Last Kiss

Ashlyn was on top of the world. Things were finally looking up. She was playing the game she loved, at the school she wanted, as number One keeper.

Freshman year had been good for her.

She met her best friend, who has stuck with her through thick and thin. Even though everyone else thought they would not get along, they became sisters.
She could be whoever the hell she wanted to be now.

Ashlyn had always been a tomboy, playing sports, rough housing with Chris. It's who she was, but never felt like she could truly be.

That was until she came to UNC.

She found herself.

No longer afraid to be who she had always wanted, not the image that was created for her.

Her mom had always wanted a princess; one who would meet her knight in shining armor and all that jazz.

That was never Ashlyn, nor did she live up to it. She had wanted to be the Knight, she wanted to save the girl.

Though she didn't figure that out until she, quit literally, saved a girl while walking to her dorm late one night.

She heard a women's voice telling someone off, as she was getting close to the corner of a building.

Thinking it was just a lovers spat, she paid no mind; until she heard a yell, sounding frantic, followed by silence.

Ashlyn darted around the corner to find a man towering over a women, in the darkness, she saw as he was about to reach down towards her.

The keeper acted quick, running full speed at the guy, hitting him like a fright train, tackling him to floor.

After a bit of a scuffle, she managed to knock out the guy, taking off her flannel and using it as improvised rope to restrain him.

The blonde turns in the direction of the women, to find a brunette pushing herself off the ground.

The brunette brings her hand up to her face, touching her lip to find it was busted.

Ashlyn slowly approached the women stopping a few feet in front of her and squats down, " you ok?" She internally cringes when the women flinches away from her.

Their eyes met and Ash puts her hands up, "I'm sorry... didn't mean to scare you." She moves to the side and points to the man, who's still passed out, " I restrained him, do you want me to call campus security?"

The brunette looks to the man then back at Ashlyn, after a few times, she finally shakes her head no.

"Are you sure?"

" yea.. yeah I'm fine." The woman says, looking around to see if anyone else saw what just unfolded (holy shit, what could have happened if this girl didn't show-) . Ashlyn's voice snaps her out of her thoughts.

"Can I walk you to, where ever it is you're going? " the blonde asks. She notices the skeptical look on women's face, and she puts one knee on the ground. She pulls out her wallet slowly, making sure the brunette can see her movements.

Taking out her school ID she hands it to the women, "my name is Ashlyn Harris, I just want to make sure you get home safe, nothing else. you can hold onto my ID and turn it into security after you get into your building or room. Or you can call a friend or someone to come pick you up, and I'll leave. But I really do not want to leave you alone, in the darkness. Wondering if you are going to be ok."

The brunette looks at the ID and into Ashlyn's eyes, she can tell the blonde is being genuine. She hands the card back to Ashlyn, " I trust you Ashlyn Harris," she holds her hand out. "I'm Bianca, Bianca Romero."

She felt empowered, a protecter, and now like she was in charge of her own life, her own fate.

As fate would have it two weeks later, said girl was in 3 out of 5 of her classes.

After the second class was over, she approached the brunette, and a coffee date was set.

Minutes turned to hours and days into weeks. strangers turned to friend, and feelings into a relationship.

---

Everything was going great.

And for Ashlyn Harris, when things are going great, something is bound to go wrong.

No, things are bound to go horribly wrong.

So when she receives a letter from her Dad halfway through sophomore year, she was hesitant to open it. Mainly considering she hasn't spoken to him since she was a freshman in high school, she had seen him on the streets, and well, things did not go that great.

The next day, her curiosity gets the best of her, and that's when the first bomb drops.

Her mom died.

The women who gave her life, no longer had one, due to a car accident.

She died.

Alone, died alone, she didn't have a new family, which honestly surprised the blonde.

She hadn't heard from her mom since she left one day and never came back.

It rattled her brain, as to why she feels so strongly about it, but at the same time she could careless.

Her mom had abandoned her and Chris, never made amends, never tried to see them.

So why? Why did Ashlyn feel like she had to go say goodbye to a face she doesn’t really remember? To pay respect to someone who couldn’t have given a damn to check on them from time to time. (I don’t owe her anything)

--

Yet, some how she ends up on a plane headed back to Florida.

When Chris picks her up from the airport they get into an argument.

