Chapter 57
''O, what's wrong?''
''Nothing,'' she replies, taking another 'swoosh' at her blade. The weapon looks sharp enough to me, but I've already figured out that this is just something she does when she wants to relax and kill her nerves. So I know there's definitely something going on.
''O, I know you. You're clearly upset,'' I sit beside her, ''You can tell me.''
''But that's the thing,'' she throws away the sharpening stone and sheathes her machete, ''I can't.''
She stands up and walks away, just like that - leaving me bewildered and worried. I was already antsy - I just want us to go and get this over with; but gathering the whole host in the encampment proves to be taking much longer than I expected. Now I really don't know what to do with myself, and as late in the night as it is, I'm too restless to sleep. I know better than to chase after Octavia and insist though. So I just pick up my quiver and go to try and fletch some more arrows. My first instinct is to seek Drea, before I remember the horrible truth. I'll have no company here now.
It takes me a while to navigate across the big camp, feeling like any familiar face will do now, really. I don't expect to find the person I do - sitting next to a sleeping guard I don't know, warming his hands against the small log fire. I'm absolutely surprised to see him, completely thrown aback.
''Sean?''
''Well, you look like you could use some sleep,'' he smirks up at me.
''What are you doing here?!''
''Oh, you know... Camp Jaha's just been really boring lately-''
''I'm serious!'' I say, sitting down next to him, ''Why are you risking your life whe-?''
''Woah there, hold on,'' he stops me, ''Why wouldn't I?''
''This isn't your fight-''
''How so? They're my people too,'' he says, ''Sure, I've never met some of those kids, but I've met you, and you saved me. And my people. Bellamy taught me how to use this thing,'' he lifts his rifle, ''I pay back my debts.''
I'm so deeply touched by this I could crush him in a hug. I don't know what's wrong with me and my sudden bouts of mixed emotions - am I seriously this messed up? Are my eyes glistening right now? Is it the flames of the fire? Can he see it? Does he know how much this means to me? I grab his face and smash a kiss on his cheek, because I can't express this with words.
*
The whole of the host is gathered and the encampment completely expanded by the end of the next day, and I'm sure the Mountain is watching this and shaking in fear. It takes my breath away just to look around me - my own eyes can't reach down to the last torch. Our numbers are bigger than I ever expected, our force mightier. I can only imagine what we must look like from higher ground.
On the third day, we move with sundown. It's a few hours to the mountain and we want to move at night. I'm nervous, but more excited than afraid. The sound of the horns and our sheer numbers give me courage. The adrenaline makes me feel stronger, like I was never in a sickbed. I know it's an illusion though; once it wears off, I will feel as weak as I should. But it won't wear off until this thing is through, that much I know.
Sean marches beside me, keeping his light playful smile, but I know he's afraid, far more than he lets on. I give a smile back, silently telling him how much I appreciate him staying. I'll try to talk to Clarke and get him to the rearguard though, where he'll be safer.
Clarke. I realize I haven't spoken to her since... well, since she entered Tondc gates, I think. I haven't been as angry, but she's been busy and nowhere to be seen. And then she seemed to just disappear and we were supposed to search the woods for her right before that missile hit and...
No way.
It can't be. It just can't be. She wouldn't. I know Clarke - Clarke who's saved so many lives, who's risked it all for her people, her own skin for someone else's - as much as I don't agree with her, I know her heart and her genuine intentions. She wouldn't do this.
But it all clicks together. And my heart starts beating faster.
''Hey, where are you going?'' Sean grabs my arm when I try to make my way ahead through the throng.
''I have to find Octavia,'' I say before I tear away.
It takes a while and some struggle to reach her, but I find her ahead, walking behind Indra. A safe distance behind thankfully, I think, before I pull her elbow.
''Octavia!''
She turns around to meet me, and I know she can see I look quite obviously shaken.
''Tell me the truth,'' I demand, breathing more heavily from that rush.
She grimaces in a way that tells me to keep it down, to keep it quiet. I look around, and I don't think anyone's staring at us as we're keeping up and walking ahead. Indra doesn't look like she's listening to us either.
