Chapter 20
Joan felt Vera's small fingers reach down and spread open her sex. Her breath hitched as Vera's fingers touched her for the first time and found great relief when they did not recoil immediately from what she touched. She watched Vera with deep curiosity, her eyes closed with mouth slightly parted. It looked to Joan like Vera was trying to figure out what she should be doing without looking like she was fumbling. It was in an odd way quite endearing, but Joan thought that if she stopped Vera yet again, it may do damage to her pride, and so she decided to lie her head back and stare at the ceiling, hoping that Vera would find herself and that this experience would bring them both closer together. She prayed mostly that her body would allow itself to relax and her mind would not turn to stone.
More than not, sexual urges were repressed within Joan because she did not want to deal with the intensity an orgasm brought and the crushing emptiness that came after when she found herself alone or beside a naked body that she wanted to escape. Having another body there wanting more from her, wanting closeness, was painful, because Joan never had any intention to create a bond. Coming to orgasm with another person she found the worst, because the feelings of emptiness and solitude were more pronounced.
Many times when she found she needed to deal with the overwhelming primal urge to release a deep tension, she found herself chasing an elusive orgasm that was always out of her reach, and so she would stop frustrated and tense. During these times, her mind may have been turned to granite because it refused to soften and welcome the pleasure her body so desperately needed.
This was why Joan had been partially unwilling to allow Vera to know her more intimately, because she did want more from Vera. She wanted to create a meshing of beings, but if her mind was unwilling to let go of its muscle memory and learn something new, she knew she could never allow herself to try this again. Not with Vera, not with another one else. She'd remain sexless forever and it frightened her because she wanted Vera more than anything.
Vera's fingers traced delicate circles around her, sometimes hitting a spot that sent a shiver through her, but Joan found it impossible to speak up and give directions. She just let Vera explore and hoped that Vera would be paying attention to her body's reactions. Finally, the circles stopped and Vera's thumb began to slowly and with a sharp flick began to run up and down her small pink nub which was now quickly beginning to stand at attention. There is was. Joan couldn't help but let out a low moan, quiet but there, and in response Vera answered with her own little mewl then leaned in and kissed Joan's mouth deeply, drawing in her bottom lip and sucking it very gently then releasing and starting at Joan with a certain intensity.
"I want to do it. Please, Joan. I want to kiss you. Kiss you...there." She leaned in and gave a more chaste kiss, her eyes still intense but guarded.
Joan said nothing, but nodded with a deep breath put her hand gently on Vera's shoulder and gave her the slightest push. "Go on."
Vera crawled down and rested on her belly. She kept her eyes on Joan's the entire time and Joan found herself actually wanting Vera's mouth on her. The eye contact that they kept was deeply erotic. It was clear that this time, the tension felt was simply for the anticipation of what would happen. A jolt went through Joan as Vera leaned in and began kissing her inner thighs, tenderly and without rush. One thigh, then the other. It was clear that this time Vera was taking the time to stop at look at her, and yet she continued the sweep of her mouth over her pillowy softness. A deep groan escaped her when suddenly the sweet thigh kisses stopped and Joan suddenly felt Vera's lips kissing Joan's lower lips, mouth open and tongue dragging before moving to a new spot.
"Oh God," Joan whimpered. She couldn't help herself. Vera had found her courage, and her tongue was now on her, slightly hesitant, but it was there, tasting her, coming to know what it felt like to have a woman's most intimate sweetness under her.
Vera's tongue became more sure, stroking becoming more confident by the second and then it stopped as suddenly as it started. Joan's heart rose in her throat. What had happened? She wanted to wiggle her hips to ask for more, but that was below her, and so she waited for what felt like an eternity.
"Jesus, Joan. You taste incredible. You feel incredible."
Joan blushed deeply, and as Vera resumed her ministrations, the blush turned crimson and flushed through her body like wildfire when Vera began kissing her thigh again and mumbled into her skin, "you have nothing to be ashamed of, Joan. It's beautiful, just like a flower." Vera kissed the flower she spoke of and murmured one last thing, "just like an iris".