“We don't owe her shit Ash, she left us remember!” Chris says with a bite.

Ashlyn just shakes her head, “I need to do this for me, say goodbye to a ghost.” She pauses and let's out a sigh, “I need the closure..”

Chris glances at his little sister and knows she's right, but that's doesn't mean he's going too, especially if there a chance of seeing their fath-. (Wait how did she even know..)

“How… How did you know about her?” He’s hesitant to ask, he has an idea, but prayed to every God in the world that he was wrong.. He watches out of the corner of his eye, how Ashlyn sinks into the passenger seat.

“Dad wrote me ..” She whispers.

Chris slams on the brakes of his beat up jeep and swerves off the road. He throws it into park, unbuckled his belt and turns to Ashlyn. His face is stoic, eyes unreadable as he looks into the keepers, “No.” He says as he shakes his head, “ you're not going.”

“Chris, I'm goi-“

“There's no FUCKING way I'm letting you go any where near that prick!” He yells, “ Ash… H.. He's.. No. I'm not letting you go to that funeral, fuck that family! They have never been there for us!”

“Bubba please,” she pleads with her brother, “ I have to..” the tears start to fall and Chris knows it means that much to her. (Fuck) He pulls Ashly into a hug and they just stay there for a few more minutes. ( I'm not letting her go… Alone)

-----

They go to the viewing.

When Ashlyn walks up to the casket, memories of her face flood her mind and it all becomes to much. She closes her eyes willing the storm away, then she feels Chris tense, and protectively wrap his arm around her shoulders.

(He's here)

She looks to her right and that's when she sees her dad. He's wearing a suit much to the siblings surprise, he just looks at them like they were the scum of the universe. Glaring with so much hatred that Ashlyn shrinks into her big brothers protections.

They decide to skip the burial.

-------

The next day, Chris takes Grams to Orlando for a doctors appointment, while Ash stays back to pack a few things to take to UNC with her.

They wouldn’t be back to see her off so she calls a shuttle. When she hears a knock on the door, thinking it's the shuttle, she opens it without a second thought.

"Hi, Just need-"

That's how she became face to face with her Dad, he was drunk, she could smell the alcohol on his breath (of course)

She stands there shocked, as he starts to go off on her, she knows she should shut the door and call the cops, but she feels brave enough to handle this (I'm not a scared little girl anymore)

He spews hate with his words, blames her for everything that had gone wrong in his life. She ignores him, as she had learned to do through out the years, and he gets so angry.

She should have seen it coming, standing in front of her drunken excuse of a father.

She should have listened as every thought in her mind was ‘get away from him’.

She wanted to be brave, she should have seen it coming.

But she didn't see it.

She didn't see how his jaw clenched, she didn't see how tense his body got.

She definitely didn't see when both his knuckles turned white as he made a fist.

Her lack of attention to these details results in a busted lip, and her dad leaving like nothing happened. (Go fucking figure)

She gets on an early flight back to UNC, vowing to steer clear of her father from here on out. (Never needed him anyway)

She texts Grams and Chris that she arrived at the airport, and boards the plane.

----

She gets off the plane, finds her luggage, and heads out to find Whitney waiting on the curb.

She almost forgot about the busted lip, the pain subsiding on the flight due to her numbness to the world, that when Whitney all but yells at her for it, she looks at her confused.

“What?” She replies.

“Your lip Ash! What happened?!” Whitney asks, trying not to lose her cool at the thought of her best friend getting punched.

“Oh” Ashlyn touches her lip and hisses ( dummy) “I was getting my board down from the garage and it slipped.. Busted my lip… I'm fine.”

"Bull... Ash what happened?" She doesn't let up. After staring at the keeper for a minute she realizes she doesn't even know why she went to Florida on such short notice.

"It's the truth, can we go now? I'm tired" The keeper states as she opens the passenger door and gets in.

Whitney shakes her head and walks to the driver side and gets in. Ashlyn never really talked about her parents, just her grandma and on occasion her brother, but Whitney remembers she heard Ashlyn say ‘Mom’ when she got that letter last week.

"Other than that, how was your trip?” She pauses for a second, “you were in such a hurry to go, you never had a chance to talk about it.” Whit knows she might be pushing her luck, but she had to try. She knows Ashlyn isn't telling her something important.

