You never came back
Thursday.
8:30am
After dropping Laura off, you had spent the rest of your day yesterday writing out what you believed to be two new songs.
You went to bed rather early after consuming way more then a few beers. It didn't help that your thoughts had brought you right back to that dark corner again..
--
You're shaken awake by the sound of your phone ringing. Unknown number? Nobody ever calls you this early..
You answer the phone but before you can even breath a word out you're accompanied by the voice you resent the most.
“So I heard you were on campus yesterday. That's too bad, I would have loved to speak to you.”
“There’s a reason why you didn’t see me. I’ve changed my number three times in the last two months. Now maybe you should start doing something else with your time rather then fucking stalking me Lilita.” You all but yell into the phone. “Now now, is that anyway to speak to your mothe-”
But you don't give her time to finish that sentence. “-You are not my Mother.” Your voice is deadpan “You may have William brainwashed, but you will always be a worthless piece of scum to me”. You hang up before she can say another word.
You cant help the very exasperated sigh that passes your lips.
Why can't you just get away from her? Even after changing your number multiple times and moving out on your own, Your psychotic 'mother' still found ways to make your life a living hell.
You throw the phone down on the pillow next to you and push yourself up on the side of the bed, your feet meeting the cold floor beneath you. Every time you hear that fucking voice of her's all the flashbacks come back like a wave hitting the shore. But the one you think of the most is the memory of her locking you away in that tiny ass closet for days on end.
The reason why you hate small spaces, and the Dark.
If only there was something to take all these dark thoughts away.. Just a small ray of light to start off your morning with.
(Maybe you just aren't worthy of that light.)
There is only one person you finally needed in this specific situation. Maybe it was about time you paid your sister a little visit.
Thursday
3pm
It's the day before the Christmas party and you are just getting back from costume shopping with Lafontaine and Perry. You picked a very cute (very short) Red dress that matches with white and red knee high stockings and a Santa hat.
If you were to be completely honest with yourself, It looked kinda sexy on you. You've never really used that word to describe yourself before, but you are in collage now; Maybe it was time to spice things up a little bit.
It's definitely an outfit your father wouldn't approve of.
Lafontaine and Perry got matching Elf costumes that read “Elf 1 & Elf 2” on them, Curtsy of Laf obviously. Sometimes they were so cute you wanted to hurl.
As you all make your way up to your floor the silence is interrupted by a highly interested sounding Perry. “So Laura, I’ve noticed you and Carmilla have been getting along nicely”.
“Yeah, If by ‘getting along’ you mean secretly crushing on each other” Lafontaine adds, and you can't help the nervous hitch in your laugh.
You definitely are crushing on Carmilla.. But she doesn't look at you the same way.
You notice Perry giving them a very anxious glance. While they just shrug as if to say 'Well, I’m not wrong'.
Wanting to ease the worried floor don, you speak up. “No it’s okay Perry, But Carmilla and I are just friends” You sigh and look down at the door handle in front of you.
“Just friends..”
3pm
Mattie had lived with you and Lilita up until you were 7. Being adopted almost immediately after birth, you had spent those whole seven years with her. Will, being adopted a year later- never got to meet her. You've told him all about her though.
But for you, she was that honorary big sister in your life. Mattie is six years older than you, so Lilita had used her for a lot of the fashion shows. (Sometimes both of you but you were a little too young to be full time yet.) Until around the time Mattie started to take an interest in the art program at her school and no longer wanted to work for Karnstein.
You still vividly remember the way you felt the day it happened. You arrived home from school to find a very cold, extremely empty room that belonged to Mataska. You were instantly filled with desolation and a hundred and one questions as to why this could have happened. Lilita had sent Mattie away to some foreign all girls boarding school. She had taken her away from you. Just like everything else that was good in your life.
To this day, You sure as hell know it was because of the bond You and Mattie shared. You didn't even get to say goodbye. The only thing you had left of her was the small black cat plushy that she gave you when you were 2. It was given to her by her Birth parents right before they gave her up, but she had told you that when you were crying, it was the only thing that would give you comfort.