''I think I know,'' I almost whisper now, keeping so close to her our shoulders are brushing against each other.
''Then I don't have to tell you anything,'' she replies quietly, not looking at me. But I can catch something in her eyes that confirms it for me, even though I'm almost physically unable to say it out loud.
''I could have died,'' I say instead, feeling something in me almost break, ''You, Lincoln, Nyko... Drea is dead!''
''Shut up!'' she hisses at me now, eyes wide. I stare right back, not quite fully aware of my lash-out. She grabs my arm and almost pushes me out of the throng, out of the thick traffic.
''You wanna die?!'' she growls at me where we can stand still, ''Because you will if they think you're a threat to this alliance.''
''Well, it obviously wouldn't be the first time they've tried,'' I say, feeling so deeply disappointed it almost feels like heart-break. It's devastating.
''Listen to me,'' Octavia stares me down, more kindly now, ''Trust me, I don't like any of this shit any more than you do, but we have to suck it up now, alright? This alliance has to hold.''
''You don't have to tell me that, O. Finn died for this,'' I can feel my eyes watering, ''And Bellamy's in there, risking his neck.''
''Keep your mouth shut, then,'' she says as she wraps an arm around my shoulders in a half-hug, leading us back into the throng, ''Or I'll really have to watch your back.''
The battle cries sound again at the most appropriate time. They bring me back to where I should be. We raise our machetes with the rest, and I try to channel and focus my anger instead of letting it lead me.
Indra said once that my anger would be the end of me. I wouldn't let it - not today.
*
It's broad daylight when we encircle most of the mountain, and I see the main gate for the first time. It's almost funny, the way it doesn't look like much. I know it could withstand nuclear bombing.
We've marched all night, but I don't feel tired at all. Thank the adrenaline, I guess. I do constantly have this weird feeling like I have to go pee though, but I try to harness this nervousness into energy. It's Octavia that reminds me to eat and drink, so I can stay strong. I don't feel like I've ever been injured, really. But I still remind myself it's all an illusion of the mind.
The tents are put up in no time, spotting the field around the mountain seemingly endlessly. I have no idea how many of us there are, but it all makes me feel a lot safer than I should be feeling. I decide to check up on my gear and try to rest a bit while the leaders are discussing and we're awaiting new orders. There isn't much to be done now.
Sleep catches me unawares, and I wake in the afternoon, thankful that it did. I seem to be right on time, because Octavia's slipping the last dagger in her boot and is ready to leave.
''Good luck,'' I say, startling her a bit, making her jump. She turns around.
''You too,'' she says, ''Watch yourself. See you at the end.''
''See you at the end.''
When she leaves the tent, it feels so final - not like I won't see her again, but like it's the end of a huge chapter for us now. And it is. There's only two ways this whole thing can end.
When I fully gear up again and step outside, Indra's team has already left. Sean is outside, sharing a meal with some of the Tri Kru, and it's an odd sight, because I know very well just how accepting they are. I'm reminded of that time Drea broke bread with me, and suddenly the anger I have for Clarke and Lexa slashes me again.
The Commander's tent is just two tents away. As soon as there are orders, I will be among the first to know. I sit down and eat a little something with the rest, in silence. Sean tries to start up conversation, but he can see I'm in a sour mood that can't be helped. I miss Bellamy like crazy. All this while I've tried to shut him out so I can stay focused, and thinking about him now makes me mad with worry. God, I hope he's okay.
A large shadow veils me, and I look up to meet the tall man to whom it belongs. Ryder stands there, looking for all the world like a mountain himself from this low on the ground.
''The Skai Kru are here. Heda orders us to meet them and bring them to her.''
''Wha-?'' I'm caught off-guard. Who's here? And why me and Ryder? ''And she ordered me in particular,'' I say more than ask.
''Clarke of the Sky People did.''
Clarke did. She must have something special up her sleeve for me then.
I stand up and adjust my quiver. ''Let's go.''