Joan decided to focus on the lavender flowery petals of Georgia O'Keefe, tinted in a soft pink, so that her mind could stay somewhere safe, somewhere centered and calm as she felt the warmth beginning to build in her. She realized if she focused on the curled petals, she could make her mind stay open and receptive. She would let her body enjoy this. She would let her clitoris sing under Vera's tongue, who was quickly finding ways to send hot bolts of pleasure through her being.
Joan decided to allow her hand to reach down and place it on the Vera's crown and caress it. She made a conscious decision to begin to arch her hips into Vera's mouth so that Vera's tongue was hitting her at just the perfect angle. Abruptly her breathing started to come in quick and sharp pants, and so began the tingling and the realization that her body was cooperating. Finally. Unconsciously a tear rolled out of the corner of her right eye and dripped down into her ear. She couldn't bring herself to move her hand up to wipe it because this meant that her body was wanting this and needing the love that Vera was delivering to her. She'd been waiting her entire life for this connection. How beautiful it was.
She felt her insides begin to twitch and she understood what that meant. Her toes unconsciously begin to point down and her teeth gritted for a mere second.
A deep groan poured forth, "yes, Vera, yessss." Joan's hands found themselves pushing Vera's head towards her, gently but with purpose and her breath came in desperate gasps. She found herself chanting Vera's name over and over, the last vowel sounding slightly haunted until Joan felt a shock and found her lips silently mouth, "Vera, I lo-" but was unable to finish before her entire body seized. Deep within her she was shocked that those words had almost escaped fully, even if they were unheard. She knew that she cared deeply for Vera, but did not know that such intense feelings were bottled up within her. Not strangely, she needed a metaphorical uncorking for her real feelings to show themselves to her. This fact was not lost that she needed someone willing to see her for who she really was to let herself open up.
Vera's tongue kept its repetitious motion and the one orgasm that caused her to nearly black out, rolled straight into another. Joan's body had never allowed this deliverance and she found that it was almost more than her neurons could take. She was slightly worried, while also selfishly accepting every blissful feeling that she may lose consciousness, and just as she felt like she could handle no more, she pulled Vera to her lips and drank deeply from her mouth. She found surprisingly that she could taste herself on Vera, and that she tasted nothing like the mouse who was salty in a way that reminded her of ocean waves.
Joan cupped Vera's face, softly caressing Vera's cheek with her thumb and then smiled ever so gently before pulling Vera to her breast. They laid there like that a long time, Vera listening to the rhythm of Joan's heart and Joan petting Vera's fluffy head, her own soft kitten.
Finally, Vera whispered into Joan's chest, "Joan?"
"Mmm."
"I want to be able to do that forever."
Joan's heart sang. She pulled Vera into her that much tighter; not wanting to let go. Her mouse, her delicate doll, brought her nothing but joy. Joan's body bloomed with the grand feeling of acceptance and the spiderweb cracks in her brain, those that had been filled with the ugliness, spread. The cracks that had always hounded her and reminded her her whole life of what she could not have and what she could not be, weaved open in a new long hairline shock that etched itself deeper than any other crack had gone.
"Then you shall." Joan leaned forward and planted a single kiss on the top of Vera's sweet head.
It was not long before Joan noticed the difference in Vera's breathing which meant that she had fallen asleep. Her gentle lover had succumbed to unconsciousness in her arms, feeling safe and secure in the knowledge that Joan would watch over her. She wanted to spend the entire night like this, covered in the naked body of the woman her brought her this new feeling of warmth. Vera didn't know it, but while she slept, Joan began a healing process. Vera had unknowingly started something for Joan that would make her a happier, more fulfilled person. Joan would know love.
The beauty of gold leaf is that is can be brushed over any surface to make it more attractive, more glamorous, but underneath the shine there can still lay something broken and tarnished. Joan had lived her whole life up until this point, continuing to brush over the ugly parts of herself. With a deep sigh she accepted the feeling that was washing over her. A molten liquid pooled forth, filling all parts of the emptiness. The spiderweb line was being filled. Vera filled her. The acceptance filled her. Love filled her. The cracks filled with gold. Genuine and forever.