"It was whatever. The surfing sucked, so I got this for nothing.” She replied pointing to her lip.

“How's everyone back home?” Whit tried again, she keeps her eyes focused ahead on the road.

Ashlyn turned to look out the passenger window, she was quite for a second before replying almost in a whisper, “They're fine.”

Whitney almost didn't hear her, she chances a look, noticing the far away look on Ashlyn’s face as the keeper reaches into her pocket and mindlessly turns on her phone, Whit decided to let it go.

Ashlyn is jolted out of her thoughts by her phone vibrating. 10 texted and 23 missed calls, and her phone starts ringing again in her hand.

Whitney hears it vibrate and looks at Ashlyn’s phone, she sees the picture of her girlfriend Bianca. She looks up at Ash who just shrugs and silences the phone.
Whit knew something was wrong, she just didn't want to upset her best friend, so she minds her business, for now.

--

The next day Ashlyn goes to the gym and starts working the punching bag, to let out steam from the trip. She's smart about it though. She is, after all, a goal keeper.

Doing anything to jeopardize that at this point, is beyond reckless. Ash wasn’t about to mess that up, so she wraps her hands, puts the gloves on and let's the music play.

Slowly the blonde feels the stress slip away, and it's like she never went back to Florida, never got that letter about her mom, never saw her dad.

She calls Bianca back and apologies, making up something about her grandmas dog and her grandma needed her home with her. Bianca knows it's bs, but she gives Ashlyn a break, hoping she'll talk when she's ready.

----

Three months pass without a hitch, that is until after a tournament, she gets a call from her counselor with an important message from a Florida hospital.

Ashlyn was in her dorm staring at the piece of paper she was handed 3 hours ago. She had yet to call the Florida number written across it in blue, with RN Lisa Casey written below it.

She knew in the back of her mind it was about her Dad. Chris would have called her cell if it were about Grams, or vise versa.

She dials the number, and waits as it rings, ( hang up Ashlyn, this is stupid) she's about to hang up when it connects.

"Lisa Casey, how can I help you?"

Ashlyn freezes for a second, "uhhh hi Ms. Casey, I was told to contact you?"

It was quite for a minute, " is this- Ashlyn? Ashlyn Harris?"

"Y-yes"

"I didn't think, you'd call." The RN replies.

Ashlyn just wants to get this over with, " what's this about Ms. Casey?"

"Right, right... you might want to be sitting down for this."

The RN goes on to tell her how her father came in one day, throwing up blood. How over the weeks it progressed, happened more frequent, nothing was gonna stop it.

She tells Ashlyn that her name came up during a conversation she had with her father. What that conversation was Ashlyn will never know.

Her Dad has liver cancer.

He's had it for years apparently, the progression of the disease had taken the doctors by surprise.

The doctors give him three weeks.

Ashlyn doesn't hesitate, she's on the next flight after her finals. She tells everyone at UNC that's she's going back home for break, while she tells Grams and Chris that she's staying up there.

------

He's in worse shape then Ashlyn expected, he becomes delirious as his liver pushes out chemicals that can not be processed.

Leaving him to forget, to become someone else, as his ammonia levels increase dangerously.

Ashlyn waits on the other side of the curtain each day that passes, waiting to see what version of her father she'll get.

Most days he's to tired to realize who she is. Some days he believes that they've never met.

They talk for hours about Ashlyn going to college, playing soccer, and her girlfriend.

Those are the days that Ashlyn loves the most, talking to him like there is no past between them.

But today, Ms. Lisa sees her approaching, "he asked for you" she says with a smile.

Ashlyn just smiles back, Lisa continues, " he asked for his daughter... Ashlyn"

She stops in her tracks (he's asking for me) her heart rate increases as so many more thoughts go through her head. ( this could end bad, how does he know I'm here..) "just go in Ashlyn, it'll be ok"

Ashlyn looks at the door, takes a deep breathe and turns the handle.

As soon as she comes in, she hears, "is that you kiddo?"

She stops behind the curtain, her eyes watering, ( there's no way he's happy to see me) the blonde takes a chance and opens the curtain, her dad laying there with a smile on his face when their eyes meet.

"There's my strong little girl. I missed you so much sweetheart."

