Chapter 19
Vera looked down at Joan, whose eyes were clenched shut. Her brow slightly furrowed but the tightness around her mouth softened when Vera rubbed a thumb slowly back and forth beside Joan's navel. She allowed herself to look leisurely over Joan's body while she did not have those intense eyes staring back at her. It would have been stupid of her not to take advantage of this moment in time when she did not feel like she was being eaten alive by Joan's gaze.
It looked to Vera like Joan's collarbone had been broken at some point and healed improperly, she saw a few scars by her breasts, slightly raised and faded white, and of course, Vera found herself mesmerized by the toll time takes on a body. By no means was she put off by anything she saw, because although she was a decade of more younger than Joan, her own body had begun its own degeneration. Instead, she saw what her body could look like in the years to come and it did not frighten her at all. She found herself sighing in contentment, because for all the scars, and damage and age, Vera felt like she was looking down at a beautiful woman who had simply lived. If only she could look the same, even if her own body's story was not written by the same hand.
Her gaze returned back to Joan's face and realized that the tenseness was not only held in Joan's face, but also underneath Vera, which raised a million questions for her. It was almost as if Joan was scared, and if so, how could that be? There had been no hesitation in the movements she had bestowed upon Vera's body, no hint of someone who would nervous while being in receivership.
"Joan, please look at me," she whispered, barely making a noise.
Joan shook her head in subtle move to one side only and parted her lips, "just," she sighed, "just do it".
Vera was unsure what Joan meant by her request, but since Joan would not open her eyes, she leaned down and kissed Joan's parted lips, softly and without demand. Joan's lips barely pursed in response, but since Vera had not heard a request to stop she began kissing down Joan's neck, sucking gently and tasting her. Vera found that even though a woman's body was totally foreign to her, in fact, all sexual activity that was not done with her own hand was quite foreign to her, she found that moving her hands and mouth over Joan's body felt completely natural.
She moved down so that she was straddled over Joan's pelvis, and leaned down to trace her tongue between Joan's breasts, taking time to lay her face to one and breathing her in. She could hear Joan's heart beating hard against her chest in a even, steady rhythm. She continued kissing and tasting Joan's sweet skin, dragging her tongue over the contracting nipples and delighting in the texture under her, then running her tongue underneath Joan's pendulous breast.
She moving lower and lower, her nerves building ever so slightly as she found she had moved farther back and was lying on her stomach between Joan's legs, that she had slowly eased apart. She lay her face against Joan's inner thigh and closed her eyes for a moment, finding she was not ready to look upon Joan. She suddenly realized that perhaps she wouldn't like the way Joan tasted, perhaps she would be scared by all the parts of a woman that were so much more intricate than the simplicity of a man. What if she was terrible at pleasuring Joan? What if she was unable to bring her to orgasm? Her brain started to swirl and a cold panic grabbed hold of her. What if it turned out she didn't like women after all?
She was unsure how long she had laid there, her face pressed into Joan's soft skin before she felt Joan's legs begin to close in on her.
"Vera, come here."
Vera's eyes shot open and she bolted into an upright position. "Yes? I-I-I, I will....I just found that I was..."
"I said come here, Vera." Joan's voice was calm and steady. Vera was glad to find she did not hear even a twinge of disappointment in it.
Vera crawled up and sat cross legged behind Joan, her eyes downcast. "I'm sorry I couldn't. I mean, I couldn't right away. You're. You're just so..."
"Let me stop you there, Vera. I'm actually glad. I have hangups. I felt uncomfortable. I still feel uncomfortable. Do you think you'd like to try something else instead?" Joan's sure voice broke very slightly near the end.
"But I want to!" Vera found herself spurting out, a little too loudly.
Joan smiled slightly and turned onto her side. "You do?"
Vera felt a blush creep up into her cheeks but stayed quiet for awhile. "Why are you so tense? What do you mean by hangups?"
Joan closed her eyes again and let out a deep and stuttering sigh, "I don't like the way I look. I get pleasure in giving, not receiving. I just feel like I'm not what most people want to look at. I'm too - I'm too. Well, I'm too many of a lot of things."
Joan sighed again and rested her hand on the curve of her hip. "I don't want to scare you off, since if I'm under the right understanding, this will be your first time with a woman."
Vera blush deepened because her mind was on fire with the thoughts of Joan's breasts and of Joan's tongue dragging over her lips while her body was being kissed by Vera's inexperienced mouth. She wanted so badly to tell her exactly what she was thinking, "But Joan. You're so...beautiful. I love all of the "too much"."
"Vera, come here and kiss me."
Vera complied and melted into Joan's grasp that pulled her close to her so that they were lying down nose to nose on the bed. They lay like that kissing tenderly and running their hands over each other, while Vera worked up the courage to finally whisper into Joan's hair, "I love the slope of your nose. I love the curve of your hips and the shape of your breasts. I love your fingers, and your scars and your eyes that always seem to want to eat me alive." Vera moved in and kissed Joan slowly and deeply to prove she was speaking the truth.
"Most of all I love your confidence and now I see that underneath all that control there is this vulnerable Joan that I didn't know existed. I love that the most. That you can be open and vulnerable for me. It means a lot to me, Joan. So yes, I love all that you consider to be too much. All of it."
Joan let out a small choked noise and brought Vera's face to her shoulder and held her tightly. Vera felt like she should pull away because she could barely breathe, but understood that Joan needed a moment to come to terms with what she'd just been told. Vera was the real thing. She wanted all of what Joan had to offer. The intensity and the brokenness.
Finally she let go and all tenseness slipped slowly out of her body and evaporated while she stared hard at Vera with a bit of wetness around her eyes.
"Vera, I'm ready. Don't be scared. I understand if it's not what you want, but please, take me." Joan again dropped her legs apart, but this time there was an inviting quality to it and Vera saw that now she was wanted and encouraged. Now Vera felt she was not scared at all.