She left it next to a note you assume she rushed to write that said 'Don't worry Carmilla, I'll come back for you'.
(But she never did, and To this day they're both always placed by your bed side.)
Lilita went to great lengths to make sure you would never find out where Mattie was. It wasn't until six months ago that you found the boarding school she was sent too through hours of searching Lilita's office. You were actually trying to find info on your birth parents before you moved out but happened to come across a very small brown envelop labeled 'The mistake'. It had every file on Mattie that there ever was. You contacted the school and found out that she moved on to become an Art major at The New York Academy of Art's.
After graduating she moved back to Austria just a town over from where you live, but you hadn't mustered up the courage yet to call or visit her since you found out. Considering you haven't seen her in 14 years. You have no idea what she's like, but you definitely know she got the better life. Which is all you could have wanted for her.
Again, If you had to suffer for Will and Mataska to be Happy, So be it.
After hours of research you discovered that she owns a small art gallery just off the bend of Styria, and today's the day you're going to meet her again.
--
Considering you've been driving for almost an hour now you finally decide that maybe you're a little lost and maybe you should pull out your phone to use the GPS. You type in the coordinates and just your luck, obviously you've been going the wrong way for the past 10 minutes. You pull a u-ey and make your way back towards the right turn you missed.
So much is running through your head, Like if she even wants to see you or If she'll even recognize you. You attempt to push those thoughts away because right now there's no one in the world you'd rather talk to at this very moment then her.
As you make a sharp right turn off the over pass you drive up to the small little shop that says 'Hello Darkness, My Old friend' on the dainty purple sign just above the clear glass double doors. Maybe you and Mattie have more in common then you think.
You park a few spaces from the door and turn the keys to cut the engine. You cant help the lump in your throat and the knot in your stomach as you run your sweaty palms down your leather pants. You've waited 14 years for this day, you have so many questions.. It's time to just girl the hell up and do it.
You exit the car while making your way towards the very shiny glass doors and reach out to grab the metal door handle. You take a deep breath and enter the very nostalgic looking gallery.
The walls are lined with paintings upon paintings of very obscured Art. There's a bit of a pattern that you pick up on, Dark and light. Each painting tells a story to you, Some bring out despair and others seem more hopeful. Clearly Mattie expresses her emotions through her art like you do with your music, but somehow you're completely fixated on such articulate detail in the way she sends her message across. As you walk along the wall of Art lost in your own head, your interrupted by a voice you didn't know you missed so much until right this second.
"Are you an Artist? I've never seen someone so lost in my work before" The voice sounds so calm and soothing it almost brings instant tears to your eyes. You turn around to face her and god is she ever beautiful. She's wearing a long black trench coat that puffs upwards by the collar bone with matching black knee high boots. She looks So grown up and soo.. sophisticated. Everything you hoped to be.
By the look on her face you can only assume she recognizes you because it's not even a millisecond before tears are pooling in her eyes and she's hugging you so tight you think your lungs might collapse. You hug her back gracefully because in all these years that's all you've ever wanted. For her to hold you and tell you it's going to be okay.
(But she never came back.. And you had to fight through it alone)
She lets go of you and wipes the tears from her cheeks. You're so lost for words that you don't know what to do, so you just stand there and look at her.
"Carmilla.. How did you find me?" She pauses but your brain still cant rack up a word to say so she cuts back in "I've spent years looking for you, I couldn't find one file or connection to you" She grabs your left hand "I assume that was Lilita's goal. But I never stopped looking Carm. I can't believe you're here, and so- grown up. Oh my god you've grown up.." She trails off as the tears continue to form on her face.
"You never came back." are the first things out of your mouth and it's such a gut wrenching feeling that you can't help the tears that are falling now. "I waited all those years.. I slept with your note by my bed and read it every night as a reminder that someday soon I would be out of that Hell we called a home." Your voice cracks on the word 'home'.
