Chapter 12
When Joan finally willed up the nerve to release Vera from her hold, she held her at arm's length.
"Do you understand what you're asking of me, Vera?"
"No."
There was an extended silence while Vera looked at her feet.
"But I do know that I need you. I want to be with you."
Joan firmed her grasp, her nails digging in slightly and contemplated what she would say next. The vulnerability and humility on Vera's face pained her. The following words could irretrievably change the course of their relationship. She could not hurt Vera.
"Vera, there is nothing more I would like in this moment than to be intimate with you, however, you need to understand how this could change us."
Joan took into account that Vera's lower lip began to tremble. She had not lead her on to this moment, that was not it, but if things did not work out she could risk losing her career. However much she wanted Vera, Joan knew that her career came first, however selfish that was.
"You need to understand that this will forever change our dynamic. Vera, are you willing to wager that?"
There was a long pause. Joan released Vera's shoulders and let her arms drop to her sides. Her heart beat in her throat for the fear of what Vera would answer. Either way Joan realized it would break apart what she'd always known to be true about herself.
"Are you saying this to hurt me, to confuse me? Christ Joan, I'm standing here nearly naked in your bathroom. I want you. I want you, Joan."
"Vera," Joan sighed deeply, "I'm saying this so you don't hurt me."
Vera's hand shook as she brought it to her hair, tucking it behind her ears. She didn't know where to look. Where could she go from here. There was no easy to to back up from this situation, but now going forward seemed as difficult as jumping a chasm.
"You're a complex creature, Joan Ferguson." Vera took the leap and approached forward, leaning her forehead against Joan's chest once again. It was a last act of desperation. Vera needed the tenderness that Joan could give her. Right now, she needed to feel vulnerable despite the outcome.
"Will you take me to bed just this once?" Vera boldly reached around and ran her fingers down Joan's back. She looked up to see that Joan's expression was as lost as her own. "Don't do this to me. Please."
Joan quickly reached up and placed her hand on top of Vera's head protectively, lovingly.
"Vera. It's been so long."
"Please," was all Vera could think to say.
Joan reached down and laced her fingers through Vera's. "Don't let me hurt you."
Vera squeezed Joan's hands. "Take me."
Joan took a deep breath and began the walk down the hall, Vera a half-step behind.