“I've missed you too dad.” Tears threatening to escape as her dad reaches his arms out to her. The keeper rushed into her fathers arms, basking in the warm embrace she hadn't felt since before her mom left them. “I’m so sorry dad, I did-“

“Shhhh no, no. It wasn't your fault, don't cry kiddo.” She pulls back and he wipes the tears away, “she'll come around, you'll see." Ashlyn looks into his eyes, ( she's gone dad) she wants to say, but he puts his hand up, "I love you and so does she ok, don't ever forget that," he kisses the top of her heard, "I'm so proud of you hunny, and the women you've become."

They hug for a little while longer, the blonde just taking it all in.

Nothing else matters right now, thought it should concern her, that her dad thinks her mom is still alive.

Right now it doesn't matter, cause in his eyes, she's still daddy's little girl.

Right now she's experiencing the love of her father.

Right now the world is right.

-----

Some time later, her dad had fallen asleep, she goes to her hotel to shower and get food. Giving herself some time to process the time with her dad.

When she comes back an hour later, things take a turn for the worst. When she opens the curtain this time, she greeted with them man she knew after her mother left. The man with no kindness left in his heart.

He sees her and yells at her for being there, blaming her for her mom leaving.

Saying she's worthless and doesn't deserve to be happy. Going on and on.

Ashlyn just takes it, not saying a word.

She's sure she's deserves this. She deserves every word that comes out of his mouth, no mater how much it fucks her up mentally, she listens to it all.

---

The next day when Ashlyn arrives, after debating with herself on wether or not she should show up.

She stands behind the curtain once again, only to hear his shallow breathing, she can hear the liquid that's been building up in his lungs since last week.

The blonde feels her chest tighten, she knows he's time is nearly up.

She walks out to the hall, the nurses saying he hasn't spoken a word since she left last night, not expecting him to make it through the day.

She takes a chance, walking back in (maybe he won't remember), drawing the curtain back.

She wasn't ready.

Her eyes begin to water as she takes in the scene before her.

The bed in a half up position, her father laying there, arms at his sides, palms up, head tilted to the left, mouth slightly agape.

She sit down next to him and watches as the life drains from his half opened eyes.

She puts her hand in his, feeling how cold and stiff they've become, the nurse explaining that blood is no longer flowing to his extremities.

His body is just a shell now, a slow heartbeat and hollow breaths, waiting for his mind to stop sending the signal that keeps his heart beating.

Once his last breath leaves his body, she feels her own chest constrict. Then unexpectedly, all the fluid build up from his lunges comes pouring out of his mouth.

It's a sight that will haunt her for years to come.

She doesn't cry, not in front of everyone.

She leaves, walks out the door in a haze, finding herself in the door way of her hotel room.

She decides that night to go back to UNC, every trace of her at the hospital gone. The words of her father eating away at her soul, her heart.

------
When she gets back to UNC her trips to the gym become more frequent like everyday for a week, still keeping her career in mind she wraps her hands.

Whit notices the change in Ashlyn, and her trips to the punching bag late at night.

She keeps an eye on her trying to figure out when and how to intervene, the keeper hadn't said much about her trips to Florida

----

Ash throws her bag on the ground, she just broke up with Bianca, (you don't deserve to happy Ashlyn) the words of her father still burrowing into her soul. (That's why I let her go, asshole)

She connects her iPod with the aux cord, clicks play, walks over to the corner of the room that's become her home.

She's pacing back and forth by the punching bag, music blaring from the stereo. The words swirling around dangerously in her mind.

She can't do this anymore, there's nothing left to hold onto, as the darkness consumes her soul. (You should have never been born) She takes the first shot at the bag, wraps be damned.

Left, right, (it’s all your fault Ashlyn)
Jab, jab, cross, jab (she left cause of you.)
Side kick (she wanted a princess, and she got stuck with you)

She drops her head, hands going to the back of her head, clenched so tightly as if trying contain herself, trying to shut out the words. She's hunched over.

It doesn't work, as the conversation plays back in her mind, her breathing become ragged, she begins to shake.

Whitney, having received a text from Bianca about the breakup, knew exactly where to find the keeper. She had to get to Ashlyn, get her to talk about what's been going on with her. When Whit enters the room, she spots Ashlyn, she about to call her name but stops in her tracks.

