,” Jensen sighed. “I like the beach at night. No one’s there, I can just sit and be alone and watch the waves. It’s peaceful. It’s an escape.”

Jared leaned in and planted a kiss on Jensen’s forehead, admiring his need for peace. “You must be pretty tired too,” Jared finally said, leaning his forehead against Jensen’s for a moment. “C’mon, I think we could both use a nap.”

Jared took Jensen’s hand and they walked into the bedroom, flopping onto the bed without undressing or getting under the covers. Jared wrapped a tentative arm around Jensen, who snuggled a little closer to Jared, and they were both out like lights.