Chapter 56
Drea's handsome young face haunts me. I don't know why he haunts me so much - we will burn far too many dead, but it's his face in particular that lingers and won't give me peace of mind. It makes me wonder how I'm still alive. Is it luck, or is it some God favoring me, keeping me in life for something still? Better warriors have perished, more skilled survivors have turned to dust. So how? And why?
I don't know. It makes me wonder about John too, whether he's still alive or lying dead in a ditch somewhere before he's even reached the Dead Zone. For some reason though, I have a positive feeling he's still out there, alive and kicking. Much like me, he's survived when by all means he should have perished with the others. I've known him for so long it feels like we came into this world together, so I can hardly imagine us dying any way else than together. It's odd, but I only now realize that it's true.
I've lost too much blood. When Lincoln sounds his horn to sound an all-clear, I know it's any moment now that I'll lose consciousness. I've held on for a while now, and maybe, just maybe, this is the time I finally die. I don't want to die, but with how much I've already survived, how much I've seen, it's not like I can really complain. Especially now that my will is weakening, death seems almost comfortable.
The only thing that makes me really mad is the idea of dying next to Nichols. If I drop dead here, they'll find us together. My entire life's been tied to this man, my name known only because of his - I don't want to die and be remembered because of him as well.
Soon another horn sounds, a horn of more hope, but before I can realize what it signifies, I'm already swallowed by darkness.
*
I'm surprised to wake up in the middle of the night. It takes a moment for me to recollect everything that's happened and where the hell I am. I should have died, or at least slept away a few days now that I'm saved. I'm weak and pained and thirsty and lying in a quickly put-together shelter with some of the other survivors. The night is too quiet and calm - the type of calm that makes your skin crawl. There is a veil of sadness covering everyone and everything in Tondc, weighing all of our hearts down, I know - because it's almost palpable.
Seeing the other survivors, I know it could have been worse, but somehow, it doesn't feel like any sort of small victory at all.
I realize that my wound is all patched up, and there's an IV hooked into my arm, keeping me nourished after the massive blood-loss, and I quickly put everything together. I remember the glimpse of my people coming to help with the Ark equipment, before I blacked out. I wonder if dad is here, before I succumb to sleep again.
*
I wake up very early, first lights of dawn barely cracking through the darkness. There is a woman whose name I don't know checking on the injured, everyone still asleep. Dad is almost at me feet, resting his head over my legs. When I move ever so slightly, he wakes and looks up the way an earthquake couldn't have roused him. He looks like he's aged far too much overnight, and it gives me a pang of guilt.
''You're alright,'' dad almost whispers, not wanting to wake the others. He reaches for my cheek, moving a strand of hair out of my face. He looks even more worn-out this up close, and worried, and afraid.
The nurse has just finished with re-bandaging one of the Tri Kru before she walks out, leaving us to the thick silence.
''I'm alright,'' I concur, pushing myself to sit up. And I do feel better than when I woke up a few hours ago. I look to the IV bag to find it empty, and that explains it. I pull out the needle.
''Careful,'' dad says, but the wound in my side doesn't exactly hurt much, it just feels weird now that the flesh is sewn together - sensitive and vulnerable.
''Dad, I'm fine,'' I insist, ''Just a bit of real food and I'll be good as new.''
''You're lucky there wasn't any internal bleeding,'' he frowns, ''Seriously, what were you thinking? You should have sought help immediately. You could have bled out!''
''I wasn't a priority,'' I say, thinking about all those we found in far worse condition, and suddenly remembering Lexa and Clarke. ''Clarke-?''
''She's fine. Lexa too,'' - I release a sigh of relief - ''She seems undeterred - Lexa.''
''What do you mean?''
''She's gathering her entire host, plans on marching as soon as possible.''
''What? Like, tonight or-? Why?'' It feels so sudden and soon I instantly grow nervous and scared to death. ''What happened?! Bellamy?!''
''Bellamy's fine,'' dad places a hand over mine to calm me. But Lexa's picking up the pace this suddenly leaves me only one option for an answer - our friends in Mount Weather must be in great danger as we speak.
I get to my feet too quickly perhaps, because a bout of dizziness hits me and the world swirls around me. Dad seems to have caught on because he steadies me, even though I tear away immediately, insisting I'm fine. I have to be, or they won't let me march with the rest.
''You're not ready,'' dad argues again, like he can read my mind.
''I'm fine,'' I insist, ''Dad, there are others in greater need. I'm occupying space.''