"Carmilla, I'm so sorry. I never planned it this way. My plan was to come back and take you with me to New York but Lilita made sure I had no idea where you guys had moved and she went to great lengths to hide you from me. But like I said, I never stopped looking for you. I'd spend days on end searching around all of the middle schools in Austria and never found a match. But then I came to the conclusion that she must have kept you home schooled so I couldn't link that to your location. I'm sorry I failed you.. I wanted nothing more then to save you Carmilla, please believe that." She reaches her hand up to wipe the tears from your cheeks and you can't help the way your arms wrap around her because no matter what has happened, Mattie was here now; And you weren't going to lose her again.
5pm
After re trying on your costumes with Perry and Laf deciding to make some concoction out of the things under your sink, they had both left and now you were stuck doing nothing for the rest of the night. The party is tomorrow and you'd be lying if you said you weren't nervous as hell. You've been to plenty of party's on campus but never one where Carmilla was present. Also, considering each time you have drank together you get the sudden urge to feel her lips on your skin.. you aren't in the most relaxed state about this. Carmilla said you both were friends, and that's what you are.
You totally didn't pick the shortest costume that you could find for any particular reason.
--
You're half way through the first episode of Buffy when your accompanied by a knock. You don't recall expecting anyone so this is a little abrupt.
You pause the TV and make your way towards the door. Upon opening it, to your surprise, Danny is standing there looking very nervous if you might add. "Hey Laura, I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now but I can't stand this awkwardness between us. I'm sorry I lashed out on you the other day about Carmilla.. It was never my place to say anything." She reaches into her bag and pulls out a piece of paper that kinda looks like your midterm. "Here, I wanted to give this to you directly, Good job Hollis best in the class" She half smiles a you.
"Thanks Danny. And hey look, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have lashed out on you like I did because it didn't solve anything. I'm not mad at you I just needed some breathing space and I definitely wasn't getting that around you. I just wan't you to know that I care about all of you and even if you don't see what I see in Carmilla, that shouldn't matter and you shouldn't let it come between our friendship." You offer her a genuine smile and she mirrors the action.
"You're right Laura, No matter what, our friendship matters more to me so I'm sorry I acted out the way I did. I understand you don't need to be looked after".
"Good. Now are you gonna come join me or not?" You point over at the paused screen. "Couldn't imagine doing anything else" Danny smiles and you hold the door open wider so she can enter.
7pm
Mattie had decided to close up early so the both of you could go get a coffee and catch up. You talk about her schooling and success and your passion for music. You told her how when you started playing you just couldn't stop, it helped you tell your story without actually saying it. You both relate on that topic pretty highly. You both make plans to meet up at your place this upcoming week. You say your goodbyes and make your way to your car to endure this long ride home.
On the ride back you can't help but think of all the years you've missed with Mattie. You both could have seen the world together.
But she's here now and you guess that's more important. You pull up to the lustig because a drink is definitely what you need right now.
As you walk in and make your way to the bar you notice Will talking to- probably hitting on- this girl by the stage. She's cute, But she doesn't look entirely interested. You chuckle to yourself considering you know exactly why.
You decide to be a good sister and save him from the rejection that's to come. "Hey shit head, get me a beer" you yell over to him as he glances over to you with a look that screams 'Fuck off'.
"I'm waitinnnng" You sing song. He huffs and throws the rag hes holding up over his shoulder while he makes his way over to the bar. He sets a beer in front of you and you give him the biggest sarcastic smile you've ever given him in return. "You know, I don't ruin your pick-ups so why do you have to cock block me?" He's so pissed and you're loving ever bit of this.
"For one, You couldn't ruin my hookups even if you tried" you scoff "And two, she's not interested" you take a sip of your beer.
"How the hell do you know?" He sounds dead serious that you're just doing this to mess with him, so you're not gonna give it to him lightly.
"Because I slept with her last month"
You smirk as you watch his scrunched up face turn into disappointment. "Fucking awesome, Is there someone in this town you haven't slept with? Shit." You smile "Hey, It's not my fault I'm hot. And yes actually there is.." you trail off as you lift the beer back up to your lips and direct your eyes around the bar.