*
I'm happy to see Monroe and Sgt. Miller arrive, some of the guards in tow, and Dwyght among them. I give him and Monroe a hug before they fill us in on why they're here. They're bringing Raven's hydrazine bomb, Sgt. Miller says. So we bring them back to the Command Post tent.
''Welcome, Sky People,'' Lexa says, and the sight of both her and Clarke makes me want to claw at her face, ''Join us.''
When we step in, I realize every single field commander sans Indra is there, around the table. Lincoln is there too, at Clarke's side. Her most trusted adviser now, I suppose. She's smart for that. When Sgt. Miller hands Clarke the package from Raven, Lexa speaks up again:
''Field commanders, today's the day we get our people back. The enemy thinks it's safe behind its doors, but it's not. When it realizes that, it will fight back... Hard.''
''This is a rescue mission,'' Clarke finally says, ''We are not here to wipe them out. There are people inside that mountain that have helped us, children who have nothing to do with this war. We kill their soldiers, their leadership if we have to, but we are there to rescue our people. Is that clear?''
There is some chatter and indistinct mumbles, but the small crowd is still following. I can't help but think about how it's now that she's all of a sudden all noble and merciful, but I push that bitter thought away. I remember Maya, the girl whose voice I've only heard, that's helped my Bellamy and the rest of my friends stay alive, risking her all. And I want to save her.
''Then let's begin. There are four teams. Two of them - at the dam and in the mine - are moving into position already. The third - inside the mountain - is freeing the Grounder prisoners as we speak. It is our job as the fourth team to keep the eyes of the enemy off of them for as long as possible,'' Clarke explains, ''To do that, we have to be in position here at the main door with our entire army. The Mountain Men believe the door can't be opened from the outside, so they leave it unguarded. Only it can be, and thanks to our source on the inside, now we know how. According to Maya, the electromagnetic locking system has one flaw. When the power goes out, it disengages. That's where Raven's team comes in. The mountain's electricity is generated at Philpott Dam. By now, they've taken the turbine room. It's their job to blow the power. Once they do, we blow the lock,'' she goes on, pacing slowly around the table to show it on the prototype, ''There is a catch - a backup generator inside the mountain. If the lock is still functioning when that backup power kicks in, we'll never get that door open. We'll never get our people back.''
''How much time do we have until the backup power kicks in?'' Sgt. Miller asks.
''One minute. That's the window.''
''Small window. Why don't we just take out the backup generator, too? Bellamy's inside - have him do it.''
''Leaving them without power that long would kill them all, and as I said, that's not the mission. Besides, we lost contact with Bellamy.''
''What?'' Monroe asks before I can, ''We did? When?''
''After he took out the acid fog.''
''And you failed to mention this?!'' I almost screech, my heart beating so hard I feel like it will fail me, ''Does Octavia know?!''
''Bellamy's a warrior,'' Lexa replies instead of her, ''He'll be fine.''
How dare you talk like you know, like you know him?! I think but I don't say.
''As the commander said, once the door is open, the shooting will start, and they'll throw everything they have at us, but that's what we want,'' Clarke goes on, ''We want them looking at us because while we're fighting at the front door, Indra's team will be escorting the prisoners out the back, right through the reaper tunnels. Once all our people are free, they'll sound the retreat. We'll be back home before Mount Weather even knows they're gone, and that's it. That's the plan.''
I hear her, but all I can think about is Bellamy, and whatever room's left in my mind is taken up by Nathan and Jasper and Monty and their fates relying on a plan based on a prayer. Now I'm terrified.
''The mountain has cast a shadow over these woods for too long,'' Lexa speaks up again, ''They've hunted us, controlled us, turned us into monsters. That ends today. Thanks to our alliance with the Sky People, the mountain will fall. As Clarke said, we spare the innocent. As for the guilty...''
The crowd finishes her sentence as they take up the chant:
''Jus dren jus daun! Jus dren jus daun! Jus dren jus daun! Jus dren jus daun! Jus dren jus daun! Jus dren jus daun!''
And as the words echo into endlessness, all I want is Bellamy safe.