As if a flip switched, Ashlyn snaps up going hard at the bag giving it everything she's got. (You don't deserve to be happy. When you think everything is going great, you'll find a way to fuck it up. Because that's what you do, you fuck everything up. You're a fuck up Ashlyn. A disgrace to this family. if nothing happens while you're happy, I'll be on the other side to make it so that your life will come crashing down. You don't deserve to happy after everything you've put me and your mom through. No one will ever love you, they'll just pity you. And you'll hurt them, you'll fuck it up. I'll take the love of your life away, I swear on my grave!)

Whit is stuck in her place as Ashlyn beats the crap out of the punching bag.

Shocked at the outburst coming from her best friend. She hears the chain squeak and clang as it breaks from the hook, the thud of the bag as it hit the floor, and she snaps out of it.

She rushes over to Ashlyn, as the blonde lands a few punches on the wall where the bag used to be. She grabs Ash by the arm and jerks her around.

The keeper couldn't see who or what caused her to change directions, blinded by the rage coursing through her body. Ashlyn just swings when she is spun around.

Whitney steps back as fast as she can, but it's not enough, Ash manages to connect with her lip. It's not the full force of the blow but she can already taste the metallic warmth of her blood, to know her lip is split open.

Whitney takes a few more steps back and puts her arms up, knowing this is not her best friend, she needs to protect herself but get through to her somehow.

Ash stumbles, but turns to Whitney to take another swing, she’s about to advance when she hears her name, “Ashlyn."

As though the switch were turned off, the keepers motions halt, her arm drops and her body becomes tense.

With her heart racing, Whitney lowers her fist looking at the keeper, she sees the darkness in her best fiends eyes lighten just a bit. She knows the demon within is still there, but she can see

Ashlyn is trying to come back.

Ashlyn stands there still dazed, unable to move. Fighting her inner battle, putting the darkness at bay, tears begin to flow freely.

Both of them to scared to move.

Whitney sees the tears and slowly moves toward Ashlyn. The defender raises her hands, "it's ok" she whispers, slowly stepping to the side. She puts her right arm over Ashlyn's arms and chest, completely stepping behind her now, bringing her left arm around the other side.

She locks her arms securely around the other blonde, holding her as tight as she can, " I'm not gonna hurt you," she says.

The keeper, whose body is too exhausted to fight back, allows herself be guided backwards with Whit. The defender steps back till she touches the wall and slides them both down. Ashlyn's body cooperating with hers.

She holds her there until she feels Ash's body relax and hears her sobbing.
“It's ok Ash… You're ok” Whitney coos, “it's ok … Just breathe”

---

June 30th, 2015

“So that's why..” Whitney replies, finding themselves in a similar position with Ash wrapped in her arms. Except this time Whit understands, it's boggling as to why, after all these years, Ashlyn lets the words of her good-for-nothing father haunt her.

She had never heard the full story of the two Florida trips, just vague details about both her parents passing away with in months. How Ashlyn never got the chance to have a family and it pushed her over the edge, though she didn't believe it then, it all makes sense now.

“ that's all I hear Whit… is his voice in the back of my head, telling me I'm not good enough.” The keepers voice breaks, “ when she was wrapped in my arms that night… I- I was gonna stay… I wasn't going to leave her. I told her I loved her and she actually said it back, I saw our future.” She smiles at the thought, but as soon as it came, it's gone. “but all I heard was my Dad.” She breaks into a sob, “h-he- his voice telling me that I don't deserve love, I took his love away and he'd make sure to take mine.”

Her voice now breaking with anger,“ I couldn't just lay there and wait for her to be taken away from me, I had to protect her… from- from me. He was gonna find a way, I- couldn't-“ the keepers body begins to tense as the memory of leaving Ali that morning floods her senses.

Ali’s whispered “I love you too Ash”
The last kiss she left on the brunettes lips

Watching her sleep peacefully

Her fathers promise to take her love away

Getting dressed, grabbing her bag

The pause before she opened the door

Looking back at the beautiful women she was in love with

The tiny click as the door shut behind her

Sealing her decision, her fate.