"So you are crushing on her then. Called it." He reaches over to grab the beer from your hands and takes a sip.
You snatch it back from him while punching him in the shoulder as he laughs.
It's not that he's wrong. You definitely like Laura, But you know she doesn't feel the same way. Why would she? She's so bright and you're so.. Dark. You're polar opposites. Also, you don't do relationships, or affection. You promised yourself that long ago and hookups have been keeping you at bay for a while now.
The weird part about it though is you know for a fact that you don't just want to touch Laura once, or twice or even ten times. You're quite certain that you could never stop wanting to touch her. You want to fall asleep talking about nonsense and wake up next to her smile; But you're terrified of getting close again, everything you touch you lose. Even the thought of losing Laura makes your stomach turn.
You don't know how but somewhere in this short period of time you've know her, She's managed to stay on your mind daily. Maybe it's the way she's so optimistic about everything, Maybe it's her free spirit, or how shes and extrovert and you've always been an introvert. Whatever it was, it made you crave her presence.
But you're just friends, and you have to respect that.
"I saw Mattie today" you finally say after debating on telling him at all. "What?" He stops wiping the counter to look at you "I've known her location for a while now but never conjured up the balls to go meet with her.. Until today". You finish off the bottle and toss it in the bin behind him.
"Well, how did it go? Can I meet her? What's she like?" He looks so excited that it makes your heart warm. If only he knew just how much you suffered for this. "She's coming over to my place on Tuesday. Come over for 3 so we can set up before she gets there". You stand up to leave as he yells out 'Wait Carm where are you going' but you ignore it and walk out into the cold air. It's been a while since you've walked home and you know you have to pass Silas, but that thought isn't so terrible anymore considering Laura occupies a room there.
You make your way down the street until you reach Laura's dorm and you let out a soft sigh because you only wish you could be up there in her arms.
But that's not reality and you'd never have that kind of luck.
You continue your walk to your apartment thinking about all the chances you've had to just kiss her but you decided last minute to back out and kiss her forehead instead. You don't want to do anything to jeopardizes your friendship with Laura so if that means hiding your feelings then so be it.
You need Laura because she lights up a part of you that can see clearly. You feel safe with her. Like you're a magnet re connecting with its base.
You walk up the stairs to your apartment and make it through the door before the urges kick in. You grab a beer from the fridge because god knows only Alcohol eases
this craving.
10pm
You spent the past couple hours pigging out on junk food and watching Netflix while getting lost in quirky conversations with Danny, so you both end up deciding to call it a night. You see her out and promise to see her tomorrow at her Party. You pull out your phone to text Carmilla because surprisingly you both haven't talked much since the day she walked you to class.
Laura(10:24pm):Hey! So the Christmas party starts at 9pm tomorrow and Laf and Perry are meeting us there at 8:30 to help set up, Is that alright with you?
You set the phone down on the table and shrug off the clothes you've been wearing to replace them with your Pajamas. You make your way to the bathroom to brush your teeth
and freshen up before bed. You walk back to grab your phone and cuddle up under the blankets. Your phone chimes a second later.
Carmilla(10:46pm):Yeah That's fine. Sorry I haven't been around much, I've been a bit busy. What time should I be at your dorm tomorrow?
Laura(10:47pm):No worries, I totally understand :) And Hmmm 8. I want to surprise you with my costume. :p
Carmilla(10:50):You probably shouldn't have said that Cutie, Now my minds wondering to not so innocent places.
You giggle a bit considering your costume definitely isn't on the 'innocent' side of that scale.
Laura(10:52pm):That's the goal. Glad I accomplished it. ;)
Carmilla(10:53pm): Be right back, Just need to take a Cold shower.
This hopeless crush of yours is definitely going to be the death of you.
Laura(10:54pm):Goodnight Carmilla.
Carmilla(10:54pm):Goodnight Laura.