He knows it for truth, so he doesn't argue it. ''Still, you need to rest a bit. And Lexa will have no shortage of warriors - skilled warriors - there is no need for you to-''
I'm already out of the tent, pulling an arm through my jacket, because I don't want us to argue where the others sleep, and dad is about to argue. He follows me outside. The sun is a bit higher behind the mountain tops, but it's still way too early for many people to be outside - except for those tending to the injured. The ruins are still everywhere, obviously, but for a moment they shock me, like everything's just been a really bad dream, and I'm taken aback by the rubble now that I no longer see it in the dark. I'm almost physically sickened by it.
I see Abby coming out of a tent across from ours, looking more tired than ever. There is a smudge of blood on her forehead, someone else's. She sits on a rock in front to rest, elbows on knees and hands in her hair. She doesn't see us until she looks up again, as we make our way across to her. Then she stands up.
''Why are you up?'' she asks.
''I'm fine,'' I say, ''I'd rather be helpful. How is everyone? Indra-?'' I remember Nichols, but I don't ask her about him.
''Indra's fine. Most of the survivors have made it through the night. We've been lucky.''
''Marcus-?'' dad asks.
''Better,'' Abby nods, ''We'll start moving the injured back to the Ark in a few hours. We're running out of supplies and we can't do much here.''
''I'm glad Clarke's okay,'' I say honestly, placing a hand on her arm. Abby looks like something breaks inside of her for a moment, before she forces a smile of gratitude.
''When are we heading back?'' dad asks impatiently, as though an order from the Chancellor would compel me to obey the way a parent's wishes can't.
''I'm not going back,'' I insist, like the mere idea is ludicrous.
''Tasha-''
''No, dad. Those are my friends. That's Bellamy in there. I won't sit around while the others fight.''
''Abby, please tell her,'' he almost begs her with his eyes, exasperated, ''She's much too weak, and she's no soldier-''
''This isn't a debate,'' I scoff, ''I don't need permission from any of you. We sure as hell have lived without it so far.''
''That's my child out there too, Rick,'' Abby says, eyes glistening, voice hollow, ''But they're not children anymore. We sent them down here, Earth did the rest.''
Dad looks like he's lost every fight he's ever fought, but I can't be around either of them anymore.
''I'll be around if you need my help,'' I say before I storm off, ''I'll go look for Octavia.''
*
My healing skills extend to first aid, so there isn't much I can do to help beside the basic stuff. Octavia's much the same, adding to it whatever Lincoln's taught her. With my Earth Skills knowledge and some of Lincoln's instructions, I try to go foraging for any herbs we could use now that we're in need before the injured are sent off to the Ark. It makes me feel useful now that we're awaiting further orders.
My wound dangerously pulsates rather than hurts, and I know very well how careful I have to be not to re-open it. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to march on Mount Weather. It doesn't deter me, it doesn't make me question my decision. I am going to.
''You don't have to do this, you know,'' Octavia tells me when we go hunting, tracking our next meal now that we have nothing left to eat in Tondc.
''What?''
''You're no use to anyone dead,'' she argues, ''I know you love my brother, and I understand why you won't back down. But maybe the smartest thing to do would be to stay behind and wait for him. You have nothing to prove.''
''I'm not trying to prove anything,'' I say, ''I just- I can't sit back while everyone fights. I can't.''
''You're weak, T. That makes you an easier target.''
''Don't give me that warrior talk now, Octavia. Would you sit back if it was Lincoln?''
I already know the answer, and she knows that I know, so she doesn't bother replying.
''Exactly,'' I say, ''I won't be anyone's burden. If you want to, you can watch my back, but don't go out of your way. I am my own responsibility.''
I speed up so we don't have to have this conversation anymore. In a moment I can hear her catching up behind me.
*
The sun is low in the sky when everyone is finally ready and the injured are set to be moved. I say goodbye to dad, but I try to make it as short as possible. There's no need to make this any more difficult than it already is. ''Raven's gonna need all the help she can get,'' I tell him, because I know he has half a mind to follow Lexa instead, just to keep an eye on me. He only nods though, tells me to be careful, kisses my forehead, before he walks away with the throng. We all have a part to play, and I know his and mine.
When we're all geared up and ready to follow Lexa and march to the designated encampment, night has fallen, and I'm suddenly all too aware of what's coming. Nervousness twists my insides, but as the crowd forms and moves ahead, I can feel a hand clasp mine. Somehow I know it's Octavia, before I even look. When I do look, she offers me a smile. And it helps.
I'm ready.