She's brought back to the present by Whitney, "Ash… I get it, I really do, but … that doesn't explain why… you just left.” Whitney says, “left… the .. team.. the fucking country. You couldn't just- ”

“stay here? Where I would be constantly reminded of my fuck up? And have to live with the pain of leaving her, torture her with my presents?” Ashlyn spat out.

“ you left it all behind… for… her?” Whit questioned.

The anger within Ashlyn rose, she pushes her way out of Whits embrace, shocked with her best friends statement. Alex wasn't just some girl, she was The girl, the one girl. The women Ashlyn was meant for.

The reason air even bothered to enter Ashlyn's lunges, why her heart continued to pump blood through her veins.

The keeper turned to other blonde, “Why would you say that? Alex isn't ‘a girl’ Whitney. She's the women I am in love with, she's the blood that courses through my body, shes the main reason I'm still in this earth-“

“That's one hell of a way to show it” She replies with thick sarcasm, as Ash Leans back. “ You didn't only leave her you know..” Whit says when Ashlyn stands up, turning around so she doesn't have to look at her so called best friend, doing her best to calm the darkness within. “If you would have just left the team…” Whit says now standing as well. “I would have understood.. but you .. betrayed us all by joining another national team.. Germany none the less. GERMANY, ASHLYN! Like what the fuck, how did that even happen?” She continued, walking around the other blonde to face her again.

There's a far away look in Ashlyn's eyes that Whitney had recognized, it was one of the times Ash had brought up quitting the team cause ‘she'd never be Hope Solo’ the look of defeat.

“I couldn't be on the sidelines anymore… I-I- I had to be on the pitch…” lowering her head, Ashlyn continues, “ I had to matter”

“You mattered to me! To the whole damn team Ashlyn!” Whit yells at her best friend, she hadn't meant to get into all this today, but she just couldn't hold back. All the pain of when Ashlyn had left came rushing to the front of her mind, like it just happened yesterday.

“Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!”

The keeper snaps her head up at the sound of Whitney’s fist pounding onto the table, with every shout. She rushes over to the blonde, now trying to restrain her, like she was years ago. “Hey, hey stop.”

Wrapping her arms around Whitney, locking her hands in place, as the defender tries to push her way out of Ashlyn's lock. “Whit stop!”

All the emotions Whitney never really got to let out, explode from inside her like an atom bomb. She tried to be there for everyone else, she put up a front so people wouldn't ask questions, never getting to let herself feel the pain and sorrow after that first day of crying. She had to be strong, but now, she can't take it.

She struggles against Ashlyn's embrace, trying with every muscle to get free from the one who caused her this pain. “Get off me!” She yells.

“Calm down Whit” Ashlyn replies, holding tight to her, she's thrown off guard by this sudden change of circumstances. Whitney had been levelheaded through this how ordeal, and now Ashlyn as to clam her. (What the fuck is happening)

She can feel the defender clenching her jaw and every muscle in her body, she's not even sure she can hold her much longer.

She feels Whitney’s chest constrict, her breathing becoming labored as the blonde continues to struggle. “Whit I need you to breathe” Ash try's when her breathing become more frantic. The keeper is thrown off even more when she hears the choked sobs coming from her best friend.

Whitney grabs at Ashlyn's arms around her clenching for dear life as she allows the flood to happen. Ashlyn slowly walks them to the nearest wall, sliding them both down, thanking god when the other blonde lets her do this.

With the defender between her legs, she whispers, “shhhhh, it's ok Whit… you're ok … Whit, breathe ok” she fears that between the sobs and gasps for breathe that she might pass out. She loosens her grip and little, but brings Whit closer to her, “breathe Whit, please..” she notices that the blondes body starts to go limp, her breathing slowing down.

“Stay with me Whit,” she pleads, “ I've got you… I got you” she repeats it like a prayer, “ I got you.”

The defender starts to calm as does her breathing, the keeper doesn't know how long they stay this way, but she's determined to stay as long as it takes, she gonna leave her alone, not again. She's not sure what happened but she's certain she was the cause.

(if she's this bad … I can't imagine what Ali went through.)

(Fuck)

"I'm sorry," Whitney whispers.

"shhh, nothing to be sorry for, just try to relax ok," Whit nods. 

Tears softly falling from Ashlyn's eyes, "I'm sorry for leaving you Alone," Ashlyn whispers.